


Control Alt Delete

by 4persephone



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen, Kanan Jarrus: The Daddening, Meddling Droids, Other, Space!Family, Time Travel AU!, lots of chronally linked misunderstands, snark olympics, soulstealing lothkits, tw: adolescent use of intoxicants, tw: mental health issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-12-31 05:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 166,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12125655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4persephone/pseuds/4persephone
Summary: “Honestly Chopper; I’m running away with a droid, in a stolen government transport while trying to get back my light saber. Which was essentially in essence, stolen from me by the karking timestream. And when am I trying to get all of this done? Before my formerly dead Master and my former Squadron Commander track me down to try and essentially *pressgang me back onto Specter crew.* Does that sound particularly well adjusted or mentally healthy life from where you're sitting? Because I am thinking the answer's a resounding no."





	1. Collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needs, in short, to end this chapter they're caught up in right now by trying to build a stronger, brighter future for all of them.

Beginning 'again' - if one really wanted to call it that, hadn't been all that complicated for Ezra. It had, in fact, been ridiculously simple. 

Which doesn't mean that any of it had been *easy.*Hardly. Anything but.There is nothing 'easy' involved in Ezra waking up in his tower just before sunrise, and trying to ignore his still throbbing headache as he heads into Capital City in order wait on the west side market's rooftops for his 'destiny' to make its way into the right part of town.

'Force but they look so *kriffing young,* as if they're all so karking innocent.' He can't help but think as he peers down at the rest of his former family taking their assigned positions down on the street- having already helped the fruit seller relocate to a safer area to sell his wares if he wants to avoid the stormtroopers, with much less of the man's fruit in his satchel for his troubles this time around.

Not that it really matters all that much at the moment, since Ezra's not feeling particularly hungry - his stomach has been messed up and cranky about what it wants to eat for weeks. Right now it's twisting and knotting... unhappy with the bites of fresh fruit he does offer it as he waits for Sabine or Zeb to signal they're ready to begin, or for Kanan to finally step out into the street. He hangs back carefully all the while - careful to keep out of sight, not wanting to muck things up by being noticed too quickly because he's too obvious or aggressive in his own watching. There's no need, after all, to make things any more awkward than they are already going to be by rushing in prematurely, not when their 'first contact' is due in a little less than an hour.

Ezra can, by this point in his life, at least recognize the value of patience.

Nonetheless, the broken link still throbs in the back of his mind. And yes, while it is true that the remains of his old bond with Kanan have been paining him for days now, somehow the intensity of it this morning is ten times worse than it's been since the others first got on planet. Probably, Ezra acknowledges wryly, because of their much closer proximity: Kanan Jarrus is right there, after all - alive and less than thirty feet away, for all that he's currently still a literal a stranger, at least from he and the rest of the crew's perspective. And as a result of that decreased amount of distance that part of Ezra's psyche that can't grasp the 'whys' - that only hurts and is tired of its own pain can't seem to come to grips why Ezra refuses to just reach out and finally be healed. Why he won't drop his shields, let go of the past and let reunion end his pain.

'It will get better with time. *It will.* It has to.' Ezra repeats the promise to himself over and over again. Once this mission is completed and Kanan and the others all finally leave Lothol then surely the constant tug he's feeling right now to just spill everything will finally fade again. 

For now, Ezra just needs to hold out for just a little bit longer. He needs to ignore the persistent itch in the back of his mind, and the ongoing pain. He needs to stay deaf to that nearly relentless compulsion to just fling wide his shielding and cry out for the other Jedi's assistance. 

Because that man down there? Is by choice no longer Ezra's Bridger's Kanan.

Ezra has to buckle down and remember that. He needs to focus on his mission. He needs to keep him attention fixed on the plan - on actually carrying out the job that's stretch out in front of him. After that he can finally safely orchestrate the separation of himself from Specter crew that's so obviously necessary, and they can all go on to a new better life after the resulting divergence. One in which they all have a chance to survive.

It's almost time for him to go now. 'Deep breath in and deep breath out, Ezra. No time for mistakes, or doubts, or takebacks. Just get this job done. Do what is necessary to build a brighter future for all of them. '

Jump off of the rooftops. Check. Irritate Zeb with a jaunty little wave so that he hates you later. Check. Encounter Kanan. Snark at Kanan. Accelerate with another jaunty wave. Jump the median. Check Check Check Check Check.

None of it is particularly enjoyable or invigorating if he's honest about it though. Instead it's just history; flowing forward like a river even as it circles back around toward Ezra in a seemingly constant, endless, ironic Mobius strip.

Still, it's comforting as well, in some strange sort of way. So much so that when Kanan finally offers him a ride on the The Ghost, Ezra has to remind himself to hang back for a couple of moments to make it look like he's actually debating the other man's offer before he and his box full of weapons are finally headed toward the ramp.

It's weird honestly - being back in the Ghost's vents like he is and actually fitting as he crawls around again, instead of having to constantly duck, curl up or otherwise safe guard his head as he once again exits the cupboard that an irritated Zeb has once again thrown him in. His introductory talk with Hera, once he finally makes his way forward to the cockpit, is almost bemusing, as well as more than little bit bittersweet if Ezra's honest about it. That's mostly, he admits, at least to himself, because right now Hera seems so vibrant - so passionate and earnest. She seems, for lack of a better word, less drained of hope and vital person essence... unhindered, for now at least by the weight of Kanan's loss and the loss of so many others compared that last time Ezra remembers seeing her in his own terribly fragmented memories..

It's nice he admits in that moment, if only to himself, to see that much life behind his foster mother's eyes again after so many months of seeing only shock and grief and suffering. It's good to see her once again full of laughter and optimism and peace. 

Still, despite all that seeing Tarkin Town again - and speaking with several its long buried residents before Kanan and Hera can return from speaking with Vizago - makes something ache tightly in Ezra's chest even as he helps deliver the food they've brought, almost as if someone's decided to kick him right in his teeth.

That feeling numbs eventually, as the march of time carries - relentlessly calling out the next steps in this story, and truthfully even if Ezra could somehow stop the music at the moment he's pretty sure that he wouldn't actually want to, mostly out fear of ever finding the courage to start it up and get back into cadence again.

When the Ghost finally docks with the vessel that Kanan and Hera have been tracking nearly a day and a half later, Kanan, Sabine and the rest of the others head into the ship while he and Hera remain behind, waiting out the others in mostly comfortable quiet. The Twi'lek pilot watches Ezra out of the corner of her eye as they sit, occasionally posing various questions about who Ezra is and where exactly he comes from and how he ended up in his particular line of business. The first question Ezra answers readily enough by simply repeating his first name, and the rest he deflects by asking Hera his own flood of questions concerning the Ghost and it's technical spec instead. Which works just fine as a distraction, since the Lady loves to brag about her ship.

When Hera sends him into the ship to warn the others twenty minutes later - having hauled out her favorite rebellion recruitment slogan in the process - the sting of Zeb's coming betrayal doesn't taste as ashy in Ezra mouth as it had the first time around. If anything, the entire experience of getting captured is almost funny. After all this loop around, Ezra actually knows exactly who's going to grab him and when, so as they get closer and closer to the moment in question he actively has to fight off his own defensive instincts in order to make sure that it happens.

Kriff, this time around Ezra even knows beforehand, thanks to the battered - and therefore mostly worthless so the guard's won't bother to try and take it off him- chronometer wrapped around his wrist exactly how much longer he's got to get everything he needs to arranged before the crew arguing in the Ghost's cockpit get around to finally voting and mounting their 'rescue operation.' 

The weirdest thing about the whole experience, at least from Ezra's perspective, is probably him having to act as if Alexsandr Kallus is a literal stranger to him instead of a semi casual friend. Though yes, Ezra's also well aware that the ISF agent can't exactly be trusted just yet. The older man had truthfully been fairly intimidating to Ezra the first he'd actually met him, but this time around he's just the fairly soft spoken guy who Ezra's spent every other Friday night for the past seven months playing cut-throat Sabaac with.

Honestly, right now it all feels to Ezra as if he's somehow been trapped in some kind of poorly scripted holo-drama. Where everything's predictable, yes but also tense enough to not be actively boring, even though he knows in advance exactly where and how the story is probably going to end. Indeed, all that Ezra really has to do, once he's freed himself from his cell and retrieved both a trooper helmet from the storage area and his backpack, is wait near the bay for the notifications to start up concerning the incoming vessel approaching before he deliberately diverts several units of storm troopers away from the actual docking port in question and then yup, there's the Ghost crew showing up right on cue... Coming in to 'save' him with their guns all but literally blazing.

A couple of minutes after that, Ezra's safely back on the Ghost - in his second round of 'home again, home again' - with the same set of bruises from getting throw into the ship by Zeb, he notes more than a little bit wryly, as well as all of the additionally needed recognizance info they'd need once again safely tucked inside of his head. The riskiest part of this little round of deliberate deje vu is over now...and it hadn't even been all that dangerous. That thought makes him smiles a little bit to himself, even as he tracks the rest of the crew back to where they're all currently sitting together in the cockpit and, share's the information that he'd discovered while captured about the Wookie prisoners' current location. 

Kanan studies Ezra carefully after that, far more intently then he had during any of the hours before. Still even worse then that, the older Jedi cocks his head to one side, his mind subtly reaching out after a moment or so to brush whisper-soft against Ezra's carefully layered shielding, as if trying to make sense of both what he does and he doesn't find.

Ezra responds to that gentle mental probe by deliberately dropping his chin nearly down to his chest, allowing his hair to hide his face and eyes and hopefully keep the other man from realizing he's fully aware of the sudden increase in psychic scrutiny. Later though he takes an extra moment or two to carefully reinforce his own subtle layers of shielding- guaranteeing once he's done that no matter how hard the older Jedi pushes or how subtly he probes, he''ll find nothing but stubborn opaqueness, no answers..no entry points into his mind. Just the same bulwark wall as Ezra had learned to erect against sudden appearance of one of the Inquisitorius. Just a bulwark wall of interwoven psychic barriers. While all the while the broken bond in his own mind stirs against the barriers, pressing against the barriers that Ezra's built to keep his former master out, almost as if he's now got the equivalent of a psychic abscess starting.

'It will get better with time. It will. It karking has too.' None of this matters – he can't afford for it to matter. They are on the right path now ... even if yes, right now walking it is literal agony.Ezra just has to push though: has to to keep a firm grip on his courage and remember what he's trying to achieve here...him back home in his tower and the others living the lives they're actually meant to be living.

Ezra just has to *endure* for just a little bit longer. That's all he has to do: just grit his teeth keep on going. The prize for seeing his plan through will be worth all the pain. The sacrifice is karking worth it. Kriff, he's reminded of the truth of that - the rightness of his decision, every karking time right now that he sees Hera smile over at Kanan.

After they finally finish up their rescue of Kittwar and the rest of his clan though - while he and Kanan stand together on the overhead balcony of the ships cargo bay, Ezra can't prevent himself from stepping back and away from the hand reaching out for him, unable to bear the the thought of even that brief moment of contact. 

He's in very real danger at the moment, he knows, of breaking down for real if he lets his resolve falter for even a moment and even if that were not the case, Ezra can't risk the possibility that actual physical contact might give Kanan a glimpse of the literal emotional hurricane that's currently building up beneath his shielding.

So instead he steps neatly back and away when Kanan's hand reaches out, locking his emotions down ruthlessly and carefully schooling his face - letting the ice wrap around his heart, and insulate his mind from the pain.

The deliberate side step when it happens causes a brief, intense burst of confusion from Kanan, as well as no small amount of what appears to be disappointment and after that, very genuine concern. The older Jedi blinks at Ezra hard - as if his vision has suddenly blurred and now suddenly he's learning to actually see all over again.

'Don't acknowledge what happened...pretend you're unaware.' Ezra needs a distraction, something to stop any immediate confrontation or questioning. Until he and Kanan are alone in private at least. The answers thankfully, is right in front of him at the moment, standing by his father and waving happily up at him. 'Thank Force...when you're given a gift Bridger, karking use it.' Stepping forward Ezra calls out first to Kittwar and and then to his father in turn, aware of how Kanan pivots as he does so, in order to get a better look at his face. 

'Do not engage, Bridger. Keep your eyes fixed firmly on the prize. Do not look at Kanan: pretend that moment in time never happened. Go down there instead and let Kittwar hug you and introduce you to his dad. Do. Not. Engage. You can not afford to if things are going to keep moving in their proper direction.'

So instead Ezra draws in another breath, forcing himself to look down at Kittwar and all the others for a moment- taking in the many lives he'd just helped save, and memorizing their individual names and faces. These Wookies are Ezra's legacy now, after all every bit as much as the bettered lives of Kanan and the others, and their hopefully brighter futures have been worth any minor discomforts that Ezra's had to suffer up to now, as well as any additional discomfort he still might have to bear in the days directly ahead. Every life is important. Kriff- just given some of the visions he's been having recently about the youngest wookie's probable role in his people's future- it probably would have been worth everything he's been through at this point just to save Kittwar's life in the end.

After the Wookies board their own ship to depart though, Ezra finds himself quite literally yearning for Zeb's inevitable wisecracks about Ezra leaving the Ghost to start up. The mission objective has been met now he just want it to end. Except the jokes don't start up this time - or rather the hulking Lasat doesn't immediately start rapid firing them in Ezra's direction literally the moment the Wookies they're rescued depart from the ship. If anything Zeb's awkward around Ezra at the moment - clearly uneasy. So, for lack of any better way to handle it, Ezra finally raises the subject of returning to Capital City himself, trying hard as he does to not to sound too intense or desperate about it. 

There must be something wrong about it in his tone though, given the way that Hera studies him for a long silent moment across the dinner table, her expression troubled...almost sad, before she ultimately assures Ezra quietly that yes, she's going to be plugging in the coordinates for Lothol as soon as they finish their meal and barring any unanticipated surprises, they'll all be back in the Lotholian system by sometime tomorrow morning.

Zeb finally lets loose with his previous wisecracks after that- the ones about how once they're all back on Lothol Ezra won't have to worry about running into the Specters again unless they don't spot him first. The lasat looks absolutely miserable though and the words fall like lead to the ground in the corridor between them.

Which ultimately? Ezra finds he can do longer bear. Other Zeb was essentially his brother, after all not to mention his long term roommate and comrade in mischief for all five years. 

And as for this Zeb? Well really it was Ezra who'd decided to stay on that imperial ship this time around, wasn't it? He'd known exactly what was happening when Kallus ambushed him in that hallway and he's deliberately allowed it to happen, whether Zeb chose to intercede or not.. Which means that this time around Zeb deserves at least some closure with Ezra before he goes. Some karking absolution.

Which is why, instead of just snapping at Zeb's joke like he had the first time around, Ezra actually turns back toward the Zeb in the hallway and then quite genuinely smiles at him, unspeakably grateful at the moment that Zeb's bad joke this time around been made in virtual private, which allowed Ezra to crack facade for just long enough to say what he felt had to be said without drawing to much attention from any of the others.

"Look...how about the two of us just declare official bygones, okay, Zeb? Regarding what's happened during the past few days, I mean Because yes, we both acted like jerks when we first met and we both made some seriously questionable choices, but in the end we both stowed our issues in order to be part of something that was more important, and I don't know about you, but I'm really glad we did." "Kid I..." Zeb opens his mouth to reply, but Ezra swiftly cuts him off, just needing to get what's need completely off his chest. And then get the hell out of range before Zeb ends up trying to do something stupid like hug him. "It's ...look it's been a seriously crazy week since I first met you guys...but I'm glad I came about. Kark, I'm even kinda of glad now that I look back on it all that I got left behind the way I was on that ship. I mean, who knows what would have happened to those prisoners if I hadn't." Ezra draws in a deep breath then lets it out again, before determinedly continuing. "Kitwarr and his clan, Zeb - their lives vs a couple truly crappy hours? It was all totally worth it, or at least it was in my opinion. You know I think sometimes that universe works in some pretty strange ways...like, I don't know, it's always giving us opportunities to rise to at least try to be better. And I'm soooo glad most of the time that that's actually the case ...cause face it, most days even if I'm trying I'n still a selfish bantha's ass. I need as many chances at breaking the cycle as i can... That all admitted, it'll be good to get back home to where I actually belong again."

Ezra's not even technically lying as he leaves the Lasat standing there speechless the middle of the galley before he slips first into the fresher and then back up and into the vents. He's honestly relieved at this point that they're all so close to done with round of past as present. 

All he wants to do from here on out is look toward the future... the wide open horizon.

It is past time he figures, now that the worstifor him to finally bury the proverbial hatchet with his past, settle up with the piper and then see about (never) returning home again.

*****************

Ezra really would have preferred if that? Had simply been that. He would have literally offered up his right arm at that point if he and the Ghost Crew's goodbyes could have been kept both as swift and unemotional as possible. He's too karking tired at the moment to have the energy for anything more dramatic after all, not to even mention he's growing more and more alarmed at the way that Kanan's shifted from shooting him occasional curious glances since he first came on board to side eyeing him nearly constantly whenever they happen to end up in the same orbit. His former master's mind is clearly, actively puzzling.

That's Kanan Jarrus all right - seems disinterested a lot of the time to the unobservant outsider....while those who know him better, who have any clue how much actually goes on his head know karking well that he's actually a life long devotee of the unasked or unanswered question. Because while yes, Ezra has in fact done as much as he possibly can to way lay or otherwise avoid the older man's concern and curiousity, he's still well aware that he's going to have to get off of his former Master's radar as fast as he can possible manage it, even if that means temporarily leaving Capital City until the Ghost has left both the city and Lothol's orbit. 

And in the meantime? Ezra also knows that he needs to give Hera, Kanan and the rest of the crew no reason at all to balk at leaving the system if he wants to return swiftly afterwards and begin setting up shop for likely eventful days ahead. Which is why Ezra carefully borrows then returns Kanan's holocron to the exact same spot that he'd found it in Kanan's room the last time around after using the Star map within it to help him track down the exact coordinates for Rex's current home planet.

It's also why Ezra leaves Kanan's saber clipped to his belt - even after the older Jedi repeatedly all but waves it directly in his face...as if silently daring him to bring up exactly what's implicit about its presence. Ezra is not an idiot, though: he knows full well that that he's being judged right now both for his its reaction to the weapon's proximity as well as for his response to Kanan's own 'little secret.' His response to both remains constant though no matter how much Kanan baits him. He shows complete and total disinterest.

Before he leaves the ship for good though, Ezra does his best to remember his manners: leaving a brief note behind for Hera thanking her quite sincerely for the ride back to Lothol, the meals he'd eaten while on board, and lastly of course, the way that she and her crew had initially come back to save him. 

And after that? Ezra simply leaves The Ghost quietly, without fanfare or so much as a hint of his previous bitterness or sniping. He prefers instead to make the excision both swift and deep.

Because after all he is more then aware by now not just of Kanan's laser like focus but Hera's increasingly concerned expression, not to mention the unhappy tension that's increasingly whipcording his former roomates's boxy. That all forefront in his mind Ezra doesn't even bother to wait for any kind of official send-off from any of the others - just shoulders on his day-pack and activates the departure ramp the moment that Hera shuts then engines down and unlocks the door seals on planet, at which point he all but flat out runs from the Ghost; striding away from the vessel without so much as a look over his shoulder, and thanking the Force profusely all the while that well yes, Sabine Zeb and Hera all do call out long distance goodbyes to him from the end of the boarding ramp none of the rest of the crew tries to stop Ezra from leaving or otherwise tries to follow along after him.

And after that? It's finally truly done and finished. Ezra did it. He literally, truly, karking *did it.* And it's such a relief to realize that yes, it's all done and over with now, that he doesn't even feel particularly stupid when a short burst of hysterical laughter engulfs his body once he's out of sight of the ship. Not even after said laughter gradually morphs into hot painful tears that stream down hotly over his cheeks and silently shake his entire body for a good fifteen minutes.

After that the flood finally abates - mainly because he suspects that he's finally run out of actual tears to cry, so Ezra makes his way back into the city, feeling incredibly drained as he does so but also still feeling relieved almost beyond his capacity to even express it. He stays in the City Center once he reaches it just long enough to knick a couple of nice fat wallets near one of the government buildings. After that, he finally heads back home to his tower with a newly bought bag of supplies thrown over one of his his shoulders, fully intending once he gets there to do nothing but burrow under his nest of blankets for the next couple of days and try and stay trashed enough to keep himself from doing anything galactically stupid. Like, say, for example trying to spy on the Specters from a distance before they eventually leave the city and hopefully after that the planet.)

He stays safely sequestered up in his tower over the next several days - drinking himself into literal unconsciousness as often as he can manage it, while all the while, the broken bond in the back of his mind screams endless denials like some kind of loop of grief and fury in his head. 'What are you doing?! What in kark are you doing?!' 

He hates his karking mind and the nonstop mantra he has to ignore at the moment.

'It was the right thing to do, it's still the right thing to do.' Ezra reminds himself yet again, in the early morning hours of what he thinks is probably either day four or five, while the Ghost remains stubbornly parked in a field in the next district over and Ezra's last stolen bottle of hard liquor he'd stored up for nust this lays empty on its side on the floor beside his bed. 'It kriffing sucks yeah, but in the long run this road - this choice that he is making right now for all of them - will still suck a whole lot less than the karking alternative.

They *will* leave eventually. They will. They have to. Until then, Ezra can and he *will* kriffing outwait them.

***********************

"So, Hera wants you to come and have dinner with all of us one last time before we all ship off of the planet, Ezra and so do the rest of us if I'm being honest about it, so what do you prefer? State your preference on the menu and you can also have your pick from the vendors in terms of whatever desert will end up being."

The words, when Kanan actually speaks, make Ezra startle very much like a startled cat. Then again, at the moment, he's also still dealing with enough of a lingering buzz from last night's half of a bottle of whiskey that he'd actually missed the older Jedi's presence entirely until after the older Jedi has literally managed to sneak up on him. Ezra lets out a tiny, sharp yelp of startled shock in response, dropping both his tote bag of supplies, as well as last of the coins that he'd been silently counting out to himself in his hand as he s tood there trying to decide exactly how and on what he wanted to spend them.

The Brandy bottle that is tucked into the bottom of his tote bag breaks with the sharp crack of shattering glass as it impacts hard with the ground as a result - the amber colored liquid pouring out through bag's thin fabric and onto the dirty pavement below him.

Ezra looks down for a moment or so before sighing and raising one hand to rub tiredly across the skin his forehead, "Well Sithspit." He murmurs softly. "There goes my evening." He pauses, "Not to even mention my evening."

This is bad, he knows - and probably horrendously so. Ezra has no money to buy a replacement bottle right now, unless he manages to successfully picks a couple more pockets. And honestly? Ezra's feeling too wrecked to even attempt to try that at the moment. But at the same time he's also painfully aware from hard earned experience that he's likely going to have a ztring of nightmares bad enough to literally shatter the world tonight he doesn't actively resupply by sundown. The memories of their last battle the last few days have been particularly vicious. All of which means that later on today, whether he likes it or not Ezra's going to have to come back into town again at that point with both a migraine to and a full on hangover to contend with. So yeah... as he'd just said, Force Damned Karking Sith Spit.

Kanan meanwhile - who'd most likely caught on to some, if not all of that previous stream of thoughts (Force had Ezra been unknowingly projecting? He karking hopes not as he triple checks his shielding) - just takes one look good look at Ezra mottled face and obvious lack of any motor skills, and then his eyes narrow in a manner that Ezra knows all too well though he had thankfully not seen aimed in his particular direction for several years now. It's an expression that Ezra knows portends absolutely nothing good concerning any coming conversation.

But he's still got said 'talk' incoming apparently. 

"You're drunk, Bridger." Kanan's words are blunt when he finally speaks up.

Ezra purses his lips tightly for several seconds, then licks his lips to wet them before ultimately replying. "Yes. I am, Jarrus. And your point is exactly?"

Even a complete and utter moron should have been able to pick up on Ezra's unspoken 'And how exactly is this any of your business?' Kanan certainly caught the context, judging by the slight tightening around the older man's lips in response. He simply opts, because he's exactly that kind of judgmental asshole, to ignore it - at least for the time being. "You're what…fourteen years old, Kid? Fifteen? That's a little young to be hitting the cups, Ezra. At any time of day for the record. Muchless before you've even bothered to stop for karking breakfast." 

That such a habit also impedes his educational prospects is unspoken in the other man's eyes, but stipl implicit. Ezra would even concedesl that the issue might be something approaching valid if Ezra had ever actually *had* the opportunity to step in an actual classroom since his parents' death. He hasn't though, which means he's mostly annoyed just in general by the subtext of the comment. At the same time that Kanan voices the words aloud, though, he also steps a little farther into Ezra's personal space, glancing around them as he does so, as if taking fuller stock of their mutual surroundings, while at the same time Ezra can sense the way the older man reaches out to brush against his barriers... Less stealthily this time, probably assuming Ezra's too drunk right now to actually notice or care what he's actually doing. Ezra has to forcefully remind himself not to over-react or otherwise retaliate by essentially psychically bitch slapping the hell out of him.

Instead, he deliberately steps back and straightens up his whole body (because yes maybe Ezra a little tipsy right now but not actually dangerously intoxicated) and then he raise his own eyes to Kanan's own and glares at the older Jedi hypercritically. Before speaking to him mind to mind psychically. "'No! Keep your karking mind to yourself, Jarrus. Leave me the kriff alone. I am not now, nor will I ever be a threat to you or yours deliberately. Well not unless you force me to be anyway. But you had better believe that I younger than you or not i will still karking defend my own mind to the death if someone tries to push invade it. You have not been invited muchless bothered to ask for entrance, and I have done nothing to any of you up to now that's deserving that kind of violation.' He arches a judgemental eyebrow at the other man, hoping it hides the way his heart is racing. 'Or Jarrus is my impression that we both have better manners than to do that wrong apparently?"

Kanan looks at Ezra then for couple of long silent moments then, apparently reassessing, then he dips his own head a little as if conceding a point. "Well all right then, Ezra. Fairvpoint. My apologies. Stiill, by the looks of things, given the past couple of days we are still due a chat...and probably a fairly long one. So how about you let me buy you something for breakfast as at least the start of an apology." He looks Ezra's up and down then snorts softly, before continuing. "You can pick where we go so long as its plentiful and healthy...as well as preferrably, sufficient to soak up some of the damage that you've done to your liver at the moment. We can either eat at one of the cafes around here or grab something from one of the stands and bring it back to your tower or the Ghost to eat while we talk. Your choice. I have no particular preference, so pick."

Ezra very distinctly remembers not telling any of the rest of Specter crew his last name while he was staying with them aboard the Ghost. Nor had he mentioned any of the specifics about where he currently lived. Which means that they have probably been asking around town about him. They've all been deliberately, actively mining for information. 

'Well, this is just lovely.' And precisely *not* what he had wanted. Ezra feels his lips curl up at the corners but still makes himself form at least a half decent polite fake smile, not wanting to reveal his actual levels of frustration, "Thanks for the offer Jarrus but no thanks...but I'm not particularly hungry at the moment." And then he turns his back on the older man in order to make his way down the street, not intending to stop again until Kanan sblnorts and resumes speaking.

"Kid, that was not actually a suggestion." The older Jedi's calm voice pulls Ezra's head back around at nearly the exact same moment that the older Jedi also pulls something small and square out of his right coat pocket, "You forgot something before you left The Ghost, here Ezra, so catch." Then just as quick Kanan tosses something toward Ezra's face so quickly that he grabs for it instinctively just to protect his eyes before he even consciously processes what he's receiving.

Ezra's just caught Kanan's Holocron, albeit carefully wrapped up in a neat swatch of cloth to keep it out of the view of any other curious onlookers. The thing practically sings to Ezra wryly then, as it lies there in his hands.

Kanan quirks his own eye then, lips curving up a little smugly as he walks back over to retrieve it from him calmly, and tuck it in to his jacket's breast pocket. Then he bends forward toward Ezra just slightly again - as if he means to whisper a secret in his ear. "Just so you know for next time around, Ezra, if you ever happen to 'stumble across' another one of these again in the future and you end up with even temporarily 'itchy fingers' as a result... You should probably keep it it mind that most devices like the one you're holding right now have a special record keeping function built into them that automatically records every time the thing is activated and by who, as well as a list of each and every query its been given. Even if, as it turns out all that you're requesting to see at the points its borrowed is just a set of old and innoculous looking Old Republic Era Route Guides or star maps."

Ezra blinks at that announcement then swallows all but convulsively, his hands tightening instinctively around the object, then loosening up. 'Sith spit. Well Banthashit.' It's not even all that hard for him to believe - though no, it's also not anything about which his own Kanan had ever bothered to inform or retroactively enlighten him. Most likely Ezra guesses, because it was a genuinely useful way for his former master to keep abreast on the topics his Padawan had researching without being unecessarily accusatory or nosy about it. Ezra had often wondered at Kanan's uncanny knack for bringing up unexpectedly useful if initially random seeming topics during sparring or before their early rounds of sparring... 

"So...the set of star systems you were so desperate to get look at. They all look to me on initialanalysis like a great big bunch of literally nothing. What on Lothol were you actually looking for there that could have made any gain worth the risk?"

"Nothing. It was just a curiousity really...a kind of stupid hobby." The response is perhaps a little breathier than it should probably be to be completely believable. Though thankfully Ezra thinks he probably passes for cagey more than audibly outright panicked.

"Mmmmhmmm. Why isn't that something I'm all that inclined to believe at the moment, huh kid?" 

Ezra resists the urge to groan aloud in reply that, because honestly, what's seven the point. "You're wasting your time. There's nothing there worth anybody's real interest There's not even any current settlements like you said in even one of those systems."

Kanan snorts. "Then why even bother to even take the risk?"

Ezra mentally flails for a moment or two, before fall back on straight up misdirection. "You were talking about getting breakfast earlier right?" He point at a cafe then, "There would work. Unless you want. Just vegetarian or vegan..."

Kan snorts "As I said earlier anything you want to pick is fine, Kid, so long as there's hot caff too..."

Ezra pivots with a quick nod and darts for the door of the restaurant, witbout another word.

Kanan's footsteps and then his words follow immediatly after him, the later heavy with wry, smug amusement. 

"Just don't think for even a second kid, that eating is gonna get you out of any actual following conversation..."


	2. Clarity

Fifteen minutes later the two of them are both sitting together in a booth. Ezra - who'd refused to give Kanan the pleasure of an engraved invitation into his home by ordering the food as take out, is now slumped down in the booth, a literal mountain of food on the table in front of him. This is probably because Kanan's own order had amounted to the ridiculous - some sort of unholy retribution the older man was taking for Ezra's far more spartan initial order of "Hot Caf. Strong. Go ahead and just leave behind an entire pot, please. I'll take one slice of toast just plain. No butter. No nut spread. No Jam. One egg scrambled hard with a little.salt im the.mix. No veggies, mushrooms or anything else like that in the scramble up please.

His former Master - who'd realized rapidly that now, Ezra wasn't in fact going to be swayed into talking any more about the previously mentioned star system, had lowered his own menu to stare at Ezra in disbelief for a judgemental disbelieving moment. And after that? Kanan had promptly retaliated against Ezra's admittedly conservative - and apparently completely unacceptable meal choice by rapidly ordering them both a shared platter containing well... pretty much everything else currently on the menu . Taking care to place special emphasis on everything starchy, greasy and ridiculously calorie-laden, because yes apparently Kanan Jarrus is precisely that kind of a jerk when he's decided to feed a teenager with a hangover. He"s not getting much help eating it. Ezra's stomach's been iffy for days. The smell of most of what's on the table right now is mostly leaving Ezra unimpressed or in the worst cases, downright nauseous. Although he does have to admit that the hash browns aren't looking that bad now that he's had a bit more chance to wake up and after his third or forth cup of caff he's starting to feel vaguely human. Thankfully, Ezra knows, most if not all of what Kanan had ordered for the two of them earlier can always be boxed up later for shipside reheating. The rest of the crew still back on the Ghost will no doubt end up appreciating all the leftovers that Kanan's going to have to bring back with him to the ship later on today whenever Ezra finally manages to.escape this damn trial by breakfast and hopefully slips the leash and Kanan's company again.

"As I was trying to tell you earlier this morning, Ezra." Kanan starts out his spiel again very calmly, shoveling his own forkful of hash-brown and sausage casserole into his mouth before he does so and then chewing on it intently before finally finishing his statement, "Hera and the rest of us have been talking - about a lot of things actually over the last couple of days. And we'd all really like for you to come back and join us aboard the Ghost sometime during the next few days for dinner if you can make the time for it. Because we all have a couple of questions about some of things things that happened when you first came aboard that are going to need a bit more explanation for everyone's joint peace of mind. Not to mention that Hera was hinting she has a prpfessional offer to extend to you that you should really at least ake the time to hear out for yourself before the rest of us leave the planet."

"I'm not looking for a crew job, Jarrus if that's what this is really about." Ezra's voice is benign when he replies. He doesn't even bother to look up from his own drink as he says it. "Though you can definitely tell Hera that yes - the interest, as well as the offer itself is of course appreciated. I know the business that you're all are involved in right now though, and plainly stated I'm not really interested in that sort or thing."

"oh you're not...." The older man's tone is clearly skeptical when he eventually replies after a long period of Ezra being studied in near perfect. "Then I guess the better question i would have to ask is why not, considering any number of your fairly recent actions. Assuming of course you didn't just try and do anything as insulting as attempt to lie straight to my face Ezra when we're both who we are and you no doubt know that as a result even if you tried you'd probably still suck at it?"

Ezra sighs, tipping his head and marking an invisible point with one finger, making a quick mental note to himself that as much as he dislikes it silence and misdirection are his best tools right now, because Kanan's right he sucks lying straigjt to other people's faces "Touche. Look...I just like my life right now the way it is, okay..? I work on my own...pick my own hours, my own jobs, my own wages." He stirs his caf several times slowly and methodically several times before lifting it in the cradle of his hands once again up to his lips, reminding himself every word of this is technically true. "Contract work gives me room to say both yes and no according to my gut everytime I'm offered a job. And the gigs are plentiful this time of year... I've got plenty of options for jobs available to me at the moment."

Kanan snorts aloud at that, before settling back against his booth, "What other 'projects' exactly, Ezra? Picking random pockets in the local market to keep yourself in booze and junkfood or ramen when you're not busy hiding in your tower the better part of each day, apparently attempting to drink your liver into early destruction?" The older Jedi leans forwardnthem, spreading his hand wide, "Because I have to tell you, Ezra, from where I'm sitting right now your whole ongoing 'life plan' doesn't strike me as particularly enjoyable for someone of your obvious intelligence, muchless for someone with you or I's particular… uhm… shall we just call them 'special talents?"

Ezra raises his eyes from the rim his own mug then, more than a little bemused by both his former master's tone and all too likely expression. Kanan Jarrus is currently half slumped down on his side of the booth, his arms folded dispassionately across his chest, looking just about as pissy and unimpressed at the moment as Ezra has ever had the privilege of personally seeing him.

He takes another long drink or two from his mug, choosing his next tactic carefully efore eventually replying. Then he.raises a single eloquent eyebrow before verbally parrying back to the older man across from him. "Little tip for you, Jarrus... Admitting to actively stalking someone while you're still actively trying to recruit them? Is generally speaking a *bad* opening gambit. It makes you look really desperate. Plus it tends to make your target think that you just might be just a little bit..." he circles his finger in a lazy loop just to the left side of his temple. "How shall I put this, Jarrus? Just a little bit 'hinky.'"

"Kid, this whole thing is..." Kanan huffs out on a snort in respomse, repeating the exact same gesture with his own hand. "...Just a little bit hinky."

"How do ya figure?" Ezra mutters back, only to immediately regret actually voicing the sentiment, even just colloquially or under his breath

Because Kanan just nails him with a sharp, far too knowing look in response to the question. "You want an itemized or an alphabetized answer to that one, Kid? Because whether you actually meant to lay down that hand or not I've got nothing but time right now if you actually decide that you really want to talk about it."

Ezra bears his own teeth, just the tiniest bit on pure instinct, "Thanks, but no thanks. Also, has anyone else ever told you Jarrus that for a guy who clearly likes to come across as cool as a kriffing cucumber most of the time whem you get frustrated or discouraged you tend to develop a seriously broody and or melodramatic streak?"

Kanan sighs, uncrossing his arms, and then recrossing them again, frowning "I really really, don't, kid." The older Jedi informs him, the big kriffing liar, and then Kanan frowns, leaning forward as if to emphasize his next point via straight out glower swagger. "And also...just like you have been told multiple times now by this point, you can skip the last name, Kid and call me Kanan not Jarrus just like the others." 

"Thanks but no thanks. In truth, your last name suits you better." Ezra's refusal is blunt. For his own good - kark it for his own sanity - he needs to be able to maintain at least that much separation between the old Kanan and this new one when they're interacting with eachother. He needs some way to maintain some level of personal distinction between the two of them in his own karking mind. If Kanan doesn't like it, Ezra figures, the older man is free to stop harassing him altogether.

There's short pause then before Kanan finally grunts in frustration, and then leans forward across the half full table top - his voice growing snippy and impatient, his temper near to breaking. "Okay then, if this is really how you want to play it then let's just stop pussyfooting around and cut straight to the heart of the issue? Where in the kark is your kriffing *Master,* Ezra Bridger?"

Ezra chokes then, on his second bite of egg, nearly aspirating as he does so thanks to the sudden bout of violent coughing. "Uhm what?!" He finally manages to splutter out, his eyes wide with disbelief and just a little bit of.shock. A quick glance downward toward the table reveals that yes - his hands have started shaking albeit minutely He still takes a second or two to deliberately still them after tucking them beneath the table.

Kanan just snorts, and takes another drink of his own caff before.continuing "In case no one's ever enlightened you to the fact before now Ezra, there is actually a very, bery different sort of feel between truly self-taught, and actively trained types of psychic shielding. Especially when you've been schooled in both types like I was by my master and suddenly face to face with someone with your particular power levels. Neither way is better but the structuring of the two is still bery very different." Kanan sighes then, leaning back in his seat. " So again I repeat, where is your Master right now, Ezra? Working somewhere off planet? Or elsewhere in the city? Because unsurprisingly, given the past week or so and everything we've all been through, I'd kinda like to speak at the moment with him or her."

Ezra raises a brow, still trying desperately in the meantime to keep his breathing steady and mask his still.pounding heart rate "Shouldn't we take this conversation... I don't know, somewhere a little more private than a karking restaurant right now Jarrus? You know.. given what you actually just asked and how rare it these day finding others who can learn or teach our ...particular kind of kriffing trade."

Kanan snorts a little in reponse to Ezra's particular choice of phrasing, though he also glances around cautiously in response to the question, shifting in his seat uneasily. Not Ezra knows that he has any reason to legitimately worry - Ezra had picked this place out fornvery good reason. The proprietor is nearly blind as a bat and better than halfway deaf...not to mention that the radiators near the back of the small dining area tend to completely block all sound coming to and going from the kitchen. Not all time no, but this time of year especially. There aren't in short, many nosy bystanders coming in and out of here that Ezra is aware of much less anyone who'd be interested enough under most circumstances to actually eavesdrop on manynof this place's conversations. Even so, Ezra's still feeling pretty antsy at the moment. He wants the comfort of movement that their changing locations would bring. Even if he also knows that he can't precisely escape from the entire conversation. Kanan meanwhile just gestures toward the doornwith his arm. "Lead the way, Bridger. We can always take this conversation back to your tower or anywhere else you think is reasonably safe. After you finish up your breakfast, meaning more than an egg and half a karking piece of toast, Ezra. Because right now, speaking quite frankly kid," Kanan looks him up and down then, "You look like you've skipped a meal or ten recently and it's not what I'd call a great look.

"I'm fine, Kanan." The retort is instintive. Kanan snorts. Ezra winces 

"So you claim. Somehow I think the scales would say otherwise. You really should think about cutting back on the sorts and types of calories you're currently intaking. Alcohol is a grain yes, Ezra, but it's still only one of the food groups. Protein and fruits and vegetables are kind of necessary too if you actually want to keep growing."

"Oh hah hah hah." Ezra snorts, and then he just shrugs his shoulders, "No: for the record I haven't been eating all that much lately, Jarrus. Because my stomach's been really messed up. Not to mention in order to eat on a regular basis I have to work. As in either barter out my skill set or failing finding income via that, I have find the right mark to pickpocket. And I've been 'mysteriously occupied' during the last week or so in particular for some completely inexplicable reason. So no, I'm not exactly what you'd call flush in my personal pantry at the moment."

Kanan scowls at that, though his eyes are also genuinely dark with concern. He's doing his best at the moment not to be obvious about it, or show too much sympathy - but he does care. Probably, Ezra knows he's taking the hard road because he thinks that he's looking at a mostly normal urban street kid with the beginnings of a serious alcohol addiction. "That gut trouble that you've got right now? Is generally refferred to as a 'hangover,' Ezra. And you did it to yourself, Kid, so please don't expect me to drum up much sympathy for you. Your excuses for all.of this aren't serving anyone right now...even you, at least as far as I'm seeing."

"I didn't ask for your sympathy, Jarrus. " Ezra's voice is tigjt when he speaks up again. "Kark I didn't even ask for this meal. Of which I have had as much as is wise for me right now. Unless of course you're actually eager to pass an afternoon trying to lecture me more while watching me repeatedly puking. And as for my karking drinking..which I do on my own time not to mention my own dollar, Jarrus I'd kind of like you to get off of your high horse and off my kriffing back about it. Since literally nobody is forcing you to endure my company but you at the moment."

"I'll get off your back about it when I can't see your damn ribs through your clothes anymore. Not to mention when I...and therefore probably also most half decently trained ISF can't literally ambush you like I did did this morning out in the market." "That isn't about the booze it's about my migraine Kanan." "The older Jedi just snorts. "Yeah kid try that line on someone else who might actually believe it..You want me to actually get out of your facd than maybe you can try remembering that since the other day you are actually ot the only one at risk anymore if you managed get yourself captured while drinking yourself stupid." 

Even as he offers those words, Kanan reaches out to gently flick two pf his fingers against Ezra's forehead- the chiding gesture quick and clearly automatic, as well as fairly commonplace, if not all that frequent during the lighter hearted talks in he and his own Master's previous relationship. It's just exactly the kind of unthinkingly casual touch that Kanan has always applied to those around him that he's closest to. Unfortunately for the both of them? This time it's also the first time since Ezra first woke up in this timestream that he and Kanan have touched at muchless skin to skin. The resultant effect is unmissable and immediate. The broken link inside of Ezra's head spasms hard like it's been hit directly by dry lightning. And Ezra? Nearly vomits up his breakfast in reaction.

Across from him, in nearly perfect synchronicity, Kanan jerks his hand back in shock and just as quickly pales, the older Jedi coughing almost breathlessly several times in a row before abruptly dropping his hand. Kanan's eyes are watering hard as he stares at Ezra across the now silent tabletop and judging by his former master's now absolutely poleaxed expression, Ezra's reasonably sure that Kanan just felt some if not all of that agonizing sting.

Glaring at him silently, still literally locked jawed with his own pain, Ezra responds to the shock in the otber man's eyes by reaching out and very deliberately shoving the older man's back toward his side of the table, mindful as he does so to touch only the fabric of Kanan's shirt in the process. "Like I told you before, " He eventually manages to get actual words out, "Keep your kriffing hands to yourself." His eyes are still watering forcing him to fight back involuntary tears for several more moments even as he doels his level best to uncoil what feel like better than half of his body. "My Mast...the person you were asking me before if you could meet... He's *dead,* all right?! He fell in battle nearly five months ago now. Which as you just saw for yourself a moment ago has left me no tolerance at all for dealing with anyone else's Banthakriff thanks to the headache he left with me."

And just like that, Kanan's whole karking face changes. His features going from grumpy and judgmental to, well, still grumpy and judgmental if Ezra's honest about it, but despite the sharpness of Ezra's words, all of those other emotions in Kanan are also underpinned by a thick layer of his damned trademark empathy. The older man straightens up in his seat immediately, his face growing gentler and opener than it's been since the two of them were first recrossed paths. And kark it: Ezra doesn't want him feeling sympathetic, much less instinctively protective or sith damned nurturing! That's exactly what he'd spent so much of his energy over the past weeks aggressively, deliberately *avoiding!*

By the look on the older Jedi's face though, Ezra knows that that karking bell is already rung - probably for the kriffing duration. And now as a result of that one moment of actual genuine connection everything else in Ezra's life just became a thousand times harder. He's going to have a full fledged fight on his hands even as he tries to detach himself from all of the rest of them- and a battle of wills with Kanan especially despite everything that he'd done in order to try and prevent it. And yes, for the record he's feeling a little pissed off at the moment about all of it.

"I'm sorry, Kid." Kanan's words when he finally speaks are low and deliberately His expression, his tone, kark everything about him at the moment has rapidly shifted from snarky and critical to gentle and soothing and almost bottomlessly patient. Ezra kind of hates how instinctly he still draws comfort from that mannerism for a moment. "So....Before said master died, I'm going to assume at this point that the two of you had a well-established training link?" Kanan's tone is soft - nearly gentle. "How long were the two of you together before you lost him?"

Ezra snorts softly in response the question, unable to find a reason in that moment of pain not to answer the question mostly truthfully. "Right about four karking years, okay? And he Hence my endless Karabast migraine. Which yes feels slightly less awful with a little bit of distance and so - surprise, surprise on the really bad days at least, I drink."

"Which probably helps temporarily with the pain.. but also simultaneously slaughters your appetite as well ... which probably explains the unhealthy levels of weight loss and the occasion post drinking Mr Hyde Appearance. Hypoglycemia makes nobody friends... " Kanan sighs, "Well thank Force I'll be able to tell the others that much if any of them comment about the apparent personality transplant." Kanan rises up from his seat then, throwing down enough cred chits to easily cover their meals as he does so without even glancing down at the food he's apparently about to leave behind them."Well come on, Ezra, it's definitely time for a change of plans. Forget about your tower for now- you and I headed directly back to The Ghost where we can make use of her fully stocked medbay instead."

Ezra blinks up at him scowling in response to that announcement."What possible good is there Jarrus, in me doing that?" 

"It's Kanan, Ezra. As i'm just going to keep reminding you. We have opioids and neuroinhibitors available on The Ghost to help treat you right now, Ezra. Including specialized meds that I have had stashed in storage which are specifically designed to treat psychic injuries lile the ones that you've got without requiring you to maintain an ongoing, semi permanent hangover to temporarily mute your symptoms in the process." 

"There are...there are meds for treating stuff like broken psy links?" Hell meds for fixing any kind of psychic trauma? Ezra's voice is hoarse when he speaks...hopeful but also a disbelieving, his lips are trembling hard even as he manages to force out the question. The doctors on Yavin who he'd seen after other Kanan's death had never hinted at anything of the sort, only offered him a steady stream of sedatives opioids, after they'd all completed their seeming multitude of full body and then cerenral scans finally admitted to him that yes...there appeared to be ongoing cerebral deterioration going on as well as so.e kind of adrenaline overload and failure they couldn't explain, muchless interrupt, only pallativelty treat.

Maybe, Ezra thinks, for a long shakey moment the doctors in question simply hadn't had any way to get ahold of any of the meds of which Ezra was speaking. Or hadn't known they existed? After all even before the fall of the Jedi order treating psychic issues surely had to have been a rare speciality.

Ezra doesn't know what must be showing up on his face or in his eyes - probably an unavoidable mix of disbelief and skepticism...along with something very near to actual hope, but either way Kanan just nods his head insistantly, crouching down in front of him to grasp Ezra carefully by the very edge of his the shirt fabric, then gently pulling him up and onto his feet, towing him along behind him. All the way to the restaurant's main entrance slowly but insistant.. 

"Yes, Ezra, there really, truly are. I know the past few months have no doubt sucked, but I promise you kid, life is about to get so much more bearable ...if you're willing to take a chance at let it. The way I figure, right now let's just get you back on ship and actually treat the source of your pain instead of just triaging it the way that you've learned to as of late. We can sort all the rest once you're finally sober and hopefully in better control of your pain..."

It's clear testimony, both to the growing intensity of Ezra's ongoing headache as well as to the complete and utter lack he had of any remaining survival instincts that Ezra lets himself be ushered out and on to Kanan's waiting speeder in the wake of those without any further kind of struggle or argument. He is going karking home. At least temporarily. Even if doing so means that he's almost inevitably going to get sucked right back down into the center of the whirlpool all kriffing over again.

***********

By the time that Kanan eventually half leads, half drags Ezra back to where Hera's currently parking The Ghost - not far from where they'd dropped him off just a few days ago, actually - Ezra's headache has grown from awful to so completely debilitating that he's actually swaying whenever he tries to karking sit, walk or stand. His vision also keeps blurring in and out - forcing him to shut his eyes and temporarily lean his forehead against the back of Kanan's Jacket while the two of them share the speeder He's exhausted when they arrive, as well as nauseous, and also more then a little dizzy and frankly ready to pass out as soon as possible for for a few hours nap. So he doesn't notice at first when both Hera and Sabine come down to greet them off of the ship's boarding ramp.

"Ezra!" Hera says her tone clearly delighted as she rapidly approaches where Kanan's pulled up the speeder.

"Hey, Bridger." Sabine also speaks up with a mostly neutral, if not unwelcoming expression.

"I'm not staying." He informs them both, probably just a little bit too quickly. "We're just here to grab something Kanan said might be able to help with an issue I'm having, but after that, I'm headed back to my tower."

Kanan snorts softly, and mutters something under his breath then that sounds suspiciously like, "Yeah. Uh huh, Kid. We'll karking see about that..." 

Then, he leads Ezra up and into the heart of the ship, giving out a string of orders before they even reach the top of the boarding ramp. "Okay, Sabine, I need you to please grab me some extra blankets and a sheet or two out of the upstairs linen closet for the cot that's set up in medbay. After you do so please go on down to the thermostats in lower level and make sure that the heat is turned all the way up to full strength in medbay. Ezra's going to be staying with us there for... I'm guessing several days at minimum. Hera, I'll gladly explain the why of that to you more thoroughly once I've gotten what I need from my room to finish triaging Ezra since I already know that you're going to want more information...but in the meantime if you want to help speed things along, then Ezra needs to get up to medlab and prepped for a bolus IV asap. Regular drip to gravity IV intially, please. Hang him up some Lactated Ringers if we have any of them on hand. If not then just go with a standard bag of normal saline and try and get some electrolyte replacement drink into him if he can manage to keep any down. He's allowed normal food and water if he wants it: but he's struggling with nausea and supressed appetite. Oh - and Hera he's going to need a dose of the highest tier of IV Morphine that's safely allotted for someone in his weight category."

Hera's eyes widen in alarm in reaction, "Kanan, what in the ..." She turns toward Ezra again, more assessingly this time, noting this time around both the younger man's unfocused gaze and gently swaying stance, before she steps forward and gently but insistantly lifts up his chin to examine his pupil responses. "Did he take some kind of blow to the head while the two of you were out there this morning? Or fall on his butt due to low blood sugar." Her expression is growing increasingly worried, "You're not looking all that hot at the moment, Ezra, though I hate to tell you that."

"No, Hera. " Kanan assures her, before Ezra can drum up a suitably cheeky reply. "It's nothing newly emergent, or even particularly life-threatening - at least at the moment. But Ezra is going to need a full course of Amalyn as soon as I can possibly arrange to get it into him...and probably IV rehydration just in general for a couple of days if we're being smart about it. I've still got plenty of the drug in question up in the storage bins in my room from last time I needed it myself, which I'm sure you remember. I'm going to go dig out a couple of vials of the stuff as soon as we get him upstairs and then I'll be back to set up a bolus that he can have along with his morphine."

"Amalyn? I know that second drug's purpose and use by name but not the first one, you guys." Sabine is clearly confused and seeking more information - Kanan's been training her as backup medic since she first came on board- but Hera's jaw just drops as she stares for a long moment across at her lover. Then the Twi'lek pilot looks at Ezra, and then at Kanan then back to Kanan again. After that her eyes go wide in sudden recognition and sith spit. Forced Damned Karking Sith Spit. This is literally the last thing that Ezra wants to be dealing with right now in the entire kriffing galaxy. Because Hera? Is reaching out toward Ezra protectively now as well. Taking him by the arm with a sharp nod toward Kanan. 

"Go ahead and get whatever you need too. I've got him till then. Come on, Ezra." She murmurs prodding him with one hand wrapped arround his forearm to steer him forward gently, "Let's get you upstairs and into Medlab and get a pain drip finally running." She's silent for a long moment, and when she finally does speak her face is practically rictus with regret. "Little Gods, Ezra I only wish that we'd known ... before you ever left the ship. You wouldn't have had to suffer for so long without any help for the pain if we had."

"What. is. Amalyn?" Sabine repeats the words yet again, this time more insistently, clearly frustrated by the lack of any real answer as the four of them move down the corridor toward the ladder that leads upstairs and into the residential ring. Ezra sighs very deeply resting at the base of the ladder for several long seconds before slowly climbing upward, answering Sabine's question as he does so before either Hera or Kanan can ask him if it is okay for them do so. Because after all, even if he doesn't know for certain how the drug in question functions he can at least make a good guess. He's well aware Sabine loathes feeling under informed and therefore unprotected. "It's a drug used to treat force-sensitive patients, Sabine. A neuroinhibitor that's used to treat psychic damage when it's encounter in telepaths or empaths. My assumption is that it's used to numb and then heal the damage caused by psychic overload or traumatically broken psi-links."

And just like that, Sabine seems to get the greater context as well. Her eyes go wide as dinner plates, her jaw gaping open. "You mean that you're a...Kanan he's a...like you.?"

"Yes, Sabine."

"No, I'm not a Jedi." Kanan and Ezra both answer the question as one with Ezra ironically being the one who takes the negative this time around. Though yes he's speaking as truthfully as he can at the moment. There's a short tense moment or two of silence between all four of them , while Kanan scowls into the space in front of him slightly, before Ezra speaks up again. "I used to be someone's Padawan, yes, Sabine. Until a few months ago. But my Master is dead now, and I? Well I guess you could same I'm just a better than average pick-pocket likes to occasionally play little kid's hero at the moment."

Kanan's jaw twitches hard in response to that statement, as if he wants to protest Ezra's explanation on instinct, but he doesn't say anything more just looks over to the Ghost's Twi'lek pilot yet again. "Like I already said, Hera – please take him up and over to Medbay, and get some pain meds into him. He desperately needs to get re-hydrated and to start getting his nausea levels down low enough that he starts showing some interest in actual food again. I'll be back to help as soon as I possibly can, but we also need to get an accurate weight on him right now and he needs a running drip before I can hang up his Amalyn. "

Then Kanan's stalking off through the corridors of the ship in the direction of his room without even looking toward, much less directly at Ezra again, while the younger Jedi finds himself essentially prodded along by Hera toward sickbay, moving in slow shuffling steps as fast as he can currently manage. The green skinned Twi'lek who's hovering over him at the moment like she's afraid he's going to fall over any minute, eventually again catches his gaze, her lips quirking up a little wryly. "Well, this visit was anything but expected.. Not that I mind at all that you came. Still, the last time that Kanan and I talked he told me that he was just going to try and track you down this morning in order to let you know that I wanted to talk to you when you had a few free minutes…"

"I don't need or want a job thank you, Syndulla." Ezra tells her very bluntly as the door draws ever closer, the denial by now practically automatic. "I have other commitments right now though thank you of course for the offer - and for the eggs and the toast that went along with it Kanan treated me to earlier. They were both appreciated. I just..."

"You just what, Bridger?" It's the mandalorian teenager who speaks but Hera and Sabine both raise their brows at him then, curious.

Ezra sighs, wishing for a moment he'd just showed up already unconscious. It'd be easier if he were out of pain when having this tricky of a diversionary talk.

Well, for starter Hera, I only contract out my services on a temporary basis, when I chose to work with other people at all. And for a second, Syndulla I certainly don't make a habit of working with any crew that's blatantly been stalking me around town before they ask."

"I think you'd be a natural fit for the rest of us here on The Ghost, Ezra - and the work as you've already seen can be very, very rewarding..." Hera's very clearly just processing the parts she wants to hear of what Ezra's saying right now. She frowns a moment as the more negative aspects of his words finally register. "We really move around too much for normal contract work to be practical or safe in our particular line of business, Ezra although in this case I'm almost certain that you and I could reach some kind of mutually beneficial arrangement if you wanted to try coming on board for a couple of months on a trial basis...which'd be safer for you after our recent brush with ISF..." Hera's words die off then completely, and she shakes her head as if to clear it. "Wait...wait a minute ...did you just say that you don't work for people who *stalk you,?!*" The question is more then a little incredulous.

"Yes I did, Hera. And no I don't" Ezra says calmly, crossing his arms defensively in front of him.

"Ezra none of us have been...I mean"

"Banthakriff, Hera. If you pardon my language. Because that's all that really fits at the moment. At least if we're both honest," Ezra very politely but very firmly cuts her off. "I very, very distinctly remember before I left the Ghost deliberately not telling any of you my full name no matter how many times I was asked. Much less where I lived in Capital City or anything else that would indicate I was interested in any further contact at the time. Yet here we are... and don't try and tell me after the way that Kanan managed to track me down in the East Side Market and made it abundantly clear that you all also know where I live and what exactly I've been the past few days that you haven't been asking questions if not outright running some kind of surveillence on me. After the past week especially it's just a little too intense for my tastes if I'm honest."

Sabine pauses right next to the still gaping Hera, right next to the locking mechanism to the door on medbay. "Oh for Sith's sake... Look your full name and your current address are basically common knowledge in the underbelly of the city right now, Ezra, at least for anyone who's ever worked a job with you or paid you to work one for them instead. Not to mention name wise, you also have a clearly recognizable ID just in general, thanks to both your age and your capabilities in very specific skill set. You're known to be both capable and reliable for certain types of work...I suppose semi honorably." 

Ezra scowls at that particular word choice. "Which means?"

"Which means, basically that we didn't have to follow you anywhere to find out that sort of stuff about you, Ezra. All we had to do was make a couple of info requests backed up by a little cash just to grease up the wheels at a couple of the local cantinas claiming that we were interested in possiblh hiring you on as crew and since we have a good rep ourselves several people who thought you'd at least hear us out were more than happy to help us find you! " 

The Mandalorian frowns a little at him a little then, crossing her hands over her chest "And Karabast, yes Kanan was able to figure out what market you'd most likely go to this morning - partly because of what kind of places people claimed you liked to work your trade...partly because it's reasonable to think you'd fit your schedule to the specific rush hours of the various the markets so it give you better cover when you straight up cred lift or run various cons or diversion. I may not have I known exactly how you do it everytime, but understanding the basic principles of that kind of work, doesn't take an unattainable level genius. Also I realize now that you're a ...well you know, and that with find of secret comes a higher then normal level of reasonable caution. Still you may be going a little bit overboard here with the paranoid and suspicious?.

"Oh." And okay yeah, maybe put that bluntly Ezra does sound a little unreasonably self-defensive at present. Damn Sabine and her wonderously over intelligent head. "Okay fair enough, then." He sways again, then puts both of his hands up in the air in a gesture of clear mock surrender. "My previous accusations about you guys stalking me are *mostly* retracted. But that doesn't change the fact that like it or not, I'm still not looking for different work then I've got. It's nothing personal, the offer is flattering. If I were so inclined..maybe it'd be different. As it is I'm just not looking to sign on as crew for anyone at the moment."

Sabine snorts yet again, "Because you're what? Fully committed to getting your professional degree in street crime by your age of majority instead, Ezra? That's a real rewarding line of work there, Hot Shot, when you've got better offers now then just skulking around in the shadows for the rest of your life. Think of the difference you made for yourself - and others too, on just one mission. Don't try and tell me for a second you actually like - much less feel proud of the kind of work you're normally doing." 

And okay yes, Ezra admits, that accusation definitely stings. In large part because once upon a time Ezra would've likely thought pretty much the same thing in Sabine's own position. He understands some things better now then he used to though - there are things worse then grey side living.

Like soldiers who fight for causes that are as expendable as they themselves are in the eyes of the worlds doing the warring.

Like him not a pick pocket but not a hero either...just a wreck of new prostetics and otherwise useless flesh which hadn't been able to save his world or his master in the end.

Which is why he does his best in the here and now to not flinch or nod even so much as a little, feigning nonchalance instead - albeit poorly - before ultimately replying.

"Wow. We'll talk more about your apparent judgmental streak later, Wren. When I have less of a headache and you're a little less up on your moral high horse about the general state of the galaxy in which we live. Since, after all, where I come from isn't the same thing as where I'm going...and even if it were, you haven't walked everywhere that I've been. I don't give a kriff what you think about the supposed morality of my life choices, Sabine Wren, when you've got no context at all from which to fairly judge them."

"Okay, okay that's enough right now, the both of you! Ezra you're clearly in serious pain right now...which makes practically just having to exist feel incredibly offensive. And Ezra also has a point, Sabine, as much as I don't like to say you're wrong in this context. The truth is that we don't know enough about Ezra's life up until now or any plans he may have for his own future to see things from his particular perspective. That much acknowledged just to be fair, Ezra, you and Kanan still never answered my earlier question. What in the kriff happened to you out there to leave you looking so damn awful - much less to make Kanan drag you back here the way that he did so quickly?" Hera keys open the door to medbay then, gesturing to the table for Ezra to sit down. After which she starts digging around in the cupboards until she finds a medkit and begins laying out IV infusion supplies, IV tape and the bottle of saline she'll need for initial flushing. "I'm just a little lost at the moment. Because by the sound of it, Ezra, Our Own Mr 'Just Slap a Band-Aid On It, And Walk It Off - you'll hurt but you'll live' just went from buying you some breakfast one moment to dragging you back here the next and ordering me to skip straight to our normally highest tier of narcotics... and all in what - a little under thirty five or forty-five minutes?"

Ezra sighs, reaching out to pinch at the bridge of his eyes. Not that it does any good, his pressure points long ago stopped being even remotely effective. "It was about half that much time, probably Hera. But yes."

"Well then do me a favor okay - and at least try and explain...cause well I'm not questioning the fact you're clearly hurting - your scans are showing massive stress hormone levels at the moment and your blood pressure and heartrate are skyrocketed that's still a new personal record of medical 'bomb it until it dies' for Kanan. I'm just trying to understand what it is exactly that happened."

The door to Medbay hisses open again then, just as Hera finishes asking him the question, allowing the older Jedi who enter to both hear his lover's query as well as witness Ezra's carefully benign, dry toned reply. "We were just talking okay? And then Jarrus reached out with a hand and flicked me right on my forehead. Which is when he got to find out first hand from that moment of contact that I have a truly wicked migraine at the moment. He, in essence, felt just what I did psychically without any of my chance to build up a tolerance, and even with it this headache sucks." Ezra shrugs his shoulders, "At which point Hera, I just assume that he got literally empathetic."

"Kid what you have is not a migraine." Kanan interrupts him to calmly reply. "Those are painful and awful...but don't last all that long with proper treatment. They last hours or days - not weeks or months like you have right now kid. What you have at present, Ezra is a badly broken and by the looks of it likely *force willed* broken training link." Kanan holds up a small vial in his hand, then which he's produced from his left hip pocket, checking it's dosing instructions against the backdrop of the main light along with the vial or morphine which Hera then hands him as well, accepting her call out Ezra's weight from the bed scale at the foot of the cot with another nod of his head. "A link which, for the record, Ezra, feels like it's still literally newly severed judging by its sheer rawness even though you said earlier that the break's actually more than three months old. Which means that it's not healing the way that it should and isn't going to without help of this sort because your mind has spent every day since the break first occurred constantly picking at and otherwise irritating the trauma site."

"I haven't been going anywhere near it, Jarrus!" Ezra growls at him in instinctive emphatic reply, even as Hera rolls up his right sleeve and searches for a vein big enough to slide the small intravenous catheter in. The sound she makes in response to her first failed attempt is distinctly sympathetic, but it doesn't stop her from trying again. "Or at least, I haven't been doing anything on purpose. Kark Jarrus, do you think that I want to feel this awful?! I've shielded the area as best as I can ever since my master first died and numbed the pain with what I could get my hands on as best as I could. And that's all I've done. Finito. The end."

"I never claimed that it was happening on purpose, Ezra." Kanan's tone is gentle as he measures out the right amount of Amalyn into a bolus bag and connects it to the tubing, checking to make sure there's a slow consistent drip. "What I'm actually talking about is basically the equivalent of psychic phantom pain, okay? It's not something anyone deliberately makes happen, but it's something that high potentials like you may need help actually stopping. Particularly if they're recently endured unusually traumatic bond severings. Which I'm just going to assume you're was at the moment. It's not your fault...but it still happened. Which is why..." The older Jedi waggles the vial of golden colored drug in his right hand, "You're going to let this start infusing, over the next hour or so I'm betting, Ezra, and then you're also going to pass out with the help of this morphine." Kanan holds up the other syringe he's filled, in demonstration, "And spend a couple hours at least in pain free la-la land, while the Amalyn works on convincing your mind to calm the kriff down for a but. And you've slept, Ezra, and hopefully eaten something more significant then one egg, if the pain remains at more tolerable levels and you're willing to let me in through your shielding, then I'm also willing to help you try and mop up some of the residual damage and longer term damage you have via some guided Force Assisted Healing. Assuming that you're comfortable with me using the holocron as guide for both of us to try some joint meditation. If not, Ezra," Kanan grunts very softly obviously noting the younger man's tightly clenching fists and spreading his hand into a clearly supplicative position. "I can also just try and verbally walk you through a meditation you can try on your own as an alternative...Since I lost my own master as well quite a few years ago and so I do know and understand that it's probably not the easiest idea for your right now to let anyone else in your head at the moment."

"How …how long exactly will this Amalyn you're doing me with actually knock me out for? And does it have to be taken in conjunction with the Morphine in order for guys?" Ezra asks him uneasily, after a moment.

Hera blinks at that, looking over at her lover before shrugging. "I'm ... not really all sure on either, Ezra...Kanan's the expert on this particular drug not me, he's the only other one who's ever used it. Though are you actually implying that you don't want us to get you completely out of pain - at least temporarily - if we actually can?" The Twi'lek pilot unsurprisingly, clearly doesn't think that makes any sense.

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders, lets his face screw up uneasily before replying, "I... Look I'm just saying that I'm not all that sure that it's worth it for you guys to give me any additional drugs if the Amalyn is going to knock me out in just a couple of hours. I mean I can just grin and bear it if...if it actually works fairly quickly. Narcotics aren't always a great idea with me, I guess, is what I'm saying." "In what sense?" Ezra sighs, scratching at his nose, looking for the right words again. "Well, I haven't had narcotics all that often in my life, Hera but I do know from the few times I've had any opioids that they can make me kind of... loopy I guess... when I do take them. As in prone to mild hallucinations, nonsense babbling, and on some occasions I've actually wander off sleepwalking."

Hera frowns deeply at that particular burst of new information, "Were these meds that you were taking given to you by a clinic or pharmacy, Ezra? Or were they ones that you bought off the street? Because I'm not judging, not at the moment anyway, but if it was the later, then the issue may not have been your reaction to opioids...just the quality of the medication in question. Those kinds of reactions to Morphine do happen yes, but they are extremely rare, at least in my own personal experience."

"It was the later last time, Hera." Ezra reluctantly answers, "I dislocated my shoulder during a gig back when I was around twelve..no actually I'm pretty sure at the time I was still eleven, and thankfully I was able to get it back into place and slinged up with the help of a friend who owed me a favor, but I didn't exactly have the money on hand for things like clinic fees. I gave my friend what savings I had and they brought the drugs back to me. I can't say for certain what actually caused the reaction, just that it's not something I have any desire to ever repeat again."

"And you're absolutely sure, Ezra that the morphine in question made you *both* sleepwalk and hallucinate during the time you were taking?"

"Yeah, Or rather later for sure, Hera. I mean....because I'm assuming that I couldn't have possibly carried a baby loth-wolf up and into my tower during that period even if l had know where their dens are actually hidden. So one of those keeping me company until it's mom showed up had to be something seriously wrong in the grey matter if you know what I mean. And as for my sleepwalking?" Ezra just shrugs his shoulders, clearly helpless in how to better clarify his concerns at the moment, "All I remember there is that I fell asleep in my bed after taking another dose of the same medication a year or so down the line after I'd busted a couple of my ribs, and then I woke up halfway to town early, early the following morning, with my sling still in place but no boots on my feet - I found them back by my bed at the tower - and no memory of anything else that might have happened in between. Which is why," Ezra shrugs hi shoulder, chewing on his lower lip uncertainly, clearly debating, "If it can possibly be avoided, you, narcotics or other sorts of similarily mood-altering substances are probably a no go most of the time for me."

Hera looks prepared to nod her head at that assumption, but Kanan, as it turns out, is having exactly none of Ezra the argument. His brow raises instead with a combination of incredulous disbelief and something very close to fury. "Oh, of course they are, Mr 'I was so buzzed when we ran into each other at the market earlier this morning that I literally jumped like a scalded Loth-Cat and spilled my newest bottle of Brandy all over the floor.' Because taking intoxicants - even medical intoxicants when you're actually fully supervised - is bad for you under any circumstance, clearly."

Hera scowls at that newest bit of information, lifting her eyes to look at Ezra again even as she finishes futzing with the last bit of the IV tubing she's taping down to his arm. "Is that true, Ezra? When Kanan found you earlier this morning, you'd been actively drinking?"

The teenager says nothing in response, which is answer enough the rest of them in this situation. Hera reaches out and shakes him by the shoulders, though admittedly gently in both concerned and chiding reaction, "Ezra… you're only fourteen years old! That's way too karking young for you to just be..."

Ezra cuts her off though, glaring over his shoulder at Kanan before replying. "Drinking liquor's nothing like taking narcotics for me, Jarrus. It makes be slow and sleepy. But otherwise? Finito. That's it. I respond to booze and intoxicants entirely different.. I'm not saying any of this because I am trying to lie you guys all right? I'm just disclosing pertinent information to people who claim that they want to medically treat me. Letting them know of some potentially dangerous side effects that they need to watch out for if they want to give me morphine."

"Well then it's good that this time around the meds in question actually come from a reputable dispensary Ezra, and that there'll be plenty of people around to keep on an eye out if you try and go wandering off, isn't it?" Kanan shoots back calmly, "Because we both know how much pain you're in right now, Ezra. And this really is the most effective way that I know of how to effectively treat it. I assure you Kid, that any side effects that you might experience will still suck way less than the hangover you've got coming to you right now after three days of almost nonstop drinking, Ezra if we don't do this instead."

"Three days?!" Hera hisses out breathless. "As in you haven't been sober since the day that we first dropped you off?! Ezra...!"

He cuts her off yet again, "It's not a habit okay? I've just been ...well triaging this ongoing headache the past few days, basically. Alcohol is a lot more accessible for me than other kinds of prescription medications. I don;t have you current actual access to stuff like actual morphine. Kark, the truth of the matter is that I don't even like alcohol, all right - it tastes kriffin awful and leaves my stomach sour and gurky! But after two or three days of ongoing insomnia Hera when the walls are threatening to melt from sleep deprivation then I've got to at least try and do something. "

"Well, we're about to give you will definitely knock you out better than alcohol would, Ezra- which it looks like you need more than almost anything else truthfully. How much have you actually managed to sleep past few days with the help of the alcohol? Six hours a night? Four? Less even than that?"

"Somewhere closer to two or three hours a night, all right - plus I've been taking mini naps during the day whenever this headache actually lets me."

"Nine hours in three or more days, Ezra?!" Hera looks absolutely horrified. " And this has been going on for how long exactly...?"

"Four or five weeks, maybe up to six."

Little Gods how are you even vaguely functional at present?" Hera crosses her arms over the top of her chest, "Look, Ezra the morphine we can give you safely here on board will do far more for you right now than alcohol can, and it'll do so without further damaging your liver in the process. So if we're finally done with this ridiculous argument at least until you've had eight hours sleep…" She crosses her arms and glares at him stubbornly, wearing the all to familiar look of a woman used to being obeyed, both in life and just in general. And honestly, Ezra's just too tired for any more of this.

So he sighs deeply, "Fine." And then he holds back out his arm in order to let the pilot finish attaching the bag of fluids to the IV tubing. "But don't say that I didn't warn you, Hera if I start talking about flying loth-wolves or loth-cats within the next couple of hours, or if I suddenly decide to go on a random walkabout trip."

To be fair, Ezra admits - at least to himself, that's actually the last thing he's actually worried about right now. But he's pretty sure he's tired enough at the moment to hold his tongue and stay in his bed until he finally falls passes out.

He crosses his fingers blessing the notion silently with a thousand prayers even as he thinks it. 

Twenty minutes later, Ezra is in fact asleep on the narrow Medbay cot. Or so near to it anyway that he's no longer functionally coherent, his face soft and slack with genuine pain relief for the first time in days even as Hera tucks yet another blanket around his too thin body without a word and then motions for Kanan to follow her out into hallway, then down to the galley after that, leaving Ezra behind in the meantime under the supervision of a watchful, if clearly brooding Sabine.

"So...?" She murmurs quietly, reaching up into the cupboard in the galley in order to pull out the makings of a snack.

"So...?" Kanan responds.

"What exactly happened out there this morning, Kanan?"

"He was a pain in my ass?" Kanan answers back to the inquiry, very, very dryly.

Hera's look is less than impressed with that particular summary. "Seriously, Kanan, spill it. Details. Talk to me here."

"I'm deadly serious, Hera." Kanan leans back against the nearest wall then, exhaling out a massive sigh. "Not only was Ezra still tipsy when I found him out there this morning, he also made it his personal mission in life to piss me off as much as humanly possible, Hera. For no justifiable reason that I can currently see. I told him that you wanted him to come and join us for dinner on board The host? He immediately blew me off. I offered to take him out for breakfast instead? He refused that offer too. All while simultaneously packing back away a literal pittance of food supplies that I just have to assume at the moment were his current weekly rations after he'd spent most of the money had from pick-pocketing to but a kriffing bottle of Brandy instead! I ignored his refusal and dragged him into a cafe with me, anyway, hoping to maybe sober him up and then have a semi-reasonable conversation with him afterward. And once we were there, Hera, the kid ordered one egg, completely plain, dry toast, and I kid you not, here, Hera - an entire pot of hot caff! Which he then all but literally inhaled while simultaneously complaining that his stomach has been screwed up for days now. I was seriously tempted to give him a pain in the ass all of his own, Hera, barely halfway through the ongoing conversation."

Hera snorts softly at that admission, "And then what, Kanan - he finally sobered up and decided to tell you about what happened to his master?"

Kanan snorts right back, "Not willingly. No, Hera. My picking up on the link break at all was a total kriffing accident. He wasn't kidding about me flicking him on the forehead earlier - I don;t even know why I did it, I mean we barely even knew each other. I was just so irritated and the time though, I guess it was just basically instinctive. Either way the backwash that I got off of that second or two of contact was enough that we both..." The older Jedi shakes his head, wincing. "Let's just say that his head's not exactly pretty at the moment. He was in so much pain just from a mall tape that he all but lost his kriffing breakfast. I'm honestly still trying to figure out how he was even cognizant when I ran into him this morning when I did. Much less how he spent as much time as he did with us on the Ghost and still managed to stay completely off of my radar with that bad a bond break for as long as he did."

Hera frowns slightly at this bit of news, "Then you're absolutely sure that you're right right now about both the severity of his psychic damage and how much he's apparently been drinking since we first dropped him off a couple days ago."

"Unfortunately yes, Hera. Kriff - he didn't even bother to deny the latter fact. He honestly seems to think that's it's nobody's business. To be fair, Hera, I get the very distinct feeling that for quite a while now Ezra's life has essentially been his own try and manage. That acknowledged, the kid is clearly spiraling at the moment, and fast. Worst of all, the booze isn't even really causing the crash so much as it's just speeding things along. Though honestly…" Kanan's words trail off abruptly then, his lips twisting into a confused little frown.

"Honestly what?" Hera presses him softly.

Kanan sighs, shrugging, "You know, I almost feel as if we also have a little bit of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde going on somewhere in the whole situation as well. Because there was the Ezra that we all saw on board the Ghost during our previous mission, Hera, and then there's...well...*this kid.* And I'm having real trouble right now, reconciling the two of them as the same actual person."

Hera nods a little in response to that, "I'll say this much, Kanan, the old Ezra certainly didn't act this automatically combative while he was on board The Ghost the first time. He was mostly just really watchful and quiet. Seemed kind of sad and withdrawn initially, but I didn't really try to push him too hard to figure out what actually made him tick. Now I kind of wish that I had, though. Because seriously, Kanan - what in the Kriff is really going on here? Does any of this change make any sense?"

Kanan sighs a little shrugging. "You ask me as if I somehow know, Hera. Like I already said, I kind of feel as if we had Dr Jekyll with us on The Ghost during the entirety of our first job together, and now suddenly we're stuck with Mr Hyde instead, and I have no kriffing idea at all what in the Force so violently flipped that kid's karking switch. I mean yeah, I guess that this kind of massive reversal on his part would have actually made some kind of sense if Ezra was trying to get himself hired on as crew and he didn't get the offer he wanted. But Sith Hells, Hera, he didn't even give you a chance before he took off to even try and make that kind of suggestion. Nor did he try and scavenge any of the food packs out of the galley even after barely eating with the rest of at meal times while we were on mission! Granted now that I know about the bond break at least his ongoing lack of appetite makes partial sense. I mean after all, Ezra seemed a little antisocial at first when he came aboard, yeah... He didn't actively try and engage with us much at all may- well except when he was busy aggravating Zeb ..."

"But he was still a good kid for the most part, Kanan, if you actually managed to get him to open up even a little bit, I mean." Hera interjects..

"Yes. Or that's what you and Sabine have both claimed anyway. Remember, you're the ones who actually managed to spend the most time with him thus far. Though not for any lack of trying on my own part. Because I tell you Hera, I all but literally dangled my light-saber in the kid's face before he left the ship his last day aboard. He clearly knew both who and what I actually am…but even now he...he just ..."

"He just doesn't seem to care, Kanan. Doesn't want to trust or even like anyone." Hera fills in the thought for her lover. "Or at least he's doing a very very good job of pretending that he doesn't at the moment."

"Yes." Kanan agrees after another moment, his brow deeply furrowed, "Which makes no sense at all, Hera. I mean he just lost his master recently...he admitted that much himself. And we know from talking to people at the Cantina that no one knows what became of his folks in terms of how long they've been gone now. You'd think under the circumstances that Ezra'd be practically jumping at the chance of meeting someone else from The Temple at this point. Or kriff, even just another force sensitive. He certainly had no trouble at all making friends with those Wookies we rescued even though he didn't even speak their language initially. But as far as the rest of us are concerned, Hera, I seriously get the feeling that Ezra'd be genuinely happier right now if all of us in Specter Crew just pretended that he never even existed. "

Hera shrugs her shoulders in helpless reply. "Well, He's clearly got his own code and personal history at work at the moment, Kanan, and it's been a crazy couple of days, you have to admit that much at least. Who knows what his relationship with his master was really like before the other man died? And it's not as if he really knows any of us from Adam yet, now does he? Not to even mention what happened with him and Zeb initially. Either that or...I don't know, Kanan, maybe Ezra's just not as committed to the Jedi's path as you were at around the same age because of how much he's already lost or because he's had so much less exposure to it?"

"I guess that it's possible. But Hera, if that's really the case then there should have been no reason in kriff for Ezra to choose to speak up like he actually did when he told us what he'd learned about where they were actually taking the Wookies. It wasn't even his mission up until that point, but no matter what else I can gather from the past week or so, I do know this much at least for sure... Helping them absolutely mattered to Ezra, Hera. He read as extremely protective of the kid in particular. Almost as if Kittwar was...I don't know, family? An echo of Ezra himself? Something like that."

Hera frowns, "Kanan…What if anything did Ezra actually say about his parents in your presence? Or anyone else that he's been living with for that matter? His master?"

"Not a voluntary word, Hera. As I've already said Hera. How about you?"

"Nothing, Kanan. Every time I even tried to broach the topic of where he actually came from or who his family might be he instantly backed off and then changed the subject as fast as he could possibly manage."

"So he definitely didn't cop to ever suffering from any kind of abuse or abandonment then - at least not willingly anyway?"

"Kanan, he didn't cop to anything, period. The kid had one of the most stubborn cases of lockjaw about his past that I've ever heard of or seen. Kriff, he didn't even voluntarily give us his last name at first, remember?" Hera sighs then, rubbing at the base of first one and then the other of her lek. A clear sign, Kanan knows, of building tension headache. "He's worked really hard - too hard, almost Kanan - at staying just underneath everyone's proverbial radar. He say's that he's not a Jedi anymore but I seriously have to wonder right now what that term even actually means for him…"

"Oh he's still Jedi, Hera." Kanan gruffs out, "If we're going with the whole 'walks like a duck, talks like a duck...' definition of the term anyway."

"Stealing and the drinking are not exactly all that Jedi-like behavior, Love." Hera points out to Kanan then softly.

Kanan's look is distinctly wry - something close to amused when he replies. "Hera what exactly do you think that *we* technically do most of the time for a living?"

"True…" Hera allows after a moment, "And alcohol is hardly a stranger in most cultures to mourning…though kriff, Kanan, but he's way too young for his apparent level of drinking."

The older man shrugs, "I don't think he's particularly inclined to agree with you, Hera. Still basically, to sum things up again: we know that Ezra's still at least as much Jedi right now as he isn't behavior wise, but whether because of the broken link or some other connected trauma we don't really know about yet, he's in the middle of hitting his personal bottom at the moment and - lucky me - giving me personally endless amounts of both sarcasm and grief literally all the way down. Well when he's also not, you know, messing with Imperials, rescuing us from ISF traps or sharing vital mission intelligence with us even after he's been abandoned,. As I just said, Hera, there is a distinct Jekyll and Hyde theme playing in the background right now whenever this kid is involved, and for the record, I really, really don't like it."

Hera looks thoughtful then, "Do you think he's picking new allegiances maybe, right now Kanan? Testing his old vs his new life philosophies or something like that?"

"Not quite. Though you're closer there than anywhere we've gotten so far, Hera. It more like he's..." Kanan frowns, "Hera, I think that he's already got conflicting priorities at work in his head at the moment, and the war that they're all locked in is literally scorching the earth to ash in that poor kid's head even as we speak."

"So then what do you think we should do about all of this, Love?" Hera rubs at the back of her neck, her face deeply troubled. "Because forgive me Kanan, if I'm not feeling particularly thrilled about the idea of just letting him back out into the big bad world all on his own again. Especially when he's acting like an oncoming one-man speeder wreck. It's only a matter of time before someone local or otherwise comes after him again, Kanan, and the both of us know it."

"For now, Hera?" Kanan just shrugs, "I say we should keep him mostly doped off of his rocks for the next twelve to seventy-two hours, feed him up whenever he wakes and then see if we end up with Hyde or Jekyl when we attempt to restart an actual conversation with him again in another day or so. We may very well find out that we'll get the old Ezra back after the psychic damage is treated properly. There's at least a small chance that'll happen."

"And if the attitude's not just his headache and the alcohol, Kanan?" Hera queries softly. "What the kriff do you think that we should do if this snarkier, more self-destructive version of Ezra is, in fact, the real kid who now knows who and what all of us actually are?"

"Then I want to know how and why exactly we got stuck with the other version of him during our first trip out on The Ghost, Hera. Because there's no way in karking hell if that's really the case, that such a different guise wasn't very, very deliberate." Kanan snorts softly even as he pours himself a mug of blue milk and drinks it down in four quick swallows. "Seriously Hera... at this point, literally nothing about this kid isn't reading as somehow completely out of synch to me." He puts down the mug on the table with a low thunk. "I swear to Force, Hera every time I even look at the kid right now, unless he's already asleep Ezra literally makes my brain start to itch."

Hera snorts in reply to that. "Yeah, and I can't imagine why that possibly is, Kanan Jarrus." Kanan scowls at her a little then. Hera merely snorts again. "Since clearly, the two of you have nothing in common. Not. a. single. karking. thing."

"I was never that bad after Depa died." Kanan mutters more than a little bit defensively in reaction.

Hera actually sputters in reply to that comment. "Yes, Love, I'm sure that the people who helped you in the wake of Order 66 would say the same thing if you asked them."

And kriff it, now Kanan's starting to wonder if he actually owes Janus Kasmir a case of whiskey or something.

But then he sobers. "I'm serious, Hera. I was never that bad off, at least not really anyway Or more precisely, I was never really in this kind of danger myself in terms of the roads that I had available to choose from. Because if Hyde's actually the real Ezra, then the kid's's probably going to be dead in a little under a year or so. And no Hera, - I'm not exaggerating for drama when I say it. It's just a matter of time, really, and whether he dies from some kind of chemical overdose or if hen ends up lipping off to the worst possible person instead when he's either too tired or too disinterested in his own survival to adequately defend himself afterward. He'll suicide by Underworld basically, if I don't miss my guess.

The twi'lek pilot makes a pained little sound at that particular prediction, "And if he's actually more Dr Jekyll instead of Hyde, Kanan?"

"And he's left all on his own? Then he'll eventually end up suiciding 'by cause,' Hera. Even if he does sober up first and pull his head out of his rear for at least a little while. Maybe he won't go out as soon or as stupidly as he would have in the first case...but he'll go out there again like he did with us trying to play the hero for someone and I'll bet you almost anything that he'll find a noble fight to burn himself out on just as soon as he possibly can."

"Sacrifice for what you believe in can be genuinely noble, you know that, Kanan." Hera points out to him then, very, very softly.

Kanan shoots her an unimpressed look in reply to that, "Not when you're not even an adult yet, Hera. " He informs her bluntly, "And not when you're less focused on advancing your supposed 'ethical agenda' than you are on just stopping the pain that you associate with just being alive. Don't ever over glamorize the reality of being either a martyr or a zealot, Hera. Not for Ezra, not for kriffing anyone. Not when you know just as well as I do at how many of the actual people involved in those kind of situations are actually just hopeless, radicalized young adults or even worse yet, depressed or otherwise manipulated children."

Hera closes her eyes tightly in response, her face deeply pained as she nods. Then she opens them up again. "You really think things are that bad where Ezra's concerned right now?" She asks him straight out, "That he's really going to come down to something like that without interferance?"

Kanan shrugs, "I think that I probably need more information Hera, before any of us can safely assume anything short of the fact that Ezra's clearly a risk to all of our securities at the moment. That admitted, Hera, we're in serious denial about his current mental state if we really think that he's concerned enough about his own, much less anyone else's safety at the moment."

Hera winces. "He's eventually going to be tracked back here to Capital city by the ISF isn't he?"

"I all but guarantee it, yes, Hera. There were camera's everywhere on planet during the course of our escape."

"And will Ezra be able to avoid the ISF, Kanan if they try and hunt him here on his home planet?"

"Indefinitely? Probably not, Hera." Kanan shrugs "Yes, this is his home territory - so he has that particular home court advantage initially. But there's also the question of whether or not, when The Empire finally tracks him back to Lothol, they'll just put a hefty bounty out for his head or do something more aggressive then that like start twisting the arms of various people in the city's underbelly trying to find him. Either scenario, if it happens, will almost inevitably permanently change Ezra's relationship with his existent community."

"And do you think he actually realizes that much just yet?"

"Possibly." Kanan shrugs, "I wouldn't put anything past him right now. He could know, Hera or he could not know. He could know and not really know that he knows. Kriff- he could even know and be counting on it, depending on what kind of future he's actually courting for himself at the moment. Ever hear of Suicide by Stormtrooper, Hera? It'd certainly fit his modus operandus right now, after how other Bucket-heads were the ones who took away his only blood family. And Sith Spit..." Kanan curses softly rubbing the back of his own neck. "This who siltuation just keeps getting more and more complicated and potentially tragic the longer and longer that I let myself stop and actually think about it."

Hera tilts her head a little to one side, studying him quietly. Then her lips quirk up, acknowledging. "This kid has really gotten under your skin, hasn't he, Kanan?"

Kanan just makes a helpless little shrug, "What can I say, Hera. It makes no sense at all, but yeah. Because ever since Ezra first pulled away from my touch after we rescued those Wookies together and then literally fled off of the ship the moment that you landed like it was *on karking fire,* Hera, my instincts have been all but screaming at me constantly to go out there after him.

"And what is the Force saying about Ezra at the moment, Kanan?" she asks him, very, very quietly.

"The Force says that that kid is 'mine,' Hera." Kanan responds very bluntly. "And that I should go out there and haul his ass home again. Which is both ridiculous and stupid. Because after all he's far, far too old to be mine biologically, even if I had had a kid at some point that I didn't know about before now. Which leaves me with the more metaphorical application of the term 'mine' from a Jedi's perspective on things..." Kanan gives her a wry look. "Which is even more insane frankly speaking, then assuming that there's an actual biological connection between the two of us somehow. Because even if I were qualified enough at this point in our lives to take on an actual Padawan - which I'm most definitely not- the last thing on Lothal that that kid wants right now in specific is anything at all to do with me."

Hera raises an eyebrow in reply that, crossing her arms in front of her and quirking her lips slightly as she regards her lover. "Are you really so sure about that, Kanan Jarrus?"

He blinks at her a long moment. "Yeah, I am, Hera. At least reasonably so, anyway. Ezra hasn't exactly been subtle about it, Hera. Like, at all. HE acts like he hates me."

"Yeah well you might want to rethink that particular assumption there, Dearest. Because the last time I checked, Kan, the opposite of 'want' isn't 'hate' - it's apathy. It certainly isn't mountains worth of sarcastic dialogue or other sorts of juvenile attention seeking behavior like the kind he's shoveling at you almost desperately."

Hera lips quirk up a little as she watches Kanan's eyebrows pull closer together in reaction to that observation, considering this new viewpoint. "Look at it this way, Love, whether he's Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde or some mix of both at present, Ezra is pretty much failing in any of his incarnations to not care when you're anywhere within his orbit. You're literally the only thing that he really seems to look at right now Kanan, whenever you're in the room. Don't get so bamboozled by his puppet show right now Love, that you forget that he's the one who's currently tied up with all the kriffing strings."

Hera pokes his chest with her fingertip then. "Or to put this another way entirely, Kanan Jarrus: when it's you, Ezra and the Force all making your opinions known about the same subject, then who's the one that the smart Jedi should be listening to first? Because I'm pretty kriffing sure, Kanan, that it's actually not 'Mr Terminally Snarky and fourteen who may or may not have a serious drinking problem at the moment.'"

"Karabast." Kanan mutters then, closing his eyes, looking just short of outright abashed. "Look - go ahead and come get me in another three hours when Ezra needs another round of redosing, Hera. Until then, I think that I'm gonna be in my room for awhile. Because quite clearly I need to go and spend some more time meditating."


	3. Interlude (Updated)

When Ezra wakes up next, his head hurts much, much less. Though it is, he's sad to realize, really no less muzzy and generally useless than it had been, at least for the time being anyway.

He reminds himself that not all improvements in life come about instantly. He needs to be patient.

At least for now, he admits, the broken psi-link in his head is only intermittently throbbing. And if he lays there with his eyes closed and stretches out with the Force, just the tiniest bit, then Ezra can actually feel Kanan' s latent psychic presence at this distance. Oh, Ezra still can't actually touch the older man's mind directly, mind you. He's certainly not stupid enough to try risking anything like that right now, but he can, for lack of a better description, feel his former master's normal psychic exhalations for now. And the regular pattern of that subtle flow of energy is almost indescribably relieving.

Kanan Jarrus is alive. His Master is now once again within a sort of sight. Even if Ezra is also deliberately keeping the older man out of any sort of physical reach for now. He figures that with some time, he'll even get used to - may even learn to like- living in the same world as Kanan Jarrus at a distance...

"Welcome back Kid. We've been waiting on you. Y' hungry?" A gruff male voice on one side of his bed makes Ezra startle so badly that he nearly hits his head on the overhead light. He turns his head slowly then and finds one Garazeb Orrelios sitting beside him in a chair, peeling several yogan out of their thick skins very carefully. The Lasat's face lacks any of its previous irritation. There is no anger, no sarcasm, no lingering malice. There is just, Force Damn him to hell, a gentle and knowing kind of sympathy.

"Kill me." Ezra mutters under his breath after another moment or so. "Like seriously. Just... kill me." Because, yes, Zeb is occasionally hot-tempered, and Ezra knows better than almost anyone else in the karking galaxy where his particular buttons are located. But he also knows that there is literally no bottom to Zeb's potential pool of empathy when the older male Lasat is faced by real suffering. And if his former roommate has recently discovered from Sabine and Hera that that 'annoying bratty kid' who's been yanking his fur repeatedly ever since he first came aboard The Ghost is actually just a former Jedi Padawan who has very recently lost his own entire family, well then Garazeb Orellios, who already feels guilty about what happened back on the Star Destroyer, is going to make "becoming Ezra's close friend and confidant" his personal honor-bound duty. Forever.

So kill Ezra right now. Seriously. Just karking kill him.

"As far as reactions to food offers go, Bridger." Sabine speaks from somewhere behind him, "That request seems a tad bit extreme to me. I mean, Zeb got the fruit out of your own karking satchel, Ezra. So we just assumed that you'd like them."

Ezra groans very softly and then rubs at his his eyes with one of his hands, "How long exactly have I been asleep now?"

"Almost nine hours." Sabine informs him even as she comes over and injects something from a pre-measured syringe into the port of Ezra's IV bag yet again without even a single moment of pause or other explanation.

"Hey!" He protests loudly at the sight, "What in the Force are you doing?!"

"The standard protocol for Amalyn treatment for injuries like yours Ezra, is one dose via drip IV every four hours for an absolute minimum of forty-two doses." Sabine informs him, calmly. "That was dose number three. Which means - judging by how fast it hit you last time anyway -that you currently have," She checks her chronometer "…approximately 5-10 more minutes before you start feeling the callback into the Land of Nod again. So if you want more than a couple of Yogan to eat, Ezra - or for Zeb to take you to the bathroom as well - then you better speak up fast instead of just lying there and whining."

"Where are Kanan and Hera?" He asks after another moment or so. He hadn't expected to wake up like this and find them both gone. It's unsettling really, for reasons that Ezra can't really explain outside of the instinctive knowledge that this can not and will not be a 'good thing.'

"They went out to the market Ezra, in order to trade for more morphine in case you end up needing it. And then they went over to your tower to see if they could break in through your current security measures..." Sabine informs yet him again.

"They what?!"

The Mandalorian just shrugs in response to his incredulity, "To be fair, Ezra Hera just wanted to get you some clean clothes - assuming that you have any more available, anyway. And you weren't exactly waking up to provide access codes that could help with that at the time that they were leaving."

This is ridiculous - Ezra's current clothing is fine, it's not even that dirty right now.

They...they're going out to his tower, kark it. How good are they really, at breaking into places without Sabine or him there to assist at this particular point in their lives? Ezra doesn't really remember. And now that he's thinking about it even more, what exactly has he left lying out at home that might cause problems if they do manage to get inside his place? Some empty liquor bottles most certainly. Kriff. He'll be hearing about that later from Hera, that's for sure. His datapad - which is locked thank Force, because Ezra's been taking notes to make sure he that doesn't forget anything vital. He's been compiling a collection of cliff notes for the future ever since he first woke up in this time stream basically.

"Is this a kidnapping?" Ezra mutters after another moment, "Because I have to say that this is really starting to feel a lot like a kidnapping."

"S'not that bad of an idea, Kid.." Zeb observes, than looks over at Sabine with a wry quirked up smile. "We should really point that option out to Hera when she gets back on ship later. I mean he's at least fairly floppy right now and generally compliant and all that. It'd likely go off a whole lot less messy."

"Yeah but he's so drugged right now…" Sabine shrugs, "I kind of prefer my youth abductions to be at least a little bit challenging."

"I hate you both." Ezra informs her then. His words are already starting to slur under the effects of all the medication. Like kriff he has ten more minutes right now. He'll be lucky if he even has seven. Thank goodness he's been too dehydrated lately to really need a bathroom just yet. "I have in fact actually hated both of you since the day that we first met."

"That might be more impressive of a statement, Kid if you'd known either of us for longer that slightly over a week now." Zeb informs him very, very dryly.

"You are both horrible people," He mutters darkly, reaching out to snatch a piece of yogun, and shoving it into his mouth and chewing, then doing the same to the chunk of instant meal bar that Zeb breaks off in small pieces and presses to his mouth one by one. The Lasat's long fingers carefully brushing off the crumbs that get stuck on Ezra's cheeks almost tenderly. Sabine meanwhile brings a cup with a straw over, bending the later down to his lips.

"Don't worry about it Bridger," She informs him dryly, "We're professionals, remember? Which means we're good enough at our jobs that if we'd really set out to kidnap you, Ezra, you'd've been off-planet long before you ever knew that was our actual intention."

Ezra reply to that is a string of garbled if clearly foul Mandalorian curse words. Zeb only chuckles, whistling softly under his breath. Then he leans forward a little bit winking conspiratorially at the younger man even as he whispers. "Tip for you Bridger, don't ever let Hera hear that kind of talk coming out of your mouth when they get back on the ship, if you know what's good for you. Or you're going to end up with a mouth full of soap for your troubles."

Ezra gives him the finger in reply as he takes his final bite of meal bar, his eyelids already heavily drooping.

"When I wake up again," he mumbles, "I am so knocking out whichever one of you is on guard at the time and busting myself out of this karking ship. And after that, I am probably fleeing the kriffing city."

"Mmmhm. Duly noted, Bridger. I'll be sure pass on that information to Kanan for you." Sabine informs him with a dark grin, "I'm sure that he has restraints around here somewhere." She tells him faux sweetly. "We wouldn't want you to fall out of bed, after all, not until after we've properly 'stalked' and killed you, I mean."

Ezra lifts his middle finger toward the universe in general in reply to that, hearing the guffaw of Zeb's responding laughter, and that's honestly the last thing he really remembers before lights go out again.


	4. Patience

'So how'd it go, you guys?" Kanan asks, heading for the Medbay the minute that he and Hera re-enter the ship, the frowning twi'lek pilot nodding to him silently for a moment or so before heading toward the fresher upstairs with what little they'd been able to find for Ezra of usable clothing. He knows that she's going now to put a load of much needed laundry in.

"Well, he woke up and we fed, watered and dosed him about three and a quarter hours ago now, Kanan." Sabine informs him calmly. "Ezra's vitals have been steadily improving ever since he came on ship. His heart rate's much steadier than it was and his blood pressure's stable instead of constantly falling and spiking. I held off on pushing him to take any more narcotics since he didn't request any though. I figured I'd let you make the call on whether or not to fight him on the subject since you can sense him pain levels more accurately than I can right now, Kanan, and because you mentioned during his last round of dosing that this is the point at which the Amalyn should really be starting to decrease his more serious psychic symptoms."

Kanan nods at that, to show both his approval and understanding, though he also keeps right on walking, "Has he talked much in his sleep or mentioned anything noteworthy while he was awake since he came back on ship?"

"Other than threatening to knock us out next time that he woke up so he could take off? Which was a joke –" Sabine hastens to add in response to Kanan's raised eyebrow, "We were all making some pretty lowbrow quips about kidnapping when hegained consciousness last time, Kanan. I don't think he was serious, just cracking bad jokes basically." She shrugs he shoulders, "Otherwise - he babbled quite a bit at one point in what I'm guessing is either Lothalian or his native first language equivalent. Our names were all involved a couple of times, but I can't even begin to tell you in what context. He just seemed a little agitated - not really angry or upset." Sabine frowns softly. "Otherwise you're just plain out of luck in terms of useful information. The meds had him far too deeply under for Zeb or me to do anything but watch him sleep and change his IV bag when needed. So you and Hera both really think that this Kid was formerly somebody's Padawan, then?"

"It's about a 99 percent certainty, at this point, yes, Sabine."

"Huh. Small world." She rubs at her nose tiredly, "Of all the robberies that he could have forced his way into in the entire kriffing galaxy he had to bust into ours. It's almost funny. Lucky us. And he seemed like such a good kid too, at first. Well at least initially. "

"He 'seemed' like a good kid." Kanan glances down and then to the side, raising an inquisitive eyebrow toward the teenageras he stresses the second word's sudden switch over to past tense. "Is that you officially changing your opinion about Ezra's suitability for life aboard the Ghost? Because I thought that you were still on Hera's side concerning most of this, Sabine."

"Oh I still am, Kanan. At least generally speaking, anyway. It's just that...well... look, I understand that he's not exactly happy to be here at the moment. But he also clearly has some kind of ongoing drinking problem. Not to mention that I also can't help but notice how whenever he wakes up right now," She shakes her head, "he's displaying a very clear shift in his basic personality." She whistles softly through her teeth, rolling her eyes heavenward and then shaking her head just a little bemused. "And not necessarily for the better either. Ezra seemed awkward as kriff before, as well as reclusive, though looking back at it now maybe the better word would have been 'shy.' Now though, he's become deliberately abrasive and, uhm, rather pointedly earthy whenever you actually get him talking? Is that the best way for me to put it you think? Or is it better for me to just call him as salty as kriff?"

Kanan snorts aloud, rolling his own eyes before replying. So then it's not just him who's being blessed with that particular side of Ezra Bridger's personality any longer. That actually makes him feel better vaguely, because it indicates it's not tied to Kanan's Jedi persona entirely, which would have been far more complicated for them to deal with, if also more fundamentally revealing. "Wait - let me guess, did he resort to scathing sarcasm every time he spoke, whip out his gift for persistent verbal baiting or did he just jump straight to demonstrating that 'Yes I'm a loth-rath and I can swear like one too' on literally every other breath?"

Sabine chuckles, "Bits and pieces of all three, actually, if I'm honest about it can, Kanan. He literally accused me and Zeb - mostly sarcastically, I think - of literally kidnapping him." She shoots the older Jedi a sideways look, "Speaking of the subject, Kanan, while we're having that particular discussion ..."

Kanan sighs very deeply. He and Hera have already had at least three variations of this conversation within the last twelve hours or so– the most recent of those times being on their way home from the Ezra's tower. It had been a long and mostly grump inducing ride. "No Sabine, we are not, no matter how much you and Hera both seem to like the idea right now, just abducting the kid off of his home planet. That is known as 'bad manners. Also technically, Sabine, it would *be* known as actual kidnapping.'"

Sabine snorts softly, "It would be known as 'whole group survivability,' at least at the moment, Kanan. Which no one ever promised would look particularly pretty. Look, you're the one who said that for it to truly get the job done this Amalyn that Ezra's taking right not is going to take some time, correct? And that even after the psychic damage's he's suffered is treated, he's still going to need ongoing help in terms of repairing his shielding."

"Yes. And, Sabine?" Kanan is already regretting asking the deliberately heavily loaded question.

Sabine just shrugs her shoulders again, completely unapologetically. "And if he needs the treatment right now in order to get better Kanan, than he needs the treatment. And we're go to make sure that he's getting it, just like you promised him that he would. It's not our fault if during the course of said treatment we have to take a couple of jobs on the side off of the planet in order to pay the bills. It's not like we won't get around to coming back to Lothol again, Kanan. Eventually."

Kanan stops then and folds his arms across his chest, looking down at the Mandalorian teenager very sternly, "That ethical swamp you just waded into there is full of some mighty big near-crocs, Sabine. That kind of tactic on our part would probably burn any all bridges of trust between us and Ezra that actually exist."

Sabine just shrugs again, "He'd get over it eventually. Seriously. Is doing that any more unethical than any of the other alternatives available to us at present? I mean the kid is what - thirteen, fourteen years old tops? He may well be even younger than that - given the limited information. And not only that, but he's also recently traumatically lost his only family - who was notably also a Jedi: whether Ezra actually considers himself to be one or not anymore is essentially irrelevant. Or it should be in this case. He's still a force sensitive kid with severe psychic damage, and no other support system to help him heal, or run or hide if ISF shows up and we wash our hands of him. Which, come on let's be honest here, none of us were ever going to be comfortable doing. Not after the way that Ezra interceded to save those Wookies like he did even after everything that happened. "He acted like a specter so now he is one, even if he doesn't fully get that yet."

"Sabine…" Kanan sighs deeply, trying to think of a way to explain to the Mandalorian that she's basically preaching to the choir. Sabine isn't done speaking quite yet though. She crosses her arms and just looks at him for a couple of seconds before she finishes her statement.

"You've said it yourself now repeatedly, Kanan: the kid is clearly spiraling, and spiraling fast. Between his psychic injuries and his drinking problem, Ezra's clearly not a glowing example of either mental or emotional competence at the moment. Not to mention that I've never in all my karking life seen someone so primed to bolt for moronic reasons. What Ezra claims to want or need from anyone is hardly reliable - much less in any of our mutual better interests."

Kanan is actually very inclined to agree with Sabine at the moment. Not that he's going to admit as much outright. He's still too busy mentally processing what little they'd found out about the fourteen year old boy while he and Hera were out visiting Ezra's tower : methodically adding a slough of new data into the working model of Ezra Bridger that's coming together in his head.

And frankly speaking Kanan Jarrus is both confused and more then a little bit angry about what they'd learned from their trip out to his abandoned ramshackle home. Where Kanan'd been absolutely horrified to discover that - as far as he and Hera can tell from inventorying the place - Ezra's previous role as another Jedi's Padawan had done *absolutely nothing* to lessen the kid's ongoing childhood struggle with both constant poverty and ongoing neglect.

They'd found nothing in Ezra's home to indicate that it had ever been inhabited by anyone other than Ezra himself. There had been no books, few if any toys, no educational materials that weren't obvious and badly maintained or out of date cast-offs. There had been no signs whatsoever of provision being granted in terms of food, or healthcare or even basic weather appropriate clothing.

Force, there hadn't even been any personal mementos present of Ezra and his former master or Ezra and his parents that they'd been able to locate. His extra clothes were clearly thread bare or over sized for him at the moment...basically scavenged.

There had just been nothing. Absolutely, literally, *nothing* in the entirety of Ezra's tower that indicated that Ezra's life in the past several years had ever consisted of anything but frequent bouts of hunger and unrelenting isolation. Well, except for whatever occasional spats of hours his former master must have occasionally granted the teenager in order to provide him with the necessary one on one instruction that would have been required in order to teach Ezra all the Force skills he clearly had at present. 

Otherwise, though, the kid had clearly been left completely and utterly alone to maintain his own survival. And Ezra had done exactly that...dangled onto life for years, probably by the very edge of his fingertips. 

That truth - unavoidable as it was unpleasant, had been a distinctly bitter pill for Kanan to swallow - both in terms of the reality of Ezra's past life and all the resulting implications. And Kanan? Well Kanan Jarrus is starting to think profoundly less than well of the Kid's previous mentor at present. Because yes, Kanan knows, there is the necessary teaching of the philosophy of non-attachment to every Jedi student as a part of their ongoing training. But there is also actual over-the-top 'non-attachment' as used by a sociopathic asshole who Kanan doesn't even *have a name for* at present, as a supposed justification for deliberate and clearly ongoing child exploitation and neglect.

And all this had been done to a badly traumatized orphan with whom the Jedi in question had shared, judging by the intensity of the fallout, what Kanan can only assume must have been a Force-willed training link.

Knowing that, Kanan honestly kind of wishes at the moment that said master were still alive and just somewhere planet...somewhere from which he could return, just so that Kanan could have the pleasure of beating him senseless. Because kriff, but with all this new information as actual background, Kanan is finally starting to actually understand both how and why Ezra Bridger probably ticks. Not to even mention what may in fact, be driving the kid and his ongoing split personality at present.

Kanan *understands* now, in a way he simply hadn't before, why for a couple of days the teenager who'd first come aboard the Ghost might have seemed to be one kind of person, only to rapidly morph back into someone else completely different once he had finally been forced to return to his much harder day to day real life on planet.

It's also strange -and more than a little bit bittersweet for Kanan if he's honest to realize that whether Ezra had once been a former Padawan to a full-fledged Jedi master or not, Kanan, Hera and the rest of the Ghost crew may still represent a serious upswing in Ezra's ongoing childhood and adolescence. If only they can actually get Ezra to trust them even just a little bit.

But then that's really the issue at the moment, isn't it? Ezra doesn't want to trust them - or even like them - at least as far as he's willing to admit. Does he...is the Kid seriously operating at this point with the assumption that not having a Masteror any other kind of support system actually *increases* his chances of surviving into adulthood vs the opposite? Is that why Ezra''s currently trying so hard to escape all of them? And Kanan in particulare. Had the kid, on first meeting taken all of their measures and judged them ultimately unworthy, because they hadn't realized at the time that that was what he was in fact actually doing?

Had Ezra's first few days on The Ghost really just been one giant test of who they all were as people? And if so, what exactly had he concluded in the wake of their initial introduction? Had he been unable to determine if the rest of them we actually worthy of his trust. Because Sith hells if that was what his hijacking their robbery had really been all about then as far as Kanan can see, they are all screwed thanks to what had happened... Because they most certainly hadn't recognized any of it going in.

And who had Ezra Bridger encountered during his first mission aboard the Ghost Specter Crew in all their less then stellar glory? A group of people were assholes sometimes on even their good days despite the best of intentions. Ezra had encountered a group of mercenaries that had chased him around town making repeated threats on his life over the contents of a single unknown crate, who'd eventually offered him sanctuary aboard their ship when his other choice was likely death by storm trooper or capture...but only at the price of his now hard won prize in payment.

He had met a group of cranky strangers that yes, had been demonstrably ready to risk their lives in order to help a group of total strangers, yes - but one of them had also deliberately abandoned Ezra to the enemy at the same time, even *after* Ezra had risked his own life honoring Here's request to rescue the rest *them.*" Even after the same crew had ignored his very real claims of hunger when he defended his earlier actions and thrown him around like a ragdoll in the docking bay of the ship.

And Sith hells, with all that knowledge kept in mind, Kanan's starting to wonder whether *Ezra Bridger* isn't the one who's actually facing a hopeless Jekyll and Hyde sort of conundrum at the moment. Because after all the crew of the Ghost had probably confused Ezra every bit as badly during his short stay on the Ghost as he is now similarly confusing all of them. They'd all been so contradictory in their actions while he was on board that he'd probably ultimately fled the Ghost like rat out of a sinking ship because from his perspective when he'd still been on board there was no reliably safe place to stand.

And in that context, from Ezra's perspective at least, their entire ongoing recruitment drive now has to seem just short of outright cruel. Because after all, even if Ezra had wanted to join their number initially, by now he's had it repeatedly reinforced they are not people he can depend on reliably?

And if that's the real problem they're dealing with at the moment, well then Force Damn it but this whole situation is about as karked up now as it could ever hope to be. After all the only way that Ezra is ever going to truly become familiar with who they actually are as people if for the poor kid to spend even more time aboard The Ghost with all of the rest of them, both one on one and working in a unit, while at the same they're all aware they're being measured and studied. 

All of which is almost inevitably going to require one of three things happen 1) Ezra'll have to come onboard the as crew again willingly- which is highly unlikely , given everything that's happened since they all met or 2) they'll have to stay on Lothol for weeks or even months at a time slowly building up additional levels trust. Which is almost certainly fiscally insupportable and Kanan knows it, or 3) Hera and Sabine are right, at least in these particular circumstances - and they're going to have to literally *kidnap* the karking kid away from the only home and sense of personal security that he's got. Preferably sooner rather later, while Kanan can still justify such an aggressive action somewhere down the line to both himself and Ezra by pointing out both the current threat they're under along as Ezra's overall level of incompetence when he initially consented to the decision.

Force.. has Kanan actually reacedh the point in his life where press ganging a traumatized Force Sensitive Teenager is right at the top of his list of 'available and reasonably wise parenting decisions?'

Yes. He acknowledges to himself, more than a little bit grimly. Yes it appears that it actually is.

Kanan's tenure as a Master may very well have to begin with a round of even *more* traumatizing essential child abduction. And Force but Kanan will karking hate that - more than words can adequately say. And Ezra? Kriff, Kanan thinks, because if they take that particular path as the only one available to them at the moment then the teenager in question is going to literally emotionally barricade all means of access between them. And the sad thing is, they'll all at least partly deserve it, considering how all of this had happened. Kanan has no desire to play jailor...which would essentially be what they'd all be committing to initially. With almost inevitable fall out: Ezra's ability to trust anyone has already been battered so badly it might take years to rebuild any sort of sympatico, if they'll be able to do so at all. In the absolute worst case scenario such an act could quite possibly doom everything emotional tie that Kanan hopes to build between Ezra Bridger and the others long before they have any real chance to begin.

Kanan draws in a sharp breath at that specific acknowledgement in particular and then slams his eyes shut, begging the universe in that moment for some kind of miraculous better option, or at leasr for a clearer perspective on how to handle everything. After all, if this is supposed to be, as Kanan becoming more and more convinced, the will of the Force itself, than how in kark is he actually supposed to proceed? How is this kid who's supposed to be his padawan - as crazy as that idea might be -ever going to end up becoming anything other than a miserable, resentful prisoner waiting for the day that he can ultimately flee the ship and all of their lives permanently?

'That can not happen. There has to be a better way to do this.' He inhales another couple of deep breaths. Exhales. Then inhales through his nose yet again. Then he slips for a moment back into the oldest of the mantras that his Master had quietly yet insistantly taught him. There is emotion, yet there is peace. There is ignorance, yet there is knowledge. There are... Kanan pauses, remembering abruptly, a statement from one of the few junior Padawan level lectures at Temple he'd had the time to attend, far more minutes at the very start of any crisis for first-responders to make wise decision than most people realize in the emotional heat of the moment.

What was it that Kanan'd said to Hera himself just yesterday after? That none of them really know yet who exactly they are dealing with, where Ezra is concerned. Not until after they rehydrate him, and get a handle on the pain he's feeling from all of his psychic damage.

'You may not have burned as many bridges last round as you're currently assuming Jarrus,' Things probably aren't as cut and dry, or black and white right now where Ezra's concerned as the rest of them are probably imagining at the moment. It may well be, that they're all actually over-blowing the situation. Ezra, after all, for all his current piss and vinegar has spent the last sever months now in incredible pain. Which is likely to mess with anyone's responses and general temperment.

Because while yes, the kid's acting extraordinarily self-defensive around them at the moment, it's not like they've taught him any better, given their own behavior since they all first met. Ezra, for all his snarking in the cafe had actually yielded when Kanan had ultimately dragged him back to the Ghost, unable, or so it seemed to refused help for his pain when it was offered with something closer to kindness. 

And then there was the thing with the wookies... Kanan can't forget about that either. Ezra may, in fact, wake up in a couple more hours far closer to his Jekyll variant than to his previous Hyde, once his pain levels have normalized and his appetite returns to normal again.

And maybe, just maybe there's an actual chance if that happens that once Ezra's feeling better if the rest of them act like trustworthy non-assholes all six of them can just try and start all over again.

After all Ezra Bridger is capable of bending. May turn out to be the kind of kid who won't arbitrarily force Kanan into having to seriously consider the ethical implications of something like Padawan-napping. The teenager may prove less combative once he's finally out of pain and may be willing to, well...basically just listen to actually listen to reason... He may have the capacity within himself to actually forgive. 

Because yes, Kanan acknowledges, feeling his tension slowly start to bleed back away, he's seen that side Erza Bridger before. All of them have for that matter. They have met the somber teenager who can set aside his personal grudges in the face of other people's very real need. Kanan has met the Ezra Bridger who can take the higher road...who can and will be a great Jedi Knight or the sort that Kanan can already sense rising up beneath the younger man's surface...

If Ezra's just given half an actual chance to grow into him, Kanan means.

But Kanan's not going to find that Ezra by press ganging him, is he? None of them will for that matter, if they're not willing to at least grant him the opportunity to try to be that better version of himself again. Sometimes everyone needs someone else to remember who it is that they're actually capable of becoming if they're just granted half a chance. If someone shows a little faith in them basically.

That truth ringing out in his mind, Kanan opens his eyes and looks down at Sabine with a wry sort of smile, wrapping that single strand of truth around himself like a warm, anxiety easing blanket, and lets it calm him for a moment or so before he resumes softly speaking. "No. We're not involuntarily kidnapping crewmmates, right now, no matter how much simpler you and Hera think it might be if we were to do so. Because we're not at the point where it's necessary. We still have a few better less nuclear options that we haven't tried yet."

Sabine raises a single eyebrow, "Those options being?"

Kanan's smile is wry. "Simple. We wait a little longer, Sabine. We show some patience and kindness and gentleness. And while we do, we have a little faith. We try and remember who we're actually dealing with."

"Who we're dealing with, Kanan?" Sabine asks then, her expression genuinely flabberghasted.

Kanan nods, "Yes... we believe that the past speaks for itself, Sabine - and that the Ezra Bridger who stole the crate from us in the markets the other day is also the same Ezra Bridger who also helped us rescue the Wookie prisoners when he didn;t have any obligation to do so, especially the way we abandoned him earlier. We work on wooing that Ezra Bridger onto Specter crew, where he already proved he belongs, instead of forcefully trying to press gang his darker variant."


	5. Bargaining

"Tell me again why I'm actually letting you do this?" Ezra grumbles good naturedly, sitting upright for the time being on the Medbay’s exam table. "Because I seem to remember that when you first said that you had something aboard that could help me with this headache, I essentially consented at the time to taking a one-time dose of a single medication. Not to agreeing to an ongoing course of multiple infusions that yes, are helping me with the pain - because I will give you that much, at least - but also leave me feeling like a limp karking fish the exact *hour and a half* of every day that I'm actually awake."

Kanan snorts softly in response, passing Ezra over a loaded down dinner tray as he does so. The fourteen year old has thankfully opted for actual food this time around rather than requesting just a half of a meal bar followed by another IV chaser fluids. Which Kanan is choosing to take as a sign of real improvement under the current circumstances. It's nice to see that the kid's interest in food is finally returning. Nearly as good as noting his complete and utter lack of any other obvious alcoholic withdrawal symptoms. Ezra apparently hadn't been lying to Kanan or Hera earlier concerning his habit of drinking.

Still, Kanan can't stop from smirking to himself for just a moment or so before he replies, "Hey, it's not my fault if you didn't read the fine print at the beginning of all of this. How's your head feeling at the moment, Kid? I know that you just said that it's getting better yeah - but by how much exactly? You should be feeling significantly closer to your old self by this point in the time, Ezra and if you're not, then that's a clear sign that you're not yet at your max therapeutic dosage and we should probably adjust your current amount of medication."

Ezra shrugs, seemingly noncommittal."Well, right now it sort of feels as if my brain is being semi-regularly splashed by small amounts of sulfuric acid. As opposed to it previously just being of straight up submerged in a pool of it on an ongoing basis. So…thanks I guess, for that much actual progress?"

And okay yeah - they are definitely going to need to jack up the kid's Amalyn by a couple of more levels. It's not entirely surprising, Kanan acknowledges, given Ezra's actual power level. Though also wow, he thinks to himself a just little bit wryly, that had actually sounded like a genuine Bridger-Style compliment: one part genuine approval, two parts acerbic if witty sarcasm.

Ezra for his own part, starts nibbling cautiously on the edge of one of his waffles. "I do know just for the record, Jarrus that what you and Hera are doing for me isn't cheap. Not in terms of either the time you're expending or the literal medical resources, and I'll also admit that I probably owe you guys a couple pro-bono loans my skill set if you guys have actual need of them so we're all in fair payment..."

Kanan perks up a little at that. "Does that mean that you’ve changed your mind about...?"

Ezra shakes his head a little stubbornly. "I'm still not looking for a long-term job ...as I've already told you and Hera and the others at least a dozen or more times. That stated, I would be willing to consider collaborating with or letting you guys contract me out as needed for security system hacks or other breaking and entering work while the Ghost's still here in the system. On a case by case basis only though Jarrus, at least until I think that I've fairly paid off my currently accruing debt."

'Yeah but the point of actual 'help,' Kid,' Kanan can't help but think to himself more than a little bit wryly, 'Is that you're generally not expected to have pay for it afterward unless that's something all parties agreed to beforehand.' Not that Kanan Jarrus suspects that Ezra Bridger's really all that familiar with that particular concept at this stage in his life. The street is at its very core an ongoing barter system after all, and nobody in their right mind who hopes to live there very long, much less very safely, ever truly loses track of either what they owe or what's owed to them in their particular sub strata community.

That fact held very firmly in the front of his mind, the older Jedi considers Ezra's words for a minute or so before ultimately shrugging his shoulders and just going with his gut. "Look, if you're genuinely open to the idea of working with all of us occasionally again, then yes I'm happy to bring up the possibility of you doing so to Hera. But only if you understand right off the bat that you won’t be doing so in exchange for us doing this," he gestures at the bag of hanging IV meds. "Instead of in exchange for a limited cut of any profits we might earn during a job you happen to participate in. I can't...*I won't* take payment from you for your use of the Amalyn, Ezra. Not when my offering it to you in the first place comes down to me just showing a little basic compassion and karking humanity. I've been where you are right before, Kid, after my own master died at around your own age, and I still remember the awfulness of the experience. Broken psi links are a nightmare, Ezra. They'll wear you down to absolutely nothing and then leave you exhausted to the point of literal tears, if you're not really careful about it how you handle them. I know, because I was in the exact position myself for over a month at one point, before I finally got a hold of some of the drug that you're currently taking. Psychic trauma sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. I certainly don't begrudge anything required to help out you in this particular situation.”

That admission earns Kanan a small, wry smile, sad but absolutely genuine. "All right then, I guess." Ezra murmurs, ducking his chin down nearly to his chest. "Bygones then as they say, at least in terms of your sharing your medication. With my sincere appreciation for your generosity. But I still owe you guys for my basic room and board. Even if that just amounts to my helping out with the Ghost's regular maintenance or other shipwide repairs."

Kanan snorts. "Oh, don't worry about that, Ezra - I'm quite certain that Hera can find you some basic chores around here that you can do once you're feeling a little less tired and floppy. It's not often that we actually have someone on board small enough to actually get inside the vent systems. If nothing else, our allergies will certainly appreciate the fruits of your labor by the time you're healed up, Kid."

"Yeah, well exploit my scrawniness now while you still have the chance, Jarrus" Ezra mutters under his breath in reply, more than a little bit wryly. He looks past Kanan before continuing, his eyes going strangely troubled and distant. The older Jedi frowns in response to that look. 'Wait - does ...is Ezra actually not a fan of small spaces?' It hadn't really seemed like any kind of issue for him earlier, at least as far as Kanan could tell. Or is their discussion at present completely unconnected to whatever else is clearly knocking around inside the boy's head at the moment?

Ezra eventually speaks up, a couple of long moments later, his words neatly answering Kanan's former question as he does so. The younger Jedi tilts his head to the left to study his older counterpart candidly.

"Look. seriously Jarrus, before the next round of Amalyn you hook up almost inevitably knocks me flat, I want you to level with me all right.... How many more boluses of this stuff am I going to need to take in order to get healed up enough to safely leave? And do I necessarily need to be dosed every time I take it via IV? Because if not Jarrus, then there's really no reason for me to hang around here underfoot constantly and holding back you guys' own ability to work in the meantime, not if I can just go back to my tower and take the drug myself without supervision via an injection whenever it's needed.”

Kanan shakes his head, "Sorry but it really doesn't work that way with this medication, Ezra. You'll need to keep a drip running constantly while you're infusing Amalyn, Ezra, just like we've had you hooked up to over these last handful of days, or you risk getting too much of the drug into your bloodstream all at once, which can seriously endanger your breathing." Kanan cracks open another can of juice then and hands it over to Ezra with another small shrug of his shoulder, "Not to even mention the fact that Amalyn when given at therapeutic doses tends to leave most people incredibly woozy - which is a real problem if you don't want to literally sleep in the bathroom. So what's the matter, Kid? Are the accommodations here on ship really wearing so thin for you already? I mean at least you're far enough away from Zeb's quarters right now, that you shouldn't even be getting tortured like all the rest of us get to be at night by his intermittent bouts of snoring."

"It’s not that." Ezra mutters again, smirking just slightly at Kanan's words, "Well, not really anyway. It's just...well a man's home is his castle as they say, Kanan. I ...I just miss my tower right now. Not to mention my privacy."

As if the kid's even awake enough right now to really have the time to truly miss anything. Though Kanan supposes after a moment or so's though, that at least from Ezra's perspective every time that the younger Jedi has been awake recently he's had to contend with people talking at him pretty much constantly.

"Yeah well, everyone has to go out on pilgrimage occasionally, if only to deal with life's nastier dragons from time to time, I mean. Look: we can always try and give you a little more space to yourself when you're actually conscious if you want us to do so - or we can hold off your doses by an hour or so in order to give you more time awake, if you think that that'll help. Though in the meantime I hope we've all been at least reasonably tolerable companions?"

"You've been fine, Jarrus." Ezra allows with a slight upward twitch of his lips. "And Hera's mostly decent company most of the time- even if she tends to hover a lot more than is really necessary. I could certainly do with less of both Sabine and Zeb semi-regularly threatening to abduct me, though."

Kanan responds to that grumbled complaint with a sharp snort of laughter. "Just consider it their version of affection, Ezra. I remind you that it was you who originally started that particular joke. They're just running with it, at least for the moment."

"What I'll consider it, Jarrus, is proof that half your karking crew is kriffing crazy."

"Language Ezra." Kanan says for the third time in as many hours, surprisingly patient as he does so. He's long past being offended by most of the teenagers more colorful language. Maybe because Kanan's finally realized that Ezra's penchant for swearing seems to come out most often when he's speaking to himself or when the two of them are alone. Which Kanan's taking as a sort of a compliment, at the moment. Probably because he's also realized than an Ezra Bridger who's not carefully filtering his words sentence by sentence is also an Ezra Bridger who's most off-kilter, honest and open emotionally.

Ezra tilts his head and looks at him a little bit curiously, "Why do you even give a kriff how I talk, in the first place? It's not like anyone is forcing you to stick around and hear it. Seems like a lot of hoopla to me, well most of the time."

It's a fair question, Kanan knows, but still... "I don't mind on my own behalf, if I'm entirely honest about it, Ezra, but Hera does and that kind of thing becomes unconscious habit very quickly. As we like to say around here: Hera's rules on Hera's ship. Seriously Kid...scrub your epithets, especially when on board, or one of these days be prepared to get your mouth washed out with soap by a grumpy Twi'lek. Our Captain has many fine qualities, it can't be denied, but she also gets a little maniacal sometimes about what is or isn't allowed on her 'baby' ..."

"So then it's actually a full three-quarters of you that are insane then, and not just an even fifty percent. Duly noted." Ezra sighs. "Look, how long in total do you think that it's actually gonna take for this treatment to finish? Don't think that I didn't notice Jarrus, how you never actually answered my original question.”

"Ideally, once we find your proper treatment dosage, Ezra - which I honestly think is probably one or two levels higher than it as at the moment- you'll need to be on the drug for between seven to ten days. Usually with a bolus of Amalyn every four hours, though later if things improve rapidly enough then we may try switching you over to every six or every eight instead. We'll keep on upping the dosage like we have been until the pain currently associated with your previous link break is either completely gone or has at least faded enough that it can be silenced with the semi regular use of an anti-inflammatory. After that point? Well then it’s generally recommended that you titter yourself back down off of your targeted maximum dosage over the process of several days or weeks in order to avoid re-irritating the area again as it finishes up healing. I'm guessing that the whole process will probably take you about a month or a month and a half at the very, very longest."

Ezra grunts softly in response to that information, chewing his bottom lip for a moment or two before finally answering back, "Look, I can give you seven to ten days initially here on the ship, Jarrus . But after that, I'm going to *have* to get back out there again and start working my regular shifts in the markers while the weather's still good and the streets are still packed with visiting tourists. If I don't, eating well is going to start looking very, very iffy as autumn turns over into fall. If the IV port hasreally got to stay in during all of that time, then I guess that I can flush it several times a day with normal saline in order to help keep it open, cover it up with a wrap whenever when I'm out there and then meet you guys daily before or after shift for any needed infusions. You and Hera can just pick on a daily basis where you actually want the meet up to occur and I, of course, will do any traveling needed to make sure that it actually happens."

"Ezra..." Kanan hedges, anything but thrilled by newest of Ezra's suggestion. Because after all the meds still make the teenager incredibly drowsy on even his very best of days, and the streets are no place for someone with an active IV port to be running around - especially not when they're in Ezra's line of business. Even with it carefully covered and wrapped securely whenever he's out there, there's still a serious risk of the fourteen year old ending up with a serious site infection if he gets soaked through or his bandages get otherwise wet or torn or dirty. Not to even mention what might happen if anyone in the city's local underbelly happens to catch sight of and start asking questions about the dressing...

The boy just crosses his arms over his chest in reply to Kanan's unvoiced string of fair objections though, looking over at the older Jedi through eyes that are far too old for a kid just fourteen years old. "Take the deal or leave it, Jarrus. Or you're going to end up getting your initial seven to ten days for treatment and after that I'll just bypass the whole tittering down phase completely.. Like I said earlier, Kanan I’m an active, growing boy, and believe it or not even loth-rats need to eat."

The kid is slipping up and using Kanan first name rather than his last one more and more often over the past couple of days, though the Jedi's wise enough not to mention that fact aloud. He still marks it a small personal victory. Still, Kanan sighs nodding his head reluctantly, before speaking up again a little gruffly. "...Has anyone ever told you that you're as stubborn as a bantha sometimes when you've already decided that you're right, Kid?"

"That has been rumored on occasionally, yes, Jarrus. " Ezra answers back, his lips tugging upward just sightly on both sides, though he keeps his voice deliberately somber. "Though I don't listen to that kind idle gossip, generally speaking."

Kanan's own lips twitch upward instinctively in reply as he equally somberly nods back./p>

He takes a couple minutes after that, in order to mull over the situation before eventually speaking up again. "Well if that's really the case, we're probably best off to do the dosing strategically in the early evenings . You can plan on coming back to the Ghost every day after finishing up you shift and plan on eating dinner with us as well before we hang up your meds so that you don't end up sick to your stomach.” And afterward, if Kanan's really,bout it smart a, Ezra will probably end up falling asleep - or at least feeling way, way too woozy and tired to want to leave the warm ship and go back to his tower when he can just head from The Ghost in the morning back into the targeted markets again.

Ezra snorts very softly, "What is with all of you and your apparent obsession with fattening me up like some kind lamb for the slaughter? I swear to Force, Jarrus, every single time that I wake up recently one or more of you is actively attempting to shove some kind of food in my face. If all you keep it up I'm going to end up far or develop a psychological complex or something."

Kanan only raises his eyebrow in reaction to the question, letting his gaze drop from Ezra's head down to his toes in a single, all too knowing sweep as he does so. The teenager glowers back at him putting his hands at his hips, “Do not answer that question, pJarrus, by simply glaring at all of me!”

“I’m just pointing out…well what should be kind of obvious, Ezra. You're not anyone’s definition of overweight at the moment, Kid - and I suspect that you already know that. I mean you're pretty thin plainly speaking for some halfway to fifteen.” Though yes, after an ongoing concerted effort to get some meat on his bones ever since he first came on board, Ezra is finally starting to put on some actual weight and keep it on, Kanan notes to himself more than a little bit smugly.

Ezra snorts again then he just shrugs his shoulders helplessly and wrinkles up his nose, "Yeah, well I'm also not as emaciated right now as you're trying to imply that I am either. I just happen to wear clothing that's a size or two bigger than I am right now in order to add the appearance of greater bulk to my frame. Which I am sure you've already guessed can be very very helpful when you're living on the streets. Also - as shocking as this news may be to hear Kanan, since you and Zeb are descended from giants apparently, some of us had one or more parents that were just naturally petite.”

"And you really think that you're going to end the same way yourself, kid? Scrawny and minature sized, I mean?"

Ezra snorts. "You make it sound like you're describing kriffing candy bar, and yes, there is at least a decent possibility. I mean, from what I've been told I already have my father's general coloring as well as his facial structure, just generally speaking. There are far worse things that could happen to me then my ending up with my mother's frame typse and her eye color in contrast. I'll say this much...it's a kark of lot easier when you're not over-sized, to crawl through the vents."

Kanan tilts his head to one side for a moment, studying Ezra frankly. "And your former Master, Ezra - what were his views regarding your more 'street side' skills, if I can ask?" Had Ezra's possession of said skills somehow influenced the other Jedi's opinion of his Padawan in a particularly negative way and thus influenced the other man's choice to mostly 

Ezra for his own part, merely raises an eloquent eyebrow in response to the question, looking almost bemused before answering with such casual ease Kanan can tell he isn't even the slightest bit offput by the question... "Well, considering that he operated quite a lot on the 'gray' side of the track himself? He never complained about what I could do anywhere I could hear it - at least not as far as I remember, anyway. In fact, I’m pretty sure looking back on it now that he actually found my set of skills pretty karking handy most of the time as often as I got called on to use them on our missions. I mean, I helped keep the bills in the day to day just like everyone else did on the team."

'Of course Ezra had done so.' Kanan scowls fiercely when the fourteen year old looks briefly away then, his eyes looking distinctly nostalgic, and adds yet another bullet point on the list of reasons in his head ;why I really hate that asshole.' He also makes a quick mental note to himself inquire a little bit farther down the line about Ezra's casual reference a moment ago to them working sometimes with some kind of 'team.' "And what about your parents, Ezra? What do you think that they would think if they were aware how you've actually been supporting yourself for all of these years?" Kanan does his very best to be blunt not judgemental in the asking - he's seeking information from the kid after all, not attempting to shame Ezra for the way he's spent more then half a decade living.

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders, "I ...well, I like to at least imagine that if nothing else were true they'd at least be proud of me for surviving for so many years, on my own, after their own original 'emergency childcare arrangements' fell so spectacularly through. My parents weren't exactly what you'd call law-abiding citizen's themselves, remember, Kanan - albeit for very different kinds of reasons I had. Still, all three of of us weren't exactly shining examples of law and order, if you know what I mean.'”

Ezra had survived in the years since his folks were taken 'all on his own.' Despite the fact that four years of the time in question he should have rightfully been under the protection of an actual kriffing adult. A member of an order of devotees to the Force who'd literally sworn themselves to a life of service to the public good, only for that same person to fail to even adequately protect or provide for a Padawan who'd apparently been literally standing there going hungry in front of him.

It had been choice on Ezra's master's part which couldn't be described as anything but blatantly contradictory. Kanan looks at Ezra for a long moment then, and debates pointing out that exact fact for several long seconds, genuinely curious what the teenager's reaction to the observation might actually be, only to mentally push the thought away in favor of taking the conversation a different direction instead. "Ezra...where exactly are your parents right now? Do you even know? And how long has it been since they were taken from you initially - at least as far as you remember what happened, I mean?"

The teen’s face goes oddly blank for a long a moment then. Not as Ezra's outright shutting himself down more like he's ruthlessly internally debating how exactly to answer the question honestly, before he ultimately shrugs his shoulders up then down once, rather exageratedly, as if deciding that there's nothing to be either gained or lost by him just replying to Kanan's query honestly.

"I guess that you could say that they're both unwilling guests of 'Imperial Club Med' at the moment. The Empire came for them over seven years ago now - the same year that I officially turned seven." Ezra shrugs before raising a brow. "Wait - you're actually saying that you didn't know that much at least about what happened to the two of them already? I mean, I was under the impression that you guys had been asking all over town about me after I first left the ship? Not many people around here can resist the chance to gossip with visitors to the Capital about what happened and why to my folks. They certainly never hesitated to do so in front of me, in my experience."

Kanan internally winces at that admission, before shaking his head right and left in the negative. "We were able to find out from Old Jho that your last name is Bridger, Ezra. And that your parents were apparently associated with the resistance movement here on Lothal in some way before they disappeared into Imperial custody on Empire day one year. No one that we talked to could remember when or why it happened though, exactly or how it was that you didn’t end up getting swept up along with the two of them on the night that they presumably arrested. I have to admit that I’m particularly curious about that last question myself. Considering your sheer level of force potential from what I can see, you were very, very lucky not to have gotten caught up in that particular sweep.”

Ezra shrugs his shoulders, "I was *small,*” he finally acknowledges. “My Mom and Dad both told me to run and hide when the troopers came and pounded on our door, and I was generally obedient when I was that age. Then Again I was only barely seven. There were plenty of places - in both our house and then later on in our larger general neighborhood where I could hide initially, and the ISF agents and troopers who showed up weren't going to put that much of an effort into following me - not when I was only a little squirt who couldn't provide any truly useful information. There just wasn’t enough of a pay off in pursuing me collaterally.

Kanan sighs very deeply then, his eyes closing briefly at the image of the small child the words had summoned into his his, before he reaches out gently and briefly to squeeze the kid on his shoulder, "Force,Ezra, I'm sorry."

The younger man just shrugs, "For what, exactly? It's not like it's your fault that any of it happened. You have no more love for the Imperials than my parents did at the time, or than I do now right now for that matter. As for what my parents were arrested for, initially" Ezra chews at his lip again, then licks the lower one almost mindlessly before continuing. "Look, have you ever heard of something, Kanan, call The Voices of Freedom? An anti-imperial broadcast that was run underground both here on Lothal and apparently into several of the other surrounding systems starting just couple of months after Lothol's initial Imperial Occupation?"

Kanan blinks at the question rapidly for several seconds before cautiously nodding his head, "Yes I have, Ezra. It stopped suddenly about... seven to eight years ago now. Wait...wait, Ezra are you actually saying that ...that the people involved in that were actually your *parents?*

"Yeah. They were." Ezra's smile is both bittersweet and very, very wry, "They broadcast the show from directly underneath our living room throughout most of my infancy and early childhood. Or at least they did up until the year that I turned seven. That was when the Empire finally identified and ultimately came for them. The storm-troopers dragged my parents out of the house one rainy evening while everyone else in the neighborhood was in town celebrating the mandatory yearly Empire Day. I haven't really seen or heard a word from either of them since."

Kanan nods before drawing in a deep breath, "And how old were you by the time that your master finally found you after all that happened? How long exactly were you completely on your own? And did your training start up right away when the two of you ultimately crossed paths, or did it take him awhile to figure out that you were actually a force sensitive like it went when I first encountered you.?"

And just like that, Ezra's face goes suddenly utterly blank. The boy's mouth abruptly claps shut in response to Kanan's latest barrage of personal questions. His jaw twitches tightly, just once, before he finally speaks up softly again. "Can we just ....please change the subject, at least for now, Kanan? You mentioned a couple of minutes ago that it's almost time for me to pass out after you hang up another bolus of the Amalyn?"

"As soon as you've eaten enough and had a chance to go and use the restroom, then yes." Kanan truthfully doesn't particularly want to let the subject drop but he also knows the posture of someone who is clearly shutting themselves down emotionally. Ezra has actually been pretty decent thus far in terms of the conversations that he's been willing to have - especially during the past two days. The Kid just shared a lot of information about his parents in the past couple of minutes with very little prodding, even though a great deal of it had had to be painful. Kanan doesn't want to risk somehow emotionally overloading him. They can afford to be patient, at least for a little while longer at least, in order to get the rest of their questions answered. Any progress, even slow progress, is to be encouraged at the moment.

Ezra for his own part simply yawns, widely and deeply, before he gestures to his still attached IV pole. "Then unhook me for the moment please, Jarrus, so that I can go and take a leak. I'm pretty much done here food wise, I think, at least in terms of what I'm interested in eating."

"Are you going to need any assistance with getting to or using the bathroom, Ezra?"

Ezra's voice is very dry when he replies to that question. "Yeah, thanks for that, but no, Kanan. I've been completely toilet trained since I was three."

Kanan unhooks the bag from its stand and then he snorts softly before replying. "I'm just saying that you might need to be a little bit careful when you're first standing that's all. You've been laying flat on your back for quite a long time now, and as a result you may end up feeling a little dizzy when you first change positions. The last time that we did anything like this Sabine and Hera basically ended up dragging you to and from the bathroom - well according to Zeb's recounting of it anyway."

Ezra's lips quirk upward again at that particular reminder. "Yeah, well I was a kriff of a lot more drugged at the time then I am now. And what, you’re claiming that passed out on the floor isn't the new springtime fashion here on Lothol anymore, Kanan? I'm absolutely crushed, Jarrus."

Kanan rolls his eyes at the sarcasm, only half suppressing a smirk of his own. Yeah, the kid is still definitely snarky ever since he first woke up and then began his scheduled Amalyn dosing in earnest. He's just not ...well, *aggressively* snarky anymore. Instead, Ezra seems to use the tactic more as a means of distraction and diversion than he uses it for anything else. As well as a way for the younger Jedi to showcase his rather quirky sense of humor on occasion. He clearly finds the entire world ironic and regularly enjoys poking occasional fun at various parts of it.

His sarcasm driven conversational habits are really just a subtle form of misdirection, Kanan has finally realized, as well as an ongoing strategy that the teenager employs in order to try and control what he does and doesn't want to have to talk about. It can even be kind of charming most of the time, at least when it's being meted out in small doses. The kid definitely doesn't lack charisma, as much as he's clearly hurting for a lot of other things in his life.

Kanan takes a step backwards then, motioning to the fresher door more than a little bit dryly. "Just don't get blood on the floor while you're in there okay? We already made our regular sacrifices for this year."

It's Ezra's turn to roll his eyes again, though he does seem to at least heed Kanan's advice, for the most part anyway, shifting first to sitting than to standing, with one of his hands braced on the side of the bed as he does so to keep himself from toppling over. Kanan still reaches out almost automatically to brace him when he wobbles just slightly, and the boy flinches just slightly at the contact.

Kanan frowns a little, pulling back his hand as soon as the teenager finds his feet. "You know, you could have just asked us for more pain meds, Ezra if you're still hurting badly enough right that it's literally blurring your focus. We have a more than adequate supply of morphine available right now, there is no reason at all for you to remain in pain needlessly, Kid."

Ezra shrugs, "It's not really all that bad Kanan, it just ...comes and goes now from time to time. It's getting steadily better with every day that passes, I promise. Painkillers tend to leave me feeling loopy as kark, which is why I hate taking them so kriffing much. Not to even mention that when they don't knock me out entirely they tend to make me annoyingly chatty and karking stupid sounding."

"Oh the horrors! Actual human interaction!" Kanan puts a mock terrorized hand against his own chest, which earns him a glare. Albeit one that only lingers for the space of a moment or two. Then the teenager scowls at him good-naturedly, pointing an accusing finger at the other man.

"Don't think for even a moment that I don't know the strategies involved in a good interrogation, Kanan. I am well aware right now that whenever you guys dose me up, you always make sure that someone is sitting with me afterwards, with a voice recorder all but waiting in hand.”

And Force, Kanan thinks, but this kid is cynical, if also not entirely wrong in his current assumptions. After all, they have all essentially been data gathering on Ezra from the very first moment that the kid set his feet down on the boarding ramp. And Kanan supposes that feeling as if you're under a constant microscope really isn't a pleasant sensation for anyone. Still. "You know..." He muses after another half a second, trailing Ezra across the hall toward the still open door to the fresher, speaking very dryly. "I am starting to think that I may be inclined to find that insinuation on your part more than just a little bit insulting."

"Why?" Ezra snorts, "Because you don’t like being called out on your poorly hidden surveillance techniques?"

"Oh no. I'll gladly cop to that one, Ezra. Force at this point in my life it's basically just a survival instinct ...and I'm guessing that if you're completely honest about it that you do the same thing too, even more than I do. No, what I find insulting about that whole insinuation, is the implied suggestion that I actually *need* to drug you in order to effectively data mine the contents of your head! I mean, seriously Bridger, how dare you doubt my interrogation skills so blatantly!"

Ezra outright chortles in response to that statement, surprising Kanan with his bell-like snort of good humor. "You would resent that, Kanan Jarrus, you would!" He parries back, something damn near close to openly affectionately. Then he turns and finally enters the fresher, shutting the door firmly behind him as he finishes up the last of his pre-nap preparations.

"You're a Bantha's ass, Kanan Jarrus, just for the record!" Ezra calls out through the closed door, even as he also turns on the water in the small bathroom sink. And yes, as strange as it is for him to hear the sentiment in this particular context, Kanan thinks that that insult was definitely meant to be taken affectionately. The term had actually been meant as a sort of ironic honorific.

“Takes one to know one kid!” He calls back pretty much automatically, then leans against the wall behind him with a smirky, self-satisfied little grin crawling slowly up his face. Force, but for all that this kid is a total pain in the ass most of the time, he's also continually growing on Kanan and the rest of the Specters both - practically with every passing minute. They haven't even known him for three full weeks yet but regardless Ezra's already filling holes and squeezing into gaps that the rest of them hadn't even realized were even there until after they'd met him.

Every day that Ezra Bridger stays here aboard The Ghost, and continues to interact with the rest of her crew, Kanan Jarrus becomes more and more convinced that here among the Specters is exactly where he actually belongs...where the teenage Jedi is literally meant to be.

Now to just get that particular thought into Ezra's thick skull as well, too. With a kriffing mallet if that's what's necessary.

***********

"You're just letting him leave the ship tomorrow, Kanan? To go out pick-pocketing?" Hera's standing in front of him in the galley five days later, her arms crossed over her chest. Her expression at the moment is a nice equal balance of unimpressed and not all that subtly murderous.

Kanan just shrugs his shoulders, "He's not our prisoner, Hera, no matter how much it might irritate you to actually hear that. I told you the other day when the two of us first went over there and brought Ezra's things back here from his Tower that I wasn't ready to resort to actually kidnapping him yet."

"Yet." Hera scowls, emphasizing the last word in his sentence. "I distinctly remember a yet being involved earlier in our earlier talk, Kanan..." She arches an all too knowing eyebrow - her voice, when she speaks again, shifts to just one level down from outright beguiling. "You can't seriously tell me that you're actually happy with the little announcement that he just made over dinner."

And no, for the record, of course, Kanan isn't happy right now about it. In the slightest. That doesn't mean however, that he also doesn't understand Ezra's position at the moment in a way that he suspects Hera with her different sort of past history really can't. "Happy doesn't have anything to do with it, Hera. Ezra's just being practical - well at least from his own perspective. After all it's been over two weeks now, since he's gotten to do any 'real' work out there in the markets even though its the prime period in his yearly 'prep season.' And as a result he's getting increasingly worried with each day that passes about he's going to eat in the days still ahead. Especially with Lothal's winter so clearly and rapidly oncoming."

"Then let's take a karking *job,* Kanan!" Hera emphasizes immediately. "You know - the kind where we all work together as a well-supported team and then are rewarded for that effort with the receipt of either goods or information or money...all of which can be applied to solving his current supply problems. You've already hinted more than once that Ezra already thinks that he owes us one for all this medical treatment- so let's use that fact to our advantage. There are rumors all over the place right now about that new weapons shipment that's supposed to be coming into the port in just a few more days that Vizago clearly interested in getting his hands on, and if the job in question really as profitable as I suspect that it's going to be then not only will Ezra's skill set come in handy in terms of getting the job done, but he can also have a fair share the profits once the payout is finally official that should help ease his mind. That'll keep him under our supervision for a few more days at least, Kanan. Not to mention pad all of our pockets in the process. It's also certainly a lot safer than him just out picking random pockets on the street for now. I mean for kriff's sake, Kanan, he's still carrying around a patent IV at the moment!"

Kanan decides not to point out the inherent irony of Hera actually implying that Ezra will be safer taking part in an arms theft and sale than a simple pick-pocketing excursion, because the sad fact of that matter is that he know that she's probably right: at least in this particular situation.

"I'll suggest the idea to him as an *option,* Hera." Kanan tells her very calmly. "But it's gonna have to be up to Ezra to make the final call on whether or not he agrees to the idea. We are not going to force him into doing something that he's uncomfortable with, not when he's just starting to finally relax when he's around us..." This particular job Kanan knows after all, is a far cry from work like just picking pockets, minor breaking and entering or rescuing captured Wookies.

Ezra's response, once Kanan finally floats the idea to the younger man, is a very simple slightly longer than the average blink, followed by a casual shrug of his shoulders, "Okay. Yeah, that works for me right now, I guess. When do we leave and what specifically do you guys need me to do on mission?"

Less than twenty-nine hours after that (Or on day eleven of Ezra's ongoing medical treatment by Kanan's reckoning) Ezra is force-shoving Kallus into the side of a mountain (saving Zeb's life in the process) while Kanan gawks from just a few feet away, before people start shooting at all of them once again, and then they are all too busy fleeing for their lives for him to be thinking about anything for awhile but surviving...

A few hours later, Kanan discretely studies Ezra where the younger man lays resting on the table in Medbay. Ezra's actions during the last part of their previous mission had been enough of a stress on Ezra's still fragile system that the teenager had actually passed out briefly after slumping down into one of the benches on the shuttle, starling Zeb and scaring Hera - who hadn't had as much reference as Kanan did at the time to the sheer energy such an act would had initially required - pretty much nearly to death.

"What?!" Ezra grunts out now, hours later, from where he's currently resting, clearly uneasy with the way he's being studied even as he raises his eyes from his cuticles and notes the older Jedi's gaze.

"That was good work you did back there, Ezra." Kanan praises him softly. "Thank you, for saving Zeb."

"Uhm... it's no big deal, I guess?" Ezra squirms a little uncomfortably. Encouragement is clearly not something that Ezra's gotten from other people all that often in his life. Kanan can tell that much just by his general awkwardness whenever he's actually met with it it. His master must not have been particularly expressive person most of the time - another thing for Kanan to be annoyed by, because on top of the boy's obvious natural skill with the force... which should have been enough to please nearly anyone under most circumstance it's also pretty clear that there are very few people in the world right now more in need of ongoing encouragement and affirmation than Ezra Bridger is.

Still, Kanan can't resist the opportunity to ask the kid just a couple more questions in light of everything that's just happened. "You know I don't think I've ever really asked. What exactly is the extent of your current Jedi training, Ezra? I mean what were you taught by your master just on a generalized basis? Because what Force Skills you've revealed in practice so far are all clearly solid, Ezra and you have to be pretty adept at meditation in order to maintain the level of personal shielding that you seem to on a day to day basis. I was wondering though - did you ever have any training in the use of a lightsaber as well? Or was that just never really an option for you because of weapon inavailability instead?"

Ezra shakes his head in response, smiling wryly but also absolutely genuinely, "Oh no. I'm definitely trained in the use the Lightsaber as well as in everything else - and I used to use mine quite a bit actually. That's just not an option available to me at present. I ... I lost my blade in awhile ago now and there really hasn't been a chance for me to replace it since that happened. I simply don't have the resources available to build myself a replacement for the one that I lost at the moment."

"You master wasn't able to help you with that problem?" Kanan raises an eyebrow as he raises an eyebrow.

"No, because it actually happened after his death." The teenager just shrugs again, "Before that he helped me get what I needed to build a blade two separate times after my first one was damaged. He always fully supported my mastery of that particular skill set just for general safety reasons."

Kanan narrows his eyes a little, "You know, you've never actually told me your Master's real name, do you realize that, Ezra?"

The teenager's face blanks, "No. I haven't." Ezra replies very, very, very benignly.

"Is there some reason for that particular omission so far on your part?" Kanan quirks his brow up at the younger man even as he waits for an answer.

Ezra shrugs, "I... just don't particularly feel the need to talk about it right now? I mean after all he's dead now, and not someone you've likely ever met. When he was still alive my Master ...well he guarded his secrets pretty closely, Kanan. Didn't talk with almost anyone about his past including me excluding shortly before his death. It seems disrespectful for me to guard his secrets differently now just because he happens to be dead instead of still living."

"Well that's operating on a lot of shaky assumptions, Kid." Kanan points softly out after a moment or so, "Ezra, if it hasn't already occurred to you by now, there's actually a very good chance that I *have* met your master at some point in my past at least once or twice during my multiple years still in the initiates wing. I mean, even the Rim scouts reported back to the main temple occasionally, Ezra, in order to take new assignments or to receive any ongoing necessary medical treatment..."

Ezra gives a queer little laugh in response to that. "Trust me, Kanan, my master took long, looooong outer rim scouting assignments. I absolutely guarantee that his name wasn't one that no one at the temple in your particular age group would have been even remotely familiar with."

Kanan frowns deeply in reply to that announcement, "He was really undercover for that long ?" That's... unusual... he knows, but not completely unheard of either, especially if Ezra's former master had worked in intelligence. "How old was he exactly by the fall of the Republic, Ezra, did he ever tell you?"

"Ancient. Like Yoda he was. Ask any further questions about him you should not, Kanan. Displeased he would be." Ezra responds back to the question in a monotone so droll and dry that it makes it more than clear that the boy is now just misleading the older Jedi deliberately, and not just that but doing so completely unrepentantly.

"...Ezra." The older Jedi growls out in what probably sounds a kark of a lot like a warning. The teenager doesn't even flinch in response, though. Just gazes across at Kanan baldly for a moment or two before shrugging his shoulders and speaking up again bluntly.

"I clearly remember making it plain on multiple occasions, Jarrus that I do not want to talk about this particular subject. As a wise man once put it, , ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

"You are just... Arghh! You are completely impossible sometimes, do you know that, Kid?" Kanan informs him after a long, frustrated second. "You..."

"Let me guess," Ezra interrupts him then, "I'm a pain in your ass? A snarky asshole. A trouble causing 'brat' who's all but cut from your nightmares?" Ezra quirks one of his eyebrows very knowingly. "Guilty as charged without shame on all three, Jarrus. Lucky for you, isn't it, that in not too much longer at all now, I'll finally be done with my Amalyn titter completely, at which point you'll finally be able to bounce my butt back immediately to my tower where I will hopefully annoy you all that much less."

'...The stubborn karking little banthashit.' Kanan: 0. Ezra: 1. Kanan clenches his jaw again, drawing in a deep breath or two slowly before exhaling again. "Don't you ever get tired of all this, Ezra?" He finally asks after another long moment, "Of all the diversions and the misdirection, I mean? Because it's got to be absolutely exhausting for you to keep up the game the way you do all the time- it certainly is just to hear it on my end. Don't you ever, I don't know, just want to try the truth and see where it actually leads?"

The boy raises an eloquent eyebrow, "Nowhere even remotely worth it, believe me. But I'm also calling foul here. You point out one time since we all first met, Kanan, that I haven't either chosen silence when you asked me about something that I didn't want to share or simply answered you so snarkily that you were well aware of what I was actually doing. I haven't lied to you outright, and you kriffing well know it.'

Kanan snorts softly at that particular assertion, "Lies of omission are still lies, Ezra. Honesty and authenticity are two very, very, different things."

The teenager only shrugs, his eyes flashing with a little anger all of his own, "Maybe so, Kanan, but being offered someone's help is also not the same thing as being entitled to all their secrets, since you've so obviously failed to get that particular memo repeatedly. You're not exactly spilling details far and wide about your own history either, I'll point out - so why are the'rules of privacy' somehow just magically different for me than you just because I happen to be a kid?"

'Because you are a kid!' Kanan wants to yell back at him in the moment, deeply frustrated. He doesn't do so though, because Kanan does understand that at least from Ezra's own perspective, his current argument is not only logical but also completely and utterly valid. Never mind the fact that survival after sudden abandonment in childhood and the actual attainment of adult maturity are two separate and very different sort of things. Not that Ezra fully grasps the distinction consider all of the years that it's been since the protection or provision of an actual adult has been anything but a distant memory for this kid.

"Force...and you're such a hypocrite concerning all of it, too. You act as if I'm the only one around here who's supposedly lying or otherwise skulking around behind other peoples' backs." Ezra scoffs aloud, "Let me tell you: if I'm the pot where that particular issue's concerned, then you're a full sized kettle right now, Kanan."

The older man jerks his head up then, taking an almost involuntary step closer, "And what the Sith Hells is that supposed to mean?!" He demands, gritting his teeth hard and tightening his hands into fists.

Ezra just raises an eloquent eyebrow in reply. "Hera." the younger Jedi says the name very, very bluntly. Calm and by all appearances completely unruffled as he says it.

Kanan just stands there for a moment, his fists clenching and loosening in automatic reaction.

Ezra takes a step of his own closer to Kanan, then. "I mean after all, how chatty exactly have you been concerning your own past with anyone at this point, Jarrus? Even though in Hera's case right now, the two of you are literally sharing a bed. So why in kark do I somehow owe you guys any more knowledge then you've already given her about your previous life , after knowing you all for less than three weeks at present!"

Kanan hauls back an instinctive arm then, in order to finally hit him, but then he lets it drop back down to his side again after a tense half of a second or so. He doesn't take the swing, even as badly as he really wants to at the moment because even as low as that particular blow had felt when it was delivered, he is at least trying to rise above - not to mention he's trying to be the actual adult in the room in all of their ongoing conversations. Which means that right now he can't afford to let himself get pushed into doing something like that by a kid who is all but actively begging for Kanan to actually hit him at the moment.

Because yes, Kanan is well aware right now that Ezra had wanted - if not outright *needed* - for Kanan to take that karking swing. To give him any kind of excuse at all to justify the distance that Ezra is currently trying to keep between himself and the rest of the world at the moment. What's the best way to put this? Ah yes... actions speak louder than words on every single day of the week.

If the teenager's current levela of dickishness are any kind of indicative measure of his ongoing success at slowly wearing down Ezra's defenses right now, then the kid had got to be kriffing terrified out of his mind by the ground that he loses each and every time he finally relaxes and leans forward instead of stepping further back like he actually means to. Which means that Kanan will not cede the moral high ground in a war that right now he's actually *winning.*

So he drops his arm back down to his side and takes in a deep breath, and lets it out again before he finally speaks, slowly and just a little bit coldly. "You're right Ezra. I am not automatically entitled to hear all your secrets. Nor is Hera deserving of such blatant or derisive disrespect, so watch your mouth when you mention her, Kid. Or better yet just entirely leave her out of the conversation."

Ezra goes deathly still for a second or so then, before his head suddenly jerks up - his eyes widening as if in sudden, horrified realization. "Okay…woah woah woah back it up there a moment, Kanan! Look, I'll freely admit that it is almost entirely on me, but the two of us a moment ago? Just *clearly* suffered a massive case of miscommunication. Nothing I said a moment ago was meant to be insulting at all to *Hera,* Kanan!"

Kanan just raises an eloquent eyebrow in reply to that then gestures with a hand for Ezra to continue, willing to give the Kid just enough rope right now to hang himself if that's what's necessary.

Ezra inhales then exhales several times, clearly choosing his next words very, very, very carefully. "Look - my acknowledging that you two are in fact an actual item - when the two of you clearly are to anyone who's not blind? That is not innately disrespectful, Kanan! Or it shouldn't be unless you're actually...I don't know, ashamed of it for some reason or something. Which if you are? Then you are a karking idiot, Kanan and no more needs to ever be said concerning the subject! I wasn't referring to you and Hera being together earlier when I accused you of also 'skulking around' okay?!"

And Force, Kanan notes, if the kid doesn't actually sound just a little bit insulted just by the very idea. The teenager meanwhile has continued on speaking, his hands flailing, "What I *was* insulting, Kanan, was your glaring double standard when it comes to your own vs other people's inherent right to privacy. Which we both know is more than justified at the moment!"

Well the kid definitely has Kanan there - well, at least on the surface of the issue, anyway. And Kriff - Kanan may have once naively believed that Ezra Bridger had only had two real modes: mouthy. semi irrational asshole or fairly reasonable, logical quiet kid. No such luck though, because it turns out that Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are in fact sharing the exact same damn skill set these days regardless of who happens to be in the driver's seat at any given moment.

Lucky Kanan. Oh well. At least it means at this point in his life that his days will probably never again get truly boring.

Still, Kanan has to at least say something in reply. He can't just cede the current argument in its entirety. "You know, you're still operating under one kark of a logical fallacy right now Kid, if you're really trying to convince me - or Sith, even just yourself at this point that my right - no my karking *ethical obligation* to be concerned about your welfare right now, is somehow morally less important than your supposed right to complete and total privacy."

Ezra groans in reply to that claim, running a frustrated hand back and through his hair, before responding. "Look, Kanan you don't owe me anything right now, okay? Or karking vice versa. There is, as you just so charmingly put it no 'ethical obligation' on your kriffing part regarding my welfare at the moment. You are absolved, forgiven, however you need to hear it put, of any guilt for what's happened to me so far or in regards to what might still happen. This weight that you're trying so hard to shrug onto your shoulders like a stupid karking martyr? Just let go and drop it already for force's sake's, Kanan!"

Kanan sighs very deeply in response to that particular statement, reaching up to rub at his forehead, almost unspeakably tired of this ongoing argument, "I hate to break this to you, Ezra, but the universe didn't exactly grant you the right to hand out that kind of moral clemency just out of hand. Like it or not we're all of us forced to face off with our own moral consciences on our own in the end. You might not like my views on the subject right now, Kid, but you also can't change them either, just learn to live with the reality of my personal ethics as best as you can. Because you aren't going to make me into someone other than who I am."

"I know who you are, Kanan." Ezra informs him then, very, very dryly.

Kanan just tilts his head in reply and studies him for a moment, "Do you really, Ezra? Because right now you sure don't seem to have a clue here. You haven't quite grasped the fact that as the literal 'Specter One' in the room, I'm also the person who's ultimately responsible for the consequences of everything that occurs before, during or after one of our missions. Whether those consequences just last for an hour, or ultimately change how all of us end up operating pretty much permanently."

"Oh for Kriffs sake, Kanan, it was one karking prisoner break?! I went into it freely and with my eyes wide open! I may be young, I'll admit, but I'm neither stupid nor unaware of the possible consequences of my decisions. I've got it covered all right, with or without you you! I'm fine and I'll be fine regardless of what happens!"

Kanan just looks at Ezra then for a very long moment - waiting for the almost inevitable falter that will have come if the kid is greeted with silence. Ezra doesn't drop his gaze though, instead his eyes turn strangely ancient for several long seconds before the fourteen year old speaks up again, the apparent confidence that he has in the words that he's speaking now draped around him like a cloak of eerie confidence. "Look, Kanan - I do get that you're all worried right now about my supposed 'drinking problem' all right? But the last month or two have been an outlier where my relationship to alcohol is concerned, not any real change of habit, and I'm all well aware that the Empire will probably be coming for me in the days ahead. As shocking as this may be for you to hear though, I can deal with that reality. I am preparing even as we speak. I have plenty of roads that I can take in order to deal with the ongoing situation. As strange as this may sound under the current circumstances, these past few weeks? Haven't even been all that strange for me, Kanan! Everybody else's blown to hell is pretty much my typical tuesday morning."

Kanan blinks at him for a long moment then, before arching an eyebrow in reply. Because he hadn't read a trace of lie from Ezra in that particular comment. And seriously, what in the kriff. Ezra replies by all but flailing his hands in sheer exasperation. "Look I'm not claiming that it's always the greatest sort of life in the day to day, okay? Because if I did truly think that, then I'd deserve a room at the nearest local asylum. Nevertheless I'm dealing with it. I have definite plans of the kind that that involve me hauling my ass off of kriffing Lothol and toward far greener pastures just as soon as I possibly can."

"...Off planet to where exactly, Ezra?" Kanan frowns then, unsettled by this new burst of sudden information.

"Not sure yet, really. I'm going to start by trying to track down one of my Master's old war years buddies. A guy who goes by the name Rex. I have a pretty good feeling from the stories that I've been told about him over the years that he's the type who would be more than happy to shelter me for as short or long as necessary if I can just manage to locate actually him first. Before I actually find him though, I also have a few last bits of business to deal with on Lothal first."

"Such as?" Kanan doesn't really expect the younger man to answer his question, truthfully, which is why he's more than a little bit surprised when Ezra actually shrugs his shoulders in reply and gestures with one of his hands off to the east of The Ghost. "Well for one thing, Kanan, I need to at least try and replace my lightsaber. As I already said, my old one is lost - probably irrecoverably - at the moment."

Kanan draws up short at that, crossing his arms automatically over his chest. "And you plan to do this how exactly, Ezra?" A lighter saber crystal and various parts are not exactly common - and Kanan would've karking well sensed the presence of a kyber crystal in Ezra's tower when he visited there several weeks ago. Well unless Ezra has been taught some way of hiding said crystal literally on his person.

Kanan stretches out with the Force then - searching for any kind of hint of just that, only for Ezra to stiffen up in response to the act and take an immediate step back "Woah...enough already! No I am not currently carrying around a loose kyber crystal somewhere on my person, Kanan! For kriff's sake do I look suicidal?! Muchless stupidly crazy? Look, there's a temple out in the direction I just gestured, okay, which I intend to try and visit one more time before I leave Lothol once I've finally finished up my Amalyn. I just need to fix up my speeder first before I go, seeing as how it's a multiple day trip just to get out there, and I don't usually fly it anywhere near that kind of actual distance."

Kanan blinks, hard, then raises a hand to prevent any further flood of words, at least for the time being. "Wait a minute. Hold on. You are saying that there is an actual Jedi Temple here on Lothol, Ezra?" Kanan repeats slowly, blinking repeatedly hard in reaction. "On an Imperially occupied planet? That the Empire hasn't already located, barricaded or otherwise looted?"

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders, "Well to be fair it's very old and it's well hidden, Kanan ...not to mention hard to open, while we're honestly covering the subject, " Ezra spreads his hands. "It basically looks just like a typical Lotholian mountain peak out in the middle of nowhere when you first pass over it from above. You probably wouldn't find it at all in most cases, unless you knew to actually be looking..."

"But you know where it is somehow?" Kanan asks him then, tilting his head, his hands on his hips, his eyes intense and curious.

The dark haired teenager nods, "Yeah. Because my own master and I visited there a couple of times during the time after I met him." Ezra shrugs a, "It wasn't exactly what I'd call a regular day trip for the two of is or anything, no but under the current circumstances I figured that I should at least try to pay the place one last visit, since once I do leave planet I expect to be away for a couple of years at the very minimum."

Kanan studies Ezra silently then, working his jaw all the while. So then this kid really does have an actual plan in play to see to his own defense, then. Just not the kind that he's apparently been open about sharing with the rest of them up until now. He honestly isn't sure if hearing that births more relief, regret or resentment in him at the moment. Because on one hand a plan - kark any kind of plan at all on Ezra's part- is a whole lot more kriffing reassuring to Kanan the than the idea of the kid just waiting around passively here on Lothal for the ISF arrive. On the other hand though, even after less than two weeks of them actually knowing him, the idea of Ezra Bridger just wandering off into the Galaxy at large as he's some kind a slightly better armed than usual misplaced puppy leaves something in his subconscious mind literally screaming out in urgent warning.

Ezra out there on his own. Ezra out there with anyone other then them. Items number one and two on list number two: which is currently titled 'Completely Unacceptable Things.' Kanan's honestly a little disturbed by the ever growing intensity of his ongoing gut level reaction.

'Talking about it isn't the same thing as actually doing it.' He reminds himself. "You just said that you are going to 'try' and visit this temple before you leave planet, Ezra?" Kanan repeats these words back after a moment, frowning thoughtfully at Ezra's choice of phrasing.

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders in reply. "Well to be fair I have no clue right now if I can even successfully get inside at this point in time, Kanan. I mean it always took two people in order to access the structure up until now, but the only other option that I seem to have right now is to not try at all and still fail for lack of really risking anything. If I do go out there right now, then I figure that there's at least a passing shot that I'll be allowed to enter the temple again and trial for a functional weapon. Which seems like a reasonably intelligent risk to take on my part, consider who exactly we both know right now are likely already heading in our direction. I just figure that under the current circumstances, what I stand to gain by taking the risk is equal to anything else that I might end up losing.

"Yeah that's one way of putting it, Ezra." Kanan snorts back at him softly. Because yes - the kid getting his own lightsaber again would be almost indescribably helpful for Ezra in securing his own safety, especially if Ezra's as talented in a saber's use as he is with the rest of his force gifts. "Here's a brilliant idea for you, Kid. Do you want me along for company when you do go out to visit the Temple?"

Ezra blinks at Kanan hard in response to that particular suggestion. Twice. Rolling his eyes heavenward the older Jedi speaks up again, very slowly and simply almost as if he's in the presence of a particularly dim or particularly dense sort of company. "You know, since as you just said yourself Ezra, it generally takes two people at a time to successfully get inside of said Temple and there are in fact two of us Jedi now actually present. It seems to me like reasonably intelligent way to do things..."

The younger man, interesting doesn't even bother to actively protest the designator of Jedi this time. "Yeah, sure... that would probably work okay, " Ezra finally allows, after a brief, internalized debate with himself that's so karking fierce that Kanan can literally see the mental grapple currently occurring behind the younger man's eyes, even though he frustratingly has no real understanding of its greater context..

Kanan nods and spreads wide both of his hands, "Well all right then, Ezra, I guess that it's settled. Once you're all tittered off of your Amalyn we'll head out there together. I'll even talk to Hera in the meantime about whether or not the two of us can just borrow the Phantom for a day or two so that we won't have to make the trip out there by speeder if it's several day's trip. And in the meantime, Ezra if you want a chance to brush up on your skills, then you are more than welcome borrow my own saber for a couple hours every day just to get yourself back in the practice of regular drilling." Kanan pauses for a moment or two then, carefully considering the subject further, "Force...for that matter, Kid, the two of us should both probably try and knock the dust of our sparring skills with some old-fashioned pairs practice if I can track down some training staffs that we can use as well. Because it's been far, far too karking long at this point, since I've had the chance to practice like you can with another member of the Order. Right now it's not like we can't both use the chance for a little more practice."

Ezra works his jaw for a moment or two in response to that idea, once again clearly debating his various options. And Force, Kanan thinks, but the kid's mind feels like a three day hurricane at the moment. Who in the kark gets so conflicted about the idea of just engaging in a simple round or two of light saber or hand to hand practice? And why? As a padawan himself Kanan had always been particularly fond of exactly that sort of offer himself - if only because it also usually represented the chance for a desperately needed release of accumulated energetic tension.

Then again... Kanan tilts his head a little quizzically then, studying the teenager curiously for several long seconds before finally speaking up softly, "What's wrong, Kid...? Before he died did you never spar with your own master all that often?"

"Not all that frequently, at least toward the end, no. Things with work were always too hectic to really take that kind of time..." The teenager pauses for a moment as if he's about to say something more than that, and then he just shrugs his shoulders. "We mainly focused our attention on more practical things like completing our missions without dying."

'No joy in the skill left at all then.' Kanan notes to himself silently, "Well unless you're planning on giving it up the skill set entirely now, Ezra...which seems suicidal, considering who's likely on all of our tails at the moment, you're going to have to get back up and on to the horse again sooner or later. I really think that it'll do us both real good to stretch ourselves at least a little. Not to even mention that it'll make me feel a kriff of a lot better to actually see just how competent you really are in your own self defense with a saber before we have to deal with actual attackers showing up."

And just like that Ezra's expression suddenly twitches, his head jerking upwards, the teenager's expression stubbornly alight with something Kanan can only describe as hope. "And if I do agree to spar with you like you've just requested I do, Kanan, and if I can demonstrate my competency with a lightsaber to you when I do so, then will that finally be enough for you and the others to finally back off concerning your ongoing recruitment obsession? Will something like that be enough proof that I can tell you that I can in fact take care of myself and have you finally *kriffing believe me?*"

Kanans sighs and crosses his arms over his chest, reminding himself as he does so that he shouldn't even be surprised at the abrupt shift back to this apparently never ending topic. "Will it shut me up about the topic completely? No, it won't Ezra. Because I still have more questions that I need actual answers to Kid, before I can just back off concerning the issue with any kind of clean conscience. Not to even mention the fact I don't speak for Hera or any of the others - who are also involved in this - I only mediate during whole group agreements."

Ezra sighs, dropping his chin almost immediately down to his chest again in response, his whole body tight and clearly frustrated by the older Jedi's reply. "Then no. I don't have any desire to karking spar with you, Kanan."

Kanan shifts on his feets, frowning. "Why not exactly?"

"Because I said *no,* Jarrus. If you don't like my terms for a spar then that's fine, but it's also a game that I get to opt out of playing. Since you know I generally don't take orders as opposed to requests."

Except it isn't just a game really - and the both of them know it- Kanan acknowledges a little grimly. His asking Ezra for a true demonstration of the the younger man's defensive skills isn't unreasonable at all of Kanan under the current circumstances. Which also doesn't change the fact the kid just slammed all his proverbial access doors shut and then welded the frames closed in instinctive, frustrated reaction. Now if Kanan can just manage to figure out why his answer provoked such a strong overreaction concurrently...

'Ezra revealing too much of himself too fast, only to get nothing back for that vulnerability maybe?' After all, Kanan's well aware at this point how much that the younger Jedi had just uncovered himself emotionally in the past few minutes only to get his hopes utterly crushed in return. Kanan considers the teenager's self-protective body language for another moment or so, before speaking up with a counteroffer he hopes will be decently conciliatory.

"How about a possible counteroffer for you instead, Kid? Spar with me at least once Ezra, so that I can actually get a feel for what you're capable of in a real fight, and afterwards , I promise you that in return I will be completely honest with the others concerning your self defensive capability. And not only that but I'll do my best to also arrange a wide moratorium on the subject of you joining up as Specter crew for at least a couple weeks."

Said moratorium won't actually change the other Specters minds about the subject, Kanan knows, but it will at least give the kid a temporary break from all the ongoing badgering - which has probably hit the point it's blatantly counterproductive to their goals instead of helping the ongoing situation.

"A month." Ezra shoots back at him instantly, his hands clenching defensively into fists at his side. "I will agree to spar with you in return for a full kriffing month of silence concerning the topic, and not a single day less than that, Kanan. More than that, I'll even agree to come and visit you all from time to time once I'm done tittering down of the Amalyn and get back to my 'real life' if in return you all agree to *stop karking stalking me.*"

Kanan sighs, because here they go again, "For the thousandth time, we aren't stalking you presently, Ezra."

"Banthakriff. A month. Now, do we have a deal concerning the subject or do we not not? Because that's my absolute bottom line right now, Jarrus, if you want to spar with me right now. "

Kanan cocks his head to one side, considering the offer for a long moment . "Define 'from time to time,' Ezra."

"Three days out of seven. You're the ones who are all so obsessed with feeding me Kanan, so we'll just say that I'll stop by around lunchtime or shortly before that on the days I visit after I finish up my morning 'shift.' That way I still have the rush hours before and after breakfast and supper to work in the markets and you'll also still see me semi-regularly and know that I'm adequately eating."

Kanan considers this offer for a moment or so, then he makes another counter offer, "Five days out of seven, Ezra. With your visit times kept variant according to the weather and whether or not it's the weekend. Some days just won't be suited for early morning pick-pocketing and weekend holidays can be a goldmine in the evenings, so you'll actually have more flexibility under that agreement."

"Four days out of seven. Variant hours as you just described are otherwise acceptable, Jarrus. Don't get too greedy, though - as shocking as it may be for you to actually hear me say this, I am entitled to take a little 'me time' occasionally. Besides that's a lot of extra walking you're talking about so casually when it's going to be on top of the hours that I'll be on the job. Or are you *trying* to leave me fall down exhausted deliberately?

Kanan chews his lip for another long moment - considering the others' likely various levels of objection to this particular agreement vs his own ability to ignore, cajole or otherwise over rule them in order to get what Ezra's just asked for, and than he nods his head in agreement. "You have yourself a deal, Ezra...well, pending joint agreement from the others of course, before the two of us finally shake on the arrangement officially."

"Well I'll be kneeling on it technically, Kanan, " Ezra corrects the older man, making the standard Lotholian one kneed bow of the accord in almost thoughtless, automatic demonstration. "You're on Lothal now, remember?" Ezra draws himself upright again then, lifts his head to re-establish eye contact and points a sharp warning finger. "And just so you know, Jarrus, I don't spar - or grapple, or anything else even remotely like it until after said arrangement is both agreed upon and acknowledged by all of the others as well either verbally or on karking paper. So don't think for even a minute that in the interim Kanan, you're somehow gaming anything more than that out of me."

"Yes, because I'm the one who is clearly trying to game you, Ezra." Kanan shoots back, with a only half restrained growl bubbling up in his throat, his tone heavy with exasperation and more than just a little bit of genuine frustration.

Ezra only shrugs back at him, completely unapologetic, "I'm only extending you guys the exact same amount of respect and courtesy right now, that the rest of you extended to me. So forgive me for not caring if that makes you feel a little bit cranky."

'Now that's just banthakriff.' Kanan all but gowls, resisting the urge for the moment at least to reach out his hands and literally head smack the stubborn teen in response. "We made you a job offer, Ezra...That's all. Hera's simply offered you a place among the Specters and we've been helping you treat your healing psychic injuries, and none of which should be taken as even remotely insulting..."

"Oh I would normally agree with you in most cases, Kanan: offering someone else a job is a compliment most of the time. Right up until the point at which they very politely and clearly said *no* and then the rest of you all seemed to forget in tandem what that word actually *means.*"

Ezra scoffs very softly one more time, before ultimately simply turning away from Kanan again, shifting over and onto his side. Deliberately pulling his blanket up and around his shoulder, as if it he hopes that it will work as some kind of armor between the two of them. "I suppose that to be fair I could always try saying it again in another couple of kriffing languages." Ezra grumbles out after another couple of seconds, not even bothering to roll back over face him, " ...Maybe one of you is actually multilingual enough to grasp the concept and then explain it to the rest of you via karking pidgin sign or something."

And kriff, Kanan thinks after a long frustrated minute, looking at the tightly curled up form on the bed now doing his best to simply ignore him, if something doesn't give soon one of these day's he's going to end up kicking this kid right in the ass. Because Ezra Bridger just doesn't seem to grasp how or when to give it a rest - even during the fights they engage in that he's technically winning. He just goes right on pushing them both closer to an invisible, unavoidable edge.

Kanan Jarrus has - as general rule at least - never been a big fan of corporal punishment. Mostly because in his own experience there have always been better options Lately, though, he's been ...unusually tempted , when Ezra's particularly playing on on his nerves or testing the bonds of his patience. Which honestly? Has forced Kanan into spending more than one evening of prolonged meditation actively brooding over the topic trying to make sense of his actual views on teachings vs his newer set of emerging parenting instincts.

All which has led Kanan toward some useful if really no less frustrating clarity about both Ezra himself and he and Ezra's current situation. Because believe it or not? Kanan Jarrus is pretty karking sure at this point in his life that his real problem right now isn't that Ezra Bridger is too cynical, or too bright or to snarky. Force, it isn't really even just the plain and simple fact that the boy's clearly kriffed up relationship with his previous master have horribly damaged Ezra's ability to trust authority figures. Though yes, Kanan's currently well aware that all of the above are probably playing into the battle of wills that the two of them are locked into on a daily basis at the moment.

No Ezra's - and therefore jointly Kanan's - real problem right now basically comes down to what all that snark and self-defensiveness Ezra keeps flinging at him is actually masking. And that is a literal riptide of internalized fear, betrayal and and other long repressed emotion. Ezra Bridger, to put it all very simply, has been so badly traumatized by some of his previous childhood experiences - including both the life that he'd shared with his previous master and the earlier loss of his parents - that he won't or can't open himself up anymore in certain topics to other people's help or even opinions. Ezra flat out refuses at the moment to let anyone else close enough that he might start to need them. And as a result the kid has literally welded certain doorways in his mind shut as best he can -most likely because the kid has subconsciously convinced himself at this point that if he ever actually lets himself acknowledge how he actually feels about what's happened to him that he'll only immediately get sucked under permanently - caught up in the ever-present riptide of his unacknowledged grief.

Ezra Bridger, very bluntly stated, has come to the conclusion at some point over the past few month that when facing a clearly lose-lose choice between unending loneliness and even more unbearable loss of that kind which he's already experienced, that isolation is actually probably the more survivable option.

And until the Kid's defenses finally crumble under the sheer pressure of how much weight he has building up behind them- until Ezra finally either willingly or unwillingly cracks the wall and starts letting even fraction of said grief or terror out and into the real world, the the kid's just going to keep right on emotionally asphyxiating himself deliberately over and over again.

And in the meantime? Well Kanan actually attempting to spank the poor kid - or to do anything else like that in order to try and temporarily reign in some of Ezra's current venting patterns - might well force the kid to minimize his inappropriate behaviors for a little while yes, but it won't rip out the heart of the problem. It will if anything actually *accelerate* Ezra's oncoming collapse while at the same time severely limiting Kanan's capacity after to step in and actually comfort him afterward. Which Kanan's pretty sure at this point is what the teenager is going to most desperately need from him at the moment.

In the meantime though, even ironic as it sounds, Kanan doesn't need Ezra Bridger less snarky than he is right now. He needs Ezra *more* snarky. Or more accurately stated Kanan needs the kid to finally get angry. To let himself get really and truly "enraged* about what's happened to him over the course of the past eight years. Because when push comes to shove, all that Ezra Bridger's snark really is at its core is the phantom limb of both Ezra's rage and his grief.

The real trick, Kanan's ultimately realized, is going to be figuring out how he can use that fact against the teenager to corral Ezra until the younger man finally does blow his top. As well as to use the trait to catalyze the coming meltdown if he can do so. He needs to get the Kid truly angry enough to finally push Ezra *past* the Sith damned emotional kill switch that keeps letting the teenager walk away *just before* Ezra actually falls into that emotional whirlpool that he's currently got locked away so desperately inside of him.

Kanan basically needs to make Ezra Bridger *too karking angry* for him to effectively fall back on a coping mechanism as minor as mere sarcasm anymore. Someone needs to drag the stubborn kid over to that whirlpool of his own unaddressed emotions and then if possible basically drop kick him in.

Just long enough for the kid to realize they've already got a life preserver waiting.

And probably the best way for Kanan to accomplish that right now, he acknowledges, is for the older Jedi to just keep right on doing exactly what he has been doing so far: verbally and emotionally pushing the kid as hard and as often as he possibly can. Perhaps, with the added stimulus of some physical challenge thrown in there as well, just to heighten the physical and emotional inter-connections.

Kanan in short, needs to basically out-asshole Ezra Bridger. He needs to out maneuver the force damned kid for his own damn good and force the necessary emotional wall break. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky him.

And yes, Kanan thinks, sighing deeply as he stares at Ezra's now board stiff shoulders, he had meant that last bit to be taken as another deliberate use of sarcasm.


	6. Playing the Board You're That You're Given (Updated)

"What do you mean that he's just *gone?*" Hera's voice is sharp and alarmed as she looks up from her place at the round galley table. Zeb just shrugs, his face still groggy from sleep, his voice gruff with concern even as he answers her question, "I mean that the Kit's not currently in the bathroom, Hera. Or in Medbay, or anywhere else that I've gone looking for him on the Karabast ship. I'm pretty sure that he popped smoke on us - either late, late last night or sometime early this morning after he'd finally slept off the last of the effects of his latest round of medication."

"But... But *how?* Zeb!" Hera snaps already rising up and onto her feet. "I mean, I thought that the agreement between the rest of us was that one of the four of us would always be keeping at least half of an eye on him? He's outnumbered five to one right now, for kriff sake! Not to even mention that Ezra was practically falling asleep on his feet last night by the time that he and I actually sat down and shared some dinner! It shouldn't have been that difficult of a thing for any of us to keep track of him under the circumstances!"

Zeb just shrugs, "Like I just said, don't look at me, Hera. The last few days now I've mostly had the early morning shift, remember? Me 'n the kid have sorta fallen into a pattern of sorts. He eats and then he goes to clean up, while I usually do the exact opposite. I noticed today that I hadn't bumped into him like normal by the time that I got finished cleaning up in the shower though, so I decided to take a tray over to Medbay. I know that the kid's Amalyn is still on a mostly consistent schedule these days and that if he doesn't eat a decent amount before his bolus, then his gut ends up gurky. I didn't want him to have to pick between showering and eating if he'd accidentally overslept."

"And he was just gone when you got there, you're saying, Zeb?" Kanan is also climbing out of his own chair and heading out into the hallway, the Ghost's pilot all but directly at his heels even as the older Jedi instinctively reaches out for Ezra's own force signature, trying to grasp for a solid feel of the kid's normally well shielded presence Apparently, though the teenager is currently nowhere near the ship.

Hera's voice is tight with worry as the two of them move together through the still dim hallways toward Ezra's temporary bedroom in the medlab. "Kanan..." Her voice is low and anxious, "Please tell me that you didn't end up successfully bullying Ezra into taking more morphine last night before he crashed like you did before he had his supper…" It's quite clear that she's worried right now from her expression about the possibility that Ezra's outside The Ghost and sleep walking.

Kanan's look is equally grim with that particular possibility even as he glances over at her, his jaw stiff and tense. "There was no need for me to bully him into doing anything this time around, Hera. Ezra didn't even try to protest the meds, he was hurting so badly before he crashed. To be fair, we'd been working together all afternoon attempting to perform some psychic clean up around the link site via some vocally guided meditation. Not that we actually accomplished much of anything. Ezra swore up and down initially that it was working for him just fine but just he looked so force damned awful after a relatively short period of trying, that I finally made him stop and let me run a scan or two on him in Medbay, and as it turned out both his cortisol and his adrenaline levels were randomly falling and spiking. Not only that, but his breathing and heart rate were way, way too fast. We'd clearly been trying to do too much far too fast so I told him to just give it a rest and later we'd try it again. I not only gave him morphine after that, Hera I actually kicked his Amalyn back up one full level before he finally started showing a decrease in his overall symptoms. We're not going to be trying that particular healing method again any time soon, he's not ready for it very clearly."

Hera's expression is grim, "So then what you're saying Kanan is that Ezra was given both a high dose of morphine as well as a higher then regular bolus of Amalyn last night and then just what...left to sleep it off all on his own? Even after he outright *warned us* when he first came back aboard The Ghost that he has a history of the former causing him to hallucinate sometimes - not to mention wander off on occasion when he's still asleep?"

"No, of course not, Hera." Kanan's voice is just on the edge of defensive when he actually replies, "I checked on him regularly from when he first crashed out right after supper every half an hour or so right up until just before I finally went to bed myself around eleven o'clock or so, at which point Chopper was supposed to take over the guard duty and stay the night in Medbay with him. Ezra hadn't even so much as rolled over in his sleep by that point in time, Hera. He was still as the dead all evening, frankly speaking."

Hera winces at that particular analogy... "Next time pick a less worrying phrasing when explaining that please, love." Then the two of them are striding together through the Medbay's still open entrance. "Hey Zeb," Hera yells back over her right shoulder, "Please find Chopper and tell him that I want to talk to him as soon as possible! Now please!" Moments later an affirmative call echoes back.

Most of Ezra's things are still present in the Medbay - at least as far as Kanan can see right now anyway- though the teenager's boots are gone at the moment and so is his notepad and pack of sketching pencils that Sabine had supplied the teenager with several days ago when Ezra had first started feeling awake enough during the daytime hours to start getting restless. Ezra's data-pad is still there as well, on the low tray beside the med-bed, as is the small, apparently no longer malfunctioning power converter that Hera had found in one of the markets earlier in the week and brought back to Ezra in order to see if the challenge of repairing it if he could would help keep the fourteen year old's mind and hands busy.

There is, unsurprisingly, no former Jedi Padawan anywhere to be seen at the moment.

Ezra's extra set and a half of clothes - which they'd brought back to him here after their trip out to the Tower - are still all here as well. They're stacked up in a pile on one of the room's low end tables, just like they'd been ever since they'd first been washed and delivered to Ezra by Hera. Both Ezra's day-pack and his hand operated energy slingshot are currently nowhere in evidence though, and Kanan can't keep from frowning deeply in reaction. Is that truly the only protection that the journeying (and possibly sleeping-walking?) teenager had opted to bring out along with him when he'd headed off The Ghost wandering?

"You're absolutely sure that he was with Chopper all of last night, Kanan?"

"Yes. Or he was supposed to be anyway. And I also specifically told Chopper to keep a close eye on him, Hera, and to come get me right away if Ezra woke up again in pain or he needed any other kind of ongoing medical assistance."

"And did you also bother to specify to Chopper that he should also come and get you right away if Ezra woke up seemingly cognizant in the middle of the night and then decided to go on a random walkabout outside for almost no apparent reason? Did you make sure that he understood the nature of sleepwalking before you finally went off to bed, Kanan?"

Sith hells. No. Kanan hadn't. Which means that he's a kriffing idiot. "We need to track down Chopper then, and find out exactly when Ezra actually left the ship, Hera. Though," He glances down at his own chrono for a moment or so, "His next dose of Amalyn technically isn't supposed to be for another hour or so. Maybe Ezra really did just wake up earlier this morning and felt well enough at the time that he just decided to…I don't know, head out to his tower and then back here again before his next bolus was actually due? He was jonesing for his Tower something awful during the last couple of times that the two of us were talking about that particular subject, Hera."

"Kanan - Ezra's been far too worn out in the past few days to safely go *anywhere* on his own. Kriff even just his going down to the market the other morning with the rest of us was almost too much for him at the time. He was literally dozing on and off all the way back to the Ghost on the speeder that the two of you were sharing afterward. He *should not* be making a trip all the way out to the Tower before sunrise on his own!"

"I know that, Hera..."

"One of us would have taken him over there on a speeder first thing this morning, Kanan if he'd just asked us to. Or kriff, it's been awhile since we relocated the ship. If he'd just have asked me I probably would have flown Ezra over there no question at the same time I reberthed the ship. Yet up and off he goes on his own in the middle of the night like a kriffing lunatic !"

"*Like I just said, I know that, Hera.* He soothes.

"He doesn't even own a communicator of his own at this point, Kanan! How in kark under the circumstanced are we supposed to locate him!?" Hera's voice is rising steadily by degrees with every word now. She's somewhere between plain old indignant and seriously panicked. "For that matter why has he not just been issued a comm from our own stores by now, Love, or been implanted with...with a kriffing tracking chip or something!?"

"Hera, look calm down we'll find him, I promise you..."

"How Kanan!?"

"I don't really know yet." He snaps back automatically. "And I'm certainly not going to be able to come up with any ideas how to do it either, Hera, if you won't slow down long enough to give me a second or two to actually think about it."

"He is...he is so karking *grounded* when we actually find him, Kanan!" Hera swears aoud. "I mean what in the kriff is he thinking?! Out wandering around in the middle of the night like, like he's a…"

"Like he's a what, Hera?! A fourteen year old loth-rat who's just spent the better part of the past eight years accountable no one and nothing except a Master who didn't even care about him enough in return to make sure that he ate, slept or studied on a regular basis? Yes, he's clearly not your typical teenager, Hera. And given all of that as a larger backdrop, how dare he!"

That seems to cut off Hera's building rant at the pass, at least for the time being, anyway. She inhales and exhales several times in a row, rubbing at her temples before finally speaking a little more softly. "Where the kriff is Chopper? He should at least be here by now." She presses a finger to the ship wide comm. "Chopper to the Medbay. Now! We need to speak to you please!"

The is no reply from the droid, not even after another three minutes. Kanan raises an eyebrow "Maybe he's in standby somewhere charging?"

"More likely he knows that he's in trouble at the moment and so he's hiding." Hera braces herself against the wall beside the comm panel, inhaling and exhaling three more times in a row, clearly still struggling to reign in her temper. When she lifts her head again to look at him again her eyes are both fierce and wet bright. "Seriously Kanan, last time it may have only taken an hour or two in order for you to actually track him down, but that was mostly luck – you said so yourself. If he's not at his tower right now, Love, then how in kriff are we actually going to find him?"

"Don't go borrowing trouble, Hera." Kanan soothes her one more time, "He could come strolling back in here any minute now for his next dose of Amalyn, okay, like he just went out to the corner store and then back again."

"And if he doesn't? If he really was sleepwalking when he left and then he ran into trouble? Or if he's actually trying to pop smoke like he was joking about with Zeb and Sabine when he first came aboard the ship?"

"Then we'll find him, Hera. He's stuck on foot for right now, remember? There are physical limits how on far and how far he can go at this point - at least initially."

"And if he just up and jacked himself a kriffing speeder, Kanan?"

"Then said speeder sure as kark isn't fast enough to outrun The Ghost. Not in a real chase, Hera. Not to even mention that I have a pretty good idea, right now if he ever bolted, the first couple of places he'd be most likely go. If Ezra really felt the need to just take off with literally no warning while also leaving so many useful and hard to replace items permanently behind him."

Hera stands up from where she's leaning on the wall then, cocking her head as she studies him critically for a moment. "You really don't think that he's bolting right now, do you?" She tilts her head a little to one side,looking at him almost conversationally as she speaks.

Kanan just shrugs his shoulders, "Oh I'm not saying that he hasn't wanted to do so occasionally…but like we both know, Ezra's smart, Hera. Smart enough that he's got to know that he'll only get one real chance at bolting if he actually does so. And so said chance better be one kark of a good one. He's not even fully tittered off of his Amalyn yet. I really think that Ezra probably just went home for a little while, Hera, because he's been so homesick for so long. Force, Hera at this point he's also technically entitled to do so whenever he karking well wants to whenever he's not actively being dosed... at least by he and I's current standing agreement."

"Agreement?" Hera repeats with a sharply raised eyebrow. Then her smile turns distinctly dangerous. "Precisely *what* agreement, Kanan?"

Kanan, pauses, trying not to squirm under her gaze as she glares at him fiercely. Because yes, he knows full well that Hera isn't going to like this next bit at all. Which is why he'd avoided sharing it so far. Because discussing it hadn't yet been technically necessary..."Look, he and I agreed way back at the start of his current course of Amalyn treatments that Ezra would only be staying with us on the Ghost overnight until after we reached the once a day stage of his tittering down process…at which point Ezra was free to come and go off the ship whenever he saw fit so long as he also got his drug dosage regularly.'"

"Kanan Jarrus!" Hera all but snarls back in reply to that particular burst of new information.

Kanan just spreads his hands apart, a little helpless, "Look, we agreed to treat his broken psi-link, Hera, not to incarcerate him, when he's done nothing wrong at this point ..."

"Other than take up repeat intoxication as a childhood hobby?!" Hera all but immediately yells back. "Karabast, Kanan it's dropping below thirty degrees out there some nights right now! His kriffing tower has no working heat at the moment!"

"And he knows that just as well as we do, Hera - kark probably even better, considering just how long he's lived out there on his own. But it's still his decision to make, Hera, and we can't make it for him ultimately!"

"Then how in kark are we any better than his former Master was, Kanan? I mean if we're not even holding our ground concerning our insistence on him maintaining even the basics? How in kark is it not child neglect if he's still out there all alone and sleeping half frozen?"

"The difference now is that for the first time since his parents were taken away from him now Ezra's got a choice, Hera! He can sleep here or he can sleep there, and so far, for the most part anyway, he's been making his decisions wisely. I remind you that we officially started tittering him once a day over *five days ago* now, and yes while you are right that he's still mostly way too weak and dizzy to safely go out there and pickpocket on his own Ezra also hasn't muttered a single word yet about actually leaving the Ghost even so. Either because he just plain doesn't want to go but doesn't want to admit it just yet or because he at least mostly recognizes his own better interests!"

Hera shoots him a completely unimpressed look in response to that particular claim and he shrugs his shoulders wryly. "Well prior to his current little late night excursion, quite obviously. But what I am saying right now, Hera, is that there has been slow but subtle progress for days now as a result of the way we've consistently given him choices and then trusted him to actually make them."

Hera purses her lips in acknowledgement of that point, shut her eyes for a moment, and then she lets out a frustrated little hiss and opens her eyes up again. "Kark, Kanan: I get sick to my stomach right now just thinking about Ezra out there on his own after dark for even a couple of hours at a time. And you and I have only known him for slightly more than three weeks now. Why…how in Force could someone who actually knew Ezra – and interacted with him on any kind of regular basis just be okay with *four years* of him living this way previously?"

Kanan sighs, "Don't ask me like I somehow know the answer, Hera. Because I sure as Force Hell don't. Look…I'm pretty karking sure at this point that the man in question must have been at best a semi-functional sociopath – and probably also a highly charismatic narcissist. No other member of the Order that I can think of would have felt so little concern about Ezra's overall survival just thanks to their kriffing force willed training link. What's even worse the man clearly also saw Ezra mainly as a tool meant to be kept up on a corner shelf until he was needed and when he wasn't to just be put back there thoughtlessly again. What's worse? Ezra apparently saw that as normal and acceptable for him to do, Hera. Kriff the kid has as much as admitted at this point that he regularly helped his master to 'pay the bills' in the day to day of life. Which honestly just makes me want to cuss a blue streak considering how underfed Ezra obviously remained even despite it. It seriously burns like Sith right now knowing how much that asshole still seems to hold Ezra's heart even now . I just wanted to resurrect the asshole and kick him right in the balls myself right now, truthfully." "

"You really think that he still does, Kanan...love and miss the man that much, I mean ?" Hera asks the question after another moment or so, lifting an eloquent eyebrow in response to that claim.

"Yes, he does, Hera. Because like it or not it's still all right there in the grieving." Kanan drags a hand down over his face then. "I mean, Sith Hells... Ezra weeps some nights in his sleep, Hera - did you know that? His pain wakes me up when he does but it doesn't even wake him up anymore he's so used to just living with it constantly. Don't even get me started on how kriffing awful he looks either, when he dreams. He doesn't make a sound when it's happening either, but Force it's clear that his Master's loss is still regularly gutting him on a level that I really can't even adequately put into words. I mean sometimes it's almost as if, I don't know..." Kanan sighs then he shakes his head, letting the words die off almost helplessly

"It's almost as if what, Kanan?" Hera's eyes narrow even as she looks at him insistently...

"It's almost as if he's somehow losing him over and over and over again, Hera. It's like it's a forced damn recurring trauma as often as the old link starts randomly throbbing at strange unpredictable intervals and then wound in question seems to just crack open and bleed." Kanan slumps, helpless against the wall then, " I just wish to kriff that he'd actually let me into his head to help him, Hera. I mean, I could probably do so much more to help him with the pain and the damage then he could ever do all on his own, Hera, if he would just trust me enough for us to do some actual joint meditating."

Hera's face softens in reply to that, even as she reaches out to squeeze him on his upper arm with one of her hands, "Maybe you ought to suggest that offer to him again, Love before he tries to go it alone next time you work on clean up or repair, Kanan. Especially if as you just said, he ends up doing himself way more harm then good trying to fly solo. I mean he's self protective yes, but he's clearly starting to like you, and he's not stupid just stubborn, Kanan."

"You know that's probably not a bad idea at this point." Kanan acknowledges after a moment or so of silence. "I'll have another round with him concerning that particular subject when he gets back on board later today." Assuming of course, Kanan acknowledges, that he's right and Ezra hasn't in fact just outright run away.

"Yeah, well before said conversation, Kanan, do me a favor and also give him one of our team communicators for him to use for the indefinite future all right? It can be one of the older ones if that's all that he'll take at this point, and make it a barter in exchange for his work on the repaired power converter that I brought to him earlier if you have to do so. Just…make kriffing sure that he actually takes and then uses it while he is with us all right? For the purposes of proving he's not dead when he just up and disappears. You can tell him my blood pressure will consider it a close personal favor on his part."

Kanan snorts softly, "Will do, Hera."

"I'm definitely also going to be talking to him when he returns to The Ghost about his less than stellar guest manners, Kanan. Because honestly - he couldn't even leave a note before he left to say where he was going or when he'd be back?"

Which is precisely and ironically the moment when Kanan finally shifts just enough to look down and finally notice the small slip of paper that's fallen from off of the top of the medical examination table and into the dark shadow underneath its four metal legs.

"Uhm… hold onto that particular thought for a minute or so, would you Hera..." He stoops to pick the paper up, noting the choppy handwriting even as he flips it over to read it. Kriff but the kid's basic script is an absolute mess. They're really going to have to work on that at some point. Kanan hadn't really noticed it at before now because for the most part Ezra's just stuck to using keypads during the few times that Kanan has seen him do any writing since he came aboard.

'Hey guys… Woke early. Headache's muuuuuch better at the moment. Am only feeling a little woozy now. Am also feeling kind of restless so decided to wander over and retake back my tower from the native wildlife before it gets permanently taken over by loth-puma. (Relax! That's only meant to be taken as a joke Hera!) Chop decided that he wanted to tag along with me for company when I told him...so he's out with me. I have my slingshot along as well for protection. Should be back without problem to The Ghost before my next round of dosing. - EB."

There's a space after this larger body of writing then one more increasingly sloppily scrawled sentence, 'If I can find any on my way through town, Hera, I'll try and bring you back some Mellirouns for late breakfast or lunch. Enjoy the start of your day, you guys. See you later.'

Kanan stares down at the message for a long moment, bitter-sweetly amused, and then he hands it over to Hera silently. "Well, as it turns out I certainly called that."

The Twi'lek pilot's eyes narrow even as she tries to ungarble the text herself - not entirely successfully judging by the way she squints at the writing. "Did...did no one ever teach this kid even the fundamentals of handwritten Basic script?"

"Apparently not. Hera."

"His hand writing is literally karking awful, Kanan."

"Yeah. But at least we know now that he's coming back in not too much longer now. He just went home for a few hours, Hera, exactly like I first suspected that he did."

Hera frowns darkly in reply to that, crossing her arms yet again, "Which he is still in no condition to be doing at the moment, Kanan. Seriously it has to be an almost ten-mile walk just one way. To where he's living, and it's pitch black out there when the moons are covered by the clouds! What is with this sudden retreat of Ezra's even most basic self-defensive instincts?"

Kanan's look is distinctly wry as he answers, "The problem you are addressing is usually referred to by most people as 'puberty,' Hera."

"Oh ha ha ha."

"Seriously, Hera. I'm not remotely joking here. So what are we going to do next, under the circumstances?"

"Next, Kanan? We are going to get in touch with Chopper if at all possible, and in the broader scheme of things, my love, *I* am going to start re-leveling the playing field for us again in the wake of you and Ezra's ongoing brilliant little bargain."

"Which means what exactly…?"

"Which means that you agreed Ezra could go back to his tower when he finally started tittering down his meds, Kanan. You made no guarantees whatsoever about where the Ghost would or wouldn't be berthing at that point. I think it's high time under the present circumstance that we try relocating to a different part of the city outskirts for awhile, Kanan. Say...hmmm...over to the south side I'm thinking! You know what people always say about the grass being a couple shades greener over there."

Kanan pauses a moment then, considering his lover, and then he lets out a wry little grin in response. "That's pretty devious, Hera. Also, I'm guessing Ezra will claim that it's technically 'cheating'."

Hera just shrugs, "If he doesn't like it, Kanan then Ezra can find a way to relocate his tower. After all it's not like we're the only ones at the moment who are currently squatting where we sleep. He's got no room to whine about it, right now, at least not in any sort of manner to which I'm prepared to listen."

"Yes, well maybe so, Hera, but you should also probably be warned that once you play that particular card for real with Ezra we'll permanently cede all current and future ground that we might have once held concerning Ezra's ongoing accusations about the rest of us stalking him..."

Hera snorts out loud at that, "Oh we are soooooo beyond the point that I even care about that issue anymore, Kanan! And while we're on that particular subject, My Love," Hera turns a full-on sharks grin on him then, displaying a truly terrifying and shining white spread of clean teeth as she does so. "I'm more than aware at this point of your feelings where all of this is concerned, Kanan, but you should still aware that yesterday morning the other four of us took a little vote regarding Ezra and the ongoing situation ..."

"And?"

"And you should probably know that this is now officially a kidnapping."

Kanan snorts aloud at those words, heading over to the room's comm unit, and swiftly sending out a ping back request to Chopper requesting a sit-rep ASAP. "Well yes, Hera, of course it is. That's never really been in question. However, unless you're particularly eager to suddenly have a no holds barred fight on your hands, I strongly suggest that you keep that fact from Ezra for at least a little while longer. Or he's only going to end up seriously panicking and fighting back ten times as hard. My own advice? Wait until at least the first anniversary of him coming on ship has passed, Hera, build up some more trust foundations, and then you can clue in the kid to the fact that he"s been involuntarily adopted."

"If he really needs a fight over the subject that badly right now, Kanan, then he can karking have one. I don't know how exactly he's failed to get this particular memo, but you are a kriff of a lot stubborner than he can probably dream of being when you actually feel the need to be. And the rest of us? Are basically the ones on whom you cut your terrifyingly sharp and pointy baby teeth. Yeah, Ezra may struggle against his new change in status initially, but even he's not desperate enough that he's going to outlast all five of us at once Kanan. Not jointly and sure as kriff not indefinitely. Sure it might be rough for all of us during the first couple of weeks - but we'll still win the war with him in the long term if we just commit and plant our karking feet."

Honestly, Kanan's not so sure about that assumption of Hera's sometimes. Ezra's a kark of a lot cannier than Kanan suspects that any of the rest of them have realized, after all - and his resistance to their offer of different sort of life though frustrating has also been absolutely genuine. Not to even mention that Kanan truly doubts the rest of the Specters have any real grasp at this point of the sheer level of raw power that Ezra Bridger actually has access to when he really thinks that he's going to need it. Still he at least appreciates the sentiment, as well as all the implied faith behind her words. Which is why he chooses his next words carefully before replying.

"Hera...I appreciate the vote of confidence on your part, I really, truly, do. But I also need you, Sabine and Zeb to listen and even more importantly to actually *believe me* when I tell you that as even as much as I wish that we could just intimidate Ezra into doing what we want him to at this point in time that's *not* the kind of strategy that we can hope to apply with him in the long run without risking potential *life threatening* consequences."

Hera blinks very hard, looking more than a little nonplussed by that announcement, and Kanan continues to speak in a tone full of warning and caution. "Look, strong arming or otherwise attempting to force Ezra to do things will not make him react the same way as most fourteen year old kids would. Stubbornness isn't"t just a personality trait for Ezra, it's a very literal survival skill, Hera that he's had to develop in order to help him survive a shipload of soul-crushing things. He'll fight to the literal death for himself when he thinks it's needed because there's been no one else to do it for him. Which means, that if we do eventually end up press ganging him the resulting war will not end well for anyone. It will be long and brutal and bloody, and there's a better then even chance before it;s finished that it'll have nearly scorched earth levels of consequences. In the very best case scenario, Hera, if we force Ezra to join us aboard The Ghost, then we will probably end up with a passive, angry prisoner on our hands. One who will walk away without looking back forever the moment it finally becomes a tenable option for the rest of us, because he'll never be able to see us as anything but his jailers again." Kanan draws in a deep breath, raising a hand to rub across his brow. "And that? Is best case scenario, Hera. In the worst case Ezra might literally go on hunger strike if he truly believes that that's his only route back to freedom. And his body can"t handle that kind of stand right now. Force he could cause permanent damage to his long term health even trying."

Hera continued to stand there just blinking at him, incredulous. "You really think that he's *that* irrational about things, Kanan?"

Kanan nods, opens his mouth to reply - then the Medbay communication console beeps with a received message from Chopper, interrupting the older Jedi's reply for the moment.

Kanan waits just long enough for Hera to gesture at the wall with with one hand, the pilot clearly delaying the rest of their talk at least for now, before Kanan nods and then taps the message twice in order to display it. 'Per request, current sit-rep. Secured fruit for breakfast with S6. Proceeded on to S6's tower. Journey took approximate 2.7 hours when traversed at casual pace. Upon arrival, S6 entered the structure alone but did not return in the time period initially allotted. Surveilled in order to more fully assess the situation. Found S6 uninjured but clearly unintentionally asleep. Next IV Bolus due, according to records in approximately 91 min. Return trip to Ghost estimated at 103 minutes at a brisk pace if on foot. Conclusion obvious: S6 will be late for next Amalyn bolus. Current plan: wake up S6 nonetheless and begin the walk back to The Ghost as soon as possible,or seek other means of transportation. Please Confirm/Advise on this matter?'

Hera sighs deeply then she hits the units send function, queuing in the option that will immediately convert the message over into to binary. " Chopper this is Hera. Negative for now on waking up Ezra. Just stay put where you are and watch him instead. We will be coming out to get the both of you in just a few more minutes.'

There's a short pause than. 'Confirmed. Additional comments/questions?'

"How long has Ezra been awake and how long have you two been off of the Ghost, Chop?"

'5 hours 27 minutes/4 hours 52 minutes. Our departure occurred within less than an hour after his initial waking at S6's express wishes.'

"And you're sure he's okay, right now? That he's uninjured and in no pain at the moment?"

'S6 was clearly exhausted by the walk but otherwise seems unharmed, he displayed good spirits throughout the course of our journey and was elated to see his own home again.'

"Did he ever appear disorientated during the trip? Nauseated or dizzy?" Kanan speaks up with his own question then.

There's a brief bit of transmitted holo-vid along with a time-stamp dated slightly more than an hour and a half ago. In it Ezra, who is walking just a few feet ahead of Chopper's camera, glances back over his shoulder to look at the droid even as he motions him forward with a hand. The kid's smile is wide and sunny, his face is probably the most open in the frame that Kanan has ever actually seen it, and the whole picture is almost indescribably relieving.

Or rather it would have been had Kanan and Hera not also been able to see the way that Ezra's literally swaying from side to side as he passes through the short grass,so greater is his exhaustion. The kid looks glowingly content, but he's also more than half asleep on his feet, as if he's at least two days late at actually going to karking bed.

No wonder the dumb kid had passed out asleep nearly the first moment he let himself sit down, Kanan thinks to himself with a bittersweet little grimace.

"Grounded." Hera affirms again, very, very softly, looking with a sigh at the still moving vidcast. "Grounded from everything excepting food, sleep and handwriting practice until he's either a skilled calligrapher, or he's died of old age, Kanan. At which point? I'd probably just resurrect him and then ground him again.".

Kanan frowns a little bit as another thought finally registers, "Wait a minute. You said that he's up in the Tower, Chop? Not on ground level anymore, right?"

'Affirmative S1. S6 is currently upstairs and sleeping. Streaming live from his location in approximately thirty more seconds.'

Kanan just blinks: how in the Sith Hells had the kid even made it safely up the staircase? Was Ezra really just that accustomed to making the journey back home to his tower after he finished up a shift in the city this karking close to unconscious?

There's a sudden blip in the streaming video imagery and then a moment later they're staring at another image of Ezra. This time the teenager in question is out on what looks like the tower's wrap around balcony – half folded over in a slouched seated position in the warmth of the late morning sunshine. From the looks of it he'd probably been sitting with his back against one of the outer walls, simply taking in the spectacle of the morning sunrise, when he'd lost the battle with oncoming unconsciousness.

He doesn't look particularly uncomfortable, or unsafe where he is at the moment, just far, far less than actually fourteen years old.

Hera cuts off the comm channel after that with just a few more brief, simple sentences. "Thanks for making the requested update so swiftly, Chopper. We'll be there ASAP. If Ezra wakes up again before you pick us up on radar in the meantime, please let him know that we're incoming - and do not let him leave! You can tell him that it was actually easier for us to come to him since we were already scouting this end of the city today for a new berthing location."

'Affirmative.' Chopper cuts his end of the link along with the video feed.

"So now what?" Kanan asks her, tilting his head to one side.

"Now we fly over there and we get him back to the ship for his meds, Kanan." Hera strides out of Medbay then down toward the Cockpit, stopping just long enough to peek her head through the open door of Zeb's room and confirm that both he and Sabine talking somewhere within. "Be aware you two: we're going to be moving the Ghost's current berth ASAP. Engines are going to be hot then up in ten to fifteen minutes."

Sabine looks over from where she's speaking with Zeb, then turns to follow the Twi'lek down the hall. "Hey, Hera – I was actually just coming to talk to you. Are you aware that Ezra's apparently..."

"AWOL? Yes, Sabine. Except he isn't anymore. He and Chopper apparently decided to walk out to his Tower sometime before sunrise early, early this morning "

Sabine blinks at that announcement. "Wait. He went over to his tower? As in the one on the *other side* of the city?!"

"Yes. He's been feeling rather homesick for the past few days." Hera replies more than a little sardonically.

"So the Kit just decided to randomly walk out there in the middle of the night. In the pitch dark. On his feet?" Zeb's accent is thick with clear incredulity at this announcement.

"Well you didn't expect him to go that far on his hands did you, Zeb?" Kanan shoots back more than a little bit acerbically.

Zeb snorts and shakes his head, still clearly stunned by this news. "I'm just saying that's a long walk...he could've just taken a speeder over or something."

"Yes he could have if he'd had his own speeder here, instead of it still being back at his tower right now. Or if we'd offered to let him use one of our rides if he felt the need – which we didn't. Ezra thankfully, clearly isn't a fan of all theft."

Sabine rolls her eyes heavenward at that, more than a little bit sarcastic. "Yes Kanan, we didn't offer Ezra the use of one of our speeders when he first arrived back on board. Because the meds that he's been taking ever since you brought him back have made him alternatingly dizzy, woozy and half conscious. He's been in no shape recently to be driving anything!"

"And thus he walked over to his tower instead," Kanan intones, bemused. Hera just huffs a little in reply rolling her eyes at Kanan droll tone, even as she turns to continue walking back through the ship in the direction of the cockpit. Kanan matches pace at her side. Sabine and Zeb quickly follow along right behind the both of them, and the large Lasat scratching at his head a little once they finally enter and sit.

"Guy are we sure right now that this kit isn't just literally brain damaged? "

Sabine adds her own two cents in with a low snort, "It'd explain a lot about the last few weeks, I'll give you that Zeb."

Hera drops down into her seat, then, beginning the pre-flight off checklist with the ease of many years of practice. "When we get tower guys and find him, he's grounded. Or cleaning all of the freshers with a toothbrush. Or doing something else that's really unpleasant for this little display of stupidity of his."

Kanan sighs deeply, leaning back in his chair and linking his hands behind his head as he looks at her patiently, "Hera is this the point at which I have to remind you that Ezra doesn't actually work for you yet? Again."

Sabine leans over and mock whispers directly into Zeb's nearer ear, "Ohhh…those are fighting words if I ever heard them. What do you think big guys, should I go and maybe make us some popcorn or something?"

Hera just waves a hand in the rear seats' direction, "Don't even bother. Kanan's already been informed that this is now officially a kidnapping."

"So then we're officially back to condoning press-ganging? Perfect!" Sabine's voice is all but gleeful in its endless dripping sheets of sarcasm. I have a new emblem all made up tailor made for this ongoing situation. It's a skull and crossbones in the shape of a phoenix."

"I can hear you clearly, you know...?" Hera sing songs back, scowling over her shoulder at the rest of them briefly even as the Ghost finally takes off, first gaining altitude for a while and then circling back around and down to the other side of the city.

"You were kriffing meant to, Hera." The sixteen-year-old girl snipes back very bluntly.

"Language, Sabine!" Kanan responds to the now mostly uncustomary use of epithet with a resigned little sign.

The Mandalorian wrinkles her nose in response. "Sorry. Drinks are now on me per the usual rules, the next time that we all hit the Cantina. Because Bridger's potty mouth and sarcasm are making me backslide more than I previously realized apparently."

Zeb snorts at that claim softly, then. "So the kid ain't just crazy then, he's outright contagious."

"You know the rest of you keep saying stuff like that over and over and over." Hera interjects into the silence after a moment or so, "But honestly other than when Ezra first came back on board the ship he hasn't really sounded all that salty around me."

"Because he's been warned." Kanan, Sabine and Zeb all speak up then, simultaneously.

Hera snorts, "And he apparently listened for once? Does that mean that I should be offended or flattered at the moment?"

Zeb shrugs his shoulders a little, "Some of both maybe, honestly, Hera? I mean at least when he's swearing up a storm you known that the Kit is being absolutely genuine… not to even mention that his vocabulary's inventive and pretty diverse for a kid who supposedly spent so much of his time on the streets of a single rim world planet, I mean."

"Speaking of which, guys.." Sabine interjects after another moment, even as Hera locates the area she's looking for through the nav system and then begins her descent, "I was wondering, has anyone else noticed that sometimes Ezrs's got two very different and distinct ways of talking most of the time or is it just me?"

"Oh believe me I've noticed as much, Sabine." Kanan supplies with a small nod. "Though I am still working out what that particular quirk actually means."

"So what's the plan for when we get there, guys?" Zeb asks curiously after another long moment. "I mean after we land, get out and track the kid down anyway?"

"He's due for his next round of Amalyn in a little under an hour, Zeb. And before that time, he gonna need time to eat."

"Can we break into his tower once he's out again like you two did earlier?" Sabine inquires then, gleefully.

"No, Sabine. But I'll promise to look away from you strong-arming him into giving you a tour later after he finally wakes up." Hera replies.

Sabine shrugs, "Works for me, I guess. In the meantime I suppose if we do some general scouting in this area there's also probably plenty to see to keep us busy."

"I assume so as well." Hera answers back bluntly, "Either way we're not going to be anywhere for awhile guys...so be prepared." She glances over at her lover, "Since Kanan here and Ezra brilliantly made some sort of deal a few weeks ago that Ezra was free to start sleeping off the Ghost again just as soon as they switched over to the tittering stage for his Amalyn."

"You what, Kanan?!" Zeb and Sabine both turn to Kanan then, with twin expressions of complete incredulity.

"Hey, I never made him any promises about where we'd be berthing at that point in time did, did I?" He deadpans back in reply.

The Mandalorian and Lasat both stare at Kanan for a long moment jointly, before finally bending forward to convulse with laughter, utterly silent.

Hera meanwhile, just crossed her arms over her chest and glares huffily at him. "Okay Mister, you just totally *stole* my punchline."


	7. Triumphs and Challenges (Updated and Expanded 2nd half)

Hera sets The Ghost down about a quarter mile from The Kid’s tower, close enough for them all to reach it easily on foot, but not close enough for the noise of the engines to wake up the teenager up before they arrive and touch down. Kanan's not sure whether that's because the twi’lek pilot wants their newest (involuntary) recruit to get as much rest as he possibly can in light of how far he's just walked, or because she has very specific plans underway for how to wake the teenager up once they all get upstairs and, knowing her present mindset, probably try and put the fear of the Little Gods into Ezra for scaring her as badly as he just had.

Either way, her decision means that the teenager manages to sleep completely undisturbed through their initial appearance. Though Chopper at least is there to greet them when Hera lowers the ramp, having apparently abandoned his present watch of the sleeping teenager for the moment. 

Kanan meanwhile, busies himself with grabbing a couple of things from the ship, including Amalyn, Morphine and enough spare bags of IV fluid and syringes to make it possible for him treat Ezra upstairs if necessary. He also grabs a couple of clean extra sheets and the warmest of their blankets from the well-supplied linen closet. Zeb and Sabine -when he finally meets the others outside -are gathered with Hera at the bottom of the disembarkation ramp - where Chopper speaks to the Twi'lek with a series of arm spins, whirs and low clicks. Most likely the droid is once again updating Hera on either he and Ezra’ journey across the city earlier or on the teenager’s current status and situation. Hera for her own part in replying to his current tirade of complaints very calmly.

"Look, I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, all right, Chopper? I'm just saying that the next time it’s happening after sunset, I want you to immediately wake up either Kanan or I if Ezra's decides to leave the ship suddenly. Just consider that the indefinite new protocol for now where Ezra’s concerned. And no, before you ask I don't particularly care whether or not he objects to you sharing…. We'll handle any fallout. While he’s in my jurisdiction Chopper, I still want to know where he is and what he's doing as often as I possibly can."

Chopper beeps out a short affirmative in response to that instruction, spins his optic sensors back toward the ancient tower and lets loose a couple strings of disdainful whirs and clicking sounds – his ongoing opinion of the entire situation more than evident. Then he turns and makes his way back up and into the bowels of the ship, with a few disgruntled beeps following after about recharging.

"So," Sabine says after a moment, her hand raising to shield her eyes from the morning sun, as her gaze shifts eventually out to the tower, "This is where he's been living for the past few years at least, then? It's a lot farther from town I guess, then I was really expecting."

Zeb grunts softly. "It's a hell of a lot bigger than I was expecting the place to be. too. The thing looks pretty dilapidated, though. How long exactly's it been abandoned? Do we even know when or how he first stumbled across it?"

Hera grimace. "It's been empty since the fall of the Republic at least, Zeb. And more likely twenty to thirty years before even that, based on earlier look at some of the internal computer equipment. You'd have to ask Ezra and more for more details then that, though I suppose it’s also possible that even he doesn't know how long this place actually stood out here abandoned before he eventually hacked in through the codes on the door and turned this place into his home."

"And when did that happen exactly?" Sabine repeats her earlier query with a small scowl, her eyes still locked on the building standing in the middle distance. "I mean how long has he actually been living out here all alone? Did any one we talked to in town have anything useful to say on the subject? Well other than that one electronics vendor who told us that it happened ‘quite a while ago now’ and that he’s pretty sure Ezra's folks were completely out of the picture by the time he was ten?"

"Their names were Mira and Ephraim Bridger, guys. Mira was a political writer. Ephraim apparently helped maintain the networks for the planetary communication systems -which is why Ezra probably knew how to find this old Tower out here in the first place. He and his Dad no doubt visited here on multiple occasions long before Ezra’s parents disappeared in order to scavenge various useful parts. Speaking of which..." Kanan clears his throat, glancing over at Hera with a meaningful look before continuing. "You remember awhile back that there was supposedly an anti-imperial broadcast that originated out of the Lotholian system, Hera? A regularly scheduled program known simply as 'The Voices of Freedom?'"

Hera nods her head, and then her eyes jerk from where they're still locked on the tower back over to Kanan's own calm face again, "Yeah I remember…it was supposedly run by a couple from here in Capital City who were causing all kinds trouble here on Lothol and in a few of the neighboring systems. It stopped suddenly with no explanation.” The twil'lek pauses then, before she sudden inhales very sharply. “Wait a minute… Kanan, are you actually saying what I think that you’re saying?"

Kanan's smile in return is distinctly wry. "I'm pretty sure at this point Hera that Ezra's technically been a shirttail relative of the resistance movement even longer than even you or I have been. He imbibed the animosity that he's got for the Bucketheads literally at his mother's breast. As for how long he's been living out here at the Tower on his own, well..." Kanan shrugs, "We can certainly ask him about it sometime if you'd like to- not that he’ll necessarily just answer all our questions, but I'm personally betting that his relocation over to this part of the outskirts occurred during the same year that Ezra turned seven. Sometime after he watched his parents get dragged off by imperial stormtroopers and into the darkness one evening."

Zeb chokes on the water that he’s currently in the middle of draining out of a bottle as Kanan speaks. “Wait…so you’re saying that Ezra's parents are still alive? That the kid isn’t even technically an orphan. He's just...well basically stuck separated from his folks at the moment?”

“Yes, Zeb, at least as far as he knows currently, anyway. As Ezra put it to me earlier, his parents are both guests of the Imperial 'Club Med' at the moment. That all acknowledged, Ezra has been completely on his own in terms of keeping himself alive since they disappeared initially.”

Sabine speaks up then, looking slightly gobsmacked. "Wow…He snapped at me once when he first came back on board the ship about having to learn to pickpocket when he was younger in order to eat, but I guess I just thought that he was being sarcastic...you know, basically overstating his position for sympathy."

"I wouldn't actually bet against the truth of his statement. The story that told Ezra me lines up way too neatly with the timing to be coincidence, not to mention the rumors we all heard about why those broadcasts finally stopped. If Ezra;s parents were under the watch of the Empire at the time, or they were finally located after a long period of the ISF trying to identify the actual people behind their unidentified voices, well then, it certainly explains why afterward everyone who'd known his family before then turned a conveniently blind eye in Ezra’s direction."

Zeb works his jaw, "So you're implying what then? That the kid was just essentially orphaned - or as good as that anyway, when he was a small of seven. And then he what - resorted to living out here all alone and swiping food and wallets and such back in the Capital to eat. The entire karking planet just basically up and abandoned him? This world has no social service programs, no orphanages or fostering programs? There was no one in his old neighborhood who'd knew his folks and woulda been willing under the circumstance to take a seven-year-old in? They didn't want to kill him outright but they were fine with him starving or freezing to death?"

Kanan grimaces then shrugs. "Well what I’m guessing actually happened is something closer to this Zeb: almost the entirety of the Lothalian resistance cell that his parents originally belonged to got scooped up the night they were arrested right along with Ezra's parents. And before that point they'd all acted as eachother's families and generalized support systems just for general security reasons. So their was no one left who really knew or had contact with Ezra regularly. And as for everyone else in town during the years that followed? I’m guessing that no one who stumbled across him afterward and eventually learned who Ezra truly was, was ready to risk the stigma or Imperial attention that the Bridger name could have brought down on their families. Helping him from most people's perspectives was just to costly.”

“But...but that’s not *fair* Kanan!” Sabine grits out clearly indignant at the idea. “He was…he was karking seven years old! He was guilty of nothing!”

Kanan’s look in response to that is distinctly pitying. “'As the sins of the parents, so the sins of the children. You know collective guilt and it's ower just as well as I do, Sabine. Not to even mention, since when have the Imperials been particularly fair about how they anything? Do you guys honestly think that already threatened people don't regularly turn a blind eye to the suffering of the innocents around them on a regular basis when they're afraid of the possible consequences for making any kind of moral stand? What’s one lonely little boy’s life i vs the greater ‘public good’ to most civilians.”

“Cowards!” Hera spits out in rapid reply, the word passing from her lips in crisp and accented Ryllian. And yeah, from the look on her face this whole story might not have been the brightest thing for Kanan to share with the group if he wants his lover to maintain any real rationality considering the current situation with Ezra - especially when she's already patterned onto him. On the other hand though, it is in fact the likely truth, and knowing that is at least supposed to set people free, 

“Look, if Ezra is anything at all, then he’s a survivor you guys. First and foremost - but that's not all, he also didn't lose his empathy when he lost his folks despite everything he went through after that experience. Whatever his parents taught him about ethical living before they were taken, stuck with him rather amazingly. He's certainly been given no incentive since they disappeared to remain as decent of a person as he at least tries to be.”

“Do we even know why he came back out here this morning, Kanan?” Sabine finally asks him, very very softly. She's obviously mulling over the entire situation at the moment with changing eyes and probably shifting perspectives. There’s a distinct softness to the Mandalorian's face that hadn’t been there at the beginning of the conversation.

Kanan just shrugs shooting her a wry smile in reply, “My best guess is that he’s been feeling crowded, and as strange as this sounds probably a little bit homesick. Remember that he's not as accustomed to interacting with other people as he has been over the past few days. His tower isn’t new and shiny, clearly, but that doesn’t mean that Ezra doesn’t genuinely miss actually living in it. Force I can’t even say that I’m particularly surprised if that is the case...for a very long time now, that tower has been his life's only true constant.”

“The place still looks like a dump, though Kanan.” Sabine grumbles back in reply, only to get herself gently head smacked by Zeb in reply, 

“Yeah well, genius, I wouldn’t actually suggest you be dumb enough t’say that out loud around him! At least not in his presence, unless you're trying to humiliate him deliberately He hasn't exactly had a lotta better options, up till recently, now has he?”

Hera sighs softly and tilts her head to one side, “Probably not, no Zeb. As infuriating as that is to admit. Hey Kanan, do we know why Ezra chose to live here on the outskirts in particular, instead of finding a bolthole somewhere else inside the city limits? I mean it’s got to be a long haul for in to work and then back out here again every evening. Especially in winter.”

Kanan shoots her a look then he shrugs, “We haven’t ever talked about it directly, if that’s what you’re really asking me, Hera. My own best guess though, is that it’s actually a combination of different reasons... including the place being an easily overlooked watertight structure and it being outside of any kind of gang claimed territory. Which given his lack of any apparent criminal affiliation, Ezra desperately needs to guarantee protection from raiding.”

Zeb grunts a little, “You know, I hadn’t really thought of that before now, but probably I should of? I wonder why it is that he hasn’t been recruited by this point in life by someone from the underside of the city? A kid with a set of his natural talents would be a kark of a valuable asset after all you actually managed ever to gain his true loyalty."

“Oh, he’s been approached by various gangs once or twice in his life, I all but guarantee it Zeb. And truthfully, I’m a little surprised that no one's ever simply tried to force Ezra into some sort of alliance. I can't say for sure why they haven't. Though my first guess is that he either has some kind of standing accords with several of the gangs in the city for a share of his take on their turfs the days he works or he’s just that good at escaping notice when he actually needs to be sneaky." Kanan snorts softly, acknowledging one other distinct possibility. "Well that or maybe at some earlier point in his history it's possible that Ezra's former Master just pragmatically decided to put the fear of the Force into the local underworld concerning Ezra's ongoing personal safety."

“So what…? You're actually implying that his former master might have literally rounded up and then scared the metaphorical banthacrap out of a bunch of Lothalian Gang leaders on Ezra’s personal behalf?” Sabine raises an eyebrow at the older Jedi. “Uhm isn’t that a little…dark..strictly speaking?” She tilts her head as she asks the question very quizzically.

The Jedi pauses for a moment or two, trying to figure out exactly how to go about answering. Hera save him the trouble though, when the twi'lek literally tosses her head back and laughs before he can - both loudly and freely.

“What?” The perplexed sixteen-year-old Mandalorian asks, blinking hard at the pilot. She's clearly unable at the moment, judging by her expression, to see how anything about her previous question could be remotely construable as funny. 

“I'm sorry...it's just....well Jedi Masters and their Padawans were the closest equivalents that the Jedi Order had to parents and their *children* Sabine. An order that I note for the record was populated by beings with a natural tendency toward forming strong psychic links. And stupid people claim that *Twilek* parents are wired to be overprotective! Not to even mention the fact that an aggressive response in the face of threat to one’s offspring is a *cultural* instinct just as much as it's a biological one for the most part, and any Jedi Masters out in the fields - especially during the height of war years - with their Padawans in tow would have almost unavoidably been visiting places that heightened those instincts…with completely predictable results. 'Thou shalt not mess with the Padawans' is how I remember one clone trooper explained it to Cham and my Mom when my dad asked a couple about some of the stories he'd been hearing about things that had happened during various campaign battle. "Not unless you want to go out messily. It was item one on line one in all their briefing memos basically." 

“I can’t say that I knew that many Master and Padawan pairs all that well myself before Order 66, Hera." Kanan interjects dryly then in order to answer the question as well, "Excepting those rare times that they visited the Creche together or taught class - especially after the war started. That admitted, yes most Masters and their students were generally close judging by the historical records. After all it would have been all but impossible for them to not be eventually, just because all the time spent on shared training or meditation – to say nothing of the natural effects of a strong and well attuned training link. Retaining the right amount of distance in most cases in order to avoid unhealthy levels of attachment was probably far, far harder for most masters to manage than the opposite while they worked with their students. Which is part of the reason that I still don’t get….” Kanan pauses, and then trails off snorting at his still almost constant level of bitter obsession.

It’s part of the reason right now, he acknowledges to himself, that Kanan genuinely can’t make sense of most of what he’s extrapolated regarding Ezra and his Master and their previous ongoing dynamics. Because after all, Kanan admits without the slightest bit of shame, he doesn’t find it hard to believe at all that a strong sense of protectiveness might have also accompanied that strong of a training bond. Enough protectiveness in fact to make the idea of threatening a bunch of local gang leaders on Ezra's behalf almost dizzyingly, alarmingly easy. But then that’s the whole problem isn't it? At least as far as Kanan's concerned, anyway. Because after all, the same kind of protectiveness the other man had to have felt if he had any feelings at all should also have extended to a whole kark of a lot more than just scaring off immediate physical threats to Ezra’s ongoing safety. A bond as strong as the one that Ezra and his master appeared to have shared - just judging by the fall out of the original bond break -should have also created an equal amount of concern in his Master for maintaining all the other aspects of the teenager’s ongoing well being. *Especially* in light of the kid's neglect and trauma peppered history.

That it apparently hadn't done at least that much- hadn’t meant that Ezra hadn't ever had to worry about having the basics necessary for survival while his master had been alive and apparentely capable of working, is as confusing to Kanan right now as it is just fundamentally infuriating.

“It's part of the reason you don’t what?” Zen asks him then, one eyebrow raised. Kanan just waves him off for the moment, because it’s a topic that's better left for a time. The topic isn’t even particularly relevant currently.

“Look, I can certainly see how doing something of that particular nature in order to keep Ezra safe during the times his Master wasn't there in person to defend him would have been a justifiable decision from most Jedi Masters' perspectives, yes. Also yes, that idea would also explain how exactly Ezra manages to work in so many different parts of the city without running afoul in various territories.” Kanan pauses for another moment or so considering the idea more thoroughly. “Which is almost enough to make *me* want to go out and try a run down a couple of them myself truthfully.”

“Uhm, why exactly, Kanan?” Hera blinks at him. “Do you think things might change again now that his Master’s gone? For that matter Love, do you think they even know that he’s dead yet? Did the man finally fall somewhere here on Lothal or were they somewhere else off of the planet when it happened?”

“Oh they don’t know that his Master's actually dead quite yet, Hera. Or at least I assume that they don’t if none of them are currently trying to mess with him all that much if they think he's lost that outside protection. Nor do I have any intention of deliberately tipping them off to the change until everything else is finally settled between us and Ezra - it wouldn't be safe - but in the meantime that doesn’t mean that I’m not seriously tempted right now to go run some of them down and try and shake them up myself just to try and get some useful information.” 

“About…?”

“Ezra's old Master, Hera. Whom Ezra, irritatingly enough, refuses to talk about at all, up to and including giving the man's actual * real name* to me.”

Hera blinks for a very long moment in response to that confession. Zeb raises a clearly curious eyebrow. “Wait - really? The kit literally refuses to tell you anything about his master at all?”

“Yes. It's Ezra's biggest dead zone conversationally, and I have to tell you it’s absolutely maddening!”

“Why though, Kanan?” 

“Because it’s important in terms of context all right! Knowing his master’s name, rank and age would at least give me some kind of clue concerning the way he interacted with Ezra depending on the quirks of his own generation! I'd at the very least be able to use his name to learn his race and probably even his career specialty.”

Hera sighs patiently, then repeats the question one more time. “No Kanan: not 'why' as in ‘why do you want to know his name’. I meant why: as in ‘why *won’t* Ezra tell you anything about the man’ at the moment?” 

“Because he’s a kriffing pain in the ass, Hera? And he likes being annoying?"

Hera rolls her eyes, then sighs before continuing to speak. “Then he’s seriously given you no other explanation for his silence on the subject then that, Kanan?”

"Other than him saying that he was trying to respect the other man’s privacy post-mortem? No! Which makes utterly no sense at all, Hera! I mean the man is dead! His secrets don’t protect anyone anymore!” Kanan scowls at the remembered conversation dourly.

“Only as far as you know at present. Look, have you ever tried pushing Ezra more on that particular sub-subject specifically?”

“Not really, because every time I even try to get anywhere near the topic the kid immediately changes the subject, or disengages whenever I actually try and call him out on it.”

“And yet he has no issue apparently telling you numerous details about his life with his parents? Or even about the basic day to day life that he’s lived ever since the two of them were first taken?” Now it’s Sabine’s turn to ask the question. She has an almost identical puzzled wrinkle to Hera’s currently claiming the center of her forehead.

“I wouldn’t go that far, Sabine. Look what I know right now about Ezra's early life and his parents I got out of exactly one discussion that the two of us shared about them. And that who conversation? Was basically started by him asking about the gossip we'd heard from other people in town, and then either confirming or denying most of it. Well that and I asked him point blank how he hadn't been captured with his parents when the storm troopers came to his house that initial night. The two of us were basically killing time when he just decided to open up about it abruptly.”

Zeb speaks up after another moment. “Question for the rest of you – since you've been asking most of the questions. What have the people in town who you three’ve been talked to had to say about Ezra's master?”

“Not a word.”

“The subject never came up as far as I remember.”

“There’s been no indication from anyone but Ezra, Zeb, that the man ever even existed.”

“At all? Not once? From anybody?” the Lasat’s eyebrows nearly reach his forehead now. “Even though Ezra supposedly knew him for over four years - at least according to his claims? He was the kid’s master for that long and not even once is he mentioned just as Ezra's semi regular companion? Isn’t that...well...more than a little bit strange? I mean unless the man was literally mind tricking everyone who he met on the literally daily basis up to and including the people he spoke to out on the street... Was he really that unremarkable? Or was he just not around all that much honestly. Exactly how involved in Ezra’s life was he truthfully?”

Kanan blinks hard, then exchanges a long look wry look with Hera. Who’s looking distinctly thoughtful herself - those are some very astute questions Zeb's just asked after all. Zeb hasn't missed much at this point. Which may mean that it may be time for them to actually have a more important conversation with both Sabine and Zeb about the grimmer realities of Ezra's past.

Kanan frowns, deeply deeply conflicted. The topic is certainly important, but there’s also the matter of just how much longer Ezra’s going to continue to sleep where he is comfortably or safely. Not to even mention that his next dose of meds is due now in - Kanan checks his chronometer - sith spit, in just about twenty-five minutes.

“Hera, were you actually all that heart set on waking him up personally yourself? Because if not then we should probably divide and conquer here…” He gestures to Sabine and Zeb, “Try and actually have this conversation while the fire's hot, but at the same time Hera, I really don’t want Ezra having to miss one of his doses... or kriff, even him just being late on his bolus if we can possibly prevent it. We're running short on time. The clock is ticking. And someone is going to need to get him back under actually shelter and hopefully convince him to eat, or he's going to end up seriously nauseous later on when he's on his IV.”

Hera glances at the Tower a minute longer, clearly internally debating, Then she sighs and nods her head. “Go on and deal with things Kanan. The rest of us will all be up in a little while as soon as we finish up talking. Also...did you actually pack stuff to dose him while he's upstairs, or will you be bringing him back here to the ship before his next bolus?”

“I packed the amalyn, Hera, because I didn’t know how easily he’d wake up once we actually find him, or how long that it’ll take for him to make the trip back to the ship once we do– how arduous the required journey will actually be from his persepective. It was an eight-plus mile walk from the other side of town to hear as you mentioned earlier. I may end up having to fire-man carry him back to the Ghost later if he wore himself out badly enough But that’s not exactly a tenable plan with in the middle of a running drip to gravity IV. Which means that he's probably going to need to stay in the Tower for a couple of hours this afternoon, until his current bolus of his Amalyn finishes running.”

Hera wrinkles her nose. “I see your point but still - that tower is hardly sterile, Kanan. I know that he's trying to keep his port clean as best as he can, but when we brought them back to the Ghost his stuff was still pretty filthy...I don't even want to think about his bed sheets...”

“Yeah I know, which is why I also packed a couple of clean sheets in my bag as well as plenty of steri-spray. He's good about always covering his IV. It’ll be better than nothing at the moment.”

“Fine."Hera crosses her arms across her chest and sets jaw. "But he’s not spending another night out there in the cold, Kanan, and I mean it. Because even I have my *limits* and this is one of them apparently.”

“Then I suggest that you take up the issue again with Ezra aftet he’s slept off his meds and, Hera. After all, the deal that he and I made earlier was *just between the two of us,* Hera. Which gives you some room to haggle with Ezra now and try a get a better bargain then I did."

Hera makes a face, clearly preferring giving orders to carrying out negotiations. Kanan can’t help but think back to her earlier comments about being happy to provide Ezra with an fight at this point if that's what'snecessary. Which makes him wonder in the interim if it's really Ezra who craves a confrontation most desperately right now, since Hera hates almost nothing more in life then ongoing uncertianty. When she's unsure she sometimes takes the bulldozer approach to fixing things in the short term, which only works well if your target doesn't still have some things in their possession worth not breaking.

“Please Hera, just try things my way for a little bit longer. I know you're getting impatient with all of this, but like I told you earlier, this situation is complex. Go to war with him only when you absolutely have to Hera because I guarantee even if we come out on top everybody will still end up losing the the larger scheme of things."

Hera sighs, clearly exasperated but also resigned for the moment. “Yes fine, I hear you, Kanan and I’ll try it you way for just a little bit longer at least. But only as long as he’s actually displaying common sense and negotiating with me fairly. Don’t think for even a moment that I won’t play hardball with him when it comes to issues of his ongoing health or safety right now, because some lines are absolutely worth drawing.”

Kanan snorts at that apparent conditional, very, very wryly. “Hera, if Ezra’s still too wiped out to walk back to the Tower on his own after we finish up here, or if he's clearly too weak to defend himself and he still wants to leave the Ghost before dark, then you won’t have to fight with him about it until after he manages to get through me! Our original agreement hinged on Ezra being better - on him being ready on some level to see to his own safety! It certainly never included him sleeping somewhere else all by himself when he’s unable to defend himself were something to happen.

“...Your arrangement, Kanan?” Zeb intones, frowning, “What exactly did that even entail in the first place? Just so that we're all clear on the subject in the future?”

“...Go on and take care of things.” Hera tells him then, with a wave of her arm toward Ezra's present location. “I’ll fill these guys in on all of that along with the rest of our still upcoming conversation.”

“All right.” Kanan agrees with a simple nod of his head, and then he lifts his bag from where it’s lying at his feet, and sets off across the field at what is admittedly more than his regular top speed.

It’s not really necessary, he acknowledges once he’s finally at the base of the structure, for him to be feeling as rushed or as anxious as he is at the moment. After all, it’s not like Ezra’s in any serious danger of relapse or injury presently. Technically speaking, if Ezra’s going to suffer at all during the few hour or so it’s going to be from a lack of further pain meds. And that's assuming he’ll even need them anymore when he finds him...unlikely considering how much better Ezra had seemed to be feeling in his note before he’d hared off in the earliest hours of the morning. 

Then again maybe that’s the real problem, Kanan admits (at least to himself anyway) as he bypasses the door into the main column and starts to make his way up the long winding staircase. It has been six coming up on seven hours now since Ezra and Chopper first slipped silently away from The Ghost after all and that? Is by far the longest that the teenager has been out of Kanan’s direct supervision – or at least some close approximation of it, anyway - since their reunion in the market the other morning. And Kanan's subconscious mind is currently less then happy with the prolonged separation.

After all, for all that the older Jedi is trying to be the voice of proverbial reason these days, he’s truthfully likely even less instinctively rational when it comes to Ezra Bridger and his safety then the rest of the Specter crew. As it would have put back in temple (admittedly under most peoples' breathes) Ezra has been actively courting Kanan's full fledged Master crazies since the day he first left..

Hera had commented a few minutes ago about Jedi Masters and their Padawans, about the Jedi's generally deeply empathetic natures and most Jedi Masters’ tendency to lean toward natural over-protectiveness as a result when it came to watching over their student charges. Particularly when said students were vulnerable or sick. His lover had more than hit the nail on the head: Kanan is well aware right now of how badly he'd likely respond to any real threat aimed in Ezra's direction. Especially given the kid's current fragile health and frankly horrifying past history. 

Kriff, Kanan isn’t even technically Ezra's master yet either, so much as he's just actively attempting to position himself to assume the role. Granted the Force has also been making its desire’s known concerning that too with about as much delicacy as a Bantha herd for days. Still, with every day the instincts just seem to grow worse and worse, Kanan's emotional reactions are getting stronger and more difficult to set aside even when he is actively trying to let them go as he should, and if this present building tsunami wave that Kanan is currently dealing with is any indication of what it's going to be like for him and Ezra until the two of them finally sit down and actually resolve the situation then Kanan truly doesn’t think that either of them will be able to take too much more of their ongoing battle of wills before something finally breaks. They're both of them dancing on the metaphorical knife's edge these days so to speak and at increasingly heightenef risk of one or both of them either getting hurt as a result of suddenly slipping.

‘To be fair, Jarrus,' He consoles himself even as he climbs up the stairs to the room at the top of the tower, 'You never once in your life imagined taking on the care of an actual Padawan. Much less one whose personal history has left them so standoffish and broken.’ The care of a teenager, yes – back when Kanan and Hera had first welcomed Sabine aboard The Ghost. Making room for the Mandalorian girl though, had been a very different sort of commitment for Kanan back then then encountering and committing to the long term care of a force sensitive teenager. And not only just that, Kanan acknowledges to himself a little grimly, but an actively homeless street kid who’d been completely self-supporting for the better part if his middle and late childhood and so as a result had very little trust for other force users thanks to a highly dysfunctional (if not outright abusive) previous Master-Padawan relationship.

That Ezra doesn’t even seem to consciously register the dynamic between his old Master and himself as having been unhealthy is bad enough all on its own. That the kid still clearly loves and deeoky mourns the man who hadn't even been bothered to keep him from basic malnutrition for years is almost indescribably galling, and worst of all, Kanan certainly can't to say anything negative in Ezra's presence concerning any of that yet.

What he can do for now he knows, is try to outdo the man that he’s been subtly setting himself up to replace. Force - he figures that it won’t even be that hard for him to manage to start to triage the kid's years of neglect, in terms of Kanan's own ability to make sure that Ezra is supplied with a solid foundation of all the previously denied basics. 

'And not just food or medical care or adequate protection,' Kanan thinks to himself just a little bit grimly, but also affection and affirmation and ongoing emotional support, as well as regular day to day company. The kind of basics that anyone with common sense should be able to grasp that all children need. Sure Kanan acknowledges, it may take some time for them all to adjust to the new normal, and for Ezra in particular to actually relax and slowly start to really trust any of them again - but even slow progress is still progress -and it’ll help to quiet some of his own current jitters in the meantime if he just gives himself permission mother hen Ezra at times like this. 

Which is why it’s such a relief, Kanan acknowledges wryly when he gets up to the top of the stairs and steps out onto the wrap around balcony to find the kid still sleeping exactly where Chopper had left him. Though perhaps now Ezra looks a bit paler and colder than he'd appeared initially on Chopper's vid feed. His lips are currently twisted slightly up on one side, like he’s either dreaming about something unpleasant or registering a significant amount of pain at the same time as he sleeps.

Kanan crouches down in front of Ezra for several long seconds: studying the younger man's face and shielding both of them carefully while simultaneously taking in what little he can of the information currently slipping out of the teenager’s still battered mind. Then he rises up to his feet again, going to the tower room’s main door. He lets himself inside and quickly sets up Ezra’s makeshift bed – laying out everything he’ll need to set up an IV drip on box beside the pile of blankets and cushions - and then he goes back outside in order to shake the boy awake by his right shoulder gently.

Except Ezra doesn’t wake up in reaction to the touch though – instead his face screws up even harder as he curls in slightly on himself. “Ah come on Zeb…Get off of me already! Just five more minutes, guys, like seriously, please...”

Well, that’s a little odd, Kanan blinks in slightly bemused reaction. He'd been under the distinct impression that Ezra is the one who typically wake up before the Lasat does not the other way around. Another gentle nudge does nothing as all to pull the kid out of his sleep. In this at least Ezra appears to be a very typical teen. Sighing a little, and rolling his eyes Kanan gets one of his arms beneath Ezra’s bent knees, hooks his other behind the slumped forward set of shoulders, and then lifts Ezra from the balcony deck with a low grunt of effort as he does so, and kriff but the kid is light. A moment after that he’s laying Ezra down on the ramshackle, sheet covered bed, pushing up the sleeve of the teenager's shirt in order to reveal the current location of his IV port, beginning to unwrap the bandage wrapped around his lower arm methodically. 

Even as he does so Kanan also instinctively reaches up with one hand to tap Ezra lightly on his cheek. “Bridger. Ezra come on, Kid -wakey wakey… ” And then for just the space of a moment or two, the direct skin contact provides Kanan with another rare burst of that lightning-like pain, before he finds himself suddenly pulled almost directly out of reality and into Ezra’s current dream.

Coldness. Icy, terrifying coldness. A tall man clad all in black - from the mask on his head to his charcoal black boots- standing just a few yards away from Ezra through the teenager’s perspective. There's a red saber blade in the man’s left hand while at the same time the right one pins Ezra like a bgg to the wall.... the blue light saber glowing in Ezra’s own hand is being driven methodically closer and closer to the teenager's face…the heat of the blade steadily warming the flesh it's approaching even as the other man mocks Ezra. There's the knowledge in Ezra of coming death, until…suddenly the distant sound of shouting voices...and relief. 'Master.' Help is finally coming to help him deal with the Sith...

And then Kanan’s real hand is suddenly being tugged back away from Ezra’s abrupty *conscious* face as the teenager grabs Kanan's wrist almost spasmodically, yanking the older Jedi back away from the skin to skin contact and dumping them both into wakefulness again from out of the Spectre of his dreams. 

Ezra’s voice is tight and choked when he finally speaks – his tone hoarse with pain and gripped with no small amount of panic. "How many time do I have to say tthis, Kanan!?" He literally wheezes out on his next breath, "Until my head is finally healed up please karking *ask* before you touch me!”

Ezra doesn’t sound angry anymore when he makes the comment though, or even particularly bitter like he’d sounded the last time around. Instead, the kid's breathing is just ragged and harsh - his hands are clenching almost spasmodically at his side. His eyes are open wide for just the space of a moment, before they abruptly snap shut as both Ezra's hands automatically reach up – the meat of his palms digging into each side of his forehead in what is clearly a gesture of agony. He looks for a moment almost as if he's literally fighting off some kind of psychic attack inside his own head. 

“Kark, but my head hurts like banthashit right now.” He finally whimpers after another moment or so of this expression, breathing in and out harshly several times in a row before releasing a long and violent string of mangled, interspersed profanity.

“I’ve got some morphine right here, Kid. You want some?” Kanan, guilt struck, makes the offer pretty much immediately

“Yes. Please, Kanan. It’s either that right now or full on frontal lobotomy.”

“Just hold on, Ezra. Help is already oncoming,” Kanan shifts to one side and starts to dig through the contents his shoulder bag frantically, grateful beyond words he's been wise enough to bring along a precautionary vial of morphine.

A moment later Kanan’s injecting the max allotted dose of the opiod into Ezra’s now wiped clean IV port, “Hang in there, okay, Kid? It usually only takes about three minutes before things start to feel something near bearable. In the meantime just try to breathe with me slowly so you don't hyperventilate all right?" Kanan sighs, running a hand back through his hair anxiously. "Force, Ezra, I’m sorry – I just didn’t think. I was trying to wake you up as fast as I possibly could so that you could have a chance to eat, before your next dose of Amalyn.”

There’s a pause of several seconds then a breathy huffed reply, “I…I’m still upstairs in my tower right now, aren’t I? At least for the moment.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you are Ezra...”

“Then how...”

“How is it that I'm here too, now?" Kanan waits for the teenager to nod, before he continues speaking, "Hera flew us over here in The Ghost, Ezra. We woke up shortly after you and Chopper made it over here to the tower this morning. We checked in with Chopper in order to get a fresh ETA, and he informed us that while you’d made it all the way out here without problem you'd also fallen asleep uningentionally. I''m guessing because you sat down for a few minutes in order to watch the sunrise and then got mugged by the sandman.”

Ezra curses again then, though softer this time around, and also thankfully, with far far less accompanying pain. His face is finally starting to go slack as the agony abates. "Damn it. Thanks Kanan. Sorry that I yelled at you, earlier. I honestly didn’t mean to crash out the way I did. i just wanted to, you know, rest for a few minutes before starting bacj, but I guess I underestimated how much the walk over here had taken out of me. I don't even remember deciding to close my eyes.”

Kanan almost reaches out again in order to squeeze Ezra shoulder, only to freeze his arm in place, and then deliberately pull it back again. Why is it such an instinctive compulsion for him right now to touch the kid? “Yeah, I figured as much. Don’t worry about it right now. Let's just focus on getting you out of pain first, and then fed and back on your regular schedule of meds.”

The teen’s face constricts a final time as he nods, and then he huffs out a chagrined little chuckle, wryly meeting Kanan's eyes. “So... do I even want to know how pissed off Hera or any of the others are at me presently?”

“On a scale from one to ten Ezra? You’re at about a six or so minimum. Our good Captain's not exactly keen on people wandering off of her ship in the middle of the night without at least providing at least a little bit of warning.”

“I...I managed not to wake anyone up before we left, Kanan. We were really, carefully not to interrupt anybody's sleep.”

“Yes. Yes you were, Kid. Which still accomplishes absolutely nothing in your favor in terms of Hera's current levels of unhappy.”

Ezra groans in response to that, softly, “Force! She is such a kriffing nanny goat sometimes. She seriously needs to take up some kind of hobby…”

Kanan smirks, and can't help thinking, ‘Yeah well good luck with that Kid, since you’re pretty much it right now, at least for the moment. Have fun eventually actually adapting.’

“Yeah well I hate to break this to you Ezra, but I can’t exactly say that I’m really much happier right now, myself either. Because yes, well I'll in fairness acknowledge that you do have every right to leave the ship whenever you like now that you're down to taking your meds once a day, maybe next time around that you decide to wander off after sunset, you could try not doing it right after you’ve been given a full dose of Morphine!! Which you’ve outright told us makes you prone to stuff like hallucinations and sleep walking! Before we found your note in Medlab - Hera and I nearly had a heart attack when Zeb told us you were missing.”

Ezra’s face crumples. “Oh Kark, Kanan. I didn’t even think about that possibility. I’m really, really, really sorry. Next time I'll leave you a voicemail message to cue when you wake up or something...”

'There isn't going to be a kriffing next time, not if Hera has anything to say about it anyway.' “Yeah well, I’d probably be as pissed as Hera is right now, Kid, if I weren’t also so karking relieved that you're basically okay. For the record, Ezra, you are seriously wreaking havoc on my blood pressure at the moment.”

“Yeah so you keep telling me, Master... " The unintentional honorific when it passes through the boy's lips literally makes Kanan freeze stock still, muscles frozen as he stares down at Ezra shell-shocked as the kid blinks up at him hazily for several long seconds before rubbing at his eyes for a moment as if try to clear them. "I'm so kriffing tired right now. When we get back aboard I definitely need to get some more sleep."

The Morphine has finally come into full effect then, judging by the teenager's increasingly vacant expression. Kanan's pretty karking sure at the moment that Ezra's not even hearing the older Jedi's words so much as he's simply sensing his presence. Either way the fourteen years old is clearly not fully cognizant of anything that he's saying.

Which still does absolutely nothing in that moment to quell the literal bonfire that feels as if it’s just been stoked to life right in the center of Kanan's own chest, as frustration and discouragement and yes more than a little bit of doubt about the choices that he’s been struggling with over the last couple of weeks go up like so much tinder under the flame of that one word, spoken with such complete and easy conviction. While all around the two of them, the Force itself seems to practically sing back to Kanan in exceedingly smug reaction. As if to gloat, ‘See?! Yes, moron we both know exactly what we’re doing!”

And no, it doesn’t solve any of the bigger problems that are still stretched out in front of them. It doesn’t make Ezra any less emotionally damaged right now, or irritating, or stubborn. It doesn’t prevent even one of the countless battles that are almost inevitably coming in the days still ahead. still, it sure as Kriff is a nice little balm to Kanan's less than stellar or stable self-confidence concerning everything that's happening. It's genuine hope, which is exceedingly rare in Kanan's own experience. 

“Ezra?” He murmurs quietly, mostly checking that he hasn’t lost the kid to unconsciousness completely yet.

“Yeah, Kanan?” Blue eyes blink up at him sleepily. The word is heavily slurred under the effect of the medication.

“How you feeling now, better?"

“Juuuust fine, Master. Though thanks for askin'.”

Oh the irony, Kanan can't help but think to himself then in the heat of the moment. The complete and utter irony of every single bit of this whole situation.

Kanan slowly shakes out the blanket then, carefully covering the smaller, thinner body and tugging off the teenager’s boots one at a time before tucking the cloth gently around two half bared feet. The kid needs new socks - the one's he's got on right now are literally falling to pieces. “Hera and the others will be arriving shortly. We'll head back to the ship after that. Do you think that you can take a short rest until then and then wake again?”

“Definitely not gonna be a prob’lem, Master.” Ezra’s eyes slowly slide clised again - moments later he’s sleeping like a piece of literal rock, while Kanan Jarrus just sits back on his heels and does his best to stop grinning like a karking idiot, hopefully before any of the others finally arrive, or Ezra wakes back up again.

******************************

Ezra doesn’t exactly know how or why, but sometime within the last couple of hours Kanan Jarrus has gone from being easily baitable -if admittedly always seriously dangerous for Ezra to actively engage in debate with- to someone who is calmer and far more personally grounded then Ezra really knows how to deal with. He doesn’t understand what's caused the change in the older Jedi, he just knows that witnessing the transformation is absolutely terrifying...

None of which detracts from Ezra’s more obvious problem at the moment. 

It's an issue that is small, strong-willed and rather sadly Hera Syndulla shaped. The Ghost’s pilot has been all but completely silent ever since Ezra first woke up in his tower about half an hour or so ago, his current dose of Amalyn already hung up on the wall just above him and the drip running rapidly as his body happily suck the needed medication. He was clearly already a little dehydrated by the looks of things. Hera, for her own part is studying Ezra very carefully currently, from her seat on a set of crates that has been pulled up to form another stool of sorts beside his bed. The twi'lek pilot has an all too too familiar mix of frustration and uncertainty on her face right now, along with a more typical expression of rising motherly anger, and kark it, Ezra acknowledges to himself grimly even as she finally opens her mouth to speak to him, if that particular look doesn't mean that it's way past time for Ezra to finally employ ‘that’ prescripted back up conversation.

Ezra, truthfully speaking, would have preferred just to avoid this discussion altogether. Because after all he knows Hera well, and he loves Hera too…a lot like the much older sister who he never had the privilege of actually having. And so he wants to hurt her right now about as much as he wants to hurt Kanan. Which is to say not at all. But that? Is clearly now no longer an option.

Because the truth of the matter is that Ezra’s been playing with fire for literal days now - ever since first following Kanan back to The Ghost. Though honestly given the severity of his psychic damage at that time, Ezra also doesn’t see what he could have sanely done any differently. Refusing further help from Kanan when he'd so clearly been in need of it at the time would have been like waving a red flag at Kanan and Hera and declaring his obvious mental incompetence under those circumstances. Consenting to temporary treatment had simply been easier then refusing it. 

It still doesn’t change the fact, though that Ezra's actions ever since he first came back aboard have involved a very special, very dangerous kind of cruelty to the rest of the Specter crew that now has to be stopped before it literally kills one or more of them. He's been getting to comfortable and too comfortable with this version of the Ghost Crew then he can really afford to. Because right now? The Twi'lek pilot is clearly starting to think that they can somehow just lure Ezra back into the fold and onto the ship as crew again. Which yes, for the record Ezra wishes to kriff that they could, but that doesn't change the fact that they can't. Because after all Ezra's plan? His perfectly reasonable, perfectly executed little strategy that he’d set in motion the day he'd left the ship as a premeditated, deliberate decision? It has never been a fool's errand - no matter what any of the rest of them might currently think. It’d been Ezra's means of preventing a far greater, far worse future agony. One that had left Kanan dead on the ground and the rest of them staggering around in shock for almost two months afterward well the galaxy sunk further and further into darkness no matter what they did. Not to mention judging by Ezra's visions at the time it had been the death of all hope and any desirable future really.

That future was the bottom line that Ezra was at war at the moment – the outcome that he was committed preventing again at literally any cost which he could pay personally out of his own pockets. And to see a different future unfurl, where they were all better all, where they all kriffing lived thanks to any lack of his stupidity Ezra was more than prepared at this point to do nearly anything in order to make real changes happen. Up to and including scorching the earth of his own previous history.

Which means that right now its time for him to just face the facts: the Ghost Crew are, and are going to remain, Ezra’s single greatest stumbling block in setting things to right in this particular stream. Which means that starting today he's got to man the kark up, and start dealing with all the necessary - he has to literally cut and run. Even if that means that he needs to cut some kind of a deal in the short term with someone like Vizago in order to make it actually happen.

“You’re very quiet right now, Ezra.” Hera observes quietly, from where she’s seated. Twi'lek's wide green eyes are locked on his face, apparently studying his changing facial expressions intently.

“I’m just thinking about some stuff, Hera.” He acknowledges, equally calmly and quietly.

“…About?” Somehow that question feels very much like some kind of trap, but Ezra still doesn't hesitate to answer it. As previously stated they have to actually have this karking conversation.

“A lot of different things, actually, Hera,” he finally admits. Because after all it’s the literal truth, and there’s no better way in to begin a lie than by using at least a little bit of it as precursor, at least in Ezra's own past experience. 

“Such as?” Hera's tone is growing increasing prodding, just a little impatient.

He shrugs, “Just about what's happened to all of us over the past couples weeks, I guess. How crazy life can be in ways you wouldn't expect it to be. And what lies waiting for me in the days still ahead.” 

Hera nods a little in reply to that particular admission, sighing deeply in response to his honesty. “If that's really the case, Ezra, then I think that you and I may well be of the exact same mind subject wise, at least at the moment.”

Despite his best intentions, Ezra's lips quirk upwards, though without any true humor, really. "No offense, Syndulla, but it's probably better for all involved if you don't count on that. We all might be on a common road right now, yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you and I have the same kinds of destinations in mind or even just intend to use the same sort of travel maps. Not every traveler - or group of travelers is on an identical journey."

And wow, okay maybe that had been Ezra becoming just a little bit too honest in the moment, at least judging by the way that the Twi'lek pilot leans forward toward him in reply, her eyes suddenly going both watchful and far far too canny. "And what is it that you actually do want, Ezra Bridger? Both from us specifically and for your own life generally speaking? Because I think that it's well past time that we finally have a discussion concerning that topic. As well as about everything else that's happened since the rest of us first met you, truthfully."

Ezra's answer is once again simple, truthful and ultimately misleading. "That's easy, Hera. I want an honest chance to trade up from my past as it it's been up until now into something stronger and less bloody. And along the way, I'd like to save as many of the people that I love as I possibly can."

Hera blinks at that answer for a long moment, looking just a little bit nonplussed by his truthfulness. "I ...I am going to assume for the moment that you meant your parents when you said that, Ezra? I mean unless you also have other family members out there that we're not currently aware of?"

Ezra's smile is distinctly bittersweet. "No. There's just my folks, Hera. No blood kin who'd otherwise claim me. Though I do have some very old friends of a sort that I haven't gotten around to actually meeting just yet in person. Hopefully that much I can change soon - or at least relatively. As for my wanting to rescue my Mom and my Dad, Hera...?" He shrugs his shoulders, a little strangely emotionless in the face of that particular subject, even in terms of his own opinion. But then again he hasn't been able to let himself think for more then a few seconds at a time about the reality of them still being alive. At least not if he hopes to maintain any kind of emotional stability in the face of what's still to come. "It's a nice enough pipe dream I guess, but also probably rather unspeakably cruel, to wish for any kind of real family reunion."

Hera's forehead wrinkles up a little bit in response, clearly confused by that comment, "And what exactly is that supposed to mean precisely?"

"Just...that I'm grown past the required level of naivete involved in thinking that;s something that's ever truly going to happen. Look Hera, I freely admit in hypothetical that I'd be more than delighted if I could find a way to bust them out of prison unharmed. It'd be a nice fantasy for awhile for us to pretend that if I could do so safely without alson unfairly endangering anyone else that the three of us could then just go back to being the exact same people that we all were before the two of them but arrested, but the plain cold truth of the matter is that they're not the same them and I'm not the same me, and it's probably kind if we all just keep our distances indefinitely."

Ezra plays with the cuticles of one hand even as he continues talking, "I mean even if I did have the resources available to raid an imperial compound tomorrow or next week or next year or the year after that like I just saud, the three of us would never really go back to being the same as we were again. At least not anymore. Because after all, we all walked though our own versions of the fire as a result of the choices that they made for all of us, didn't we? The wild haired wide eyed little boy who they convinced themselves that they trying to make a better world for? He didn't grow up some kind of morally upright prince. Anything but at this point in my life. They disappeared and their precious moral legacy basically starved slowly to death in their absence out on the streets because the two of them were so blinded by their ideals and their willing sacrifice for 'freedom' that they somehow failed completely to acknowledge they'd picked a real dud if the worst happened to actually stand up and look after their darling baby. They danced their dance with the proverbial piper, Hera, doing what they assumed that had to - but pnly said piper, apparently lost their address once the two of them got arrested and sent better than half of their unpaid bill to a seven year old, with predictable consequences, really. ... But rubbing that fact into their faces? When they did what they did out of love, when they had the best of possible intentions, just seems like terrible, terrible cruelty to me. Better to just let them love the kid that they still think they have from a nice, blurring distance."

There's a long moment of silence then, as Hera processes all of the above. Her forehead wrinkling clearly in deep thought and perhaps an unspoken word or two of comment for several very long seconds, before her expression ultimately settles to stillness again and she tips her head to one side, apparently discarding and reply in favor of asking her next question bluntly. "You said earlier, back when I first offered you a job aboard The Ghost, Ezra, that your present commitments here on Lothal were why you didn't want to join up as crew. Only now, you've been hinting to Kanan that you've always intended to leave the planet, at least as far as he's told me. So what I want to know right now is this... did you just lie outright initially? Or did you truly change your mind about the topic at some point after I initially asked you?"

Ezra makes a pained faced then. Because this answer is going to definitely hurt her. "Honestly, Syndulla? I was just trying as politely as I could possibly manage at the time to tell you guys to get lost, okay? You didn't want to hear that message though. Even now that still refuses to get through. I was trying to let you down gently at that point...to not hurt anyone's feelings if I didn't have to, but honestly? What I wanted from all of you at that point was for you guys to just back off - to detach and just let me be."

Hera frowns deeply at that admission, before nodding slightly. "And now that you've actually lived with all of us for several weeks since coming back on board, Ezra, and and you've hopefully had the chance as a result to get to know all five of us a whole lot better?"

Ezra makes another pained face, "You seem like decent enough people, for the most part Hera, I'm honestly not trying to claim otherwise for the most part at least, but I'm still not even remotely interested in 'buying' any of what you guys are currently selling "

"Considering how briefly we've talked about what that might actually look like, Ezra, how can you be so sure of that fact right now?" Hera's mouth purses up in frustration even as she asks.

Ezra sighs very deeply, lifts his eyes to hers and locks her gaze. "Because I know your *type* Hera Syndulla, okay? I've already lived through two rounds in my life of being typecast as the future martyrs' assistant. And honestly? I have no interest at this point in even *auditioning* for a crack at round three. "

Hera jerks backward in reply to that statement as if she's been physically slapped by his words. "We're...we're not martyrs, Ezra! Though yes we are actively fighting for other people's freedom."

"Yes, so you keep saying, Hera just like my parents did essentially. And truthfully right now you're all probably closer to zealots then you are actual martyrs, but you'll still end up there eventually unless I miss my guess. Because believe me Hera, by now I know the signs and the patterns involved like the back of my hand. You're honor people trying to lead noble lives, with is admirable from a lot of perspectives. But the truth is that right I? I can't afford to live in that kind blast zone again. Not when round two of living that kind of life left me with a psychic hole in my head that I'm literally going to be living with for literal rest of my life because I was unlucky enough when it happened to miss the blast zone that killed my master by less than three kriffing feet. Never mind that I'd have preferred, would prefer even now to have just gone along on that part of his journey."

"Ezra," Hera tries to protest then, clearly upset almost beyond words by everything that he's saying, but Ezra just gently cuts her off. Because after all he isn't done speaking quite yet. He's had days to plan this particular speech, and now that it's actually occurring in real time he desperately needs the resulting amputation to be neat, clean and most importantly of all, brutally deep.

"Sacrifice is a noble path, isn't that what you implied to me the other day, Syndulla? How exactly did you put it again. Oh yes: 'If the only life you fight for is your own than your own life will ultimately count as nothing?' Or something very much like that . Value other people's lives and needs constantly over your own if you want your own life to have any meaning in the greater scope of things? Our lives - our existences only really matter if we're willing to give them up, to discount our own wants and struggles and needs? That's the road of ethical living as some people put it, that's how we all build real and lasting personal legacies?" 

Ezra leans forward a little bit then, looking at her candidly, "Only the funny thing about that particular philosophy, Hera, is that at least in my own personal experience it's usually the people who say that kind of stuff the the very loudest who are also the people who are most eager to die - no matter what kind of mess they're leaving behind to cope with for the people that they're supposedly supposed to be serving. They check out and leave everybody else to do the real shit work of *actually carrying on living.*"

"Ezra..." Hera tries to cut him off yet again, but he just pushes on relentlessly. "So no offense right now, Hera...I mean to each their own, at least philosophically speaking. But I'm not ready to disregard the value of saving *anyone's* life at this point in time- including my own. Because after all, Hera every life has to count for something, people can't be casually treated as kriffing collateral or eventually? No one's life will actually end up counting for kriffing anything. Life is too fragile to safely sum up with stupid cache phrases. Forget that truth, or even just take it for granted for long enough, and one morning you might accidentally wake up to discover that yeah, while you and the rest of your crew are more than willing to die in to save a completely random group of strangers, you also have no trouble at all in the heat of the moment leaving behind a snarky teenage loth-rat who just risked his neck in order to save all of you for the sake of said 'mission.' And why did that happen the way that it, Syndulla? Because as it turns 'noble causes' are a lot easier to love and value than actual flesh and blood people! Noble causes can't mess up, be abrassive or otherwise irritate you."

"Ezra that's...that's not *fair.*"

It’s not Hera who speaks up in protest this time around though, it’s Sabine. Who’s standing in the doorway that leads out onto the wrap around balcony; one of her hands pressed to her mouth, one hand hanging at her side limply. The teenager is just staring at him horrified for the moment. Kanan’s standing directly to her left, and Zeb directly to her right. The Lasat looks positively nauseous. All three of them have very clearly heard most if not all of what he'd just said to Hera judging by their varied expressions and none of them are taking the words particularly well at the moment. Sabine's expression is swiftly morphing from horrified to something closer to furious. Zeb looks about as depressed as Ezra's ever really seen him. Kanan meanwhile just looks somewhere between resigned to what he's hearing and almost unspeakably saddened by what Ezra's just said. Almost as if he's somehow seen this conversation coming when it was still at a decent distance.

Ezra licks his lips, then, tilting his head toward Kanan a little bit respectfully, then he shifts his gaze back to Hera again. The Twi'lek pilot looks as if Ezra’s literally punched her in the gut. Which maybe he has, by speaking a hard dose of partial truth about things that have happened that she has needed to hear for awhile now probably. “Truth is rarely fair, Wren." He informs Sabine, then, "Probably because being kind has never been the larger part of its job description. Still, let me do us all a favor right now and just cut straight to the chase here, okay? I have *no interest at all* in being part of your crew you guys, all right? And I never *will.* We have completely different and non-compatible life philosophies. We value very different things. It's won't work you guys, and so I need you all to stop badgering me about the subject so constantly please.”

“...Kid.” Zeb’s voice actually breaks a little when he finally speaks. “Yes, I screwed up the other day. Badly. You’re right about that much, and Karabast do I ever regret it. More'n I can probably ever say. But Hera and the others didn’t know what I was actually doing till it was already too late. For kriff's sake Ezra, don't judge our entire lives jointly by one of my stupid, selfish, temporary decisions! Hera would never have taken off from that ship in the first place if she had known what I actually did to you, Ezra! And when the other found out what had actually happened, we all voted on it, and then together we *all* came back for you.”

Ezra snorts softly. “But you had to take a vote before you did back, didn’t you, Zeb? And was it a unanimous decision, or did I just barely squeak by when said vote happened like I'm guessing?” Hera and Kanan in particular both flinch hard in reaction to that particular set of comments.

Ezra knows damn well that it hadn't been a unanimous decision to return to the ship in order to free him at the time. Largely because at one point in his own original timeline a medicated Sabine had apologized to him profusely concerning the subject. And kriff but Ezra's an absolute asshole right now. One who is apparently prepared to use acts for which he’s already forgiven the others in his own timeline differently here in this one in order to further his current agenda...

Meanwhile, the entire group’s silence is answer enough to his last question. Hera looks like she's literally going to vomit. Ezra quirks his lips upward toward her with with a look of genuine sympathy, before once again schooling his features to calm stillness. Force but he wishes at this point he could just be done already with all of this awful messy business. “Yeah, I kind of thought that might be the case. Forgive me, guys, but I have no desire at this point in my life to live in a world where I’d constantly have to be playing that kind of game of odds game with my neck over and over again. Not when I already know how badly the universe has always stacked that particular of deck of proverbial cards against me.”

“Ezra you wouldn’t..." Hera roughly clears her throat, before finally speaking up again. "You can’t possibly think that we'd ever...that that's the type of thing that would ever happen again in the regular day to day!”

“No, Hera." He bluntly replies, "As I already said you're all trying really hard to be decent, people. It'd just mostly likely become a real issue again at the times that I could least afford to deal with it. And that's not the kind of gamble I'm willing to take with my life any more. Not again. Because kriff it but somebody in the karking galaxy better try and value me as much as that hypothetical boy prince was supposed adored by my parents, even if for that someone turns out for now to just be me.” 

Ezra closes his eyes a moment, and sends a silent near prayer upwards. ‘Forgive me, Mom and Dad. Forgive me, Master, for being so selfish in how I'm doing this. I never blamed any of you for what actually happened – not rationally any way. But you're all three of you gone now and I won’t... I literally *can't* live through this same end to this story all over again and come out sane in the end. This is all I can think to do at the moment, and if it's ultimately going to be the cost of my really changing the narrative then that's fine. Take your eventual pound of flesh in penance. It's all yours, without complaint I truly I swear it. Just please... let them all live and manage to be something actually close to happy.’ 

“Look, Hera," Ezra finally continues after another long moment or so, his voice very gentle now. His tone to one side of pitying. "The truth of that matter is that I basically hijacked you and Kanan's robbery on the spur of the moment the other day when we were all in the market. That was my move, okay? And then you guys let me onto your ride - that was your move. I’ll even freely admit right now that yes, it was the right choice for all of us to make at that particular point in time, and it helped save a lot of lives as a result. Still, the truth of the matter is that that my coming aboard when I did, was all about the right thing for me to do in short term. It was never intended to be anything but temporary. Because let's face it the fit’s just plain wrong between me and the rest of your crew. Which means that it's now time for me to permanently disembark from this wild ride somewhat graciously,” He gives Hera a small smile of false humor then, “Hopefully with enough mutual respect and dignity left between the six of us that there's a better than decent possibility that we'll still remain allies if not the closest of personal friends, if we all ever happen to stumble across each other at some future date. Because yes, Hera, I'm pretty karking sure that given the galaxy we live in, that will happen at least.” 

Ezra spreads his arms wide then, his smile falsely cheerful. “And there, you guys, endeth my patience with any further attempts at ongoing recruitment. If the subject is even mentioned in my presence again 'm just going to get up and simply walk away and if that’s a deal breaker for the rest of you then...” He gestures to the IV tubing hanging from his arm. “Well then after this dose, it's also time for me to discontinue my Amalyn treatments. We can all just say bygones at this point and starts making our own separate future plans.”

"Like Hell, kid..."

“No, Ezra!” Kanan and Hera both speak up simultaneously. Kanan with an almost eerie level of calm in his low voice and Hera with something that sounds very, very close to panic in her own. Then the two of them trade long looks for a moment, before Kanan continues in a low tone, apparently temporarily taking on the role of speaker for all of the rest of them. Because Zeb still looks shell-shocked beyond the use of any real words at the moment and Sabine is currently somewhere between irate, flabbergasted and incredulous. Kanan though, just reaches up a hand and calmly rubs at the back of his neck for a long moment or so, a million mini-expressions flickering over his face in a heart beat, including something that may be the grudging giving of credit.

“That was…that was one hell of a karking nuclear arsenal truth that you just dropped on all of us, Ezra. I mean seriously, *Sith Spit,* Kid. Next time give us all a little warning first okay? If only so we can all brace for impact?! You just pointed out some stuff that's gonna require some soul searching in all of us - I will definitely give you that. That acknowledged, Ezra, whether we can change your mind or not about staying on as crew on the Ghost or not at this point, if you really want to remain allies like you just said sometime down the road, than for the time being you at least owe us the chance to think over what you just shared for awhile and then provide some kind of coherrent response of our in reply. I figure that we can all probably manage to do at least that much by the time that you're finishing tittering down off of your Amalyn."

Ezra sighs but nods in a little consent, "All right. If you think it'll help. But I also meant what I said, Kanan, I am literally deaf at this point to any further attempts at recruitment. I'm not going to be having and more discussions with anyone on that subject."

"You won't need to, Kid. Because given what you just said, and the conviction with which you just said it, I am currently declaring a complete and utter cessation of all recruitment based talk, indefinitely - or at the very at least until after you and I get back from our trip to the temple in another week or so. Since we both agreed earlier that we would go out there. And Ezra? I am still holding you to that promise. Because even if you are not staying on the Ghost as crew, we are force damn well still going to make sure that you at least have a chance to replace your lost lightsaber if only for basic security reasons."

Ezra chews his lip for a moment, and then he nods his head. "That's fine with me, Kanan. I mean you'll benefit from knowing it's location as well. So when do you want to head out there?" 

"As originally agreed, Ezra once you’ve finished up the last of your Amalyn, which probably means by the end of next week,. Which reminds me while we're on the subject since I promised I would ask, Hera – may Ezra and I borrow the Phantom for the trip out to the temple on the weekend that the two of us make that trip?

“Yes.” Hera agrees with a brusque nod of her head. "You absolutely can." Then draws in a deep breath, “So long Ezra here also agrees in the meantime to follow two specific conditions.”

“Those being?” Ezra says cautiously, after awkward, quiet moment.

“One: Your Amalyn doses…and I do mean *all* of them, Ezra, will be done here onboard The Ghost. Where there’s a reliably sterile medical environment like the one in medbay. And until your tittering is done you will also minimize your time spent in the Capital. Because cities are naturally dirty places by nature, Ezra and one – just *one* serious contamination near or at your port site could cause an infection that could have major repercussions and lead to a need to antibiotics. If we’re supposedly going through all of this with the Amalyn in order to heal you up enough to defend yourself from the ISF, Ezra then we are at least going to do it right and finish up the infusions wisely!”

Ezra nods, shrugging his shoulders. “That term is acceptable to me, Hera. And condition number two?”

“You'll do absolutely no more pick-pocketing during that same time period either, Ezra. Until both the temple trip is over and you IV port is out for good. Until that point, we will cover your meals instead, in exchange for your help with some basic maintenance and repair work here on the ship. Kriff – come to think of it I’ll even go one farther with this deal than that at this point. You said that you have people that you are going to be looking for off planet, right? Family or friends of your master’s or your parents or something like that?”

“The former, Hera.” Ezra acknowledges with a small dip of his head. "I have names, contact numbers and a couple possible home systems."

“All right then. Help me clear out my repair queue, Ezra - which should take probably two weeks at the very, very most - and then also thoroughly clean out all the vent systems on the Ghost before you leave and in exchange for all that labor on your part, Ezra, I will fly you to at the very least the first departure point off of Lothal in that manhunt. And I will also help you get a decent set of fake ID to help keep you under the Imperial radar while your travel. Consider the fact a partially self-serving last gesture of goodwill on our parts since our information is equally compromised if you end up getting captured or questioned.”

Considering that he is fully intending to track down *Rex* if he possibly can? Ezra considers the idea of allowing the Specters anywhere near his actual manhunt to be nothing more than a massive Kanan sized meltdown literally waiting to happen. But then again, the rest of them don’t have to know that at this point, do they? Maybe Ezra can just get them to take him to Gorse or to Alderaan or somewhere else significantly populated like that and then successfully ditch them there at some point. It’d increase his chances of being able to make contact with Hondo more easily than he could do so on Lothol, as well as eliminate the need entirely to bargain with Vizago to get off of Lothol- which Ezra is absolutely all over right now just from a security standpoint.

He chews his lip a moment thoughtfully, then nods. “Agreed, Hera. But only with one added condition of my own. That condition being that I get full access to my Tower whenever I’m not actively being dosed or performing maintenance here on board the ship just so long as I also fully cover and wrap up the port before I come over here to visit. This place is my home after all and I’ll need to do some sorting and disposing of things here for several days before we can finally leave the planet. .”

“You can come over here in the daytime Ezra, but not stay at night to sleep.” 

“Hera...”

“Do not try my patience right now, Ezra." The Twi'lek shoots immediately back, scowling a little, "This is a good deal - a *very* good offer that I'm making you presently, and the both of us know it. If you want to come back over here mostly to pack, as you say, then at night you won’t even be able to see to do so anyway. We're teen minutes walk away at most. There is no good reason to sleep in the cold rather then back on ship if we're trying to actively guard your health when it's well below freezing.” And yup – there it is - Hera’s eyes have officially gone from distressed and a little bit shell-shocked to stubborn and just short of outright angrily flashing. Which historically means that if Ezra knows what’s good for him – and yes, he generally he does - then right about now is when its time for him to immediately agree.

This isn’t a perfect situation by far, Ezra's more than aware of the fact– but it’s also a lot less messy of an outcome than he’d initially hoped for at the beginning of this particular conversation. It's a genuine compromise that truly helps all of them - well if Ezra assumes that the Specter's biggest payoff will be both his labor and the the eventual location of the Jedi temple here on planet. His own greatest challenge in the meantime is probably just going to be maintaining a constant layer of emotional distance between him and the rest of Specter crew over the next few weeks - he'll have to be careful to maintain a chilly distance and not let them crack through his facade enough for any of them to start doubting the sincerity of his position again before they finally all truly part ways.

Ezra's eyes go from Hera – who’s still clearly waiting for his eventual answer, to Zeb who’s staring down at the floor at the moment, to Sabine who’s glaring a hole through the far wall with the intensity of her outrage. Then they shift over at last back over to Kanan on more time. The older man just raises a perfectly calm, perfectly unimpressed eyebrow. Exactly like he had nearly three weeks before when he’d first stumbled across a drunken Ezra after the Wookie mission in the market. 

That is Kanan's skeptical, if infinitely calm *Master* face back in full force at the moment. What the kriff had Ezra missed over the last couple of hours with Kanan?

“Well Kid? What’s it going to be? Yes or no?” Kanan asks him then, very calmly.

“Agreed under all present terms." Ezra said, "And formally bowed on officially once I’m actually capable of standing.”

“By the honor of your blood?” Kanan returns, his eyes glittering just a little bit dangerously as he says those words just a little bit darkly.

Ezra blinks at that word choice. When the kriff exactly had Kanan learned the oldest of the oaths from here on Lothal? Ezra feels a prickle of unease run up his back, then, but he nods at the older man nonetheless. Because yes Ezra knows that Loth-wolves do in fact exist, but he has no desire to be the sort that would get eaten by one of them for oath breaking. Besides this is a good deal, Ezra figures, there shouldn't really be the need. “By the honor of my blood Kanan, and by the lives of the ones that I hold most dear.” He rejoins, sealing the bargain by actually completing the full oath as he does so, trying not to think all the while about the inherrent irony of what he's actually just done. If he breaks his word at this point then if the old stories are completely true then both he and the rest of the Specter Crew could be dubbed walking wolf chow.

“All right then.” Hera sticks out a hand for Ezra to clasp in what is probably a distinctly Rylian oathing fashion. “We’re going to let your current drip finish up now, Ezra and then after we’re all headed back to the Ghost’s new berth so that we can have a real meal and clean up a bit. Let us know in the meantime okay, if you start feeling nauseous or need you anything to drink or eat.”

“And where is that new berth right now, Hera? I mean Kanan said that you guys decided to move the ship over to the south end of the Capital right? Where exactly?” Or Ezra thinks that's what the older Jedi said to him earlier anyway... Kanan’s initial arrival had been distinctly fuzzy for Ezra. Probably because of their brief moment of contact that had immediately started the broken bond screaming bloody murder again and ultimately necessitated his need to take more morphine.

“We're parked south by south-west in the field about ten minutes that way.” Hera says, pointing out through the door and out into the far distant grasses. “And by the way that's where we’re going to be staying, Ezra until the day that all of us finally pack in and leave the planet.”

Ezra frowns deeply in response to that new bit of information. “What?! Wait now guys– seriously?” That particular move hardly seems sporting in Ezra's current opinion. Kanan just smirks at him slightly while at the same time Sabine comes forward in order to stand beside him as well, smiling at him with all of her sharp, shark bright teeth.

“Congratulations, Bridger," She says to him calmly after another moment, crossing her arms over her chest, and gazing down at him calmly. "How should I put this right now for the record? Ah yes, how about this: this is us now stalking you *officially.*"


	8. Reassessments and Revelations (Updated)

A/N This chapter is especially for DarthBreezy - who has been pushing me since the first week I met her to be braver in showing my own take on ChopperVoice in public. I hope this nicely satisfies that itch for awhile my friend...and that you are feeling better from your Death!Flu soon!

*****

“You’re quiet tonight, Hera.” Kanan observes softly, sinking down into the galley seat across from Hera. “Some people might in fact say that you're actually brooding. Which isn’t generally your preferred aesthetic."

Hera’s lips twitch upward a little as she lifts her gaze from her caff mug, raising her eyes to meet his, only albeit only very briefly before she looks back down again. “Yeah well, most days I also don’t get philosophically *spanked* by a black-haired, blue-eyed nightmare of a teenager who's only fourteen years old and technically not even as tall as I am yet.” She exhales softly, rubbing at her forehead before taking a nother sip of the steaming beverage. “Little Gods, Kanan, I should've under the current circumstances, but I did not see that particular take down of Ezra's coming."

Kanan makes a sympathetic sound in reaction, reaching out across the table in order to briefly squeeze her hand tightly, "You may be being a little hard on yourself at the moment here, Hera. Ezra blindsided all of us to be fair with that little speech of his."

"Am I really though? I mean kriff, Kanan - he wasn’t even inaccurate or particularly cruel in how he handed all of us our proverbial asses . He was just well, basically ruthless in eviscerating any hope that I had harbored that things could possibly go easy. Ezra’s dead certain at this point in his life that he knows exactly how the future’s going to play out for him, if he stays on The Ghost. And I’ll be kriffed right now Kanan, if I know how to even start meaningfully contradicting him. I mean he'd probably take the rest of us trying to force him on board The Ghost at this point as a literal fight for his life to the death."

Kanan winces, “Yeah. I know, Hera. It’s actually what I was trying to talk to you about earlier when I warned you. May I also assume that *you* also know at this point that the moratorium I just called on all recruitment talk from here on out is only between Ezra and the rest of us while you and I try and regroup and reassess and not an end to that topic completely. Or were you actually serious when you told Ezra earlier that you're fine with helping him track down his master’s old friends so he can stay with them as an alternative? Because if you really are, Hera, then we definitely need to talk some more concerning that. 

Hera snorts softly, “Oh Sith Hells no, Kanan. I mean yes - I will help Ezra track down these friends of his master’s if he really wants to. But even when we do find out where they are there’s literally no way in kark that I’m just leaving Ezra *anywhere with anyone* that we haven’t fully vetted first. Not when he just admitted outright that he still wishes he’d just died at the same time his master did. I mean that's one step short of full on suicidal ideation, loud and clear." Hera motions helplessly with her hands. "I mean yes - there are clearly some massive trust issues that are going going to take some serious fighting through in order for us to eventually get him past them, but the truth of the matter is that I only spun the deal with Ezra that I did in the first place because he was in process of aggressively detaching himself from the rest of us at the time like we were...like we were some kind of actively virulent infection. He would have sacrificed a karking limb at the point he was back-peddling so quickly and I had to…”

“You had to try and give him something....”

“Yes! Even if I did it the wrong way, Kanan, I just…”

“You did just fine, Hera. You bought us a bit more time. Which is what we probably need the most right now under the current circumstances.”

“And what about you, Kanan?” The Twi’lek pilot stares at him hard then for a couple of long intense moments, her entire forehead crinkling in confusion, “How are you sitting just there looking as cool as a cucumber right now, Love, instead of brooding or panicking right now as badly as I am?”

Kanan smirks at her just a little. “Because Ezra unwittingly called me ‘Master’ today, Hera.”

Hera blinks at that announcement a long moment or two before replying hoarsely. “He what?!”

“He called me Master, Hera." Kanan repeats the words with a small shrug of his shoulders, "Admittedly only while he was high as a kite on morphine, and I’m pretty sure at this point that he’s completely unaware that it even happened judging by how normal he's been acting around me ever since. But still, it did happen, Hera, and at the time he absolutely kriffing *meant it.*”

“So he trusts you, then, at least subconsciously, anyway. Well I guess that's got to count for something at least right now.” Hera grimaces, though Kanan suspects that it is actually meant to be an attempt at an actual smile instead. “It’s just the rest of us that Ezra apparently trusts about as far as he can pick up and throw The Ghost at present..”

Kanan snorts. “Now that is a complete exaggeration, Hera, and we're both more than smart enough right now to know it. May I remind you that the kid who insists he has no desire to continue working with us because we're 'not to be trusted' is currently down the hall asleep in our med-lab because he's been letting us *medically* treat him for his psychic shock ever since he first came back on board ship even when that involves us regularly drugging him nearly senseless in the process. Ezra's concept of how to identify and treat real threats in his life is clearly rather 'sketchy' at present.”

Kanan lets out a rough little snort of laughter then, his face twisting in discomfort. "Though to be completely fair, Hera, I suppose that I should also admit that Ezra shocked me speechless earlier with how directly he decided to try to take your feet out from under you this morning up in his tower. Kriff, Hera, he went straight for all of our collective jugulars with that little obviously pre-prepared speech of his. Right now I’m still trying to figure out what exactly what him employing such a giant change in overall strategy indicates.”

“A change in strategy, Kanan?” Hera raises her left eyebrow.

“Hera, everything is either a battle or a game right now for that kid. What's more, Ezra gets more unpredictable and off-kilter with every hand that he's dealt as the stakes that he's playing for simultaneously get higher and higher. Which is why I think, that we’ve officially just moved past him ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room to him actively trying to kill the sucker outright via a round of sudden death.”

Hera blinks. “Huh. I hadn’t really thought of it that way up until now.”

“Yeah well, you weren’t *meant* to, now were you, Hera? Remember that that little speech of Ezra’s only really works if you automatically assign him the entire moral high ground in the wake of that little smackdown he dealt you. Instead of simply acknowledging that yes, in that one smaller line of discussion he had some points that deserved some acknowledgement. Moral authority in one small portion of life doesn't equate to moral authority in all areas though, Hera. No matter how much automatically dipping your head to an opponent who’s just smacked you silly in round one is a natural thing for most of us to do.”

Hera studies him for a long moment then, her lips twisting up a little wryly. “What is it?” Kanan mutters after a moment, squirming slightly under the sudden intensity of her regard. 

“It's nothing really, Love, ” Hera shrugs. “I guess that I’m just currently trying to figure out why exactly…” The words die off and she shrugs again more than a little bit helplessly...

“Why why?”

“Why Ezra, in particular, seems to have this consistent and profound of an effect on you, Kanan." She puts her mug down for a moment, rotating her head on her neck to make the muscles pop. "I mean yeah sure, Sabine has been on board the Ghost for well over a year now, Love. And her presence has always seemed -I don’t know stabilizing somehow for you? Or something like it anyway. Mentorship definitely brings out your better side, Kanan. But Ezra in particular has only been on board The Ghost for about three weeks now, and his presence has accelerated the process of personal growth in you to a degree that’s more than a little bit terrifying to watch frankly speaking.”

Kanan snorts in reaction to that particular confession, and then he spreads wide his arms. “Nine words for you, Hera: Lots and lots and lots and lots of *meditation.* Fueled by lots of bratty kid stubbornness and attitude. What can I say? You do what you have to do to stay sane in these kinds of situations.”

“Oh is that all?” Hera mutters back, as dry as a desert as she does so.

Kanan tilts his head and shrugs his shoulders yet again, “How do I put this? It’s harder to miss the obvious when you’re regularly forced into periods of prolonged self-reflection, Hera. Well unless you’re being deliberately stubborn or stupid or blind to the unfolding patterns within your own life anyway. My Master used to call it the power of practicing daily mindfulness. You can't see the world completely clearly unless you can also truly see your own place and roles within it..”

Hera's lips quirk up, “So what you’re essentially saying, Kanan Jarrus, is that all our years of blatant workaholism up until this point basically kept you so distracted that they enabled your long-running flirtation with immaturity by giving you excuses not to sit down on a regular basis and actually deal with your own kriff?”

Kanan winces at the word choice. “Well, that’s not the kindest way to put it maybe, Hera, but essentially yes that's the general idea.”

“What can I say, Kanan, kind doesn’t seem to be in any of our allotments this week." Hera sighs again and then she spreads her own hands wide, " So what are we doing next, Kanan? About Ezra I mean? Because I have to be honest here – I have no karking clue how to proceed at the moment. You’re the only one of us – except Chopper maybe Kanan - who seems to be having any luck at all at right now with the kid.”

Kanan snorts, “If by having luck, Hera, you mean that I’m finally at the point at which I’m both winning and perversely enjoying most of our verbal sparring matches? Then yeah, I guess that I am. If only because Ezra hasn’t really figured out how to outmaneuver people who can handle him when he’s being abrasive and it's kind of humorous to watch him flail around in reaction." Kanan rubs a hand down over his own face, feeling it heat up a little bit before he mutters, "Well when I don’t fall into the trap of letting him provoke me into blatant emotionalism when we’re actively swiping at each other anyway.”

Hera snorts at that – clearly involuntarily. “Kriff Kanan, you make it sound like you’re a puma that's wrestling with a tooka or a loth kit, do you know that? I'm starting to have flashbacks to all those stupid vids of Lions roaring to encourage their cubs to bite harder holo clips that were all over the web a few years back.”

Kanan laughs aloud – sharp and surprised at the image – he just can’t help it. “Not exactly no Hera. But thank you for the mental image, because I’ll almost certainly be using it in the days to help me retain my sense of balance.”

Hera raises an eyebrow, “So then you do expect more conflict to erupt between the two of you in the days ahead then? Even with the Moratorium currently in place?”

Kanan snorts “Oh kark yes, given what Ezra pulled today and his need to vent on a regular basis – at least a little bit anyway, when he finds himself under especially bad stress. I can almost guarantee you that our talks in the coming days are going to get progressively nastier and nastier as Ezra slips more and more often and accidentally drops his guise when I push him during our various conversations.”

Hera sighs at that, tilting her head to one side, “You know, I’m still not really sure that I even understand what you mean when you say that, Kanan. Because you make it sound a lot like you and Ezra are actually no holds barred fighting on a regular basis…but I? Still haven’t even really seen the rude side of him yet. At all. I mean yes, he handed my ass to me this morning, Kanan but he was incredibly polite while he did it. He's always on his best behavior it seems like when he's around me.”

Kanan snorts at that assessment, “Of course he was on his best behavior when he dropped that bomb on us, Hera: that was Ezra deliberately maintaining his temper and keeping his cool - both which he need to do if he was going to keep the upper hand so to speak, and simultaneously hold the moral high ground while he did it. It’ll be different when he’s stuck in a situation where he can’t pre-plan everything that he intends to say ahead of time or otherwise maintain any real emotional distance from his audience. And while we're on that topic, Hera,” Kanan sighs and runs his hand back through his hair, “That polite, mostly distant kid that we met during Ezra's first few days aboard The Ghost? Expect that he'll be making a comeback and soon, Hera. Kriff expect that that’ll be all that we’ll be seeing out of Ezra for the indefinite future. At least for as long as you keep up your end of the bargain just so long as Ezra finds no good reason not to do the same. 

"So what, you're essentially saying that you think that that little speech was the beginning him flipping his own switch over off of Hyde yet again?"

"Yup. I really, really do, Hera. I'm pretty sure that Dr Jekyll is about to step back into the center of the stage where Ezra is concerned. Only this time around. the whole act will seem a lot more like a facsimile of Ezra than it will like someone who's actually real. Because after all, once you realize the kid isn't shy at all you also start to see that Ezra actually shows most of his true self through the softer side of his sarcasm. All of which is about to as they put it 'leave the building.'”

Hera shrugs “That might not be such a bad thing on a strictly temporary basis, Kanan. At least in terms of the dynamic between Ezra and Sabine. She’s seriously pissed about his little speech from earlier if you haven't already noticed, Kanan. He’s really managed to push all her buttons. Though I can’t exactly tell you how or why his words even hit her so hard.”

Kanan shrugs his shoulders, “My guess is that it’s because she sees his attitude as unfairly punitive to our ‘happy little family' Hera. Which Ezra was right, probably does have some soul searching to do at the moment. Still, as far as Sabine's concerned at least our life together on the Ghost is still a hell of a lot more savory than what she left behind when she finally ran from her clan. She feels safe here on The Ghost finally, Hera, after a long time not feeling that way almost anywhere. As a result, she’s naturally very protective of all of us. We are her ideal - or at least as close as she can imagine getting to one, and it has really got to gall her that Ezra appears willing to forgive what happened but not truly move on or forget.”

Hera’s lips press together hard then. “Well, I can’t say that I’m handling that trait in him all that much better myself right now, Love. Ezra's attitude has me incredibly frustrated right now. I mean yes, I've always known that Ezra was prone to a little paranoia just because of some of his comments from earlier but I somehow overlooked his sheer level of ceramacrete level stubbornness. I kind of want to just shake him right now because he's just being so hard headed.”

“I think the better word for it Hera, would be 'self-defensive' - at least from Ezra's perspective anyway. I mean yeah, we may be decent people, Hera– who deserve a second chance on a logical basis. For someone like Ezra, though, using logic instead of relying on instinct usually just gets you dead. Life’s been tearing literal chunks out of that kid’s heart and mind for years and years now, if you want to think of it that way. It’s really not all that surprising under those circumstance that he’s decided after all is said and done to try and lock down whatever of himself he’s actually got left at this point.”

Hera scoffs softly, “It might not be surprising, no Love - but you also can’t possibly think that it’s even remotely healthy Kanan! I mean how in the kriff is Ezra ever going to learn what a healthy life or relationship actually looks like Kanan, if he’s already decided that he's already done with letting in anyone who actually tries to practice either or the above?”

Kanan shrugs, laughing more than a little bit bitterly before continuing. “Well on the bright side, Hera, he hasn't given up hope in its entirety. I mean he at least seems inclined to still trust his master’s old friends.”

Hera sighs deeply, “Yes, but does he actually know any of them really, Kanan? And if we do find them, is there going to be actual room for him in any of their lives, Kanan? Not to mention will they actually be good influenes for him? Because yes, I know that what we technically know about the man could probably fit in a little under two paragraphs right now. Given what we’ve both seen and deduced about he and Ezra's shared life thus far though, I’m not exactly inclined to take Ezra’s Master’s esteem as a particularly comforting form of personal reference. I’d feel a kriff of a whole lot better if these old colleagues that Ezra's so intent on finding right now were at least former friends of his parents.”

“You’re preaching to the choir, Hera," Kanan snorts, "As you are more than aware of by this point. What I wouldn’t give right now to have just ten or fifteen minutes in that asshole's company at some point.”

“Speaking of Ezra’s Master’s friends – what are we going to do when we do track them down, Kanan? Because unless one of them is actually another Jedi in hiding -which you’d really think Ezra would have bothered to mention by now if he knew about it – then you can’t possibly think that a literal stranger to Ezra, and a non-force-sensitive to boot, is going to be better equipped to deal with the current situation with him than you are?”

“No. They won’t be.” Kanan agrees without any hesitation.

“Plus there’s the issue with you, him and the Force. You said earlier that The Force seems to have some pretty strong opinions on the matter didn't you….”

Kanan snorts, “Strong, Hera as in literally screaming loud enough in my head right now to leave me kriffing deaf.”

“Then what are you going to do now, Kanan,in response to what amounts to Ezra's literal ongoing attempts at defection?”

Kanan shrugs again, “To be honest Hera, …I thought I’d start by just talking to the individual or individuals in question and explaining the situation. Preferably as calmly and as rationally as I can manage to do so.”

“As opposed to what?”

“Getting out my light saber and swinging it around like the deranged lunatic most of me wants to be at the moment.”

Hera pauses then, raises an amused eyebrow at that admission. “Is there something that you want to share with the rest of the class about your current mental status, My Love? Or was that just a colloquial over-exaggeration you applied just for the humor of it?”

Kanan lets out a hoarse laugh. “Right now, Hera, where Ezra in particular is concerned, I am probably much less rational then the rest of you are right now combined. I'm just also fully aware that it's a problem right now and I'm trying not to let things get too out of hand as things progress. The whole ‘Master’ thing, as much as it has settled a bunch of doubts that I have about the path we've been recently taking has only aggravated other instincts that I've got right now even further. I mean seriously, Hera: Ezra’s a karking mess who's keeps getting progressively worse with every day that passes since he came on ship, and I’m getting increasingly impatient as a result to stop slapping on metaphorical band-aids and get around to actually fixing the karking situation.”

Hera blinks at that confession, for several moments. “Uhm...Isn’t that essentially what we’ve already been doing ever since we first met him, Love?”

He shakes his head, “Force no, Hera! We’ve been triaging his surface issues, mostly, and putting out small fires as they occur as best as we can. All while at the same I'm basically ignoring the larger disease that’s slowly killing Ezra at the moment.”

Hera pauses at that, and shakes her head a little, “Okay so I know that right now he has no sign fever or other indications of physical injury that I'm presently aware of, so I’m going to assume that you’re being metaphorical when you say stuff like that that? Please try and restate the problem, Kanan, for those of us still stuck sitting up here in the non-psychics peanut gallery at the moment?”

Kanan snorts, “Basically, Hera? The kid may be doing his best to ignore it right now, most of the time but the truth of the matter is that Ezra’s practically choking on his own unacknowledged grief, fear and anger over all the kriff that he's endured and experienced. Everything that he refuses to acknowledge has hurt him is just stuffed down inside of him right now and it’s burning at him like some kind of acid, because he’s refusing to take the time to process and release what he's feeling like he should. Kriff, Hera, for the most part I'd say that Ezra's refusing to even acknowledge that the more negative feelings are even there at all for the most part - he talks about what he's experienced without almost any affect at all because he's got such an emotional block at present. Which would have probably have driven him completely around the bend by this point except luckily enough he accidentally found him an unconscious release valve for at least some of that unadmitted emotion via …”

Hera interrupts, “His sarcasm.” 

When the twi'lek speaks up, her voice is different, suddenly understanding, suddenly knowing. Kanan taps his own nose with the tip of his finger. “Yes, Hera. Exactly.” 

The pilot frowns deeply then, clearly still thinking this through, “But Kanan, if Ezra’s really about to go back into Jekyll mode again, as you just put it, then that means that he’ll be purposely shutting down his only natural emotional outlet for all that emotion again. It'll just pile up until it finally becomes too much for him to contain any longer

“Yes again, Hera. But Ezra doesn't know that, at least not consciously anyway, yet.”

“And what do you think will happen to him when the pressure inside of him finally builds past his ability to contain it?”

"He's going to to finally, like karking magma chamber is my bet."

"All at once, Kanan, or in a set of smaller explosions?"

Kanan shrugs his shoulders, “I’m really not sure yet. It depends on how and when it actually happens, and whether or he notices what's occurring in time to at least try and derail our ongoing efforts. Not that I have any intention at all of actually letting it happen. In terms or foreshocks, Hera, we could see him get increasingly physically restless. Or he could suddenly regain his thirst for alcohol as he attempts to re-harness his more negative emotions. Speaking of which, Hera, we’re going to have to tell the others to be on guard for that possibility especially over the next couple of weeks. And in the meantime during all of this, I’m also going to try and gently shove Ezra repeatedly toward the possibility of doing a little physical sparring with me, just to try and control the time and location of the inevitable meltdown when it finally happens.

"Which will only piss him off more probably, Kanan..."

"Probably yes. But even more importantly than that, Hera, every chance that I get in the next week or so I am going to be emotionally pushing Ezra as well just as hard and often as I possibly can on the sly trying to push him toward the inevitable end. Because the kid may not want to admit it, Hera, but some part of him desperately wants my approval at the moment. He clearly knows that I'm not happy with the present situation, and he's also well aware that all he can really do to make things any better is just agree to stay on - which as you already saw he's completely convinced himself that he can't. All of this together is thankfully creating a handy little internal conflict inside Ezra right now. He is going to be Dr Jekylling like mad over the next week or so just trying to politely ignore it, but Mr Hyde is at the party as well, and I intend to push him Hera, and push him and push him...”

“Until what exactly?”

“Until I finally manage to shove his stubborn, repressed little ass straight out of the sarcastic kiddie pool, and into the infuriated deep end. Because the kid is a walking pressure cooker as he right now, Hera. He's an explosion or implosion begging to actually happen and he's never going to truly heal, unless he finally starts to let go of and actually deal with some of these things that are currently hurting him.”

Hera nods in understanding at that particular pronouncement, and then her shoulders start to silently shake, just the tiniest bit. “Then what you’re basically saying is that you’re going to be trying to piss him off as much as humanly possible within the next week or so Kanan, in order to force Ezra into at least one *provoked* major emotional meltdown if you can possibly manage it?”

“Yup.” It takes Kanan longer than it should have realize that the silent shaking motion he’s seeing from his lover is actually repressed laughter at the moment. “Hera, what's so karking funny?”

“Nothing Kanan…it’s just that...well I kind of wish that I’d actually realized that earlier. Before I made our little deal with Ezra for instance, instead of just going with my own immediate gut instinct..."

"Which was exactly?"

"To just get on with outright kidnapping him and damn the consequences, Kanan.”

“And why is that exactly?” He raises an eyebrow, his head tilting. The Twi'lek pilot responds by simply looking at him.

“Kanan.” Hera’s voice is distinctly exasperated. “We’ve been constantly joking about kidnapping Ezra until he gets past the worst of his current stubbornness for literal days now. And yes, Love, for the record I do know that functionally those kind of tactics would never have worked as a strategy in an actual recruitment except an absolute last resort. Because after all you can’t force people into trusting you, can you? Not unless you’re literally neurologically brainwashing them. Coercion just doesn’t work in most case when you’re trying to prove your trustworthiness to other people - and fear tactics may get you what you want yes, but only at the price of your target fleeing after just as fast and as far as they possibly can unless you also break their minds or wills, neither which you want to do except in very rare circumstances. That all acknowledged, Kanan, can you currently think of anything more effective than literal kidnapping right when it comes to taking the safeties of Ezra anger after what he's just said to all of us? Press ganging him would have been the almost perfect method for setting him off under almost any other kind of circumstances. ”

Kanan snorts aloud - because no, Hera isn’t even wrong about that particular observation from a base line sort of context. Still: “Don't worry about it, Hera. I've got it covered for the moment. Because unless I’ve completely underestimated Ezra's mental state at this point, nine days of the rest you basically treating him exactly the same minus any talk of recruitment while I ruthlessly poke at his repeated attempts at self isolation with offers of shared meditation and or sparring and such should be more than enough to make Ezra finally epically blow his stack by the end of things. At which point if I’m actually right about all of this Hera, the real work of healing will finally have a chance to start. Because once Ezra finally does lose his cool and actually break down - probably after taking a swing or two at me in the process, then we'll finally get a chance to step in afterward and maybe...”

"Actually kriffing comfort him?"

Kanan nods, “I hope so anyway, Hera. It's certainly what he needs most at this point in time. I'm also hoping that somewhere along the way Ezra will also figure out on his own that letting the rest of us help him cope as he grieves doesn't permanently destroy or even really weaken him that badly.

"You really think that that's the root of the problem with him at the moment? Why he's trying to hard to leave no matter how much he's offered in terms of assurance."

"I'm all but positive, Hera. Right now, all that that kid really knows when it comes to relying on other people, is that everyone he’s ever tried to lean on, has always failed and then abandoned him. Be it to hunger or death or in the case of his Parents’ involuntarily to the street when they both went to prison.”

“Yeah but he clearly understands that *wasn’t* a deliberate choice on their parts, already, Kanan. His folks never wanted to leave him - or at least I assume that they didn't. They just underestimated the possible fallout of what they were actually doing. Like Ezra said himself earlier, they were just following their consciences, doing what they felt was morally right at the time. Kark I bet he knows that they were just trying to be good examples for him…”

“Maybe so Hera, but none of that leaves Ezra any less entitled to feel devastated by their loss or to struggle with ongoing anger over the consequences of where those same choices left him. Emotion *isn’t* rational, Hera. It's not supposed to be. Especially not when you’re a fourteen-year-old kid whose world had just kept on continually collapsing over and over again while you stand helpless to stop it from repeatedly happening. Good intentions on his parents' part or not, Ezra's still been through a very real kind of hell over the past eight years, Hera. He's been on his own and it taught him the hard way how little he can trust even love's supposed 'protection.'”

Hera’s nod in reaction to that is incredibly pained. “It’s going to be a major job, isn’t it? To get him to truly believe that he's genuinely safe aboard the Ghost verses just essentially chained at the very bottom of our rankings. Muchless to get him anywhere near healthy enough at some point to actually be ready to be out and ever on his own again?”

Kanan nods more than a little bit grimly in response to that assessment, “It’s going to be a long road ahead for all of us, yeah, Hera. With a lot of ups and downs along the way of both the good and the bad kind. The will be some really really positive days along the way along with some occasional terribly bad bouts of him backsliding. I’m gonna want to seriously whup his ass on occasion, I can all but guarantee it when he's being particular stubborn. And sooner or later Hera, *you* are finally going to get a real taste of either his anger or his sarcasm or both. As well as his occasional potty mouth…which Zeb wasn't lying about Hera. When Ezra's not holding back its actually very, very impressive.”

“You know, as strange as it sounds for me to be saying this right now, I may actually be kind of relieved when that finally happens.” Hera admits wryly after a moment.

Kanan raises his eyebrow at that, and tilts his head to the side. "Why exactly?" He asks her softly, now genuinely curious.

“It’s just…well how do I put this exactly, Kanan? I’ve talked to you and to Zeb and Sabine, kriff even to a little bit Chopper about their observations concerning Ezra's ongoing behavior, and I’m pretty sure by this point that for reasons I don't entirely understand I’m the unwitting recipient of some kind of double standard of good behavior whenever Ezra and I are in the same room. And honestly love, I’m pretty sure at this point that that's not even remotely a good or healthy thing.”

“Why not?” Kanan asks her, curious to hear more of her thoughts on the matter.

Hera sighs, “Because by the sound of it Ezra’s far more reserved, far more personally deferential– well on the surface atnyway, when the two of us are personally interacting then he is when he's with any of the rest of you right now, Kanan. But it’s also like…I don’t know, it’s like he’s more play acting some kind of character than he's being an actual person, and I am almost sure at this point that if I ever managed to dig down deep enough to actually find out why he’s granted me this special status then the actual reason for the difference is how he treats me is going to be anything but healthy. I mean you've all said in one way or another that Ezra essentially snarks in the same way that he apparently breaths - because that's apparently just how he processes the world and the stress he experiences in the day to day of living, but he's essentially locking all of that away almost as if he's afraid of instead of just respects me.”

“You know, I hadn’t really thought about it in quite that way before, but you’re probably right about that much, Hera. Though it’s also a little ironic for me to actually say so at allt. Because honestly I felt nearly the same way when we all first met Ezra after he first came aboard ship. I mean yeah, he seemed a little reserved around the rest of you initially, Hera, but he simultaneously all but flat out ducked and covered in order to avoid having to dealing with me directly. And the way that he pulled back away from my touch at the end of that first job didn't read to me as anything but blatant fear to me at first. Though thank kriff that guardedness seemed to melt away like ice in the sun pretty much the moment that the two of us finally started snarking semi-regularly.”

Hera snorts a little under her own breath in response to that particularly admission.

“What is it?” Kanan asks, tilting his head to the side in order to study her curiously.

“It's nothing, Love. It’s just: well Ezra kind of reminded me of the living embodiment of ‘just you wait until your father gets home’ whenever you were involved, at least initially, Kanan. As I’ve said before it’s like Ezra’s always been more than a little electrified just by your karking presence, Kanan. I thought initially that it was just some kind of adult male wariness pattern on his part - it wouldn't have been at all that unreasonable assumption either, given how he all but grew up on the street. Then latter on when I found out that he was actually force sensitive as well– and a former Jedi Padawan to boot - I guess that I just figured that maybe it had to be one of those weird Jedi hierarchical things at play. A little bit like a smaller loth-puma meeting and never taking its eyes off of a larger one when they came face to face essentially. Except in this case Ezra wasn’t actually looking to challenge your position Kanan, or steal anything from you or your pack such as it was, he just wanted temporary safe passage while he was actively in your territory." Hera lets out a whole body sigh, “Not that Ezra actually managed to get that from any of us in his own view by the end.”

Kanan sighs himself and nods. “I’m still trying to figure out how and when to intercede with Ezra and Zeb in particular, honestly - if I am going to do so at all. I mean yes, Hera, Zeb’s apologized for his earlier actions…earnestly and without any need for further prodding. He’s obviously feeling like kriff after everything that happened. But the same time, none of us can exactly force Ezra to trust him can we - especially under the current circumstances. And at this point there's no way that I can think of to naturally balance the scales between them ...not with out some kind of literally miraculous intervention.”

“Just ....let it go, at least for the moment, Kanan. I’ll talk to Zeb in the interim and try to mop up some of the lingering damage. Though Kanan, I really do also think that we should speak with Chopper, Zeb and Sabine as soon as humanly possible about your ongoing plans as well. If only to let them know what the kriff you're actually trying to accomplish. All three of them deserve to know, if you really are going to try and uncork Ezra’s rage in a deliberate campaign over the next week or so, how you’re going to be approaching it tactically. Both so they can help you subtly as it’s appropriate and even more importantly in my opinion, so they that know once Ezra finally hits his limit to try and keep clear of the blast range.”

“Aye Aye Captain.” Kanan smirks and then he salutes.

Hera points at him with a finger stern finger briefly. “Now don’t you sass me, Kanan Jarrus.”

“…But I thought that you were feeling left out of the sass olympics at present, Hera.” Kanan rejoins, waggling his eyebrows at her good-naturedly as he does so.

Hera rolls her eyes “And yeah we’re officially done with any serious part of this conversation if you’ve now shifted right back to full on flirting.”

Kanan grins at her, and shrugs his shoulders faux innocently. “What can I say, you were the one who just complained that you were feeling a bit bruised up by all of this chaos, Hera. If you like can probably help with that.”

Hera rolls her eyes again with another snort. “Ezra bruised my *ego,* Kanan. And don't even bother saying what you're clearly thinking. Though nice attempt, and points for trying at least.”

“How many points exactly?”

“...Not that many. Well for now at least.”

Kanan pouts a little bit more in response, but then he just shrugs his shoulders. “Fair enough I guess. Oh well I tried. Ah well – then back to more meditating, I guess. Well after I go and check in on Mr Personality one more time, I mean.”

“He was listening to an audiobook on his bed in Medbay the last time I checked on him myself, Kanan. I said hello and he just sort of half waved at me in response. Didn’t even bother to look up from his book and say hello.”

“Dr Jekyll.” Kanan shoots back at her almost smug.

“I’m sorely tempted right now Kanan, to buy and throw a datapad program at the kid's head on the basics of legible penmanship.”

Kanan snorts under his breath in reply to that comment, but Hera is in fact actually serious - well judging by her face. She pauses a moment then finally changes the current subject. “Kanan…sooner or later we are going to have to figure out how exactly to get a measure of Ezra's actual educational status currently. You do know that right? He's as bad of there as he was for regular feeding probably. And even if he’s not exactly heart set on attending university or something of that nature, Ezra does deserve far better than what he's probably gotten.”

“I know, Hera. His handwriting is literally awful and his sentence structure when he writes is the literal definition of atrocious…but at the same time Hera, his math and technical skills are actually really solid and he seems surprisingly well read considering his actual circumstance. I do kind of have to wonder sometimes, though, if…”

“If what?” Hera looks at him curiously, puzzled no doubt by the way that he’s trailed off thoughtfully for the moment.

“I’m probably seeing things that aren’t really there, Hera, but the truth of the matter is that I’ve actually wondered more than once if Ezra may actually be dyslexic.”

Hera blinks at that, “You think that he’s *what?*”

“Dyslexic. Well, maybe anyway.”

“...And why do you think that exactly?”

“Mostly? Because of a few things he does that remind me a lot of an old friend of mine in the Creche who had a similar issue. Also it's far more common in near humans then it is in Twi'lek.” He shrugs, “The kid is in no way stupid of course, no matter which way you cut it, but he still as a few ...odd quirks, i guess, that just keep popping up. I could be making something out of nothing though. If by chance I am right in my suspicions and he is then there is certainly no need for us to make some kind of big stink about it with him at the moment, especially under the current circumstance. Deal with the big issues first, and then later tackle small potential problems I figure.”

“You’re serious,” Hera notes then, just a little bit blankly. You actually think that on top of everything else he's had to deal with he's…” 

“I think it’s possible Hera, not that it's certain. And probably if I’m actually right and he is then that it’s probably a lot less crippling for him than it might have been to a kid who grew up with a different sort of life then he has. There are certain advantages after all, to learning to survive the way Ezra has on the streets - it's all mostly learning by doing - constantly hands on. If he is dyslexic I highly doubt that he even knows it himself at the moment.” He shrugs again. “As I just said our real focus needs to be on breaking him down then building him up again at the moment. We'll deal with the rest later if it turns out that I'm right.”

“And you’re going to start on that when exactly? Tonight? Tomorrow morning?”

Kanan shrugs at the question, his lips quirking up wryly. “Tomorrow morning immediately after breakfast I think, Hera. I want at least one night first to ride high and be smug about the whole ‘Master’ thing before I go right back to wanting to strangle him regularly at least.”

Hera snorts at that. “A wise plan. So who’s sitting watch on him tonight? Since as far as I know, he has been dosed with Morphine?”

“Me until I get tired. Then later tonight Zeb. Then tomorrow morning Chopper will take over for awhile. He and Zeb decided to switch shifts for the next few days at least if you didn;t already know that, Hera. I think until Zeb basically gets past the worst of the proverbial sting.”

“Makes sense. Well good night and good meditation then My Love, I'll see you first thing in the morning. Unless something important comes up before then. At which point of course please feel free to come wake me. 

“Good night to you as well, Hera. I’ll brew the Caf for breakfast as usual.” Kanan says rising from his chair, bending down to kiss her briefly on the fabric covering on of her shoulders, and the he heads off to find and check in on his erstwhile apprentice.

************

It's been seven days days now since her and Hera's bargain up in his tower and Ezra Bridger is aware of two things at the moment. Well two things that he actually cares about at least.

1 ) Kanan Jarrus is the biggest asshole to ever asshole anywhere. And 2) right now as a result of dealing with the above on a nearly constant basis, Ezra desperately needs both a large and *stiff* kriffing drink. 

Which is why, in the immediate aftermath of his lunch hour - and roughly seven hours before his next dose of Amalyn, he is ditching the vents of the Ghost where he's been working for the past four days straight for awhile and going into the Capital in order to find and steal a damn bottle of Brandy to get thoroughly plastered for the rest of the current afternoon. And if Kanan and Hera don't like it? That's just fine. They can either wait until he drags his ass home later on and yell at him, or they can try and track him down by the creek to glower disapproving. Though in Hera's case it is far more likely that the Twi'lek pilot with attempt to guilt him with extremely sad eyes, at least in Ezra's previous experience.

They can both go kriff themselves at the moment though - or each other if that's how they'd prefer it - because right now as far as Ezra is concerned an entire afternoon off and spent doing whatever the kriff Ezra feels like doing- well minus a very carefully covered and wrapped IV port of course, is his current 'living with you guys' banthakriff without completely losing my mind in the karking process' day fee.

"Hey Bridger!" A female voice calls out from behind him then - the yell punctuated by the sound of several approaching pairs of feet. Moments later Ezra can easily identify all of them without even turning around just by the sound of the footsteps and metallic squeaking. He doesn't bother to stop walking. "Chopper. Zeb. Hello to you as well, Sabine."

"So...." The Mandalorian falls easily into perfect step beside him. Her voice is not exactly confrontational at the moment...more almost, as terrifying as it is to actually say it, cheery. "So...where exactly are you headed to at present?"

"....I'm going into the city for a couple of hours, Sabine."

"But your deal with Hera..." Zeb immediately interjects.

"I said that I'd limit the time that I spend in the Capital, Orrelios. Not that I'd avoid the place entirely. Look, I'll see you guys around in another couple of hours, all right? I’ll be back in plenty of time for my nightly dosing, I promise. In the meantime, though please tell Hera she doesn't need to bother to wait on supper for me."

Chopper gives a derisive little beep in response to that announcement: falling in immediately on Ezra's right. Sabine shifting over to his left and Zeb falling in directly to the opposite side her as ."So Kid -" The Lasat asks him calmly, "Where exactly are are the four of us headed in town at the moment?"

"I need to buy a few quick things. From one of the Markets. With yesterday night’s sabaac earnings just for the record - so thank you, I guess, Zeb for the unintentional funding. Now if the three of you will please excuse me, I'm kind of in pursuit of some serious 'me time' at the moment."

Chopper electro-shocks him then - albeit lightly – in reply, his small arms whirring and his beeps escalating in soft accusation.

Ezra sighs heavily, pausing and pivoting to face him. "Okay yes *fine,* Chopper. I agree. I did promise you the labor on that upgrade that you want in exchange for your lending me the funds for the initial buy-in at sabaac the other night. Which means that yes, you are now welcome to come to the Market with me for the parts that upgrade will require. Just so long as you also know that I'm not going to be staying therefor all that long and that I won't be helping you carry anything back to The Ghost once we're finished. Because I have other commitments to see in the city after I finish up with my shopping."

"But you promised Hera, Ezra!" It's Sabine's turn to try and object, but Ezra just cuts her off with a cold glare and a raising of one of his hands. "None of which involve remaining in the city any longer than it takes for me to go pick up a couple small things, and please note that I said 'pick up 'Wren, - as opposed to 'pick-pocket.' After which I'm going to be headed back to my tower for a few hours to do some more sorting and packing alone. You know, so I can finally have some karking peace!"

"I get the feeling that he's feeling a little peopled out right now." Zeb leans over, mock whispering the words to Sabine.

Ezra rolls his eyes. "Yes. Thank you Orrelios. You are clearly a world-class yet undiscovered comedian. Now if you two will please excuse me and Chopper, we are about to get going."

Zeb bares a far to toothy grin at him in response, "Actually kid, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not actually the only one on the planet who needs to get stuff from the market this afternoon. It's actually pretty Karabast convenient that you're headed there right now. Weren’t we just talking about making the same trip Sabine?"

"I need more paint." The Mandalorian supplies, so cheerfully that Ezra wants to literally kick her. "And Hera has also requested that the next time that one of us go into town we should try and bring back some more decent looking fruit from the market if we find some."

"Then I suggest that the two of you hit the East Market in the city...they have a whole half mile of artisan products there, Sabine, as well as a great produce stand on the south eastern corner of the bazaar. Chopper and I, on the other hand, are going to be headed to the west one instead as it has a better electronics section there. If you guys like we'll even walk with you as far as the south district's main roundabout. But be warned in advance you guys that I'm not currently censoring my language, as I am now off of Hera's ship for the next several hours, and frankly tired of feeling like a choirboy at the moment."

"Ah...then you're finally giving up on the whole stuffed shirt routine that you've had going then? Glad to hear it, Ezra. It's been getting boring the past few days, if I'm totally honest. No one likes trying to live with a poorly fashioned saint." Sabine chimes in that reply automatically with a deliberate roll of her eyes. Ezra immediately stops walking in reaction, rounding on her very abruptly his nostrils literally flaring in reaction. Sabine for her own part just puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head looking up and down for a long moment. "So Ezra, while I'm actually thinking about the subject, have you considered yet how you're actually going to pay me back for your bets during our last round of gambling the night before last? I'm not trying to call in the marker early mind you, I'm just curious. Because yes you technically do still have another four or five days to either come up with or win back the amount I'm currently owed, but I am also more than willing if you want to just wipe the entire debt clean in return for you giving us your previous Master's real name . Which is quite a write off in your favor, quite frankly speaking."

And yeah, Ezra is officially through putting up with all of this ongoing Banthakriff. "All right, why don't you just fill me in here - because I'd serious like to know at this point, Sabine. Have you guys all started pouring literal asshole powder on your eggs every morning when I'm not actively looking, or have you just started taking private lessons from Kanan on being a passive aggressive little jerk? Because I'll be karked if I'll take this poodoo from all of you on *my afternoon off.* Take your passive aggressive commentary right now and karking shove it, Sabine!"

The teenage girl's eyes widen just a little bit in reaction to that explosion of words, her mouth falling just slightly open. Which is about the same moment that Ezra realizes that numerous small pebbles from the ground are now actively hovering in the air now all around him, shaking from the strength of his restrained temper. He closes his eyes then, inhales and exhales through his nose several times, shoves the heat in his chest and in his mind back into its iron lock box again and then he slowly opens his eyes again, the bits of rocky debris pinging into the dirt in a pattern of soft thumps all around him as he does so.

"You were saying, Sabine?" He finally asks her again after another moment, his voice now exquisitely collected - choosing for now to act as if he simply hadn't heard her previous comment.

But the Ghost's second youngest crew member doesn't bother this time to answer him. She’s too busy having a silent conversation with Zeb at the moment. One that Ezra is pretty sure involves the following: "Okay so now the kid has officially lost his marbles like we wanted him to in the first place, which one of us is going to stay here and keep an eye on the armed bomb and which of us is going to go and tattle to Kanan?"

Which really? Is just the last straw for Ezra's shot nerves at the moment. "Okay fine. Don't even bother to talk to me at all. It's honestly what I wanted in the first place, not that any of you seem capable of actually grasping that." And then Ezra is turning and breaking into a full-on sprint - headed down the hill and across the short swaying grass in the direction of the distant city several miles out in front of them. Chopper's thrusters whirring along beside him quietly all the way down the hill.

Behind him, twin shouts echo: "Ezra!"

"Bridger! She was only teasing! Get your ass back up here!"

He doesn't slow down for even an instant, though, because right now he is so done with all of this banthakriff that 'done' isn't really even an adequate enough word to describe it. Ezra Bridger has had enough. He's karking sick of all of this. He is heading into the city, he is buying (as opposed to stealing - because kriff it yes, he did in fact make a bargain) himself some Brandy and for a few kriffing hours at the very, very minimum, Ezra is finally going to be allowed to *stop thinking* for a couple hours about this ongoing mess.

And anybody who doesn't like it? Can go to the Sith Hells or to Malachor and back for that matter. Because Ezra Bridger is officially paralyzed with not giving a kark anymore about anyone else's opinion at the moment. He is taking the afternoon off and he is getting out of the battlefield that's in his damn head.

The run into town doesn't take them long at all: fifteen, maybe twenty minutes top. Force speed is handy that way, and Ezra’s finally feeling physically stronger. The liquor stand of course, is where's its always been for as long as Ezra can remember- and Karabast but today it isn't even adequately staffed. Ezra truthfully, could probably have walked away with three or four bottles without being noticed for the amount of creds he leaves on the far end of the booth in exchange for just one before he carefully tucks it into his backpack, not even bothering to look at Chopper's clicking disapproving response before he re-shoulders his satchel and then sets out through the open air market again.

"All right then Chop. Let's see if we can find the stuff we'll need for the work on you that I promised to do..."

They do find the needed parts with virtually no effort at all. After that Ezra waits a couple more minutes for Chopper to finish browsing through one of the few artisan tables that they encounter on site and then he pays for what he himself needs before he walks with the droid to the nearest end of the bazaar - pointing out to the grasslands in the near middle distance. "That right there is probably your fastest and easiest route back to The Ghost and the rest of the Specters at the moment, Chopper. Well unless you needed anything else from anywhere else before you go I mean?"

The droid whirs and madly twirls his arms in both directions in response to the question. Then he whips out his electro-prod and shocks Ezra one more time – clearly motioning to the younger man's backpack. Ezra sighs very deeply, folding his arm across his chest before finally speaking, "Chopper, I do not need any kind of lecture at the moment. Go home! Like I already said I'll be back to The Ghost in plenty of time for my usual dosing later on this evening."

There's a momentary pause of several seconds then, before Ezra's jaw literally drops open as Chopper reaches into his parts bag and produces... a kriffing pair of *beautiful* hand carved Lotholian shot glasses. Ezra blinks a few times, a little dazed, before finally speaking up again. "Chopper you're a droid, Buddy. In case you missed the memo, you can't actually drink."

Chopper opens his bag again in reply to that claim and then seconds later he shoves a small canister of crude oil at Ezra as well, then he stretches out his electro-prod again, as if in clear warning.

Ezra raises his hands up, "All right, all right, I hear you. If you want to come along with me boozing then no, I'm not going to try and stop you, Chopper. Just so long as you also promise me the same courtesy in return. Because I will take your company right now Chopper, but not judgement of any kind at the moment."

The droid whirs his arms in reaction and then beeps out several sentences in reply. "Foolish to judge you S6. Organics require regular hydration. Brandy is potable fluid. Select preferred imbibing location and S3 will even go so far as to also purchase any additionally needed snacks or other types of refreshments."

Ezra stares down at him again the , for several absolutely incredulous seconds, before he nods his head again, bemused. Because of course: Chopper is offering to help support teenage drinking. That would be his approach to being helpful under the current circumstances, wouldn't it. Some people never change. Also for the record, Ezra’s life has officially moved from the ridiculous, into the straight out comedic.

"You know what? Karabast - just screw my entire karking life at the moment." And then, at that, Ezra silently hands the shot glass back to Chopper - for the moment anyway, and pivots abruptly on his right heel, marching resolutely out of the market and silently up the street toward the over-sized City Center Dome and the nearer of the two public vehicle docking garages that are all but waiting patiently for him. The ones that are filled with a literal plethora of various jackable transport choices at the moment. 

Beside him Chopper beeps very softly, the astromech following along behind him in very clear in confusion. No doubt still trying to figure out what in the kark they are actually doing. Ezra reaches out and pats the droid's head dome in reassurance. "Don’t worry about it, Chop: I promise that we will get around to actually having that drink, as soon as I can possibly manage it. I've just decided that in the meantime that before that actually happens I’m also going to work on putting myself out of my ongoing misery. See that building over there?" He points to the parking garage calmly, and waits until Chopper beep in affirmation before he again continues speaking. "I'm going to go in there and 'borrow' myself a ride, Chop. As opposed to just stealing The Phantom this time around. Because no I'm not quite that level of crazy just yet. But I am leaving Capital City, Chopper and I'm doing so *tonight.*" 

Because honestly? Kanan already has the place's coordinates on file now whether he noticed Ezra input them or not, so he can get there on his own just fine. Ezra just agreed to go and get absolutely sloshed with only a literal Murderbot for drinking company. Which he thinks is a pretty good indication that he's already this trip out to the Temple off for far, far longer than is even remotely good for his currently teetering sanity.

Chopper lets out a couple of whirring sounds in response to that announcement. His response to the long string of words simultaneously insulted and also bemused, the flood of binary when he lets loose damn near close to affectionate lecturing. "Warning! Illogical Greater Strategy, Ezra Bridger. Transport Jacking: Logical. Suggested method of transport acquisition at present: judicious application of Jedi Mind trick. Result of said method of acquisition = greatest length of time before vehicle absence is ultimately reported to the authorities. Additionally Brandy = known organic intoxicant. Driving is highly inadvisable while under alcoholic influence. Alternate Option Suggestion: Leave driving to present inorganic instead and greatly increase the current mission's overall speed as well as general survivability.”

Ezra blinks at Chopper hard for another long moment. "Wait a minute here. You're offering to help me to 'run away from home' right now - is that in fact, what I’m actually hearing?"

There is another set of beeps, before Chopper replies again. "Confirmed, Ezra Bridger."

"Why exactly?

"S6 is clearly intent on fleeing The Ghost with an eighty five percent probability of success given S6's curent levels of determination. Safety outcomes must be mitigated for under such percentages."

"And so you're what?” Ezra puts his hands on his hips. “Giving up on stopping me from popping smoke altogether in favor of just letting me get it out of my system while also minimalizing the resultant collateral risk?"

"S6's above statement is the most logical strategy for S3 to employ at the actual present."

Ezra snorts aloud at that, starting forward toward the building again with a slight shake of his head. "Kriff, Chopper, Zeb’s right, you know that? You really are completely crazy. But you are also welcome to come along, just so long as you promise not to try anything stupid if you do."

There's a pause of several long deliberating seconds and then before, "Query posit: Why has S6 not revealed his time traveler status to S1, S2 or any the rest of the Specter crew thus far, given how much doing so would lighten S6's current burden?"

Ezra literally trips over his own feet in response to the question, only managing not to knock himself out on the road by absorbing the impact of the fall with his hands. Then he lays there face down, blinking at the blacktop for several long incredulous seconds, before he once again lifts his head, "Wait a minute, Chopper. You know!? You kriffing knew?! Since karking when?!"

There's a pause. Then a soft beep. "S3 did not know for certain, but the probabilities were calculated at a ninty five percent chance. S6 confirms/denies S3's ongoing hypothesis?"

Ezra can't help it. He laughs, so hard that his sides literally ache, and then he rolls over kipping up and onto his feet still chuckling. "Well come on then Chopper if you really want to drive then you can help me pick the vehicle of your preference."

"S6 is requested to answer the question before the continuation of S3 and S6's current mission."

"I will answer the question Chop - I promise. That one and any other reasonable ones that you have. After I'm like two or three shots of Brandy in, though, because right now I just kind of want to bask for an hour or so in apparently no longer being the only lunatic in this particular asylum."

"Confirmed. Does S6 need time to gather food or any other supplies like supplies for the trip to the Temple before our departure?"

It's such a reasonable and yet a completely banal question that Ezra literally can't help himself. He bursts into giggles yet again. "Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a good idea actually. The ride out there and back will take quite awhile, and I don;t have much for food right now in my bad. There's a shop down the street though, that should have just what I need." He pauses, "I don’t suppose that you'd cut me another temporary loan would you buddy? In exchange for more upgrade and maintenance? At least until I can either get to a Sabaac table or provide you with some helpful investment info if that’s your preference instead?”

There's a pause then, before Chopper beeps yet again. "Unwise. Advance acceptable in exchange for further maintenance however. New Query Posit: How old is S6 chronologically as opposed to biologically at present?"

"If I’m doing the math right – and I'll admit that it’s a little fuzzy, Chopper, then I’m currently nine and a half months past my eighteenth Majority. Give or take a couple of weeks."

"S6 = non-minor. How long has S6 been in current time stream at present?"

"On the day after tomorrow, Chopper, it’ll be nine weeks on the dot."

"Also confirmed. Was S6's trip to the past voluntary/involuntarily? Please note that S3 is already aware that S6 has not lied thus far according to all available bio-metrics. S3 is grateful for S6's honesty. Please continue to respond truthfully as you have up to now to all posited questions."

"The later, Chopper. I honestly have no karking clue how any of it happened. I just woke up in my bed in my Tower after falling asleep what felt like moments before that on another kriffing planet."

"S6 was crew on The Ghost in his original timeline: confirm/deny?"

"Yes. Yes Chopper, I was. For about four and a half years."

"New Query Posit: what are S6's intentions toward the Ghost and her crew at the present?"

"I'm just trying to save all their lives, Chopper." Ezra admits very quietly.

And Kriff, but speaking the words aloud is a tremendous relief after all of this time. Ezra desperately needs someone other than just him to know it. To know what it is that he's actually trying to accomplish right now. He needs to believe someone else can understand the real stakes at present.

"Specter Crew is dead in S6’s future: confirm/deny?"

"Not all of them no." Ezra blinks his eyes hard and repeatedly. "Hera and Sabine were both uninjured. You were fine - just a little banged up. But Zeb was comatose when I left. They didn't know if he'd ever wake up again. They didn't think so. And Kanan...well Kanan had recently fallen in battle. Admittedly he had a very noble death."

There's a long space of moments then, before Chopper reaches out, patting his hand gently against Ezra's lower leg. "S6 was Kanan Jarrus’ Padawan for four years in his timeline: confirm/deny?"

"Yes. Yes, I was Chopper." And Force but Ezra wishes that he could weep as he speaks the words, but he literally can’t anymore. There's nothing but emptiness and ice in his chest any longer in regards to that subject. He was Kanan's padawan but he won't ever be that again.

There's another long pause. and then Chopper's metal arm abruptly starts banging hard repeatedly on Ezra’s nearest shin.

Ezra takes several startled steps back, "Ow! What in the kriff, Chop!"

"S1 was the original source of S6's broken training link: confirm/deny?!"

"Yes."

"Conclusion obvious: Previous bond fracture is not healing as it should at this point because it remains partly patent. The link is still partially functional on your end and can be *repaired* with adequate assistance. S6 should tell Kanan Jarrus!"

"I can't, Chopper." The words all but crack out of Ezra's throat

"Request: Logic based defense of that decision.”

"Because if I do then it all just starts over, all right? History will only end up inevitably repeating and Kanan'll probably just die all over again."

"Request: Undisputable proof of this conclusion via repeated statistical analysis."

Ezra sighs heavily, “Look, Kanan died because he deflected the wrong target during a massive battle, okay? And he only did so because by that point in the time-stream, Chopper, I’d blinded him."

"....bioanalytics indicates there is only a 49.999 percent probability of truthfulness in the previous statement."

Ezra growls, low and rough in his throat. "Fine. I didn't actually deliberately burn out his eyes with a lightsaber myself, if you insist on being technical about it. But I'm responsible for opening up our lives to the asshole that did take his eyesight - very, very much on purpose! Either way, the loss of Kanan's vision was what ultimately killed him. And…and then Hera lost the baby that she was carrying at the time after she found out what had actually happened to him. Two lives gone in what feels like the space of a heartbeat, Chopper because I royally screwed everything up by being a kriffing idiot. And I can't, I won't let it happen the same way again."

"The statistical probability of the above statement cannot be analytically determined. Bio-analytics are also insufficient. Request for additional information on the specifics of the situation."

Ezra sighs deeply, "Like I already said, you can ask me anything you want, Chopper. I already promised you that. Just…can we please do if once we're on our way to the temple and I'm at least three shot glasses in?! Please, Chopper, I'm begging you here. It’s been a long karking week, okay and I desperately need a break at the moment."

There's a pause of several moments before, "Request accepted. Query Posit: does the store which you mentioned also have a compatible charging station?"

"I... I’m not really sure."

"Then S6 should go and get supplies as necessary. In the meantime, S3 will surveil all available transports within and fast charge briefly if that option is possible. Suggest rendezvous at the lower south entrance in approximately thirty more minutes?"

"I..." Ezra hesitates, then nods his head. "It probably won't actually take me that long. I…I promise that I'll be back just as soon as I can possible manage it. And Chop? What I just told you? You can not tell anyone else about any of that - I mean it!”

“S6 is afraid of possible paradoxes occuring if this information is shared with the others: confirm/deny?”

“Yes." Ezra swallows, "Among other small, minor things.”

“New Protocol: Information will not be shared with rest of Specter Crew unless statistics bear out its logistical necessity for the continued survival of one or more of the crew. S6 has not yet provided enough data for any further conclusions. More queries are required for additional clarity.”

Ezra snorts softly to himself, “Well then we better head out to the temple as soon as possible so that you can start asking more of them shouldn’t we buddy?”

“Confirmed. Rendezvous in fifteen to thirty minutes as previously described. Meet up and lower eastern entrance. Confirm/deny?”

“Yeah. And sooner than that if I can possibly make it. We probably ought to both hurry right now, Chopper.” Ezra clears his throat. “The sooner we get out of the Capital the better, truthfully. Because after what happened earlier, I’m pretty sure that once Sabine and Zeb actually get ahold of the others for any length of time, Kanan is also going to be coming into town actively gunning for me.”


	9. Qualitative Analysis (Updated)

Ninety-seven minutes later Ezra and Chopper are more than an hour and a half northwest of the city – Chopper in the driver’s seat of the open air four-seat transport, Ezra a very comfortable three and a half fingers of Brandy in. He's finally at the point at which the world around him has gone from nearly unbearable to something more muzzy instead. Something that is muted and distant and blissfully, blissfully quiet inside his head for the first time in literal days...

And with that additional distance has come complete and utter kriffing exhaustion.

“S6 is tired. S6 should try and sleep for awhile in order to restore the charge on his organic battery.” Chopper’s observation from where he’s driving is both calm and a just little bit chiding.

Ezra half waves, half flops a hand at him in reply, “You can just call me Ezra if you want to, Chopper. Well outside of secure communications anyway. Though I won’t be offended if you prefer to remain more formal for now. I mean I do know that I am still mostly a stranger to you at this point, even I've technically known you for four years no. As for my actually going to sleep...” He shrugs his shoulders for the time being. “I really am fine, at least for now, anyway. The Brandy is finally juuuuust kicking in.”

Chopper doesn’t turn his viewer from the road still stretched out ahead of them, “S6 is *not* fine. S6 is under severe operational strain at the moment and is no doubt also teetering on the edge of logic circuit failure due to the overload that is unavoidable in these kind of circumstances." There's a short pause before the droid gudgingly adds, " Admittedly S6 is also facing a highly statistically improbable situation at the moment, and is at least attempting to self-treatment his ongoing symptoms via the consumption of hard liquor, which may or may not be the most effective methodology for doing so in most cases, but also beats S6 knocking over a pharmaceutical dispensary for anxiety and anti-depressive medication at present. Without more information, S3 is electing to with-hold any further judgment.”

Ezra blinks a little at that long string of words just a little bit blearily, then he chuckles very softly, tilting his head just enough to study the droid. “Well, you’re certainly not pulling any verbal punches at the moment, are you Chop. Not that I really mind all that much if I’m honest. It's been a long few months after all, and at this point the chance for candor is…” Ezra shrugs, pours himself another shot of Brandy from the bottle on the floor. “Just really, really appealing.”

The droid pivots his eye camera to look at the teenager for a moment and then he pivots it back to the front of the moving vehicle. “S3 reasserts that Ezra Bridger should tell Kanan Jarrus the truth about what has actually happened. Or S6 should at minimum confide in Hera Syndulla regarding some of the specifics of his current situation. Doing so would greatly mitigate S6’s current levels of stress.”

Ezra snorts in response to that more than a little bit acerbically. “First - what you tell Hera, Chopper, Kanan will almost immediately find out and vice versa, as I'm sure you already karking know. Second: No, it really, really wouldn’t make things any easier at this point. If anything it'd probably result in just the opposite. I’d probably just end up in the kriffing looney bin. Or worse yet, Kanan might actually believe me just enough he'd want to confirm it was a closer look inside of my head and the old bond and some of my more recent memories, and frankly stated Chopper, he'd be safer wandering around in a snake pit.”

“The Ghost’s med kit packs a broad spectrum of anti-venom if one should become necessary, Ezra Bridger.”

“Not for this kind of snake it doesn’t. Look it’s plenty just to have one of us flirting with full on insanity because of what happened all right. My head's a karking mess at the moment and I can't guarantee that I could adequately protect him from psychic damage if he actually got past my shielding. I know they say to share your burden, Chopper, but I’m feeling distinctly greedy about my levels of mental instability at present.”

Chopper side-eyes him thoughtfully for several long seconds before eventually replying. “S6 has already stated on multiple occasions over the past few hours that he is trying to save Specter crew not to harm them. S6 biometrics also indicated that his intents were honest at the time. Additionally S6 was obviously close to S1 in his previous timeline, just given the intensity of the grief which he seems to battle in S1’s daily presence. S3 does not believe S6 would willfully harm S1 if it can be possibly be prevented. Well not intentionally anyway at least.”

Ezra shrugs, “I'd only actively hurt him if it were the only way I could think of to save him, Chopper. And even under those kind of circumstances I’d try and be really careful if I could. It’s one of the reasons that I kept on refusing his offers for hand to hand or other kinds of training saber fighting. I don’t…look I don’t trust myself right now, okay if he pushes me too hard? Not to lose grip, lose perspective…whatever you want to call it. Just to end up doing something really stupid without meaning to if I'm either to tired or too distracted. As my own master put it too me once, fighting when I’m emotional has always badly impacted both my shielding and my ability to react completely rationally. It’s just better for all concerned under the present circumstances if I avoid taking that kind of chance if I don;t have to take it, because the absolute last thing I need at this point is Kanan – especially when he's in in this particular mode – getting overprotective or nosy and trying to push his way in more aggressively through one of the cracks in my shielding when he doesn't know the truth about how or when we broke our link.”

“S6 does not trust S1.” Chopper makes the observation very quietly.

“It’s not that, Chopper. Kanan is a very good man. Kark, he was…he is... probably one of the best people that I’ve ever known in my life. He is…he was a lot like a second father to me, at least in my originating time stream. But he was… he *is*…also very, very protective of those whom he considers 'his own' or who he otherwise takes into his keeping. And he can become downright irrational sometimes about how strongly he responds to what he perceives as threats to their ongoing safety.”

“Affirmative. That particular trait seems to be a S1 and S6 commonality.”

Ezra shoots him a dry look in response to that. “Oh hah hah hah, Chopper. You're a barrel of laughs. I'm throwing kriffing flowers.”

Chopper shocks the teen in reply – albeit on his very lowest setting. “S3 was not attempting to be funny. It is a trait that S1 and S6 do share. S6 is clearly emotionally compromised by the situation in a similar manner at present. S6 is not considering all aspects of the current situation in an entirely healthy or rational manner. S3 is deeply concerned at present by this ongoing pattern. S6 must at some point acknowledge that he is making rationalized as well as rational decisions if he has any hope in the long terms of saving the rest of his crewmates and friends.”

“If that’s really your present opinion of the ongoing situation Chopper, then why are you helping me pop smoke at the moment, instead of just running away in order to rat me out to Kanan and Hera instead? I mean you're not acting all that logically right now either by that measure, technically speaking.”

There's a pause again. “Because S3 is still in the middle of analyzing the ongoing situation, which is highly statistically unusual. Chronal incidents of this type are not part of S3’s regular protocols, though S3’s programming is thankfully adaptive as well as heuristic. S3 is therefore attempting to analyze the ongoing situation as best as possible and S6 still currently possesses most if not all of the needed data for this effort at the moment.”

“Ah...So then what you’re actually saying right now, Chopper is that you want to pick my brain for at least a little bit longer before you finally decide whether or not to finally flip on my ass? Okay then, duly noted, buddy. Remind me to shut you down and dump you somewhere then at my earliest possible convenience.”

Chopper responds by shocking Ezra yet again in rebuttal. “Ow Chopper!" The younger Jedi scowls at him. "That was supposed to be a joke, you big bully!”

“Do not attempt to be mentally unstable and humorous concurrently, Ezra Bridger. It leads to unnecessary confusion.”

“Why the kriff not, Chop? I mean for force sakes, my sense of humor is practically all that I’ve got left of me at this point in my life. Excuse me for using sarcasm as an effective method of coping.”

“Please continue answering all posited queries, at least for the moment. Paradox is still theoretically possible if the current situation is not carefully analyzed and mitigated for in the days still to come. At present S3 finds the life that he shares with the rest of Specter Crew to be generally optimal and wishes for it to continue as long as it possibly can.”

Ezra's smile is wistful as he glances back at the astromech then, “Believe me Chopper, I more than 'get’ you concerning that particular mindset. So ask away. I've got nothing but literal time at the moment.”

Chopper shocks him again, his displeasure regarding the teenager's attitude clearly evident. “S6 is still being deceptive – as S3 has already pointed out on multiple occasions - to both himself as well as well as to the rest of Specter Crew, and what's more the the ongoing habit is becoming more irritating with every moment that passes.”

Ezra blinks for several seconds in response to that particular accusation. “Excuse me?” He asks, knowing that he really should be more upset at those words at the moment but right now he’s simply too absorbed in all the effects of the alcohol that he's drinking to feel much more than mildly indignant right now. Ezra’d never had that much to drink before coming back in time truthfully, a couple of different nights out, yes, when invited out with the other members of Phoenix squadron, but that’s essentially it. He also knows from those rare excursions out that he’s not an excessively angry drunk. Booze makes him philosophical, occasionally silly and according to Zeb and Sabine at least, incredibly sleepy and droopy and muzzy headed. Which means that right now Ezra mainly feels confused…and maybe just a bit little stung, by Chopper’s scolding string of declarations.

“It is true that S6 was not lying earlier when he expressed his concern for and his ongoing desire to protect Specter Crew.”

Ezra's brow raises, “…I somehow sense a massive ‘but’ oncoming?” 

“But S6 fails repeatedly to acknowledge his own greatest ongoing contradiction in pursuing that outcome at present.”

“Huh?” Ezra's forehead wrinkle

“S6 himself is – or at least was, once part of Specter Crew as well.”

“…And?”

“S6 claims that he wants to save the Specters. To keep them safe in the face of upcoming danger.”

“And again with the ‘but…’” Ezra snorts softly. 

“And S6 repeatedly and illogically refuses to acknowledge both himself and his own safety and needs at the moment.”

Ezra sighs deeply, looking over at the astromech. “Yes Chopper. Because saving the rest of them in this time stream requires removing me as much as possible from the remainder of their ongoing equation.”

“Warning: Fallacy, Ezra Bridger. If S6 is truly the source of all initial change in this time stream then S6 must stay both intact and relatively healthy just the same as Specters 1-5. Both in order to assure that all information is disseminated as needed and to help prevent the return of any oncoming danger that lead directly to S1's eventual death. Not to even mention to avoid potential incidents of paradox further down the line do to any already ongoing changes. S6’s role in the days ahead will thus be absolutely critical both in avoiding multiple serious obstacles that may well occur because of possible time stream divergence, and because S6 has the most potentially useful future information. Yet even despite this clear fact, S6 seems absolutely intent on leaving the Specters behind. Of leaving both himself and them unguarded in the process. S3 finds this choice on S6's part to be distinctly contradictory to his stated goals and aims. How does Ezra Bridger possible intend to save anyone as effectively or efficiently as he might have done otherwise as an unaccompanied minor child with almost no resources while willfully operating alone for the most part on what appears to be a purely solo basis?”

“I don’t intend to keep on working alone forever, Chopper. Nor am I without other resources I can tap at the moment as needed... I have other friends from the previous timeline that I fully intend to track down ask for help just as soon as I get off of planet. Good people whom I I know I can trust with the truth, who will help me if I ask them to because that’s just the kind of people that they are. Especially once they're made aware of the actual situation”

“S6 is referring to some of your ‘former master’s’ friends among others? Confirm/Deny?”

“Yes, Chopper, I am. The most important of that group being Rex.”

“And these allies are people who regularly interacted with S1-5 in your originating time-stream?”

“For the most part, yes. A couple of them we were introduced to at the same time but all eventually became good friends. Captain Rex, in particular, is from that latter group, and he's a very good man, Chopper. Probably second only in my own opinion to Kanan. He’s a former member of the GAR from the days of the clone war, a former command staff officer to General Anakin Skywalker himself, who taught me pretty much everything that I currently know about using non-Jedi types of weapons. On top of that, is my originating time-stream he also was an honorary uncle of sorts to me as well. We survived a lot a missions together - and quite a few were pretty bloody. That all acknowledged, I know karking well at this point that if I show up on Rex's doorstep and present myself as a former Jedi Padawan who’s master had recently died in the process of fighting several Sith, he and his Vod will absolutely welcome and then make a place among them for me.”

Well okay, maybe not all of them would do so without an hesitation. Ezra can be honest enough to at least acknowledge that much to himself, but he figures that he can also be discrete with all but Rex initially as to who and what he really is until the two of them can come up with some kind of better plan.

There is a long, weighted pause then. Then Chopper’s head pivots to better look at him. “S6 intends to defect from the Specter Crew at present in order to try and go live instead with one or more former *clone troopers?*”

“Yup.” Ezra throws back one last final shot of brandy. “Well assuming that Rex is willing to have me, anyway.”

Chopper lets out a long string of what Ezra knows from previous experience is the droid’s version of laughter in response to that admission.

“What?!” He grumbles, crossing his arms turning to the astro-mech and openly glaring.

Chopper only keeps laughing, pretty damn near to hysterically by this point. “May S3 assume that S6 has *not* revealed this particular detail of Captain Rex’s back history to Kanan Jarrus as of yet?”

Ezra’s look is distinctly dry. “No. Nor do I plan to ever do so if I can possibly help it before we all part ways. I’m nuts Chopper, not actively out of my damn mind!”

“S3 debates your present assumption about you ongoing mental status, but that is not critical to the ongoing situation at present. Query Posit: S6 currently has a standing accord with S2 concerning his transport off of Lothal and to Captain Rex’s current location in exchange for all the labor S6 is currently doing. Given S1’s and S2’s clear concern for S6’s security at the moment, how exactly does S6 intend to find this Captain Rex and secure his necessary allegiance while also avoiding S1's suspicions?”

Ezra shrugs, “Hera just said that she’d get me off of Lothal Chopper and help get me decent fake ID if I want one. Not that I’m going to be able to use said ID at this point if they’re also going to be able to use it to try keep track me of me. Keeping the others from finding out where I'm actually going at this point is actually ridiculously easy. I just need to pick a jump off point somewhere along the major trade routes here in this section of Space if I accept Hera current offer of a ride, so that she and Kanan both don't lose too much time or fuel in the process, and then I plan on giving them all the slip once we land on another planet, secure other transport and make the last leg of the journey to where Rex is actually staying independently. Well, that I don't just decide to find another ship off of Lothal after I'm finished up at the them and thus skip Hera and Kanan taking me anywhere off planet entirely, which is probably the smarter option at the moment.”

“S1 and S2 will be deeply angered by this potential course of action. S6 has both bartered and oathed in less than good faith."

At this point all they'd actually be out if I break my part of the deal is their ongoing assurance of my continued company. All of the work that I ended up doing for Hera over the past couple of weeks will essentially serve as payment for a ride that I won't even actually be taking and the stuff that I abandoned on the ship as well as the various spare parts currently laid out in the tower should more than cover any addition costs that any of them had while housing and feeding me. Not to even mention that Kanan'll eventually realize that the coordinates to the temple here on planet have already been stored in the navigation system if he goes looking for it. I deliberately entered all that data into the central computer quietly last week." "Nonetheless, S6, S1-2's primary concerns up until now has been the group's mutual safety up until the present, and such a departure is not likely to ease their minds or calm their tempers...Any failed failed attempt to flee in such a matter would likely end extremely unpleasantly for S6 if he were caught before successfully leaving the system. S1 and S2 are both highly unenjoyable company to be around when they are sufficiently angry.”

“Yeah, I’m more than aware… Remember that I lived with all of you for almost four years the last time around. ” Ezra shifts a little uncomfortably in his seat. He really needs to try and contact the Loth-wolves before he leaves the planet, honestly, just to be careful. He doesn’t think that the old promises in use on Lothal today are anything other than carryovers from the elder days gone by when the creatures interacted with the other sentients on the planet more frequently. Still…for the pack to harm the people he swore on the lives of when they were the ones he was swearing to, when he intends to violate said oaths for their own protection is more than a little self-contradictory. Ezra’s reasonably certain the wolves will agree on that point, and hopefully, deal with him directly and not on the others if it actually becomes an issue. “It doesn’t have to be a good plan Chopper just the best one that's actually available at the moment.”

“S6 is proving himself skilled both in manipulation and in less than honorable tactics. S3 generally approves of both skill sets when they are necessary to upset statistical advantages in high risk situation. However under these circumstances, be warned, Ezra Bridger! Deception layered on ignorance in this particular case only heightens possible miscommunication and confusion for all parties."

Ezra snorts softly at that claim. “Yeah well I’m hardly the only one guilty of hedging my bets right now, am I buddy? I’m not the only one who's actively playing mind games right now or hiding secondary objectives. And my motives are all honorable - at least generally speaking. I mean seriously, Chopper! I’m trying to slip the leash right now in order to keep the rest of them alive over the next couple of years. Well they in counterpoint are all apparently trying to make me lose my karking mind right now, for no other reason than they need better hobbies. If I broke the deal with Hera this afternoon first, then yes I broke it, Chopper, but it my own defense that choice was largely made in defense of my desperately crumbling sanity. Which is already on seriously shaky ground as it is. I mean honestly, Chopper: I’m current running away with a droid in a stolen government transport in order to go and try and get back my karking lightsaber. Which was essentially stolen from me by the time stream, before my formerly dead Master and my former Phoenix Squadron leader track me down in order to try and pressgang me. Does that sound particularly well adjusted life to you at the moment? Because I? Am thinking pretty much not in this particular situation.”

“…S3 did not see S6 pickpocket earlier today in the market? “

“I didn’t, Chopper. I didn't need to with all my winnings from Sabaac in addition to the other funds that you staked me.”

“Then S6 is technically still within the accord from earlier. S2 did not disallow grand theft of a vehicle in the original pact and S6 has also been doing agreed upon ship maintenance and cleaning in exchange for all meals and board. S6 has thus not yet technically violated the letter of the ongoing bargain that was agreed upon.”

“No." Ezra agrees, "I’m just stomping all over the spirit of the thing rather gleefully right now . I remind you Chopper, that originally this little jaunt I'm making out to the temple was supposed to be made *along with* Kanan.”

“So S1 would be aware of its location as well?”

“Yes. Among other things. And also to hopefully increase my own chances of actually accessing the site and eventually leaving with the supplies needed to make an actual weapon.”

“That intent is seriously compromised at present?”

“That intent was always compromised, Chopper, even as little as I initially wanted to face up to it when the topic was first raised. Look, Chopper - it’s always taken both a Master and Padawan to access this structure all right? At least in my own previous experience. Which Kanan and I definitely aren’t anymore – at least not as far as I have anything to say about it anyway. This trip is essentially a fool’s errand, for me at this point. Just one more wild goose chase for me to get out of my way before I finally get my ass off of the planet.”

Chopper’s arms whir back and forth in what is clear disgruntlement at this news, one pounding hard on Ezra’s shin one time in clear retribution. “Then why is S6 making this highly illogical journey in the first place? Why is S6 risking aggravating S1 and S2 this way when it is completely unnecessary?”

“Other than because I got tired of them aggravating me? Ow! Enough with the shocks, Chopper! Looks initially, we were coming out here together so that I could show Kanan exactly where this place actually is, Chopper. Or at least that was my reasoning for doing so initially. It’s Kanan's Temple now, after all: he’s the Jedi in the room at this point, remember, not karking me.”

“S1 is not here though. Why is S6 traveling to the temple at present if S6 expects to be denied any entry?”

“Because I’m both covering my ass and crossing my fingers at the moment, okay? I'm making sure I’m not shooting myself in the foot by just assuming that I actually know the will of the Force at this point instead of at least requesting access to be certain where now stand officially. I’m about to prostrate myself on the mercy of the cosmos, concerning all of this basically. After all, I may be physically fourteen years old again at this point, but I am four years older then that mentally at least, and what's more, just like Kanan at the start of my own initial apprenticeship, I currently have a fair bit of previous training. Right now, from the broadest possible perspective of the current situation I’m a former Jedi Padawan whose first master died recently in badly and left me all alone… and so now I’m seeking entrance into the temple asking for the means to guarantee my own personal protection if the temple decides I'm still worthy. And yes, that request could net me absolutely nothing at all for my troubles at the point if I'm right in my own suspicions, but even so the potential benefit if the temple lets me in to quest for a weapon is still equal to anything that the attempt might currently cost me.” 

Chopper considers all of this for a moment before finally responding. “S6 believes that he could be judged as non-jedi even when he and S1 current statuses are virtually equal essentially? S3 admits confusion and queries the reason behind S6's adoption of that particular assumption please?”

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not so much about the path we've walked so far as it is about the difference in our attitudes and priorities right now, truthfully. “

“Further qualification is requested. Elaborate please, Ezra Bridger.”

Ezra sighs deeply then reaches up in order to rub at the back of his neck wearily “Look…If it comes down to an actual choice between my becoming a Jedi or my saving Kanan’s life this time around, Chopper? Then it’s Kanan. No hands down - it's not even an actual decision for me at this point. I don’t have to become a Jedi – or anything else, for that matter to live a fulfilled life I just *want* to become one right now. But that dream is karking nothing to me under the greater weight of actually losing Kanan in reality. To me at least, family is absolutely everything – and protecting family as much as you can without going dark in the process outranks anything else for me in terms of day to day priorities. If saving Kanan is going to require my walking away from the Jedi Order, then I will, Chopper. And yeah it’ll hurt like the Sith Hells if it happens, but so what. That's the kind of pain that's survivable most of the time in the end. Burying people is far worse in my personal experience then just burying a set of old dreams. You can always get another set of the later if nothing else, for one thing.”

“S6’s current conclusions are logical. At least on initial analysis.” Choppers next string of binary has turned very decidedly grumpy. The astro-mech clearly isn’t happy with the explanation that he’s been provided but the droid also can’t deny any of Ezra’s current conclusions. Which for now Ezra is going to consider as something very close to winning.

He still snorts softly in reply, “Yeah. Thanks a lot, Chop, for that stunning vote of personal confidence on your part.”

“S6 is welcome. As S3 said before, S6 is tired and still clearly under great stress at the moment. S6 requires both sleep and eventually sustenance and re-hydration in order to recover from the past few hours of drinking adequately.”

Ezra yawns, widely, in a clearly involuntary movement. Then he smiles at the droid wryly, “Is that your way of saying that you’ve interrogated me enough at this point for your personal own satisfaction and that I should leave you alone to do some more processing?”

“Affirmative, Ezra Bridher. At least for the time being. In the meantime S6 should rest. For a short duration at least. In the meantime S3 will keep the watch and continue with driving. The journey to the coordinates you recently input into the nav sytem will take us another six hours to reach at least.”

Ezra nods his in consent, shifting slightly down in the chair, raising both arms above him and stretching. “Wake me Chop, okay? in another four hours if I’m not already on my own, or if I appear to be having nightmares before that. Before we get to the site officially I really ought to spend at least a few hours actively meditating in order to try prepare myself. And Chop...?”

The droid swivels its head. “Yes?”

“Thanks…both for letting me know that you do know, and for coming along so I could be safe about the driving. Even if doing so gets you in trouble later on, which we both know that it probably will at this point, I just…I really don’t know how to tell you how much I appreciated – how much I needed – a few hours of this particular kind of company from someone right now. It’s nice to feel a little less alone and crazy about all of this. I mean for a little while at least.”

Chopper doesn’t look away from the fields still out ahead of them, but one arm stretches out again, gently patting Ezra on the knee. “Ezra Bridger's sudden appearance amongst the Ghost Crew several weeks ago has for the most part been highly novel and entertaining. Life on board the Ghost can be boring and repetitive at times. S3 greatly appreciates the chance to stimulate new protocols and other subroutines in this manner at the very least.”

Ezra snorts at that admission, already more than half asleep. A moment or so later soft music from Chopper’s personal speakers engage. Ten minutes after that Ezra Bridger – be he fourteen years old or eighteen or somewhere in between, is slumped down like a child against the door cushion, snoring softly in the passenger’s seat, a shot glass in his hand, a bottle of brandy resting against on the floor beside his currently unbooted feet.

Chopper considers the younger Jedi for a long moment or two before the astro-mech finally snaps another holoimage and files it away in the folder presently marked ‘ current allies’. Then he shifts over just far enough to also liberate said bottle from its position on the floor, shifting the partially full container amber liquid out of the open air cab and dropping it into the grass below them. The intoxicants have already served enough useful purpose at present, easing the needed extraction of information and temporarily relieving the symptoms of both depression and severe anxiety in the teenager at least in the short term. More to drink from here on out would likely be unwise rather than useful. Better to follow the alcohol up with proper hydration and rest and nutrition for the time being. S6 is likely highly deficient right on beneficial levels of actual sleep.

Besides with the bottle of Brandy now gone, and assuming that S6 does not confess to drinking alcohol outright during the almost inevitable coming confrontation S 1-2 may not realize that S3 has actually allowed S6 to drink before the two of them finally encounter the Ghost Crew again. This is an outcome that would benefit S3 greatly at present given his already untenable position. Hera Syndulla is both loud and exceedingly unpleasant when she is sufficient angry, though usually when the emotion is not aimed at Chopper himself directly, the droid usually finds the outcomes of said temper highly dramatic and amusing.

Kanan Jarrus’s personal reactions as of late, on the distinct other hand, have been under clear patterns of consistent alteration recently, and Chopper is honestly uncertain right now how the Elder Jedi will react to hearing of their current location and circumstances. Human males can be highly unpredictable in the face of perceived threats to their vulnerable offspring, even when said children are also amidst the trials of early adolescence. Which - as far as Chopper can tell after several days of intensive surveillence of the two cranky Jedi - best fits the pattern of their ongoing current interactions. 

The older Jedi has been unusually volatile and emotionally over-reactive as of late, perhaps because, Chopper's beginning to suspect, of the presence of a currently unnoticed training link now present between the two of them. It would certainly explain a great part of S1's off behaviors at the moment. S6 may well claim at this point that all currently bonds - psychic and otherwise - have been cut between himself and S1 in this particular variant of the time stream, but Chopper for hi finds that conclusion increasing more and more erroneous right now, regardless whether or not S6 technically qualifies as past literal or theoretical majority age at the present. 

Chopper looks at the teenager one more time and then returns to watching the horizon while completing the rest of his processing, computing likely various likely scenarios and then following through each of the resulting probability trees. It takes him less than fifteen minutes truthfully to just throw up his hands for a final time and grudging acknowledge the whole exercise is currently beyond the scope of even his own not insignificant capacity. Which is why the astro-mech finally switches back on his communication array and the vehicle's location beacon both, before composing a one-paragraph message back to those waiting aboard The Ghost and hits send, before returning his attention to to the route ahead of them for the time being.

The situation as it exists at present is far too complex for Chopper to analyze further without additional information. Which is why he just sent S1 and S2 two very specific questions about he and Ezra's current status, which he hopes to receive answers to reasonably swiftly...

1) Is allowing Ezra Bridger to enter the Jedi temple on his own at this point in time a reasonably safe course of action for Chopper to take if S6 receives useful instruction while he's inside the structure that could benefit all of them? Or would such an excursion be foolhardy at this juncture because of the teenager’s currently deeply troubled emotional mindset after he'd been recently forced to endure more than a week of emotional baiting from the rest of them? (Chopper doesn't much care for the odds) and more importantly...

2) what exactly are the long-term psychic and psychological effects of someone actively fighting the restoration of a force willed training link for an extended period of time if *both* Master and Padawan are theoretically *alive* even after said bond was initially broken.

Chopper then also cues in their current vehicle's transit and speed information, sits back and waits on the message received receipt.

The answer comes back less than seven standards minutes later. It’s a few simple sentences in basic, and a lot of Ryllian expletive directly underneath that which Chopper is just assuming Hera added on herself by the end.

The first bit is from S1 unsurprisingly:

Chopper – Keep Ezra the SITH HELLS AWAY from that karking temple until I arrive! I have your current coordinates and the Phantom - I am already in route. You can expect to see me some time in the earliest hours of the coming morning.

-KJ

(If he hasn’t already, Chopper, please make Ezra eat dinner and then try and get him to sleep.)

The second is far less genially phrased …

DO NOT THINK FOR EVEN A MOMENT THAT THIS GETS YOU A FREE PASS OUT OF YOUR PART IN ALL OF THIS, CHOPPER! WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT, WE WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE TALKING! WE ALL LOOKED FOR THE BOTH OF YOU IN TOWN FOR MORE THAN THREE HOURS THIS AFTERNOONS AND BY THE LOOK OF IT BEFORE YOU TOOK OFF EZRA TOOK OUT HIS IV PORT WHILE SITTING ON THE FLOOR OF A FILTHY, TRASH STREWN BACK ALLEY! YOU BOTH HAVE AN ASS KICKING COMING WHEN WE GET THERE!

– HS

Chopper lets out a largely satisfied, if someone resigned little beep in reply, glancing over at the sleeping Ezra yet again, watching the teenagers brows knit, and his body shiver slightly in the increasing cold of the deepening evening.

Then he whirs softly, and moves the Holopic which he took earlier from the 'Allies' folder into the one that's marked simply ‘SpecterFamily.’


	10. Leave Taking (updated)

"I am going to kill him. I am going to literally kill him!"

Zeb raises an eyebrow at Sabine, "Is she referring to Chopper or Ezra, do you think, when she says stuff like that at the moment?"

"I'm...actually not sure," The teenage artist softly whispers back.

The Twi’lek pilot scowls fiercely, leaning back against the wall by Kanan’s room’s only entrance. "Right now in regards to that particular duo you guys and what's been happening, I see no reason at all to be particularly discriminating!"

"Hera...." Kanan sighs very deeply, even as he stuffs things in his bag, packing as efficiently and as mindfully as he possibly can. He really needs to stop in Medlab before he goes both for Ezra’s spare clothes and for both of the spare ampules of Amalyn that are still in drawer there at the moment. Because if they're not needed right off the bat after Kanan knows, then there is a good chance that they still probably will be by the end of the weekend.

He also considers coming to Ezra's defense for all of half of a second or so, before shrugging the idea off, in favor of just letting his lover have the chance to vent some of her tension for a little while. They can all stand a little of that opportunity, right now if he'a honest. The past few hours have had more than their fair share of both fear and speculation.

"He outright ditched us, Kanan! And Chopper apparently went along for the ride when even though it was his kriffing turn on watch duty! He deliberately turned off his personal tracker, thereby cutting off all actual means of communication to the rest of us for over five and a hours even knowing as he did so that we'd also be hearing from Zeb and Sabine about the whole floating rocks a all but flaming eyes thing! Chopper didn’t bother to leave us behind a note, Kanan, a 911, a simple assurance that he hadn’t been dumped off by Ezra somewhere along the way during his escape or just switched off for supposed upgrades and maintenance ... He did literally nothing! Kark it's even technically worse than just that, Kanan according to the vids that Sabine managed to hack, Chopper outright *helped* Ezra commit what amounts to Grand Theft Larceny of a cross-continent capable vehicle before the two of them departed! Which means that right now Ezra could theoretically go to any other city on this karking planet with an interstellar transit hub and try to arrange himself passage off-world on another ship!"

Kanan sighs, "I know that Hera. We’re lucky that I was right yet again and that his first instinct after bolting from the Ghost was apparently to run straight toward the Jedi Temple. Apparently, visiting there is top priority in terms of any unfinished business for Ezra at the momement. Also speaking in Chopper’s defense… we were the ones who told him specifically to only follow Ezra, Hera, and otherwise leave dealing with the rest of his increasing craziness to us. Because none of us - though I probably should have - expected Ezra to actually pull this kind of stunt at this juncture, which really was pretty unimaginitive of me."

“Chopper was supposed to respond if anything unusual occurred by letting the rest of us know what was happening as it is happening Kanan, so that we could intercede with Ezra. Not by aiding and abetting Ezra's behavior to the degree that you’re now going to be scrambling in order to even catch up with them before Ezra tries to crack that temple open on his in the morning! Also, while we're on the subject of general uselessness, what the kriffing hell was that second question of Chopper's even supposed to actuallly mean?!”

Kanan shrugs helplessly in reply, "I’m honestly not sure about that one yet, Hera…I’ll think it over on the way out there for awhile and also maybe see if Chopper will answer a couple of additional questions for me. It may turn out to be something incredibly important or it may turn out its a random curiosity that Chopper suddenly decided to fixate on while he and Ezra were driving out there. I really don't care which one it is of those at the moment speaking frankly. And as for Chopper's actions earlier – I'm only trying to remind you, Hera that we don’t know the entirety of the situation concerning what Chopper was actually facing when they disappeared, and how it impacted any of Chopper's ongoing decisions along the way. If Ezra was really acting particularly chaotic or self destructive and Chopper truly believed as a result that he wasn't going to be able to hold him back from taking off long enough for the rest of us to arrive, then I actually don't find it unbelievable at all that he'd make it look like he's suddenly‘flipped sides’ and then invite himself along on Ezra's little joyride just to ascertain Ezra isn't the one who's driving if he's severely emotionally compromised. Not to mention to wait for a chance to help the rest of us track them down later if it became possible, which is exactly what Chopper is doing at the moment."

"But why would Ezra suddenly do all of this at *complete random,* Kanan? We’ve been pushing him for almost a week now, yeah – with almost no effect at all for all that trouble that any of us could see up up until now! I mean when we both saw him last night he was stewing, yes, but definitely not acting impulsive or anything else but highly antisocial truthfully. He certainly didn’t act like he was actively heading for a meltdown, just digging himself in even further for one kriff of a long haul! Which was why we ultimately agreed to visit Vizago’s camp first thing after breakfast in order to try and get the names and contact info for some of the local gang leaders here in the capital so that you could shake them down for information on Ezra’s former master and then try to use said information in order to pry Ezra out of the corner that he’s currently wedging himself all but bodily into!"

Kanan just shrugs his shoulders a little, "Ezra seemed quiet last night yes, Hera but something obviously changed slowly overnight or maybe over the past couple of days that neither of us managed to actually registered consciously. Looking back at things no that's probably because Ezra has been so consistently withdrawn and I’ve been giving him lots of time to fester in his juices over the past few days for lack of any better ideas. It was my kark up, Hera and I'm sorry. I’ve been the one on point with the kid ever since all of this first started and I really should have known that I needed to stick closer to the ship no matter what Ezra did or didn't appear to be doing. The truth of the matter is I was getting impatient too, so I was trying to prematurely catalyze some kind of change but all that we really did when we both left The Ghost this morning is provide Ezra exactly the opening that he was apparently looking for to react to the change already occuring! I underestimated how frustrating waiting him out was going to turn out to be.”

"Who the kriff among us didn’t, Kanan?" Sabine asks him then with a roll heavenward of her own eyes. "I mean the only time that Ezra’s willingly talked to any of us recently is during shared mealtimes or occasionally when we're playing sabaac in the evenings. Otherwise, he’s become monosyllabic essentially. He's repeatedly turned down your offers to train chat or meditate, Zeb and I's offers to spar - kriff even when we've made it clear when we offer that he's the one who’d’ve gotten to do the shooting! I have met deaf-blind mutes who are more interested in regular interaction than Ezra is right now. I mean sure he went down to the electronics Market with Hera when she asked him to the other day Kanan – and then he spoke a total of maybe three sentences to her over the course of more than five karking hours! He did the same thing to me as well, while we're on the subject, on that day that he was doing switch repair work in the cargo area and I spent some time in there as well adding on one of my murals with Hera's permission. I swear to kriff it’s been like living with a karking boulder for the most part Kanan. I never thought when this all started that'd I'd get here quite this fast but the truth of the matter is that I actually meant it earlier this morning when I told Ezra that I’ve started to actively miss his sarcasm if this is the only alternative for the moment. I mean yes, Ezra's utterly unfailing polite whenever he’s around the four of us right now Kanan, but his eyes are also literally dead when he's looking at you and his smile is so clearly just pasted on that it’s actually creepy. He's absolutely miserable right now, Kanan, and none of us are really that much better off when we have to be around him!”

Zeb snorts, "Yeah well the fact that you’re actually worried about him and not just pissed at his guise may've been a little lost to the Kit earlier, Sabine in the wake of that particular delivery. You were kind of overdoing things with all the passive aggressive banthakriff"

The Mandalorian just shrugs her shoulders, "I was only doing exactly what I have been for litera; days now,Zeb...matching Ezra sarcasm for sarcasm even if his eyes are the only things still occasionally flinging back the sheer depth of his current saltiness. The agreement was that we’d all just hold the center, wasn't it? That we'd all try and act like little or nothing had changed in the wake of his speech to us up in his tower while at the same time Kanan simultaneously focused on trying to get the kid to actually acknowledge some of his own repressed anger. Given how deeply said anger's been buried up until now, how was I to know that he could literally go from zero to a thousand on the pissyiness radar that quickly!"

Zeb practically barks out a laugh in reply to that comment, though it’s admittedly also tinged with a fair amount of frustration as well. "Sabine think for a moment about how exactly the four of us first met Ezra! It the kit has ever been anything at in his life then it's quick, at anything he chooses to be."

"I'd have gone with reckless, personally myself." Kanan mutters back, softly under his own breath, “Not to even mention seriously, seriously slippery. Which is why I should have know better than to just up and leave.” After all Kanan knows, the kid is still definitely a street rat - probably just as much as he is still a Jedi at this stage in his life, and the sudden breakaway was a critical skill for any creature of the street who didn’t want to get captured or even worse yet, cornered and eaten.

"None of this conversation is making Ezra any less permanently grounded when we find him." Hera growls, "I swear to kark, Kanan I am literally going to put a boot in his ass when we finally track them down again. The two of us mad a good faith deal the other day and he just broke it without even blinking. Which pisses me off just about as much as it also surprised me."

"Not technically yet, he hasn’t, Hera" Kanan mutters under his breath. “Your original bargain terms were too unspecific for Ezra to have to do so more deliberately at the moment.”

"...Excuse me what?!" Hera gapes at him dumbly.

Kanan looks over at her and he shrugs his shoulders. "He's met all the terms of your deal as it was laid out so far, Hera, at least in terms of him doing all the work that you've assigned him and avoiding spending too much time in the city. Even if yes he's visiting his tower right now pretty much any time he's not actively working, sleeping or taking his prescribed medications. Force Hera right now the closest that Ezra's cometo violating your specific stipulations will be if he doesn't show up to take his next dose of Amalyn in another seven hours. And even that's a grey area technically. Because yes, Hera, Ezra was supposed to be careful about keeping the port clean until he finished up tittering down, but when that process was actually completed was an issue between him and I. And Hera? I deliberately never made the end date fully explicit because I wanted it open-ended. Which means he could remove consent for the process whenever he felt he no longer needed it basically."

Hera rises up from her half slouch and stares at him, irate. "He STOLE A KRIFFING GOVERNMENT TRANSPORT, KANAN! Not to even mention bought himself another bottle of booze in the Market by the sounds of things ass! I mean that vendor was clearly shocked when he actually found that cash tucked into the place where he found it when we asked if his stand had been pickpocketed this afternoon. How is this in any way okay with you right now? Why are you not furious with him, frankly?

"Because it's a waste of energy for me to be so right now, Hera, okay?! Look...you are not actually his mother, okay, an he doesn't acknowledge me as his master yet - at least, not consciously. Right now Ezra still clearly sees himself as having almost complete autonomy over the choices that he makes outside of the bargains he's knelt on and the strictures he's agreed to so far concerning ‘Hera’s Rules on Hera’s Ship.’ You bargained the kid a ride off the planet the other day in exchange for his labor, for Ezra not sleeping in the Tower until and for him agreeing to not pick-pocket until we all leave the planet and he's honored that agreement pretty much to the letter just like he agreed to, but the rest of what Ezra does when not on the Ghost or he's ‘off duty’ from his ‘work hours’ is still sort of a grey area from his own perspective, because your deal didn't include you being granted complete authority over everything he does at this point until we all leave the kriffing planet.”

Hera gapes at him yet again, her hands on her hips. "Are you kriffing out of your mind right now, Kanan? Will you stop karking defending him! Ezra is clearly not an adult who's meant to be left to his own devices! He's an adolescent Jim Moriarty in progress who's clearly headed straight for the edge of a cliff! Or he will be soon , if something isn’t done about all these chances that he's taking right now - especially in front of Imperial Security! This isn't just reckless, it's blatantly self destructive to his safety at the moment."

Kanan sighs again, "I already know that Hera. And I’m going out there to deal with the situation right now as I just told you! But that doesn’t change the fact that at the moment Ezra technically hasn’t break any 'rules', at least by the letter of the two of you's current bargain. Which means that we don't have the moral high ground from Ezra's perspective right now because we still haven't proved any more deserving of it then him yet. Look, yell at me more over the comm's about all of this if you really want to, but in the mean time I've got to get going. Chopper can only delay their arrival by slowing their driving by so much at the moment."

Hera sighs in reponse to him pointing that out, but then she also nods, silently following him down the hallways and into medlab before speaking up one more time. "Kanan, why are we all not just going out there to get him in the Ghost instead?"

"Other than because you mentioned earlier to today that you have a meet about a possible job at Jho’s later this evening?" Kanan shrugs a little, "Because I'm also getting sick and tired of all of this banthakriff, Hera, to speak very frankly. Clearly its now past time for me to actually do something about it a whole lot more aggressive than I've tried thus far, and frankly stated neither of us need an audience when I do that. I mean Force Hera, Ezra’s just jumped straight from 'repressed as kark but basically still politely surly' to ' a clear and present danger to himself’ in a little bit under eight hours, Hera. He's just literally crashed through his personal bottom floor into an apparent sub-basement. That kind of stuff doesn’t just happen typically in my own experience either. There has to have been some some kind of catalyst for all of this. This whole mess could very well be the very first sign of the emotional break for which we've been actively waiting.“

Kanan seals up his bag, and then heads down the hall toward the Phantom's inner docking port at a fast clip, “I mean seriously - think about it for a moment, Hera. Ezra's always had a code he follows, even if he's the one who both created and self enforced it all these years, but right now he's apparently so stressed out or angry that he's aggressively abandoned even that? That kind of a new tier of behavior on his part means new rules from me, Hera. It has to. The two of us are about to have a serious ‘discussion’, whether he wants to have one or not at this point. And quite bluntly speaking, it's probably better for me to minimize the audience if Ezra ends up forcing me to literally whup his ass in the process. “

"So then you think that the two of you are gonna actually end up seriously tangling then?" Zeb raises a eloquent eyebrow at that admission, though the Lasat doesn’t sound particularly surprised, even as anti physical conflict as Ezra has thus far been. Then again Kanan also knows, Garazeb Orrelios is a physicalist himself – a being who carries most of his emotions in the curve of his body without making any real attempt to either hide or control them. He, probably more than anyone else -with his ability to read body language and probably smell Ezra's sheer scope of repressed emotions - probably did see this particular eventuality on-coming.

“Considering how you and Sabine described his involuntary reaction earlier coupled with this little stunt that's going right now, Zeb? I'm about eighty-five to ninety percent certain that that is exactly where we're heading at the moment. I don't think things is going to resolve with simple talking at this point, ans it's probably going to involve a kriff of the lot more then me just goading Ezra into taking a swing at me or something. When I do catch up to him the two of us are likely going to end up in an actual fight, and once Ezra truly takes the gloves off things are going to have the potential to get really, really messy because just because he rarely show them doesn't mean he doesn't have a serious set of teeth. I mean really, if Ezra's deliberately torn out his own IV port at this point, if he's actually making his own run on the temple all alone right now, even though he knows that it severely limits any chance that hes got to sucessfully get in on his own. If hes just literally abandoned everything but what he had on his person when he took off.. Well then that's a pretty clear indication that Ezra's just reacting right now, not reasoning. He's like a Sith bedamned toddler at the moment who's running straight out into oncoming traffic he's so caught up in his own emotional turmoil, and that means that it's way past time that I grab him by the belt and yank him physically back.”

Because honestly, Kanan has never felt quite this way in the entirety of his life. He has never before been so completely aware of yet completely unattached to the whirlwind of his own frenetic emotions. Oh yes, Kanan knows right now on some level that he’s pissed off and frantic and nearly as terrified as Hera is right now, but that’s all subsumed for the time being under what Kanan can only think of as a needed focus on 'the necessary instead. The mindset is a little bit like the prebattle one that he’d witnessed in Depa Billaba and the Clones in his younger days with the GAR. Who’d have ever thought he acknowledges, more then a little bit wryly that he’d ever seriously be comparing pre-warfare preparation to adolescent parenting tactics. 

Still, as Kanan enters the Phantom from the inner lock and drops his bag at his feet before sliding into the shuttle's pilot chair, he can also sense all three of the other Specters lingering behind him even as he starts up the preflight checklist, not sure how to say goodbye, or even really wanting to do so at the moment. Having Ezra and Chopper both off of the ship this long has made all of them twitchy the older Jedi knows, and now Kanan’s heading out and into the unknown as well. Albeit he thinks, more then a little bit grimly, because he fully intends to return in very, very short order with both Chopper and a new,*permanent* member for their crazy little family.

Because after all, Kanan knows, there is a time for the slow subtle long game, and then there is now - when he clearly has to start marking some very explicit boundaries with Ezra, whether the kid actually fights them or not. Before the teenager either gets seriously hurt as a result of his ongoing panic or Kanan finally loses his karking mind before that actually happens.

“Look, I’ll see you all soon, guys. And I’ll keep in touch, don't worry. Just…try and think positive thoughts for the next few days okay? We can all use the good energy. This isn't going to be a problem in the long run, I promise.”

Zeb and Sabine nod in response that, turning and leaving the Phantom reluctantly. Hera meanwhile lingers behind just a little bit longer, her hands digging uneasily into the cushioning on the back of Kanan's seat.

“Hey... Everything going to work out fine, Hera. I swear to you - I've got this.” Kanan says the words very, very softly, comforting her as best as he can manage even as he reaches back to gently squeeze one of her still gloved hands. “This may not have been quite how we first pictured all of this actually unfolding, but if Ezra has finally hit his limit break - and it's pretty clear that he had then that's actually a good thing. At least in the meantime Chopper has been there with him the whole way- making a private confrontation easier to arrange between the two of us and also hopefully minimizing the collateral damage.”

“I know, Love. I really do, I just…” The Twi'lek pilot shakes her head a little, rubs at the back of her neck for a long seconds, and sighs - cleared deeply frustrated. “I’m just really tired at the moment, that’s all. This…all of this has just been so karking exhausting, and for Ezra it's got to be ten or twenty times worse since he's been running on empty by the sounds of it since long before we even met him. Too much more of this and he's going to break something irrepairable or something."

Her hands tighten down on the seat back again, and her voice harden a little bit, "Which is why…look, Kanan kick his ass if that's what it's actually going to take. Cut this off at the pass and bring him karking home again - we'll deal with any fall out that we have to afterward no matter how long it takes. And...and don;t feel guilty about it either, if he forces you into playing serious hardball, all right? Abuse is...it's not the same thing at all as discipline is. Ezra will ironically end up feeling safer in the long run with explicit boundaries and people who'll actively enforce them. He may shut us out for awhile at first in a worst case scenario but he will appreciate the change over the long term. I know you're worried about a war of wills...but that's still less risky then the alternative at the moment.”

“As I just said it's not going to be a problem anymore, Hera.” Kanan reminds her again, “We’re actually on the same page in terms of the best way to handle things right now, because my own breakpoint in terms of dealing with Ezra up until now has always been based on whether or he'd started endangering himself deliberately. That was always my line in the sand in terms of whether to handle things via conflict or diplomacy. Look, like I just told the others I’ll try and check back in just as soon as I possibly can but in the meantime, I don’t want you to get to worried if you don’t end up hearing from either of us for at least a couple of days all right, Hera? Because time inside of Temple structures can sometimes pass differently than it does elsewhere in the world and even if it doesn't well then we're both still probably going to be pretty exhausted by the time that things have actually been resolved. We'll likely end up exiting the temple and crashing out immediately afterwards to sleep.”

Hera nods, bending down to kiss him softly once on the lips. “Take care of yourself, love, and for that matter take care of Ezra, too.”

“Will do.” Kanan watches her back out the entryway to the Phantom, shutting it with a soft thump behind her, and then two minutes later he’s plugging in a map of the continent, the transponder data from Ezra and Chopper’s stolen transport and the Jedi Temple's saved currently saved coordinates, doing a little calculation even as he does so trying to figure out how hard it'll be to actually catch up to them.

And yeah, that’s fine. Given Chopper's last set of actual locational coordinates, Kanan should very easily be able to overfly the droid and his charge and get to the Temple first at this point. Which means that he can simply land a little distance away from the larger structure and just be lying in wait when Ezra finally arrives, able to show himself at the time most beneficial to his own choosing. The kid had said more than one occasion that the area around the temple structure is basically nothing but miles and miles of uninterrupted grassland with the occasional scatterings of rock formations along the way, and that should easily provide exactly the kind of environment that Kanan's seeking for their coming confrontation - with what Ezra wants behind Kanan and no better place to run instead. If Kanan positions himself just right then there will literally be nowhere for Ezra to go once he and Chopper arrive but either straight back the speeder or forward toward the temple proper – which Ezra will only be able to get access to by literally going straight through Kanan in the process. If the the teenager really wants into The Temple that desperately at this point then that's fine…they can always try and access the structure a couple days early. The Amalyn's already probably done about as much at this point as Kanan suspects that it will until he actually deals with some of his other present issues, and Kanan is, as they say, adaptable in most situations. 

Indeed, Kanan's only real rule at this point on that subject is that Ezra is only getting passed him in order to try and get another lightsaber crystal once the two of them have also resolved things officially concerning Ezra's future plans as well as the situation between the two of them.

And in regards to that? Well, as Kanan had already admitted to Hera earlier, clashing with Ezra can actually be kind fun for Kanan sometimes – or at the very least mentally and intellectually stimulating. Just so long as he doesn’t lose grip of his own emotions in one of their arguments and give in to the temptation to be baited off of the actual topic. Now, in a much much higher stakes round of the exact same sort of mental and physical sparring match Kanan is going to have to try and accomplish the exact same kind of overall objective, and keep his own mental footing while simultaneously kicking the kid's brutually right out from under him. He needs to knock the kid right on his ass: emotionally for certain, psychologically if that’s what it takes to cause the needed break and physically if that's ultimately the only way to actually get the job done, and he needs to do so as quickly and efficiently as he possibly can. Whether it's verbally or physically or both, Kanan knows at this point that he and Ezra are almost certainly going to end up in full-scale fight upon their eventual reunion, and yes, while Kanan outweighs the kid significantly by a significant margin and out heights him by what feels like miles, that doesn’t mean Kanan can expect that said fight is going to go at all easily. Force, Kanan would be so lucky as for that to happen at this point. 

Because after all, no matter what else can be said about the fourteen years old’s life experiences up until now, Ezra Bridger has had at least four years worth of what Kanan has to assume os intensive force instruction. And this kid learns terrifyingly fast judging by his command of his thus reveal force talents. Which means that when \- not if - things take a turn for the physical that Kanan has to expect the situation to get brutal and dangerous extremely quickly. He needs to prepare for a fight with a hurricane, if not a fight to the death.

Because after all, Ezra Bridger hasn't been actively advertising his strengths up until now, has he? Kark if anythingall all he's been doing just the opposite. He’s been downplaying his gifts – probably from the very first moment that he set a semi observant pair of eyes on Kanan. The older Jedi’s known that much for awhile now, and he's wondered on more then one occasion about the reason for the kid's ongoing hesitance - why he's so determined to reveal his true capabilities in certain things. Is the habit on the fourteen year old's part just about him holding some of his resources in deliberate reserve? A life-long habit of hiding in plain sight which Ezra had picked up from his years living in the shadows on the streets? Or was it something even more basic and fundamental then that?

Could all of Ezra reluctance to admit what he's capable of be the instinctively learned hesitance of a teenage boy when it came to deliberately outshining his own master on any kind of regular basis if doing so before had gotten him in trouble or caused his master to further limit their contact whenever it happened?

Because yes, Kanan figures that a true narcissist, if that is in fact was what Ezra's master had actually been, would absolutely have responded badly in just that kind of situation. While Kanan, on the other hand, is far less concerned with what’s available in Ezra’s tool chest skillwise at the moment than he is with what the the fourteen year old is willing to actually do with it outside of basic self defense. Ezra is generally gentle most of the time after all as far as Kanan has observed so far– well with everything except his words, anyway. Kark the kid harefused outright to spar with Kanan no matter what he offered him in return over the past couple of days – though Kanan can also sense that Ezra viscerally wants to take him up on the offer just as a way to work off some tension. There had been a very distinct fondness in Ezra's voice when he'd first referenced his lightsaber that Kanan had tried his darndest capitalize on multiple occasions now, but the kid stubbornly enough had stuck to his guns and stuck to himself even for daily meditation, which Kanan knows the kid has been finding all but impossible to manage. 

Which brings Kanan right back around to wondering exactly how things had actually worked during the first four years of his training? How had Ezra and his Master ever handled – kark had the two of them ever even *had* any kind of direct power conflicts, or had Ezra never even dared to challenge the older man's authority directly for fear of simply losing him? What had been the older Jedi's Master's approach to things like basic instruction and day to day practice? Had Ezra's old Master ever struck the kid if Ezra displeased him? (The teenager's very guarded to all touch, Kanan notes a little grimly) or had the other Jedi Knight just stuck with more psychological forms of manipulation and used things like intimidation, isolation or worse yet rare moments of genuine affirmation and actual kriffing provision in order to maintain his ongoing influence over Ezra instead? Who exactly had instilled Ezra's stalwart (up until now at least) faithfulness to true oathing and fair deal making in him? Had it actually been his master's ongoing influence or had Ezra picked up his present moral code from someone else entirely - like say his parents before they were taken perhaps? How much had the Bridger's bartered with their kid as a parenting technique when he was only six or seven?

And while Kanan's thinking about that particular subject .... had Ezra’s most recent break from his own honor code been a permanent change of behavior in the younger Jedi that Kanan is now going to have to be on guard against on an ongoing basis, or was this whole current mess just essentially a one-time act of load breaking after one too many inches of pushing? Kanan knows that the kid is currently headed out to the temple right now, from what Chopper's revealed thus far, but what had prompted that decision on his part and what were his plans after he finished up at the structure? Is Ezra actively making other plans after this to flee Capital city and buy himself himself permanently off of Lothol like he'd initially said?

Kanan has no idea. Though Chopper might have some of that information available at the moment.

‘And speaking of Chopper, while I'm focused on that topic…’ Kanan grimly opens up the Phantom's mainscreen messaging function. Because after all, Kanan’s got also some serious questions right now all his own concerning Chopper’s ‘hypothetical’ inquiry regarding whether or not Ezra's former master is actually is dead. 

Because seriously, what the karking hell?! The other Jedi and Ezra's former training bond had to have literally shattered into thousands of tiny splinters, given how much damage it had caused to Ezra psychically when the other Jedi had died, to say nothing at all of how long and how\ deeply Ezra is still struggling to come to grips with the resultant psychic injuries at the moment. There is no way in kriff Kanan thinks to himself a little grimly, that such a bond could have broken any other way but through sudden and probably extremely violent death. Force Jedi don’t even retain the cultural knowledge of how to cut forced willed bonds more deliberately, because they’re too damn rare and to damn sacred. Not to mention how things tend to get unspeakably messy for all involved when those who share them try and actively fight them. For that matter, just about the only Kanan he can presently think of who wouldn't have considered it outright blasphemy to know how to cut a force willed bond were probably…

The words cut off literally mid-thought, simultaneously robbing Kanan of all of his breath.

Because truthfully, there are really only two groups of people that he is presently aware of who might have had possession of the specific kind of knowledge that would have been necessary for them to deliberately cut a Force Willed training link via any means but death. Two groups on the absolute opposite sides of the spectrum. The first were the eldest and the most skilled of the former Jedi mind healers, and the second were former Knights of the order who had fallen from light light side and learned the skill from one of the Sith. Which really Kanan can't help but think? Makes a horrifyingly perfect kind of kriffing sense.


	11. Shall set you free (Updated and expanded 2nd half)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You shall know the truth and the truth ....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo....this is actually one of the first parts I ever wrote for this story. Thanks to DarthBreezy (Feel Stronger Every Day Dear One!) and OpalSong both for a ton of hand-holding and encouragement. We are now approximately 1/3 of the way through the greater arc of the story.
> 
> TW: please be aware this scene contains one all-out brawl between Kanan and Ezra that devolves at one point into Ezra getting a short but quite literal ass-whupping from the older Jedi as a way to bring said brawl to an end. (Kanan would claim he did so largely in self defense.) Such will not be a regular occurrence in this series, just a right feeling one-time decision on Kanan's part at the time which best fit the needs and tone of the particular situation. Nonetheless lease be aware if spanking is an issue for you that this specific section many be potentially triggering. 
> 
> ***Note: the author is a parent of two children herself and very much does not condone spanking as a particularly healthy or effective means of discipline in most cases. That acknowledged, please be aware that subject of what happened and its impact (no pun intended) will be discussed quite frankly in the aftermath by those involved, and in the next section in specific Kanan will actually offer Ezra an apology for what occurred. Both characters are under extreme emotional stress in this particular segment, and stress, due to to its very nature, does not always promote wise decision making, but Kanan in particular will take a mindful approach in dealing with the aftermath as best as he can, within of course, the context of his own cultural history on the subject of discipline.)

The problem with impulsive, emotionally driven plans like this trip out to The Temple is that nine times of ten they are initially driven by sheer adrenaline. Adrenaline which inevitably crashes like a kriffing speeder wreck once the initial high wears of. Ezra Bridger is sadly more than a little aware of this fact at present.

Case in point: the way that hours into their trip, and even after nearly six hours of sleep, he’s still physically fighting to keep his hand from shaking and his knees from knocking even as he shoulders on his backpack, climbs out of the transport and stands there strangely breathless and panicked, gazing up at the heavily shadowed temple which is mostly obscured -despite the two waning moons - by still the surrounding darkness.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it, Chopper?” He murmurs, his voice hushed even as he turns his head to look over his shoulder at the astro-mech. “The truth is that I’ve only ever been out here during the daylight hours until now. We never had the time for an overnight stay. As serene as it is right now though, Force I wish that we had *made* the time to camp out just once. Kan…my master, he would have loved this view of the sky-scape. I remember that he could talk for literal hours about the stories linked to various star systems’ constellations if you got him going on clear nights like this one.”

“Affirmative. S1 would no doubt enjoy that activity as well. Astronomy is a long time personal hobby of S1 from S3’s own previous past experience, and so long as there are minimal bugs to contend with, Kanan Jarrus has also found sleeping out overnight to be occasionally cathartic.”

Ezra quirks his lips up a little at that reply, turning his head back toward The Temple again, “Well then whenever he gets out here on his own, Chopper you ought to suggest the possibility to him. He never takes as much downtime as he probably should – there’s just too much of the hardwired workaholic in both Hera and him for it. He could really afford, though, given what’s coming up in the years still ahead, to work on building up a peace account instead of just a massive sleep deficit.”

“S3 will tell him you said so. Or better yet, S6 can tell Kanan Jarrus that himself, if S6 returns to the Ghost after we are finished with this portion of journey. Or if S6 still insists on finding different passage off of Lothol instead, then S3 will happily record a goodbye for the rest of the crew before S6 leaves the planent and seeks out his Master’s old Clone Trooper ally. What did S6 say was Captain Rex’s specific designator, again?”

“I never mentioned it actually, Chopper – because some of the Vod can be a little picky about sharing that kind of information. Many dislike talking about where they came from because of all the panful memorues, not to mention many of the stigmas attached to, the later which is especially stupid considering that none of the Vod ever got to actually pick their beginnings. If you’re looking at adding the batch number to your little ‘eyes only spy file’ though, than it’s CT-75-67. Just for Force’s sake *never* call him that to his face, okay? Use his chosen name unless he specifically requests it. His designator may be what they tried to make of Rex yeah when they tubed him, but Rex is who he made of himself in the end.”

The droid gives a satisfied little beeping sound at that addition, his viewing cam shifting over toward the rising arc of the massive temple - most of which is still draped in shadow - for the moment. Then his gaze shifts back toward Ezra once more. “Understood. Call former clone troopers by their chosen call signs and not by their assigned designators. S3 concurs. So what is next on our itinerary at present?”

“Prep work, Chopper. Plus a couple more hours of meditation and or sleep if I can manage to get it. The trip out here took several hours longer than I thought it would initially, and it’s going to start turning pretty cold soon. Which means that we need to make a fire for the night and I need to try and eat something more than just meal bar like earlier if I don’t want to end up spending the entire night shivering. Not to mention that we need to get this transport parked undercover, preferably somewhere out of sight from above, just in case Kanan and Hera come out this way looking for me based on my earlier site descriptions. Assuming that they don’t arrive in the hours before dawn, I want to go ahead and try and access the structure pretty much at first light, since there's no point in dragging out the question of whether or not I'm actually going to be able to get in.”

Because yes, Ezra’s well aware that there’s a high probability that before tomorrow noontime has past, he and Chopper both will have the Ghost and her Crew on their tails. That outcome is just expected at present. Hera may have softened up her stance on the issue of Ezra remaining on as crew thanks to the little ethical wallop that Ezra’d given them the other day up in his tower. (Which the twi'lek pilot still hasn’t attempted to rebut, Ezra notes, which means that he'd been right in at least some of his accusative assumptions.) That’s still a far, far cry from Hera overlooking Ezra's deliberate abandonment however. If nothing else The Ghost's Captain is going to try to hunt Ezra down at this point just so she can yell at the younger Jedi for being ‘fourteen and stupid and unforgivably reckless.’

To say nothing at all about the almost inevitable showdown that Ezra knows he's got coming right now with Kanan. Because his old master, no matter how much Ezra wishes it were otherwise– just refuses to detach and let things go in the way that Ezra hoped he might eventually, with a little reassurance. Instead, Ezra staying on ship for as long as he had hasn't made Kanan's protective instincts calmer, kark if anything it's made things progressively worse and worse and worse.

Which truthfully, is terribly confusing to Ezra most of the time. Nothing about this version of his Master makes any sort of sense to him anymore. Not like it really ever has. Force, some days it's as if he's dealing with a literal pod person.

After all, what else has Ezra had during the past couple of weeks but endless time to look back and reflect, about where he is verses where he'd one been. And every time that Ezra stops and considers everything that’s happened since he first met the Ghost crew for a second ‘first time around’ Ezra can’t help but notice how every single one of them has changed.

Zeb is far calmer in this time stream – still wounded, yes, and terribly guilty about what had happened when his world fell and his people had died, but at the same time the Lasat guardsman is also far less raw and vicious in his grief then Ezra remembers him being the first time around. Zeb's much wryer in his humor now, less easy to irritate in small or petty ways and he is also far, far more observant of the details of the world around him then Ezra is even remotely comfortable. Ezra has learned the hard way not to take anything for granted in terms of maintaining secrecy when around him. Sabine in perfect contrast actually seems younger, and fierier – far more vicious in when and how she displays the heat of her temper. She’s nowhere near as cool or as unreachable as Ezra remembers her being the first time around. Probably, he admits because now he simply reads her better. 

Hera is...well still Hera, for the most part at least. She’s honestly changed the least of the rest of them, as far as Ezra can tell anyway. Though she’s definitely got a problem some days with a certain level of tunnel vision sometimes that Ezra had never really noticed about the Twi'lek before.

And as for Kanan …?

Ezra sighs very, very deeply, because he has no clue at all how to explain what has apparently happened to Kanan. He has no idea at all how to make sense of the older Jedi and his actions.

Because Karabast and Sith Spit, but Ezra's been left wondering for literal weeks now about the changes in the man that Ezra's been forced to interact on a semi regular basis ever since first waking up here in this time stream. A man who’s honestly a kark of a lot more like Kanan became in the years after he was eventually blinded than he is like Ezra remembers him being during their first year or so together on The Ghost

His own younger Kanan Jarrus– reticient, reluctant and almost constantly uncertain about how to go about almost everything, had been the one that Ezra had expected to come face to face with when he'd first re-boarded the Ghost three weeks ago. This Kanan though is almost nothing like him. 

His old master had always been good man certainty - fiercely dedicated to his causes and the protection of his self assembled little family, but he'd also been a man who wasn't looking for greater responsibility when and Ezra had first met, or for further members to add on to the already existent Specter crew. He had had no interest in the possible danger that such an increase in number might portend. 

When he'd first re-encountered the other Jedi in this time stream, Ezra had been expecting to cross paths with a man who, for lack of a more delicate way of putting it, should have been more than happy under the circumstance to just be rid of him. He certainly shouldn't have reacted in the way he had to the teenager's earnest desire to walk a different path at that point then the rest of them.

How had Ezra put it the first time around, after all, just after their first face to face encounter with the Grand Inquisitor? Ah yes. It had been something to the effect of, “Don’t worry about it, I’m letting you off the hook, all right? Luminara or no Luminara." Because after all, Ezra had never been stupid, and he'd known by that point how to recognize the ways that other people looked and reacted to him when enduring his presence finally became too much of an ongoing burden.

And true, it had hurt like the burning sith hells to say it that first time around - to recognize his presence had become not a help but a hindrance to the older Jedi at that stage in their lives, but that didn't mean that Ezra hadn't meant every word he said, or that he wouldn't have left willingly if that had ended up being what Kanan had actually needed or wanted from him at the time. 

Instead though, whether for better or for worse, something about their first encounter with the Grand Inquisitor had flipped some kind of invisible switch inside his previous Master’s head, bringing about a permanent shift in their personal dynamic.

Ezra had always thought, at least with the benefit of some hindsight that that had been because of the immediacy and realness of the sudden threat. The knowledge that each of them had acquired on that day about how much danger they were all going to be in if they didn't stop sweating the petty details instead of getting straight down to business.

That had been the point at which the older Jedi’s previous methodology had abruptly shifted from something unstructured and largely nebulous to something much more focused and fundamental and even just a little bit vicious. 

It still hadn’t been an easy transition of course. Kriff the first three months or so after their initial encounter with the Grand Inquisitor, Kanan had literally driven them both nearly to the point of exhaustion teaching Ezra every childhood meditation and kata that he could possibly think of between various holocron based lectures, while also pushing himself as well with the help of the Holocron's vid saber training library in order to increase his own skills, and they'd both experimented with how to increase their personal shielding by using each other as essential guinea pigs.

It had been a mad sort of dash toward survival, basically - reckless, rapid and completely unabated, and it hadn’t truly ended until after the mess off Ezra’s fifteen birthday, when Kanan had abruptly backed off, presumably as reward for what Ezra had finally revealed the truth about he'd lost his parents. Though of course Ezra's first brush with the dark side while fighting off the fyrnocks had unsurprisingly required a bit of tactic reanalysis and brooding from both of them. Thankfully, their subsequent trip out to the temple not long after that had happened, as well as Ezra’s finally earning his own lightsaber crystal had seemed to smooth out most of the rough edges of doubt that had still lain between them as the two of them finally learned to function as a real combat team against the enemies who'd spent the next several years hunting them.

And the Kanan of this time? Has essentially morphed into *that* Kanan already - at least in terms of his general perceptiveness and ongoing tactics in dealing with Ezra now. He had much of older Kanan's general steadiness.

Because for some reason, the focus and the self confidence that Kanan had struggled to grow into as a master the last time around had simply come to him almost effortlessly in this particular time stream. Not because of the sudden terrifying reality of being confronted by the Grand Inquisitor this time around, but simply because Ezra had opted to drop into the Specter Crew's lives for a very, very short time before walking deliberately back *out* again. Ezra had even gone so far as to attempt- completely unsuccessfully - to limit their actual interactions to one successful, if admittedly dangerous mission, and then after that he'd done the very best he knew how to ditch them.

And somehow that one choice on Ezra's own part; like some kind poorly balanced domino in a multilevel cascade, had inexplicably changed everything else that had concurrently happened. His decision to leave The Ghost had scattered a future which he had just assumed would roll out like a gently kicked carpet in front of them into a bizarre mix of both chaos and commonality instead. 

The younger Jedi had been forced to watch absolutely bewildered, as the same group of people whom he’d spent the better part of his first year convinced were going to dump him at their very first even vaguely convenient opportunity morph from that into a bunch of seeming lunatics instead. A group of five frustratingly stubborn near-stalkers who’d literally trailed Ezra around Capital City as if he were some kind of naughty lost puppy they'd decided that they wanted to adopt. All while bandying about endless jokes about the merits of kidnapping and press ganging. 

Despite Ezra's best efforts and his use of multiple distancing strategies, the rest of Specter Crew has flat out refused to actually disengage and just go about getting on with their own lives. And frankly? At this point the whole experience has been just short of outright infuriating. Because now it’s like Ezra doesn’t even know the rest of them anymore– has possibly never really known them - even though he'd known them for four kriffing years in his original timeline, he utterly fails at predicting them. He's gone from having to abandon a close knit family he'd adored enough that he'd been willing to give them up in order to save them to utterly failing to ditch a group of near total strangers instead.

And the only clue that he has concerning the source of all that change all roots straight right back to the current changes in this time stream's own Kanan. To the older Jedi who quite perversely seems to care more, engage more, fight more in the face of Ezra’s continued, insistent refusal of his assistance than Kanan’d ever done so in response to the younger, more vulnerable Ezra who’d initially both desperately needed and wanted him.

‘Everybody always wants what they can’t have, as my Dad used to tell me.‘ That old adage proves true yet again, rather painfully this time around. And now the sheer absurdity of his life in this timeline makes Ezra want to literally weep in ironic frustration. 

After all, what is it that Ezra’s doing right now but deliberately walking away from a group of people who've made it abundantly clear that they do want him in their lives? Everything he'd most wanted at fourteen, Ezra’s now got in spades... 

Not that it really makes a single bit of difference anymore in this particular situation.

Because after all, he can’t keep it now can he? Not in any kind of good conscience. Ezra'a abandonment of the others in this case *is* his proof of his love for them. It’s also just the kind of personal sacrifice that none of them are currently capable of truly understanding. Because after all, they’d have to know the truth about his time traveling to truly understand what he is trying to.do And once they did really grasp the reality they'd only fight him tooth and nail in terms of letting him go through with it. Kanan in particular, Ezra is more than aware, would likely to go completely nuclear if the younger Jedi tried to takeoff once the older Jedi actually understood what's been happening. The older Jedi'd go to war over the issue - gloves off, no holds barred, combat to the metaphorical death.

And Ezra honestly can't imagine how he'd ever survive that kind of prolonged battle of wills with him, not when the current lesser one has left him so fundamentally exhausted. Better to keep Kanan in the dark as much as possible instead.

Which is why he’d essentially begged Chopper for his patience earlier today. At least until Ezra has finally gotten out to the temple and received a little personal confirmation one way or another as to what this path he's taking will end up costing him specifically in the end. Who and what is he anymore under the current circumstances? What’s the final price of this deal that he's making with the Universe at the moment? 

Ezra knows that he has to find out one way or another - before he goes mad with the wondering, and if the very worst happens and the temple flat out refuses to acknowledge him at all when he reaches it because of what he's become, well then Ezra figures that he at least deserves a little space to privately grieve over the life he's willingly abandoning.

“S6 is bleeding. Is S6 aware of this fact at present?” Chopper’s sudden words make Ezra jump in shock, then glance down once he realizes that yes, the droid is right - his hand is bright red and stinging. His nails have dug unintentionally into the meat of one of his palms and now the viscous red liquid is falling in thin dribbles over his moon lit skin and down onto the shadowed grass beside him.

“Sorry, Chop. I just got caught up in my own thoughts for a moment or two there, that's all. Are you okay to park our ride on your own if I focus on collecting some brush so that I can get a fire going?”

“Affirmative. Does S6 have all the supplies that he will require until S3 can return?”

Ezra smiles wryly. “Everything I need that's still currently available, yes, Chopper. Including my flint stone and plenty of food and water from in town. Though I do notice that we are suddenly mysteriously without the rest of my previous bottle of Brandy.”

Chopper whirs in affirmation softly. “Than S3 will go and check in on you shortly. And Ezra Bridger? For the record, S3 is very, very sorry.”

Ezra’s brow wrinkles up in confusion. “Sorry for what Chopper?”

A deep base voice speaks up then, from the pitch black shadow stretching out from one side of the temple. “Most likely, Kid? For not warning you about *me.*”

x0x0x0x0x0

Ezra backs up a quick step in shock, instantaneously slamming up his full scope of shielding even as he does so, praying like kark the whole time that he hasn’t been projecting his thoughts over the past minute or two. Because after all, the words that he's just said aloud have already been more than bad enough.

Kanan knows now - about Ezra's plans after this to find another route off of the planet. And kriff…Chopper had gotten Ezra to tell him Rex’s, designator as well.

Which means that Kanan… that Kanan knows everything now.

Well okay maybe not everything – thank kriff that Ezra's obsequious just by habit now when he's speaking to others about his old Master. Still, he takes an involuntarily step backward, in preparation to bolt even so. Because he’s definitely said enough at this point to end up dead and buried in the very, very near future, judging by the way that Kanan’s body is practically radiating with a combination of disbelief and fury at the moment.

“How in Force did you…”

“How did I get all the way out here before the two of you did?” Kanan grits his teeth, rolls his shoulders – takes a single, distinctly menacing step forward. “Chopper sent us the coordinates earlier., Ezra, while you were still sleeping. Not to even mention that the Phantom is a kark of a lot faster than anything that was available at the point that you and Chopper decided to go transport jacking." The older Jedi takes a step forward, working his jaw, his eyes ice cold. “You and I are overdue a long chat right now, Ezra, clearly.”

“Kanan…” Ezra hedges, taking an involuntary half of a step backwards.

“Be. Silent. Ezra!” The words are thunderous in their quiet determination, and again, for just the space of a heartbeat or so the younger Jedi seriously considers bolting –his eyes scanning the distant hills for escape routes or for adequate cover in the low grass. But ultimately, he’s just too kriffing tired to even bother at the moment. This week has been literally karked to hell and back, and ultimately, Ezra has to believe that this man is still ultimately Kanan – whose better angels Ezra’s always trusted when he's had to. It’s probably better in this case to just let the older man take the necessary pound of flesh until his temper cools down, and after that, they can at least try and talk about the subject rationally again.

So Ezra exhales, and then he drops his head nearly down to his chest with a quick nod, letting his supplication show in literally every line of his body. “Okay, Kanan. I’m sorry and I'm listening.”

“No, you’re not, Ezra," Kanan's voice is biting when he finally replies. "Not to me. Not to the Force. Kark - not even really to yourself at this point, as much as you’re trying to deny it. Force kid, it's like you’ve been playing a high stakes game of mental Sabbaac for so karking long now that you don’t even seem to acknowledge what the contents of the pot are anymore. Even though the stakes are so high for you at this point that you're bleeding yourself out just trying to cover the buy in.” 

Kanan gestures down toward Ezra’s still blood streaked hand as he walks down the hill in order to stop all but directly in front of him, the moon illuminating the planes of the older Jedi's face as he stares down at the younger man determinedly, “Only Ezra?" his voice heavy with equal measures of promise and warning. "The game is *over.* This table? Is closing down. Hand in your karking chips, Kid, you are cashing out, for the indefinite future at this point. Because you no longer have the kind of creds required to cover the kind of debts you are presently writing. The only tender you have left that’s worth a damn anymore, Ezra is straight up, unvarnished honesty at the moment.”

Ezra’s head jerks sharply up and down again, “I understand, Kanan.”

“So you say, Kid. We’ll be seeing. Because I have a list right now about as tall as you are, of stuff that still needs some additional... discussion. But in the meantime, Ezra.” Kanan takes another step forward then, his jaw twitching hard, his eyes flaring hot as he speaks. “Let me make this crystal clear, just for the sake of clarity from the onset. 'Captain Rex,' I believe was what Chopper called him? You vaunted master's old Clone trooper buddy from his war days? His chances of becoming you substitute guardian Ezra, instead of Hera and I? Just went from slim, to literally non-existent. You can set your current relocation plans *on fire*, Ezra. Because your former master, if he'd had any real credibility in my eyes to begin with - which he really, really didn't - lost it completely the moment I finally realized that he was at best a narcissistic asshole that I wouldn't trust with the safety of a plant which I happened to like, or at worst an expelled knight of the order who died and nearly took you along with him in the process of falling to the Sith. Either way you will go near any of your old clone trooper 'friends' at this point Ezra, the day after I am literally *karking dead and buried beside him.*”

Ezra doesn’t consciously remember making a choice then to actually hit Kanan. He just takes a swing, feeling his fist and Kanan’s nose connect, hot blood spurting, as both his mind and the link in his head explode in simultaneous fury. Because Kanan Jarrus? Is an absolute moron who clearly does not understand anything, who has *no clue at all* what it is that he’s actually implying. He needs to shut up right now. And if necessary? Ezra will kriffing make him. 

Everything gets distinctly fuzzy for a couple of long minutes after that– the whole world shifting into a wild blur of blows and epithets, of Force Shoves, Force Jumps and desperate parries - and all the while through it all, everything is knife sharp and blood red with with the force of Ezra's fury. The grief and pain growing sharper and sharper until it’s a relief, when just a few minutes later Ezra abruptly collapses downward under Kanan's final order to ‘sleep.’

**********

It's underhanded, Kanan supposes, for him to set up their initial round of conflict so that it cripples most of Ezra's strengths while also maximizing all of Kanan's own at the same time. Nothing in the world right now, can change the fact that in straight up hand to hand situation Kanan's way kriffing bigger than Ezra is, after all. But right now, especially in light of Chopper’s most recent round of bombshell revelations, Kanan doesn't care about being fair in this confrontation anymore. No, what he cares about right now is *force damned winning.*

Because Ezra - damaged, stupid, far too trusting of his Master, Ezra Bridger - has apparently been planning for all this time to offer up his neck to the universe by throwing himself literally on the mercy of a bunch of former GAR Clone Troopers. Like this is somehow a remotely *tenable* option.

And that? Is not going to happen. Not unless Kanan Jarrus is literally dead and buried first. Everyone has their breakpoints, after all. And he just hit his own, for the moment.

The first part of their fight passes predictably fast and brutal – finally ended not by an actual resolution of hostilities so much as via Kanan's forced sleep suggestion. When Ezra drops, the Older Jedi literally slumps for a moment in relief. Because frankly speaking by that point Ezra has clearly moved well past even remotely rational for the moment, and Kanan needs a second or two to check a couple of his ribs on the left side. Because that kid force shoves like a kriffing Gundark once he’s a certain level of angry. Or maybe like a pack of them truthfully.

Once Ezra’s finally unconscious – well at least for the moment anyway - Kanan lifts the now sleeping boy over his shoulder, carrying him back up the ramp and into the hold of Phantom, leaving open the boarding ramp and plopping the kid down across several of the rear folding seats. His other hand digs around in the lower compartment where he knows Hera keeps several packs of hydrating sports drinks for several seconds. He knows at this point that he needs to drink a couple of the bottles just as a precaution as hard as he’s been sweating in the last fifteen minutes, and if Ezra’s been hard lining Brandy all the way out here to the temple then that's probably doubly true for the kid, who is the walking talking definition of hot mess at the moment.

He drops a blanket over the smaller form then settles in on one of the seats across Ezra so that he’ll be in clear line of sight whenever the teenager finally opens his eyes - along with two bottles of the aforementioned sports drink as well. Because yes, whupping the kid’s ass from here to Capital City at this point if that’s what it takes to keep him safe is all fine and well at this juncture, but Kanan karking draws the line at unnecessarily dehydrating him.

Kanan empties two bottles of the too sweet green fluid in a row, drinking slowly as he does so, and then he closes his eyes and tries to begin re-establishing his own center of calm, first through deep breathing and then eventually through meditation. It’s not an easy task though. He’s been all but twanging with rage, disbelief and something very close to outright panic ever since Chopper first tricked Ezra into unintentionally outing Rex and his brothers when the two of them first arrive.

Ezra had actually intended to...to...Kanan can't allow himself to actually finish the sentence.

The older Jedi reminds himself then, that the men in question probably don’t even know that Ezra even exists yet, depending on how long ago they’d actually known or regularly interacted with his former master. The assurance either way that regardless of anything else they will never have the chance now to meet Kid completely and utterly unguarded is a comfort that Kanan can at least cling to for the moment .

Kanan doesn't meditate for all that long truthfully - maybe half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes, before he finally hears the sound of a low groan from the other set of chairs. After that, there's a pause and a low growl of disgust before there’s the sound of a gingerly shifting body and the distinct 'schick!' sound of another bottle of liquid being opened.

When he opens his eyes half a second later, Ezra is glaring at him dourly as the younger swallows down the last of Kanan’s offering in a seated position. The kid wipes his hand over his mouth before speaking. "Yes, you are an asshole Jarrus, and apparently about as perceptive as a blind, deaf flatworm when it comes to drawing reliable conclusions, but I'm still not attacking anyone when they're actively meditating. My former master? Was a very, very good man. He was absolutely *not a Sith.* I know that much for certain, because on two separate occasions, the two of us actually met and tangled with some, and believe me Jarrus, said men were very distinctly different! 'F' for faulty and generally dumbass assumptions. Also, thank you, I suppose that I’m now obligated to say, for sharing the Karabast drink.”

Kanan just rolls his eyes. So then they’re back to just verbally sparring again for the moment? Fine, he can deal with that. "I'm touched by your apparent retention of some personal standards, Kid.” He points to the second bottle still at Ezra’s feet. “Drink the other one too so you don’t end up anymore wrecked in the liver then you already are. I repeat for the record, Ezra - booze is not just water that's taking vacation."

Ezra snorts at that comment, his voice derisive, though he also does reach down and pick up the drink in question. "I can’t believe it’s actually come down to me having to explicitly say this to your face, but you are neither my Master nor my *mother,* Kanan Jarrus - no matter what in kriff is currently shaping your delusions."

‘Tell me that when you’re not addressing me by the title whenever you’re under the influence, kid. In Vino Veritas.' Kanan can't help but think in the moment, before he speaks up again, "Arguable Bridger. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, yadda yadda yadda. Like it or not I'm the closest thing that you've got to either one of the above at this point." Kanan cracks his own third bottle of liquid open, "And you clearly still need both at the moment, so you might as well just quit while you are actually ahead."

"Odd - I don't remember actually requesting re-assignment for either position,” Ezra snaps back at him tightly.

Kanan just shrugs his shoulders a little bit philosophically before replying. "Yeah, funny thing about that Ezra, is that the roles in question are usually assigned not requested. Admittedly normally from birth or shortly after, but hey – sometimes you get stuck with an awkward replacement. If you don't like the situation Kid, then you can always file a complaint about it when you finally reach the actual age of majority and be let off the hook at that point - well assuming that you're both reasonably healthy and self sufficient and not say a drunken, over-reactive kriffing mess. When you're still fourteen, half starved and still actively recovering from massive psychic trauma on the other hand..." Kanan makes a shaky up and down motion with one of his hands in Ezra's general direction, “You're pretty much out of luck for the moment. I personally suggest that you just zip your lip and deal with it."

Ezra blinks at Kanan for a long moment in response to that analogy, and then he laughs, high and more than a little bit hoarsely. "Force, you are certifiably insane! You do know that right, Jarrus? As in you are literally rounding the bend right now on the road that leads to the asylum."

Kanan's returning grin is just slightly feral - although this time around it's also less angry then before. "Well if I am Kid, then you better get used to the view from the bed in the room that's currently directly across the hall from me." He shrugs his shoulders "Because as Hera so kindly reminded me just a couple of weeks ago I'm a kark of a lot more afraid of ignoring the will of The Force concerning all of this Ezra than I am of fighting with you if it's necessary. I'm smart enough to know who’s the better boss here, Kid, in terms actually knowing everyone's better interests. Which means that I'm going to actually pay attention when the Force makes clear where and what it wants me to be."

"The Force wants you actively attempting to give me an ongoing ulcer, Kanan? Because I have to question that conclusion, quite frankly."

"Sounds like a topic for you and the Force, Kid, not one for you and me in specific at this point. I suggest you try adding it to your next meditation..."

"I've already been doing that for literal weeks now. Hasn’t helped much, Kanan, believe me."

“You’ve been meditating on the situation for that long Kid, and despite that you're still claiming right now that you can't sense...?" Kanan motions to the space in between the two them for a moment, his head tilted, his jaw working in pure frustration. "Ezra, you have to know - if you're actually in tune at all at this point, that this....this is not at all how we’re supposed to actually work, Kid. Something's off kilter here. It’s completely, as you once put it yourself, Ezra, ‘hinky.’"

"Yes." Ezra acknowledges then, finally tipping back the contents of the second bottle. "’Something is off kilter, Kanan. That something would be me. Because I can't - no, I won't walk down this particular road again, willingly for love or money. Because I already saw an earlier matinee of this show as I've mentioned before, and believe me, Jarrus, the final camera roll is pretty awful and messy.”

Kanan snorts, "Wow ... do you want me to maybe grab you a towel or something there, Kid? While you literally sit there drowning in a pool of your own self-pity? Because I have to tell you, Erza, that right now the constant whining about it all is seriously starting to grate on me."

Ezra clenches his fists at his side, "You have no idea what you're actually talking about right now Kanan, as we've already established, so why don't you just shut. the. kark. up. about. it. already!"

Kanan snorts very softly in response to that claim, “Ezra, nobody in Karabast creation knows this particular sob story better than I do at present. You’re basically the new and not particularly improved edition of me. You start out walking a road at some point earlier on in your life, because it’s clearly yours and it’s where you belong until suddenly said road turns brutal and ugly and abruptly ends up costing what you assume is too much. And so you run, and you drown yourself in intoxicants for a decade or so until one day you suddenly wake up to discover that surprise, surprise - you are still who you have always been no matter how much you might want to run it. The path is still there in front of you and it's still yours to walk, same as ever Kid. It always has been it always will be. Only now on top of being a wreck you also get to deal with the realization that you've just wasted ten years on literally nothing but hiding from your life that could have been spent instead on ...get this, *actual healing.*”

Kanan takes another sip of his own drink. "Yes, I know...it hurts like kark to endure what you just have, Ezra - I'm not going to try and claim otherwise. But guess what, if you're in the process of actively running away from your life instead of running towards it even as hard as that can be at times like this, then it *is* still just a big pity party on your part, and it will never be anything else until the day that you finally *stop hiding* and start actually dealing with the necessary.”

"I am *trying* to ‘deal with the karking necessary!’” Ezra cuts him off at a near shout. “As you so tritely just put it. I am trying desperately to build something better right now…” Ezra points an accusing finger at the older man. "Newsflash, Jarrus! You are the one who is repeatedly *not letting me!*”

"You’re trying to build something 'better...'” Kanan puts the last of the word in sarcastic air quotes, “By willfully ditching the only other living Jedi that you know of at this point in your life in order to go and live with a bunch of former Clone troopers instead. Men who you don’t even know as anything but the shadows of your master's memories. " Kanan reiterates, "Whose ‘brothers’ wiped out all but a likely pittance of our order about the same time as you were born - assuming that there are any other Jedi left out there alive anymore at this point other than just you and me."

"You make it sound so karking personal, when you say it that way Jarrus." Ezra groans sharply into his hands. “It’s nothing against you personally at all, why can't you seem to understand that?! None of this decision is about you, all right? My reasons for doing this are ultimately all about me.”

"It is personal, Ezra!" Kanan snaps back, looking for a moment like a nearly rabid wolf. "Unlike you, Kid, I’ve actually met actual Clone Troopers before. And I was there when they literally cut down my master right in front of me! Are you really that naive? That fundamentally blind to the details of your own cultural history? That kind of decision on you part will never not be anything but a suicidally stupid direct slap to the face to someone like me!"

"Other clones may have been a threat to the Jedi at one point, yes, Kanan, but these three are different, I'm telling you! None of them having karking chips that work anymore. How many times do I have to tell you that my master trusted Rex with his life explicitly! That Rex called For kriff's sake, Jarris, for three years he worked with the man repeatedly! Well after the completion of order 66."

"I don’t care at this point if your former master trusted the karking Emporer himself, Ezra. As has already been stated, he is no longer with you anymore, I am. Which is clearly a pretty big step up for you at this point, Ezra, since as already I already stated earlier, he was clearly less than a looming pillar of light judging by the absolute mess that he left after he died as his legacy!"

Ezra literally to starts to shake again with barely repressed rage at those words. He points at the older Jedi hard with one of his pointer fingers, shoving forward to the very edge of his bench. "Don’t you dare disparage his name that way in front of me again, Kanan! Don’t you dare presume at this point in time that you even have the right right now to bend over and kiss his karking feet! You know nothing about him or about the life he chose to live, Jarrus! Literally, absolutely nothing!"

"Oh, I already know everything I possibly need to know about the man by this point in time, Ezra." Kanan rises to feet then, and spreads his arms out mockingly as he continues to speak. "He may not have a name, but he was a literal God among mere men apparently. So much so that you're literally running like a mynock out of hell into the arms of potential murderers right now to avoid even taking the chance that you might actually belong with another Jedi instead! So clearly the man was a moral bastion who cared for you as you deserved at the very same time that taught you how to recognize and appreciate the value of having both cultural past and a family!"

Ezra explodes up and off of the bench in response to that particular dig, pivoting sharply once he reaches his feet and stomping back out of the open back entrance of the shuttle and out into clearing between the Phantom and the Temple. Kanan pivots and then follows him out and into the darkness, his own jaw set, because they have apparently reached the start of physical round two. And it it's about karking time to speak very frankly.

Because truthfully, yes: Kanan had always intended to bait Ezra into another round of fisticuffs or brawling if he could do so. He had meant to drag out the younger man's anger, and shove them toward another round of actual physical reckoning. He all but needs the kid to take another swing at him once they're both clearheaded. Both because the kid has got to eventually acknowledge who had the position of top dog right now, and because, on an even more fundamental level Ezra isn’t going to survive if he doesn’t eventually acknowledge the truth. If he can’t face up to and start to purge some of his lifetime's worth of both terror and grief. If he can't acknowledge what his relationship with his former master had actually made of him.

Kanan genuinely hadn’t known until that moment in front of the temple though, though perhaps he probably should have, what would ultimately be the final lynch pin in toppling both Ezra's guise and his emotional composure completely. All Kanan’d really needed to do in the end was exactly what he’d wanted to do for literal days now...

...Start taking pot shot’s at the Kid’s old Master apparently.

Because Ezra Bridger comes for him then, the moment that Kanan’s just a few yards clear of the Phantom. Not with strategy or tactics no - but mercilessly, rapidly and silently - with more power behind his eyes and in the air around him than Kanan Jarrus has ever karking seen. With the exact kind of raw unfiltered force potential that if left unchecked long enough could probably level or raise entire cities. It would probably honestly be the most terrifying thing that Kanan's ever encountered in his life up to that moment honestly, if it weren't also the most stupid, pointless bull-rush of a charge that he's ever karking seen.

Ezra after all, is at best one hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet - if even that. The kid's head barely touches the top of Kanan's shoulder - his power may be great but grappling physical combat isn't currently his best way to employ it. With Kanan rooted in the Force for balance as he is, and without either of them currently bearing a blade the kid may have power yes, but with this particular type of attack Ezra is essentially just headbutting against a wall like a kriffing battering ram. This isn't isn't a real fight, no– this is him just purely venting his fury.

Which is too bad for Ezra really, at least for the moment. Because after all battering rams usually require more than one blow to actually work. Battering rams aren't effective on targets that are easily mobilized and battering rams sure as kark don't usually aim at walls that can actually fight back. Stopping Ezra is almost painfully, ridiculously easy for Kanan under the circumstances. The older Jedi simply shifts his torso as Ezra finally draws closer, grabs the younger man by the back of his jumpsuit and tosses him, using the teenager’s own forward momentum from the charge in order to fuel most of the necessary motion. Then he puts his hands on his hips, as Ezra lands face down in the high grass. "Sloppy, Bridger. Really, really damn sloppy. Try again, Kid- and little a harder next time around. For Force sakes don’t waste our kriffing time if we are actually going to have to do this."

Ezra growls in reply, flipping from him stomach onto his back before swiftly kipping back up and onto his feet. The kid's next attack is far more controlled but really no more effective. The force shove Ezra sends in his direction slams Kanan back a fairly decent distance yes, but the older Jedi never truly loses his footing, and when Ezra tries to use the resulting distraction in tandem with burst of force assisted speed in order to jump, flip and land behind Kanan's back, the he merely makes a derisive sound as he spins around swiftly in return, planting a boot as he does directly in the center of Ezra's ass and very deliberately pushing.

"So is this an actual fight Bridger? Or just a five year old's temper tantrum? Because I honestly can't tell at the moment, judging by the way that just keep on bull-rushing me. It's like you're not even actually trying. I'm guessing your esteemed master's advice would have been something like, 'do karking better.’ If he'd have cared enough to have an actual opinion at all, I mean."

Ezra growls at him again, though this time around he doesn't take any further initiative than that. Instead the younger Jedi simply holds his own ground for the moment, trying to steady breathing. Kanan tilts his heads to one side, "Are you ready to cede now?" He asks mock conversationally, raising an eyebrow even as he voices the question.

Ezra's own response, besides just a slight shift of his stance is a long string of increasingly crude multilingual obscenities. The older Jedi snorts hard in almost automatic reaction. "Well come on then.' he motions the teenager forward with his hand. "I'm going to want to stop and eat eventually, you know. This stuff tends to burn a lot of kriffing calories."

Ezra's eyes are wet and wild now – a potent mix of frustration and fury, and Kanan, looking at the way that the kid’s whole body is starting to shake again just with the sheer effort of trying to repress his emotions, figures they've both had just about enough of this essentially. If this goes on for too much longer Ezra's almost certainly going to stroke out from high blood pressure or something.

Which is why when the teenager comes at him this time around, Kanan takes the blow instead of simply deflecting it, with only a little grunt for his effort as he does so. The older Jedi pivots hard and drops them both to the ground - with Kanan absorbing most of the impact as he does so, before rolling swiftly over and pinning the younger man's arms to the ground on either side of him. He grunts a little as Ezra bucks, adjusts his crouching lower body. "This is over, Kid. I win! For kriff's sake, Ezra, just cede!"

"Let me go!" Ezra grits out in desperate reply, his voice cracking with the weight of unshed tears even as he struggles and fights the hold on his wrists with equal measures of both terror and panic.

"Kid, how many time do I have to say this: That. Is. Not. Karking. Happening." Kanan calms his tone, speaking as steadily as he can possibly manage, aiming for in control in his tone but not for authoritarianism or further cruelty, seeing as how Ezra probably doesn't require any more goading just gentle to truth to finally break him completely. "I know that it pisses you off to hear that, and frankly probably scares you to death, but I'm sorry Kid it's still the literal truth, and you're just going to have to try and get used to it eventually."

"Force, I karking hate you!" Ezra spits back in reply, spewing still more profanity, even though right now his eyes are clearly starting to glisten, though the moisture blurring his vision thus far refuses to actually spill over.

"Yeah, so you keep telling me, Kid." Kanan replies, watching the tears well up in wide blue eyes, "But news flash for you, Ezra – that doesn't actually change anything! At least not in terms of how it's going to be! You can karking hate me if you need to right now! You can run! You can try your best to shut me out - and I'm still going be here two steps directly to the left of you all the way. Because I karking well know right now that that's where I’m *meant* to be Force Damned be!"

Ezra bites down so hard on his lower lip that it literally bleeds then, before the teenager brings up a sharp, desperate knee – no doubt aiming for Kanan's groin as he does so. The older Jedi deflects the attack without any difficulty, though he does have to pause and readjust his grip on the struggling body after a couple more moments. Ezra's back to being more instinct than he is reason right now in his struggles. The shields around the kid's mind are finally cracking under the strain, Thank Force, the emotions underneath literally swirling and boiling in their sheer desperation. Almost there. Almost done. ' Well hopefully'

When Ezra attempts yet another groin shot, his eyes slamming tightly shut against the building flood, Kanan finally curses softly, releases his hold for the barest number of seconds, then flips the teenager over in the grass and onto his stomach so that Ezra can’t make the same kind of attempt to unman him again. So close...so karking close. 'Just a little further.'

"Enough Ezra." He repeats one final time, pinning the younger man's torso in place with most of the weight of his upper body. "Just let it go already, Kid. This is not a fight you are going to be allowed to win, do you karking understand me? Just. Let. It. Go. Kriffing Please!" 

Ezra just fights him even harder, his palms clenching into tight fists, though he doesn't call even once on the assistance of the Force, Kanan notes. And then the older Jedi's hand smacks down hard at least a dozen or more times on the teenager’s upper thighs and backside with more than enough force behind each blow to sting. It's less than delicate Kanan acknowledges, but the best he can come up with for breaking the desperately overfilled emotional at the moment.

Kanan can feel the emotional barriers in Ezra’s mind finally crumble in response as the teenager beneath him starts first to shake and then to sniffle repeatedly - his whole body quaking in response to both the chaos in his head and the far more literal pain in his body - well all the while Kanan keeps up a pattern of repetitive swats until at last the fabric beneath his hand grows warm from the repeat application of friction and Ezra's previously tense form goes suddenly utterly limp against the ground. All of the fight finally dropping out of the smaller former as the tears inside the kid finally make their escape, spilling hot and ruthless out of Ezra eyes and onto the soft grass that's directly beneath him.

Which is the exact moment at which Kanan finally releases his own hold on the struggling boy, backing off immediately, just far enough for the time being to give Ezra plenty of room to roll off of his stomach and into another position if he chooses to. The teenager responds to Kanan's retreat by flipping instinctively onto his side then and curling up into a tight compact ball of abject misery.

"...Ezra." Kanan's voice is soft now as well as as soothing as he can possibly make it even as he reaches out a careful hand to stroke through the dark head of hair. Which Ezra accepts without so much as a flinch. "It's all right...you're going to be okay, Kid. I know that it doesn’t feel that way right now but I swear to Force, it’s going to start getting better. It’s going to be all right, you’re not alone anymore. I’m right here and I swear to Force, Ezra that I’m always going to be if I have any say about it. This is just a new beginning okay? It isn't any kind of end."

There is no reply to those words really, short of the teen curling in even tighter on himself in response, his breath still ragged with the force of his grief and the intensity of his weeping. Kanan watches him for another moment or so, feeling utterly helpless, before finally sighing very deeply, and reaching out to gingerly shift the kid a little closer and ease him into a very gently hug. He's fully prepared to back off if Ezra stiffens or tries to push away the offered comfort instead. It’s always a possibility after all, Kanan knows, that the normally standoffish teenager isn’t going to want to be touched for awhile - by anyone under the present circumstances, and as much as it kills Kanan to even think about it, if that’s what happens then the older Jedi is going to have at least try and respect it.

Instead though, Kanan is almost immediately rewarded for taking the chance at all when literally three heartbeats later, Ezra curls his whole form forward into physical reach of the larger man’s body – the younger man's hands digging into Kanan's shirt front for a moment or so in silent, pleading desperation.

Sighing in, relief, Kanan stretches out his legs in front of him, then gingerly crosses them. It takes him another moment or so to arrange the smaller, trembling form into a semi comfortable position on his lap, but eventually he's got the kid essentially curled up half resting against him, one side of Ezra pressed against Kanan's broad sternum. Ezra's dark head of hair is tucked in under Kanan's chin for the moment, as the older Jedi strokes through the younger man's hair several times methodically before eventually wrapping both of his arms around the smaller shakig body, murmuring basic nonsense reassurance all the while, while he sits and waits for Ezra to eventually find his center and hopefully start to calm down again. 

The teenager doesn't stop crying though - not after five minutes, or fifteen or even twenty. In fact if something doesn’t change relatively soon, Kanan realizes by around minute twenty-eight, the kid isn’t going to manage to calm himself down at all, so much as literally cry himself into an utterly exhausted sleep, cry straight through his dreams, and then wake in a couple of hours with an awful dehydration headache to deal with on top of everything else he's struggling with at the moment. Ezra Bridger is probably going to keep on crying, Kanan realizes, until the river inside of him literally runs dry. Assuming that that's even possible for the kid at the moment.

And no one deserves to be left fighting that kind of prolonged agony all alone, at least not in Kanan's own opinion anyway. So he draws in a deep, steadying breath, releases it and then very, very carefully brushes his own mind against the teenager’s now paper thin shielding. Not demanding information as he does so, nor even really requesting entrance, just offering a steady mental flood of warmth and reassurance, while making his offer of assistance very, very clear to the both of them. Kanan is here and he wants to help... he *will* karking help, he swears to Force he will, if Ezra will just trust him enough to finally *let him in.*

He waits there, gently testing the barriers, until at last they fall away like a thin sheet of silk, allowing Kanan to slip almost effortlessly in past the outer edge of Ezra’s mental safeguards and into the center of the teenager’s mind, bringing a literal flood of love and comfort and reassurance right along with him. 

Only for both of their bodies to suddenly jerk in reaction as if they’ve been suddenly contacted by a live wire as Kanan's mind reaches out to wrap itself around Ezra's own with a warm rush of healing and praise and ‘Yes, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone...’ Only for him to feel the Force literally thunder in the depths of his own head in sudden reaction, before sending a sharp rush of sudden, almost unspeakable power literally streaming into psychic cores of the both of them.

And then Kanan is spasming in repeated shock as well as the energy ensnaring both of them abruptly ripples: once, twice, four times in a row - each surge of power carrying with it further rightness and finally allowed restoration. As a training bond *already present*- faint and strained and terribly, terrifyingly fragile yes but also *already karking there* because this thing was *forced willed*, right from the start and how in Force had Kanan *not* previously recognized it?! 

The bond flares from a narrow strand of intertwining gossamer threads into something as thick as a cable even as he instinctively reaches toward it. Toward a binding secure and solid and right and so incredibly relieving. Like Kanan’s just discovered something of himself again that he'd never even consciously realized before now was actually missing. 

The link roots in deep - not beside, not above or below but literally atop where Ezra's old bond with his previous master had been. While the teenager in his lap keens with relief and terror both, his whole body shaking, as ripple after ripple of power flares repeatedly through the both of them. Well all the while the influx of energy continuing to build on the bond, linking the two of them together, over and over and over, binding their minds and fates into an interdependent, and hopefully long enduring journey.

"Sith spit. What in the… what in karking hell just happened?" The words come out as a strangled gasp through Kanan's own lips. He doesn’t even realize that he's speaking until Ezra literally flinches hard in reaction, curling in on himself as best as he can even as the trembling fourteen year old tries to scoot backward like a beaten child out of his spot on Kanan’s lap.

"I'm sorry." He babbles, "Force Master, I'm so, so, so sorry. I tried, Kanan. I swear to force that I did. I did everything that I could possibly think of to stop it, to keep it all from just starting up again. I really, truly tried to take a higher road on this second time around, Master. I did..." 

And yes - despite it all the kid is still kriffing crying. 

"Hush Ezra." And Force but Kanan doesn't understand most if not all of what is happening at the moment. He still doesn't grasp any of the reasons for the almost limbic level of fear that he can now sense connected to Ezra’s desperate rush of nonsense words. But it's all there where Ezra can't hide it anymore nonetheless. The terror for the teenager is real, and it’s violent and it’s literally crushing him to death. Ezra's genuinely terrified for both of them right, and Force but in the face of that very real panic Kanan literally can't help but respond with instinctive, protective parental reassurance.

"It's fine, Kid. I promise you. It's going to be all right. We’ll figure it out."

Ezra lets out an almost manic giggle in reaction. "No, it isn't going to be all right, Master! Force, Kanan! You say that like you actually know – like you have any karking clue at all! But this is not my first time at this particular carnival, all right!? I've been on this damn ride at least one time around already over the past four years and I’m telling you by the end of it only one of us will still be alive. And at least half way to permanently out of their mind!"

Ezra buries his face in Kanan’s chest again then, clinging like a young child who had just been woken by night terrors. Kanan frowns deeply, considering that statement for a couple more long and hesitant moments, turning the words over in his head before finally pushing the teenager just far enough back in his lap that Kanan can see Ezra’s face as the two of them continue speaking. 

"You've been having swarms of Force visions haven't you? Ever since The Ghost first came into orbit during that first mission? Ones where the two of us ended up as Master and Padawan, and then I ended up dead or something? And something very similar happened just before your first master died?"

Ezra giggles - this time outright hysterically, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I suppose that if you need a kriffing explanation for all of this then that one is as good of one as any of the others. Because Karabast if *I* understand exactly what the kark is really happening!" He giggle-whines once more, and this time, from Kanan’s vantage point inside the teenager’s crumbling mindscape, he starts to truly grasp just how close Ezra's been for literal days now to outright breaking. To the kid's sanity literally crumpling like wet paper under the sheer weight of the wrongness of the world that's all around him. A world simultaneously real and yet also not his own.

This...this is more than Kanan first grasped isn’t it? This is about far more than just Ezra losing one Master and then finding another even though he's terrified to have anotherat this point in his life. This is about more than his parent’s disappearance all those years ago or even the damage that's been wreaked on his psyche by a previously shattered force bond. This is about more than just the link that is currently forming - no reforming - rapidly between the two of them at the moment.

"Ezra what in kark is actually going on here?" The words are quiet but also very intense when Kanan finally finds his voice again, the question equal parts demand and plea for any kind of coherent information that might help him start to truly understand the actual situation.

His Padawan only replies to the question by outright giggling. Though not defiantly exactly, Kanan notes instinctively at the same time. There's just nothing stable left of the kid that can answer anymore, not in the wake of their recent fight and Ezra's following cry and the way that the older Jedi has just finished up literally spanking the tears and the truth both simultaneously out of him.

"You probably wouldn’t believe me even if I did tell you, Kanan. Kark, I'm the one who's living through it at present and even I don't believe me sometimes. I keep expecting to wake up strapped to an interrogation table in a star destroyer or something with Thrawn or on of the inquisitorius standing over me laughing. It would certainly be no less illogical for that to be the reality right now than what actually seems to be happening!"

The words make something pang hard in the center of Kanan's chest - and rocks the teenager carefully even as he continues to speak. "You'd be surprised what I'd believe right now Ezra, under the current circumstances. Seriously, Kid - just spill it already. Tell me what you know, at least from your own current perspective Ezra, and I absolutely promise you: I will not judge you, just help make things better if I can."

Ezra shudders, then giggles yet again, drawing in another deep breath. "Fine. Don't say that I didn't warn you, though. Welcome to crazyville, Master. I am eighteen karking years old, Kanan! Or at least I was until about nine weeks ago anyway. Which is about the time that I fell asleep in a chair on the Rebellion base on Yavin because Sabine and Hera kriffing sedated me in the wake of *your* death, both insisting I that I was actively killing myself from insufficiently treated exhaustion. And then I woke up here, Kanan. In this time and this body, trapped in a dream that I can’t quite seem to wake up from, no matter how hard I try to do so. No matter how much I want at this point to truly not be asleep.”

Ezra lifts his hands to his hair then, digging them into his scalp, hard enough that Kanan raises one of his own hands for a moment to try and ease the grip just a little, before the teenager’s fingernails can break the skin, or even worse yet, before Ezra actually manages to pull any of his hair free in large clumps. "Easy, Kid. Easy." Kanan murmurs, debating for a moment if he should wait on the rest of this explanation and put Ezra back under for awhile instead. He settle for sending pulses of calm and reassurance into the kid for now, instead- as strong and constant as he can possibly manage to keep them for now given his own inner turmoil at the moment. 

Because Force, yeah Ezra was right...the teenager absolutely does sound crazy. Sith hells - he sounds insane at a level that would normally require a course or two of locked-ward psychotherapy. Except for two things other things that Kanan also can’t help but be blazingly achingly aware of at the moment.

Number one….Neither Ezra nor the Force itself - which is still wrapped around the two of them, sharp and bright and pulsing as it continues to weave more and more psychic strands between the two of them- is giving any indication at all that the teenager is either incorrect or deliberately lying at present. Ezra truly believes every word that he’s just shared, and the Force …? The Force isn’t even mildly contradicting him. If anything it’s doing just opposite, really: humming True True True True repeatedly at Kanan.

Two… Kanan can literally sense both the depth and age of the bond that’s currently forming between the two them. No, he corrects himself, not forming like it's new…restoring back to whatever strength it had originally been before...before Kanan'd died. Which only moves this entire mess from seriously, epically karked up just in general terms to a new and likely profound level of *Shatterpoint* crazy.

Because Ezra is speaking the truth - at least as far as he can consciously comprehend it, anyway - and as a result all around them the kriffing galaxy is literally shifting and bending and remaking itself in front of his eyes while he literally clings to the boy who lays at the center of this apparent chronal hurricane while all the while the currents of time shift in larger and faster ripples around the both of them.

Kanan just sits there for the moment and he holds on to Ezra for dear life - because the younger Jedi is slipping right now – slowly, steadily, if not irrecoverably just yet. And honestly Ezra probably has been ever since the very first moment that Kanan laid eyes on him all those weeks ago. What’s teetering over the precipice right now isn’t his Padwan's alignment to the light or the dark side, though. No, Kanan realizes, a little panicked with realization, this is about Ezra’s sanity. Because no one - no matter how young, how brave, how fucking resilient can endure this kind of mental dissonance alone indefinitely without eventually completely cracking under the strain of carrying around this kind of secret alone. Not when reality at its most basic level of is based upon a world of shared time, place and memory.

"How in the karking Force?" Kanan mutters into his hair, squeezing his eyes shut before exhaling raggedly, "Did you not literally flip your lid the very first moment that you set your eyes on all of the rest of us in that market, Kid? Because Ezra, I would probably have gone completely *psycho* at that point if we’d been in opposite positions."

Ezra giggles in reply to the question, reaching up to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. "Psychological detachment maybe? Or enough time to adjust at least a little bit beforehand to everything that was happening before the rest of you arrived on planet? When I first woke up in this time stream, Kanan, and I realized that I wasn't going anywhere I kind of ...well I guess that I just kind of lost my kriff for a bit. I did a lot of yelling at no one initially, a lot throwing things and screaming at the sky. Tried to 'wake myself up' about every half sane way that I could possibly come up with. Without any luck. Tried more then one less then sane way as well,truthfully." He wipes his eyes, again, finally. "Then one afternoon while I was getting food I ended up stealing a bottle of Whiskey from one of the shops in town just to try and turn it all off for awhile. And well...I woke up on the floor of my tower with said bottle empty about a day and a half after that." Ezra chuckles then, sniffling wetly, nose wrinkling in remembrance, "I have to admit, Kanan, I genuinely thought when I first regained a decent measure of consciousness that the hangover from that particular decision was going to end up literally killing me.”

Kanan makes a distressed sound in response to that confession, tightening the hug, but Ezra isn’t done speaking quite yet. “As it turned out though, that dry out period helped out a lot in the long run, Master. Because I was too physically and mentally flattened to go out and get more booze at that time. I didn’t have the physical strength or the psychological focus to manage another trip into town for almost two days, and there was really nothing else that I could do after the worst of the vomiting passed except just lie there wherever I happened to fall and try and meditate in order to fill up the hours, as my head gradually started clearing. At which point I finally realized Kanan, that if this really was going to be my 'life' for the foreseeable future ...if this was all actually happening and I couldn't prove that it wasn't then you and the others were going to be showing up on Lothal in a little more than four weeks time. And so I better sober up and get my ass back in gear. Because if I didn't you guys were all going to die or be captured by the Empire during the course of our original first job together because I was a drunken loser who couldn’t handle doing my part this time around. Which no...." Ezra shakes his head. "Just no to infinity. Like Kark was I just going to clock out that way and watch them take you guys away helplessly in the same way that I had to watch when they took my parents from me."

"And after the mission was over, Ezra? When you apparently decided to dump us all off to the side like we were so much useless baggage?" 'For reasons I still don't entirely understand? But about which we will *definitely be talking?*' "What exactly was your plan for after that, huh?"

Well other than more excessive drinking apparently: which Ezra had already had an ample start on when Kanan had first relocated him and dragged him out for breakfast that first morning in the market. When he'd found about the Kid’s shattered training link. A link that no doubt had been constantly trying to reform despite the Kid’s best efforts to stop it ever karking since.

Ezra shakes his head, shrugs his shoulder, doesn’t bother to look up. "Basically, Kanan I figured that I'd just duck and stay under cover until Hera got restless like she normally does after a couple of day and you guys finally jumped back out of the system. At which point - I don't know, I planned to finally re-emerge and start acquire enough funds to get off of the planet in a few months and start living life on my own after the resulting divergence.”

Ah yes, Kanan scowls very deeply at that particular admission. Recalling Ezra’s apparent plans to dump the rest of them like so much unwanted bagged before ultimately seeking out and throwing himself on the mercy of a bunch of ‘they who shall not be named…’

Kanan blinks hard as another thought registers. This Rex? Was some Ezra actually had met. Who he claims Kanan had grown to consider a friend. Even though right now that whole idea is nothing short of ridiculous.

Ezra laughs wetly as if aware of Kanan's current thought processes, "Only then, surprise surprise, you guys refused to leave when you were supposed to after I first disembarked. Because I'm apparently cursed Kanan, and you're all a bunch of stubborn idiots."

Kanan cuffs the back of his head in reaction to that claim. "Pot. Your name is kettle.” The older Jedi growls. “Just the record right now, Ezra, I'm still debating whether or not I ought to be spanking your damn ass again! Just given the sheer amount of blatant self-destruction that you've been recently displaying! I mean, do you have any clue at all concerning the level of damage that you’ve probably managed to cause in your own mind over the past couple of weeks just repeatedly fighting off the damn reformation?” 

Kanan runs a hand down his face, "If you’d kept it up for very much longer, Ezra you probably would have ended up with permanent psychosis on top of severe psychic scarring. And the pull that both of us felt toward each other? Would have still been there forever Ezra, regardless of how hard or how long you fought against it. Did other me really never teach you at least that much about force willed links like ours is, Ezra? What the kark do you know that I don’t right now that could possibly justify this reckless and stupid of an ongoing decision?!*"

Ezra’s next breath is definitely tremulous before he finally answers, "I was thinking that we were back to being basically strangers, Kanan. And that you didn’t appear to have any remnants of said psi-link, okay? Only I did! And when all was said and done, at least under my present circumstances, Kanan, that may have actually been a considerable blessing….”

“Ezra…” The older Jedi tries to cut him off with a deep frown,

But the teenager remains stubbornly insistant, “No, Kanan. My turn to talk for now. Look, until that first day in the market, Master, you literally didn't know me from Adam. But I still knew and loved all of you, all right? And given that I'm the one with the mind that's been kriff'd to Malachor and back as a result of everything that’s happened, forgive me for assuming that deliberately chaining you to the chair beside me on the crazy train wasn't and still isn't a particularly ‘good' or moral thing."

Kanan has a lot to say in response to that particular load of banthakriff right now, but nothing that Ezra's actually capable of really hearing yet, and so instead he settles on hugging his padawan even more tightly, at least for the moment, continuing to channel broad streams of comfort down the link as the kid relaxes more and more completely against him.

After another minute or so Ezra glances back over at Kanan, his lips finally quirking at his master, just a little. "Also for the record while we are on the subject of the past few minutes, Jarrus: in defense of my continued sense of dignity and my ability to look in the mirror on a semi regular basis I regret to inform you, that I apparently blanked out just shortly after I tried to knee you during our fight a few minutes ago, Master, and I don't currently remember anything that happened after that until after I started crying. I’m currently susceptible to minor bouts of selective traumatic amnesia, apparently."

The look that Kanan gives him in reply to *that* particular comment is some strange mixture of affectionately bemused and absolutely unimpressed. "Start talking banthacrap about running off to live with Clone Troopers like you were doing before, Ezra, and I promise you that it won't be a problem, for either of us for more than a couple of seconds. Because I will just immediately and painfully refresh your memory as to my views on that particular subject."

"Duly noted," Ezra answers, gingerly shifting his weight on Kanan’s lap with a distinct wince of discomfort.

"Still a little sore right now I take it?" Kanan asks him abashed, a little horrifyingly amused a moment later by the teenager’s far too awkward expression. Though thankfully he isn't apparently the only one currently using some distinctly wry humor in order to help himself cope with everything that's just happened.

Ezra’s shrug is easy even as his lips quirk up wryly at the corners as he glances again at his Master. "What can I say? You hit like a force damned shovel, Kanan. And it's been...quite awhile now since anyone has actually spanked me, frankly speaking. Plus at this point in my life I tended to bruise like a damn yogan. My bruises are probably going to have bruises by morning unless I miss my guess, though that trait'll thankfully recede as I get a few more pounds on this frame hopefully."

Easy bruising probably indicates a basic case of chronic malnutrition as well as probable scurvey. He's going to need to start getting a multivitamin into the kid then, as soon as he possibly can. "How long is 'awhile' exactly, Ezra?" Kanan's genuinely curious to hear an answer for any number of reasons. The most obvious of them right now being that he's really, really hoping that what he'd had to do to Ezra a few minutes earlier hadn't actually been a regular thing that the two of them had to deal with in the day. Though yes, Kanan's also well aware that Ezra's more than capable sometimes of hitting outright self destructive levels of stubborn, and Kanan'll still take actively kicking the kid's ass on any day of the week over the alternative of him actually losing him..

“How long has it been since I'm been spanked before today, you mean?" Ezra raises an eyebrow at the question, his eyes going far, far away. "Force not since before the Empire took away my parents, Kanan. So well over a decade according to my memories...and eight years at least from the perspective of my current body. "

Kanan relaxes slightly, "So then you're saying that the other me never had to do the same then...?"

"No!” Ezra snorts, “Though I won't say that he probably wasn't ever tempted to do so, Kanan. I was definitely a handful sometimes, especially when the two of us first met."

"’Was’ a handful you say. And Hera didn't ever do so either?" That’s a little hard for Kanan to believe that right now, honestly, just given Ezra’s sheer levels of ongoing recklessness, snark and bad language. Four years is a very long time to share a small space after all, Kanan knows. Especially a small space like a kriffing space ship.

Ezra snorts, "No – she didn’t ever have to either, Kanan. Though there were quite a few times during our first few years together that my 'free time' ended up involving an awful lot of extra chores and scrubbing instead." 

"Neither of us? Not even once?" Kanan regards the younger man with a small amount of disbelief as the younger man nods and shrugs. “When exactly, Ezra did I qualify for sainthood in your original timeline?”

Ezra actually snorts with laughter in response to that comment, then shakes his head before finally wiping his eyes on more time with a wry. "I guess you can just say that I never screwed up badly enough that it became a necessary option for either of them. There were always extenuating circumstances involved when I went this far off the rails, so to speak. But then again, Kanan," Ezra smirks just a little bit at no one in particular before finally continuing, "Please don't make the mistake of thinking that fourteen year old me was actually *anything* like I am right now, okay? I was a kark of a lot less socialized for one thing initially, when the group of us first met, and I was far warier of losing my place on the ship, whereas here my entire goal was the opposite. Look, I know that I don't really look it right now Master, given my present body, but still I remind you that in terms of years actually lived, I am technically just a few weeks shy of turning nineteen.”

"You were physically eighteen before you came back in time, maybe, Ezra." Kanan corrects the statement gruffly. "But sadly for the state of your rear at the moment, you’ve clearly been demoted from that particular position..."

"Well I'm certainly too old for spanking anymore." Ezra snorts in soft reply. "At least in most cases, anyway."

Kanan raises an eyebrow, "In 99.9% of situations, Kid? Yes, I agree that you definitely are. For a very few select forms of recurring stupidity though, I’m prepared to still whup you ass... either figuratively or literally, whether you’re fourteen years old or twenty-five or fifty. If you don’t like the idea that much, Ezra, well then your ‘dignity‘ will either have to learn to cope with that reality or better yet start promoting less self destructive decision making processes. Cause the way I figure it, Kid if you’re old enough to *repeatedly* display truly epic levels of stupid then you’re also karking old enough to know about and live with the possible consequences afterward.”

Ezra snorts very softly in reply to that assessment, bemused. "Kriff sometimes you sound like you grew up in the feudal middle ages, Kanan, you do know that, right?"

"My Master was a Knight, Kid." Kanan reminds him very, very dryly. "And you better karking believe that the only punishments that we faced at Temple were not just meditation or chores for particularly serious offenses. Force, Ezra, the leader of the council carried around his own personalized whacking stick."

“I guess.” Ezra shrugs one more time, “Though, for the record, I really don’t think that it’ll likely be an issue again anytime remotely soon, Kanan. Because yes, while my parents did spank me when I was little, at least on occasion, mainly because I could be pretty stubborn sometimes, apparently..."

"You? Stubborn? Never." Kanan shoots back blandly, earning a mock little huff of affront from the still red faced teenager in immediate reaction.

"Still as a general rule, Kanan, it rarely comes down to power struggles that like for me most ofthe time, because literally nothing’s a bigger deterrent for me in most cases than just having to live with other people’s ongoing anger, sorrow or disappointment. The payout of winning stupid fights under that kind of toll in very, very rarely worth it to me." "Good to know. I'm guessing that your folks and my other self probably figured that out pretty quickly too, and then learned to actually make talk if you did suddenly become so recalcitrant, if your doing so wasn't generally something that commonly happened." "For the most part, yes...as you've probably already noticed I prefer compromising, bargaining, or such as that to get what I want or need, Kanan. Because in my own experience at least it's easier when everybody wins. Not that that mindset would have helped much in terms of resolving our previous situation. What I wanted you simply weren't going to give me at a price I could stomach anymore." The teenager clears his throat, then, “Though truthfully, speaking with a little hindsight here, I’m also guessing that what happened earlier – not just the eventual spanking, but the fight you and I had about everything before it as well as the week leading up to my leaving was basically you all just trying to drive me insane in order to get me to finally blow up or restart my waterworks or something?”

Kanan shrugs a little, "You desperately needed it, Ezra. You were so emotionally repressed - so defensively closed off to listening to anyone but yourself because of your fear and grief that it was literally destroying every effort that the rest of us made to try and help you cope. And nothing else was actually working, Ezra. Believe me, Kid, I tried, at least a dozen different ways. ”

"No, I get that." Ezra allows, shifting awkwardly again. "It’s all ultimately good for the soul, Kanan, if admittedly also kind of rough on the dignity."

"Not to mention on the gluteus maximus." Kanan adds in then himself, speakingvery very dryly.

Ezra shoots him a glare. "Kanan, right now with those kind of jokes, you are not even remotely close to funny.'

Kanan snorts aloud. "On the contrary, Ezra...I'm kriffing hilarious. " He informs the younger man. "You're just mad to be made the literal butt of the joke at the moment."

Ezra groans aloud at his master's repeated use of the pun. "You are awful, Kanan." he informs the older Jedi after a moment. Then he reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose hard, sighing deeply. "And kriff I am so tired right now. This headache is absolutely slaughtering me. I would seriously kill for about four fingers worth of whiskey at present."

Kanan's scowl is fierce in reply to that particular statement. "Yeah well, you're not getting any, Kid. So don't even think about it. You are drying out, Ezra - excepting prescription meds. And when I say dry I do mean dry, Kid. Completely. We will rediscuss the subject again when you actually hit you next physical majority *if* you can actually stay clean until then. Thoug yes, just for the record, Ezra, I will be making occasional exceptions to that rule for religious toasts to the dead or very specific emergency medical situations."

Ezra lips twist up at that announcement, clearly unhappy. "Kanan, like I already told Hera when I first came back aboard: I don’t actually drink alcohol on any kind of a regular basis. For one thing, I kriffing loath the taste! Though okay, yes - last week I will acknowledge that there were a few times that I was particularly tempted by the idea because of how much you all seemed to be constantly baiting me. It's not…it’s not an addiction, though, Master. I don't regularly crave it. In fact as a rule I only drink at all in times of ultimate need. Like, say for example when my brain is literally trying to kill me like it actively is at present.”

Kanan narrows his eyes at him, unimpressed. "Kid you just told me a moment ago yourself that you went through a full bottle of Whiskey in a little under *two days.* That the hangover might have easily killed you. That does not strike me as a minor problem, okay? Frankly Ezra, I’m surprised after that initial bout of stupidity your liver didn’t literally try and crawl out of your body and join the Ghost crew all on its own. You are absolutely *cut off* from any mood-altering substances that I don't give you myself, Ezra, do you understand me!? At least until I’m reasonably sure that you are completely and truly past this most recent round of ridiculously self-destructive behavior!”

"Yes Master, I hear you." Ezra sighs again very softly. “Though for the record, Kanan, I still think that you’re probably massively over-reacting in terms of seeing problems that aren't problems."

“Yeah well after the last couple of weeks, Ezra, I am more than entitled to it.”

There’s a brief pause then, and then a tired sigh. “Yeah, I suppose I can’t argue with you there. Well okay I could but 1) it wouldn’t help If I did at this point and 2) I’m not going to even bother because it’s starting to get unbearably cold out here and on top of that I think I’m hungry. Not to mention, like I just said my head is trying to murder me at present.”

Kanan huffs sympathetically, “Have you got an actual migraine this time around or is just a normal headache, Kid?” 

“The former, I'm pretty sure. I tend to get them after a long hard bout of crying like the one I've just had. Or when I'm particularly dehydrated or my body doesn't agree with something that I've eaten.”

“Well then I guess that it’s a good thing that Hera packed plenty of food and fluids for us, Ezra before I left The Ghost. And that I currently have both Amalyn and Morphine ampules packed on the chance that either or both would be needed.”

Ezra raises an eyebrow at that. “I thought you just said that I wasn't allowed any more mood-altering chemicals from here on out, Kanan?”

The older man shakes his head. “No...I said no meds that aren’t prescriptions, Ezra. And none that I can't literally feel how badly you need just straight down our kriffing link. Your shields are still pretty permeable at the moment, Ezram even as hard as I know that you're trying.”

Ezra nods, and then he sighs again, pausing for a moment or two to close his eyes and try and fix that as best as he can, before he opens them again and rapidly changes the subject. “When does Hera not pack us far too much to eat, Kanan? I mean this is her that we’re talking about, right! The habit's all but compulsive. I swear to Force that staring my first year aboard...back before the initial divergence I mean, I spent almost year and a half fighting off various nutritional shakes and awful tasting booster products she kept bringing homr. The experience was permanently traumatizing! Also Master - I do not like nor easily stomach immune boosting teas of almost any type or kind. So please do not let her waste her money buying that kriff in the markets. Three of the last four things she tried to force me to take for a couple weeks actually eventually made me vomit. I might be a loth-rat yes, but I actually have a pain in the ass of a sensitive stomach thanks to being a former Preemie.”

"You were born premature?"

"My mom was badly preeclamsic..so yes by almost nine weeks. It's also why though my folks liked kids just fine I never had any other siblings."

Kanan nods at that rush of words, filing them away for further consideration, a little overwhelmed by the glut of information. Ezra's stages of sharing were either drought stage or flood stage apparently. At least for now. He settles on respondimg to the last warning directly. "If Hera truly finds your present state of health offensive, then there's really nothing that I can do for you at this point, Ezrs short of giving you two pieces of good advice. Whether you actually heed them or not is entirely up to you... 

Ezra side eyes him, "Those pieces being....?"

"Take whatever 'gift' you’re given without complaint unless it actually makes you sick, Ezra. And tell her outright when it does... Sabine has a couple of allergies too, so she's familiar with the general concept. Eat meals on your own or clear your plate in her presence to avoid any unwanted fussing." Kanan takes a moment to look the kid up and down then, mentally guessing his actual weight now that he has some real frame of reference, and quickly calculating Ezra's current BMI. The resulting number makes him actively wince. "Also, as soon as humanly possible Ezra, it probably best that you find something that you do like to eat that’s reasonably healthy and roughly the size of a Purgil, put your ass in a chair and just get started eating."

Ezra blinks at him a minute, his nose wrinkling. "Seriously? That’s the best that you can do for me, Master?”

"It's the first rule of any long running conflict. You only win if you learn to pick your battles, Kid. The same applies in this situation to insistant overprotective twilek. Resist Hera hard enough ...especially when she's got legitimate reason to worry and you might get stuck on one of Captain Terrible's karkimg food plans. It isn’t worth the suffering that will inevitably bring you, Ezra *believe me.*"

"You sound like this is a matter of some past personal experience." Ezra observes then, his lips twitching up a little at his Master's very emphatic personal warning 

"Jedi healing doesn't heal everything instantly" Kanan informs the younger man, with a shudder of previous memory “I’ve been injured myself more than just a time or two on particularly dangerous jobs and lost some serious weight when recuperating too.

"And?" Ezra sounds almost amused as he voices the question.

"And if you don't heal to Hera's satisfaction within what she deems an acceptable amount of time then the woman is both ruthless and ultimately completely unavoidable. Considered yourself warned in advance and just take any needed precautions..."

"Yes Master. As you say, Master." Ezra immediately replies, before shivering once, hard, as the wind starts to pick up. "It's getting cold out here kid. Think it's time we both get inside." "Yes Master, as you say master," Ezra immediately replies as he scrabbles out of Kanan's hold, rising up to his feet and them bowing deeply once ... only half in jest, before hurrying first to the foot of the Phantom's open ramp then moments later, disappearing inside.


	12. Confronting Reality (Updated and Expanded)

There are three things which Kanan realizes about his Padawan (And Force, Padawan, it’s *official* now – which is both amazing and terrifying!) within less than half an hour of the teenager waking up beside him in the Phantom the following morning...

1) Ezra, unless he's had literal lakes full of caff first, is not even remotely what one would call a 'happy shiny morning person.' Pretty much the exact opposite in fact.

2) The teenager, once he's finally unhindered by the need to keep up any kind of a guise of any kind in his companion's presence, talks to himself - as well as most of the inanimate objects around him, almost as much as he does to actual people in the spaces her inhabits. 

And 3) whether Ezra’s actually fully conscious of it right now or not, his Padawan is obviously, inherently and massively skin hungry right noe. As in literally starving for physical contact to a degree that’s more than a little painful for him to look at if Kanan is correctly reading the body language of the younger empath.

'He needs a hug right now. Or possibly several dozen. The kids unsettled in his skin right now and doing such a poor job concealing it as compared to how well he'd managed it earlier that Kanan’s seriously starting to wonder if someone - Hera? Chopper? Kriff, even just Kanan himself, if the kid is actually willing to let him - ought to just spend the next couple of days cuddling the proverbial stuffing out of the poor kid, the way he's essentially doing it to himself at present. Because Ezra is unconsciously hugging himself whenever he’s not actively doing something else with his hands right now, relaxing all the way - at least as far as his master can see the few times that Kanan had reached out a hand to instinctively squeeze him on his shoulder or passed him in the hallway with a smile and absently reached out to miss the dark mop of hair with one of his hands. 

To say nothing of Ezra’s behavior since their fight yesterday evening, which has been muzzy and tired. Not to mention sadly uncertain by the looks of him how to proceed. Because no - Kanan definitely hasn’t missed the way that the teenager's been hovering at the edge of 'close but not too close' to the older Jedi’s personal space ever since they both first woke up this morning, as Kanan's wandered around the shuttle completing the ship’s standard morning diagnostics. Ezra's clearly out of his element right now, and all but drifting essentially.

It's a little bit like suddenly finding a puppy,' Kanan can't help but think a little wryly, once he finally confirms that yes, Chopper has taken the other vehicle back to the city within the last six or so hours in order to dump it somewhere easy to find and then rendezvous with the rest of the Ghost Crew for the trip back. Or maybe more precisely , it's like having a still half feral tooka as a new roomate, who hasn't figure out yet that it essentially owns you, and thus deserves to be petted pretty much on demand - yet. 'And so it settles on following you from room to room like a fakely disinterested stalker, getting close but not too close...and not wanting to potentially get kicked... trying to live vicariously off of the dregs of its dimwitted people's affections.

Kanan only wishes at the moment that he had enough personal information on Ezra’s own private backstory to know for certain whether the Kid has always secretly been this way about craving touch and just usually hides it better, used to be this ways about it, got bettered and has now relapsed or if this is all just now his intense but temporary reaction to their shattered bond’s clearly long overdue reforging. The older Jedi figures that the odds for any of the three are all equal at the moment.

Kanan rather unsurprisingly under the current circumstances, had also found it all but impossible to sleep in the earliest hours of the morning, even after Ezra finally did so, thanks to a heady combination of both mental and physical exhaustion as well as badly needed morphine. Kanan, for his own part had spent a couple hours meditating while Ezra rested instead – methodically reviewing his memories of the last few weeks day with freshly available information. Which had been incredibly helpful in him understanding the actual situation.)

He kind of wants to kick himself, if he's honest about it, concerning how dense he'd been about noticing or interpreting some things. Hindsight as it turns out can be both enlightening and almost depressingly frustrating.

Because with the benefit of a broader scope of knowledge, Kanan's pretty much sure at this point, that Ezra's own subconscious mind has been reaching out for Kanan's repeatedly since the ship had first come on plant.. which also explained the larger the normal amounts of restlessness and urge to get in with it already that he'd felt during that initial round of pre-mission planning. Because yes, Kanan had wondered more than once about his repeated urge to simply go off on a seemingly random walkabout in the days before the original snatch and grab, despite his equally vague sense at the time of what it was he should actually be seeking. He and Ezra's lnk, even as weak as it had been at that point in time had still been actively tugging at him to rouse from his slumber, to sense something had in fact actually changed, to pay more kriffing attention.

He hadn't understood though, we'll at least not in the way he really should have, until well after Ezra literally plummeted down into their lives from all but directly above them.

Though yes he'd eventually gotten the bigger message more clearly, right about the same time that Ezra had gotten himself and his cargo up and onto the ship, but after that the stubborn little banthashit had started actively hiding- fighting back his own mind as it reached out toward his former master's in order to try and protect Kanan from any possible psychic spillover damage... And when he has too Ezra Bridger's really really GOOD at hiding. Which truthfully, even as much as it pisses Kanan off to have to think about it, also explains a kark of a lot about Ezra's sheer depth of acute psychic damage by the time that Kanan had eventually broken down spent a few hours meditating and then ultimately tracked down the prodigal teenager, dragging him out to breakfast in the market.

Where they'd finally had something close to their first real conversation, as well as a brief and highly unpleasant first physical contact. Because Ezra actively touching Kanan - or vice versa in that case, while the younger Jedi had also been actively blocking their minds from contact as well had clearly *pissed off* Ezra's half of their formerly shattered psi link.

Kanan really should have thought to ask earlier on why Ezra only seemed to hurt when it was Kanan and not the others as well trying touching him. At least until Kanan had started giving him regular injections of Analysis.

And after that point? Well on the bright side as far as the older Jedi can tell the Amalyn that Kanan had been giving to Ezra in order to heal the already existing psychic damage had then started to act as both an ally and enabler to the kid. The Asylum had dimmed down the constant screaming from the bond that Ezra had been initially coping with. To the degree at least that it was at least vaguely tolerable, so ezra could finally eat and sleep, and finally heal from the original link snap between him other Kanan, in minute, uphill, ongoing increments.

Because after all ...Kanan had been right there the entire karking time... so new damage from resisting the pull to repair the break had to have been both constant and on going, especially once they'd located what Kanan had assumed at the time was the kid's peak dosage and started to tittering down his meds again, slowing both Ezra's rate of healing and the help that the neuro inhibitor had provided Ezra in dealing with the pain just in general. No wonder the kid's temper had frayed so rapidly right near the end.

'He was coping with both more physical and more emotional pressure... the latter which he was never going to admit to if it meant he needed more time on the medication. He just thought he could ride it out and it'd eventually lessen after we parted ways instead.' Which explains the kid’s exhaustion right now, both physically and mentally, as well as Ezra's current propensity right now for pain anytime that he overextends himself either physically or psychically. The kid's mental landscape is still a tapestry of only partially healed wounds right now. And on top of that emotionally, the kid's a gigantic karking mess.

No wonder the Ezra's been so volatile, no wonder he's been coping so poorly. He only just stopped injuring himself deliberately within in the past twelve hours or so, and now he needs time to actually heal, without the constant pain, spikes and drops of adrenaline and new psychic injuries.

All that acknowledged, Ezra’s body language right now is not exactly surprising... but it is still deeply troubling to Kanan. Because the kid clearly needs some comfort right now but the two of them also still have some issues to work through before Ezra's willing to take any from his Mastet pretty clearly. After all, from most of what Kanan has read over the years in his various psychology classes on the subjects, there generally isn't a sentient child in the entirety of the galaxy who isn't born wired to reach out their parents for either physical or emotional reassurance when they are feeling overwhelmed or threatened by their current circumstances. Not unless they have been very deliberately and often cruelly train out of the habit. Or otherwise believe they'be got to further right to such protection. 

Which brings him right back to the current kidded up dynamic that's now between Ezra and him.

Because after all, unless Kanan is misunderstanding the teenager's earlier explanations...and he doesn't't think that he has, then Ezra has just essentially spent the past four years on board The Ghost with him, Hera and the rest of OtherSpecters, for lack of any better way to describe it. Which means that he and Hera must have functioned, in the other time stream at least, as the younger Jedi's all but adoptive parents- whose roles would have included the regular provision of things like comfort and encouragement when it was needed, provided of course that Ezra had ever accepted that that option was available to him. All which leads Kanan back to the Ezra who is currently standing in front of him. To the fourteen (sort of) year old boy who's currently hugging self instinctively. While simultaneously making no effort to ask his master for anything at all since they both woke up but the current locations of both Chopper and breakfast. Who's clearly happy to see Kanan, to speak with him, and yet simultaneously seems all but afraid to actually try to physically touch Kanan. Because he either doesn't' want to be touched right now or doesn't know how his own reaching out might be received.

Especially not in the wake of Kanan giving the kid what he had thought at the time to.be a necessary, and wickedly hard spanking. 

After all, last night Kanan hadn't exactly gone gentle: far more intent at the time on ending what had amounted by that stage to his padawan's near hysterical grief fueled tantrum and finally winning the now dangerous battle of wills that had been building between them. 

As a result, Kanan'd taken of the metaphorical gloves. He'd literally whaled the tar out of the poor kid's butt... half out of grim desperation, half out of instinctive knowledge neither of them could handle another round unscathed of this kind of conflict. They simply couldn't. Not the way Ezra's recklessness and Kanan's temper had both been escalating. So Kanan had spanked him...had gotten out Ezra's pain the only way that was left. Wishing all the while as he did so that he'd been able to come up with a more effective option. Completely unaware all the while of the deeper irony concerning their whole situation. After all, it all too likely that the last time Ezra Bridger had been hugged - to say nothing of any less affectionate sort of touch - by a man with the name Kanan Jarrus it had almost certainly been either on the day of or days just before OtherKanan's ultimate death. Not exactly the kindest or most healing of reunions. 

And yes Kanan supposes it's also fair to acknowledge, that Ezra hadn't attempted to pull away from Kanan's grip in the comforting hug that had followed...at least aftermath of his bigger revelation, until Kanan had finally noticed the you get Jedi's shivering and literally ordered him back to the phantom Phantom. Still, for all the that Ezra's stayed within arms reach of his master ever since they both retired to the interior and Kanan closed the boarding ramp, locking them safely inside, Ezra also hasn't even once attempted to touch or be touched by Kanan in the long hours since. Instead, the teenager has just stood there for hours now, aggressively self-comforting, miserable and exhausted and probably desperately in need of human contact but also utterly silent in terms of acknowledging any of the above to the master standing right in front of him. And Kanan, who finally has the kid for real -right along with a nice new, twitchy-as-hell training-link, is bitterly aware in the rising light of mid morning that he currently has no clue at all how to properly respond to the entire situationq.

‘If your kid doesn't hug you when he looks like he actually needs it in the aftermath of a conflict like we had yesterday night,' he wonders more than a little ironically, 'Should you then just...I Don't know...hug your kid instead?' Or should Kanan at least start by asking Ezra if a hug would be welcome right now? What if he does ask just that and Ezra straight up lies to him in response, out of fear, or lingering awkwardness or even embarrassment? Because yes, for now at least Kanan will be able to sense if that's actually happening until they both relearn how to better shield their link? What the kriff is Kanan supposed to do in that karking situation? Call Ezra out if he lies? Reassure him that he doesn't have to worry... Kanan's not that easily offended if he's still not a natural hugger? Force right now is the older Jedi just completely over thinking all of this? Is everything now going to feel this persistently hopelessly complicated? 

Because seriously, Kanan has only been a master now for maybe twelve or so hours, and he's already realized that he literally doesn't even know how to go about properly hugging his Passion even when Ezra looks like he might need reassurance unless he's literally crying because Kanan just actively finished spanking him. And Sith Spit, if this is parenthood than clearly Kanan's nothing short of awful at it.

"You can breathe again now, you know." Ezra mutters from a few yards away from him. The teenager's voice is still a little early morning raspy at this point but his tone also holds more than a little bemusement. Kanan jerks his head up to stare at him. “Huh?”

“You. Can. Breathe. Now.” Ezra repeats the words very slowly. His Padawan’s still hugging himself, most definitely, but Ezra's posture is also slowly loosening up by degrees as he stands there studying his master, and yes, Kanan realizes, that's definitely amusement right now that's coming down through Ezra’s end of their link. 

"Huh?" He repeats the sound one more time, lost to the whole conversation, at least at present. He's just relieved that the kid's attempting any actual conversation at the moment.

Ezra's eyes twinkle again, even as the younger man stoops up to pick up the remains of his drink from the floor. "It’s nothing, really. It’s just...well I *know* that particular expression. Kanan Jarrus: look seventy-three. Panic Variant. Also known as ‘Oh kark oh kark, I just let Chopper push Ezra off of the top of The Ghost at over 10000 feet and now he's falling - probably to his literal death!!'" Ezra smiles then, just a little, "And yeah, I know that things are kind of weird right now - for both of us quite truthfully, Master. Still, I really don't think the current situation really merits quite that overall level of panic."

"I let Chopper do what?!" Kanan gapes at him, speechlessly.

"Well it wasn't exactly deliberate, at the particular time, Kanan. I was distracted by other things when it actually happened, even though I really ought to have known better when we were actively practicing. And to be completely fair you did catch me and get me back up and onto the ship again well before gravity got the chance to make a pancake out of me. We both screwed up, so, we'll, bygones I guess." 

And then Ezra Bridger karking grins, in apparent recollection of this fond little memory. "I'm just…well I’m just trying to let you know that whatever's got you tied up in knots right now - it's probably not as bad as you're assuming. I mean seriously Kanan, it's all good....I'm already too damn used to being entertainingly mangled by life at this point in my own to be half as breakable as you're probably assuming I am. Case in point? That day I just mentioned? Was actually the start of pretty good week for us; in which we both met the Grand Inquisitor, nearly died jointly fleeing from his presence and ultimately? Basically broke breaded and bonded over the entire experience. Was it chaotic? Yes. Crazy? Yes. But it was something we both survived and then, thankfully, learned from. Hence nothing to really worry about in the grander scheme of things."

"We encountered someone called the Grande Inquisitor." Kanan says just a little bit blankly. “shortly after I let Chopper send you literally plummeting to your death?”

"Yup. For the first of several times we had to deal with him more truthfully, though hopefully we can probably skip over most of that drama this time around, if you’re just willing to bypass a pretty obvious wild goose chase initially. Though Mr ‘Let Me Torture You With The Truth,’ will almost certainly come to Lothal eventually, so we can't realistically put off those particular introductions indefinitely. Well unless you want to pass on a major trove of classified information I mean ..and probably let at least one innocent civilian die really, really horribly."

Kanan blinks for a moment in response to this long string of flowing words, his expression growing more and more incredulous with each passing second. "Mr let me torture you with the truth?" He then repeats back a little blankly.

Ezra pauses then studying Kanan, and then he waves an awkward hand in older Jedi's general direction, "And you know what, come to think of it, I'm actually probably better off stopping right there...with this entire conversation. Because it doesn't look like it' reassuring you in quite the way that I was hoping that it would. You just ...well... you kind of looked like you were having a moment there Master when I first spoke up, and I guess, well, I just wanted to help if I could."

Ezra had wanted to 'help him.' *Kanan Jarrus* had looked like he was having a hard time right now, and so his Padawan had thus attempted to ‘help him.' With earnest stories of fighting off Grande Inquisitors together and being knocked off of ships in the lower atmosphere during he and Other-Kanan's training. Because this is apparently 'comforting' in the teenager’s eyes.

And Karabast yes, Kanan is completely over his head right now in kriffing all of this.

"So...what did have your undergarments all twisted up if I'm allowed to ask?" Ezra inquires after a moment, taking another slow sip of his drink. "Because not to be nosy...but now I'm stuck wondering, about the issue I mean…and vague instead of specific panic is probably going to bug me, I think…"

"...You looked like you might need a hug, Ezra." Kanan finally spits out the words just a little bit gruffly. Because after the last few sentences his previous mental crisis now just seems ridiculous. "You have ever since you first got up this morning, but you haven't actually said anything about it, and I wasn’t sure whether I should offer you one, not under the current circumstances."

Ezra raises a brow at that admission, "Uhm sure…I mean I don't generally mind hugs if they’re currently offer...especially if that's your thing suddenly at the moment. Uhm, frequent casual displays of affection weren’t really in your otherselves' back in my originating time stream previously, Kanan. But then again now that I actually think about, I wasn't exactly what you'd call a 'big hugger' myself initially. So maybe I'm wrong and other you was huggier than I realized but the two of us just sort of fell into an unconscious pattern. Though," The teenager raises an eyebrow, "I also have to admit that I’m not exactly sure what ‘under the current circumstances' is actually supposed to mean in thisparticular context."

"...Ezra." Kanan says the name very slowly and patiently, as if he's about to explain the obvious to a very small or very slow child who has somehow failed to grasp what should have been obvious at this point. "I have touched you or *tried* to touch you precisely four times now since the two of us first met. Well, outside during medical treatment anyway, and you were not what I would call particularly welcoming of or receptive to any of it. The first time - just after we'd rescued the Wookies, Ezra I tried to reach out and lay a hand on your shoulder, just as a gesture of solidarity and thanks for your help. And in return? You skittered backward away from me like a fur rumpled loth-cat. The second time was when I took you out for breakfast when I caught up to you in the market that morning. You nearly ended up passing out at that point when I impulsively reached out and flicked you on your forehead because, well..."

"...Unresolved, seriously pissed off broken training link."

"Yes." Kanan, pauses then for another moment or so, speaking up again only after shaking his head for moment, as if he's literally clearing it of cobwebs, "The third time, at least as far as I remember it anyway, was at the end of our fight yesterday evening, when I not only tossed you around like a sack of karking grain while insulting you and your ‘master’ repeatedly, I pinned you to the ground after that and pounded on your ass so hard you were literally sobbing. After which Ezra, you still *miraculously* decided to let me hold and try and comfort you anyway. Which I am currently calling contact four at the moment. That's it, unless I'm somehow forgetting something?"

Kanan raises his brows at the teenager as he asks the question. Ezra considers then requested input and then shrugs noncommitally, "There were probably a few casual pats and stuff in there along the way that you’re forgetting, but yeah. I still don’t understand what that has to do with right now with anythings, Kanan..."

"Ezra!" Now Kanan's voice is more than a little bit exasperated. " Are you really all that surprised after I just mentioned all of that, that I might be worried right now about whether or not you may be in need of a little bit of comfort?"

"I guess not." Ezra mutters, his face beginning to subtly redden.

Kanan just presses on, "And do you also understand why I might be a little bit concerned at this point whether or not I might be the last kriffing person on the planet right now that you'd actually want to *go to* for said comfort?"

Ezra face is now a bright, beet red. "Yeah no, I get it. And look, Kanan, I'm really, really sorry. The thing with the Wookies initially wasn’t meant as an insult or anything - I wasn't trying to act like an asshole, I just...well I wasn't coping very well at that point with the ongoing situation, and you touching me again would have only..." Ezra shrugs, then abrupt shifts the topic again. "Look, what happened in the Cafe wasn't really either of our faults either, Master. We didn't know what was going to happen when you touched me. As for our fight last night and…and the inevitable aftermath. Look, at this point I'm just basically calling bygones in regard to the whole karking thing. I mean yeah you provoked the fight deliberately sure, but Kanan, I knew that. I knew you were baiting me, even knew why, at least to some level or extent. But even so, I still threw the first karking swing."

The teenager lifts his eyes from his drink then, where they'd fallen as soon as his face had started to redden. His expression is earnest, more than a little bit embarrassed even as he continues to speak. "Look the truth of the matter is that I have no interest in holding grudges or anything like them at this point in my life, Kanan. If only because they're way too exhausting on top of everything else that I’m currently trying to keep track of to even be remotely worth the ongoing effort. Especially when at the moment it literally hurts to even sit down for more than a couple of minutes at a time and and on top of my head's still a kriffing mess even without the constant throb anymore from the previous damage to the training link. I just ...I just don't have the energy required to stay angry at present..."

"Ezra..." Kanan begins, but the teenager only continues to babble, growing closer and closer to outright verbal flood now that he's finally uncorked the proverbial bottle, has finally given himself permission to actually admit to such things.

"I mean the Temple's trials are already going to be hard enough to deal just on their own at this point, Kanan. Even without trying to also deal with the fact that I'm now back to fighting off sudden random bursts of crying like I was when I first arrived in this time stream without me deliberately trying to carry around more useless angry banthashit. Look, I know…I *know* that the past few days especially have just been bad for both of us, okay, but If you ever want to hug me then just ask. I can't always promise you that I'll actually be in the mood, but you're also not going to somehow piss me off just by inquiring I promise…"

"May I hug you?" Kanan finally cuts in, bluntly interrupting the increasingly erratic stream of words.

Ezra's nod is accompanied by an emphatically stated "*Yes.*" 

Then Kanan is finally doing just that: larger arms reach out to wrap around the smaller form tightly, pulling him forward and into a welcoming embrace. And Ezra? Outright whimpers in relief at the contact, his eyes sliding involuntarily shut in reaction even as his head drops forward to rest for the moment against the older man's sternum.

"I just don't get it." Ezra grumbles after a couple more long seconds of just clinging on to his master, "I mean I thought that you knowing...that the link finally being back in place would set everything to right again, Kanan. Not leave me feeling as twitchy as an injured loth-wolf with an unguarded den right in the middle of welping season! I mean this morning I literally teared up when I *dropped the karking toothpaste* on the floor of the fresher. I'm getting pissed off at stuff like the flavor of my damn fruit drink. Everything’s just so kriffing *raw* right now and..."

"I get it, Ezra, I get it." Kanan interrupts him softly, “It’s similar, if not quite channeled the same way right now when it's coming from my own end.” 

Then Kanan is stepping backward with the kid still firmly in his grip, bumping into the fold-down seating where he carefully plop down on one of the folding benches and then gently coaxes the kid down along with him as well, Ezra essentially straddling Kanan legs for the moment in a way that allows the teenager to tuck in close without further aggravating his already sore places. The hug that results is a little awkward at first, maybe but not too bad, Ezra's face ends up buried between Kanan neck and his collarbone, his thin arms linking behind Kanan's back. The dark haired boy shudders hard, his whole body trembling as his breath audibly hitches. "I am not going to cry now." He mutters into the silent air more than a little rebelliously. “I am not a kriffing kid or whiny karking baby.”

"It's okay if you need to, at the moment, Ezra." Kanan informs him very, very gently. "Look, Kid - psychic bonds are tough things. Yeah they have some wonderful advantages, in terms of teaching and for things like allowing easier communication, but they can also be incredibly complex and finicky even on their very best of days, and you...." Kanan's arms tighten briefly around the smaller form again. "Ezra you just survived a literal hell on earth all right? It's normal under the circumstance that you're seriously feeling it. Look, I know that this is probably a piss poor analogy in a lot of ways - talking about psychic phenomenon can be hard to adequately describe in most cases, but from a certain perspective what just happened to your mind - to your karking soul, Ezra, was the psychic equivalent of somebody essentially ripping off one of your limbs. After that it was essentially left completely untreated for almost two months from what I've been able to sense, before finally treating it scattershot with rubbing alcohol, codeine and a couple of mostly sterile bandages.” Kanan’s hand comes up then to cup the back of Ezra’s head a little protectively, “And just as that psychic 'stump' finally started to heal and maybe hurt a little less thanks to the Amalyn, someone drug you unexpectedly back into surgery Ezra, and they grafted on a new karking limb."

The teenager chokes out a laugh in response to that analogy before his entire body starts literally shaking. "I will not cry,” he repeats again. “It makes me feel like a brainless idiot. Not to mention that it doesn’t in the history of ever actually fix anything.”

And Force but the sheer stubbornness of this Kid at the moment. Kanan sighs heavily - considering all his options thoughtfully before he shifts his right hand just enough to find a bit of exposed flesh on his Padawan's right forearm and pinch at the same time that he buries his nose in the kid's dark hair, and literally swamps the bond with a mini-tsunami of affection. 

Kanan's pretty sure that Ezra doesn't consciously make the connection between the unexpected sting of pain and the sudden larger flood of psychic and physical comfort, but the effect of the act is immediate. The tears in Ezra’s wet eyes flow over, helplessly, and there's no hope - or point at all of holding them back once they've actually started to fall. At least as far as Ezra seems to be concerned at the moment. Another ragged breath woofs out of the kid's chest, shaky and tremulous as wet eyes abruptly spill over and then once again the teenager is weeping.

Kanan rocks him silently for several long minutes before finally speaking up. "I'm sorry, Kid" He murmurs at last to the still keening teenager, "That I'm the source of any of your pain at the moment. If I could find a way to do so, I'd remove it all from your shoulders entirely."

Ezra's arms tighten around him convulsively. "It's not your fault either, Master." He gets out with a little hiccup after another moment. “You’re not any more responsible that I am for any of what's happening.”

"Not even for your sore rear end, Kid?" Kanan asks the question more than a little bit wryly. He's basically messing with the Ezra's head right now, trying to provide him with a little distraction away from the much larger grief that's currently got it's claws in him. But Kanan does feel like they need to talk about this at least one in a serious manner. Because the older Jedi does know that he owes Ezra an apology for his actions last night, if maybe not for the the reasons he'd taken them. 

Ezra meanwhile, just thumps Kanan's torso with both of his fists twice. "Bygones, Asshole, as I already told you. Also, you big jerk you just kriffing pinched me!"

Kanan sighs very softly, but still nods his head in admission. "Yeah. Yeah, kid, I did. You've already got way, way too much pain in the head of yours to hope to carry it around safely. Anytime that I can manage to get some of it out and into the air instead I'm going to do so, if I only have to play a little bit dirty to do so. Because at least once it's out it loses most of the power it has to hurt you."

Ezra thumps his chest one more time, "Oversized Asshole of A Jedi Shaped Bully."

Kanan just chuckles in reply to that. "Guilty as charged," He admits. "At least when I'm dealing with fourteen-year-old time travelers masquerading as Loth-rats who don’t seem to know when to get their karking asses home in an actual crisis."

Ezra laughs between his sobs at the comment. The teenager’s tears are finally slowing down, albeit gradually. Eventually, Ezra pulls back just far enough to wipe he face with the edge of his shirt sleeve. “Force, but I karking hate crying, Kanan. It makes me both look and feel like I'm literally five years old again."

"Which you probably still pull off better than most of us do Ezra, with that baby face of yours, I mean." Kanan teases him gently, cuffing the back of the kid's still slumped forward head one more time then smoothing the hair atop his head before speaking on more time. "You've got more call than most of us right now for the occasional bout of weeping. And let me tell you, Kid, that stuff is a whole lot better vented than left stuck inside your skull like some kind of pissed off, trapped tooka that’s ripping the hell out of your mental upholstery in retaliation."

Ezra snorts with laughter at that, his hand swiping over his eyes again. "Jarrus," He volleys back, "Do I look like the kind of person who currently has or has ever had upholstery? Honestly, I sleep on a bench with a bunch of old blankets."

"It's *Kanan,* Ezra. Or Master. Whichever you prefer at the moment is fine. Enough with this continual 'Jarrus' kriff... I already know that you have only ever used it as an an ongoing attempt at distancing."

Ezra shrugs, "Less just that then...well...some way to maintain some level of separation between the two of you, Kanan. Because if I'm not really careful about the names and pronouns and yous vs thems, Master then things in my head can start to get really, really muddled. In a way that sort of defies easy explanation. I mean you're 'him,' yes Kanan, but you're also not him at the exact same time...And I'm not really me back when I was this age the first time around, but I still remember all of this me's history and memories...so it's not like I'm really losing anything, not exactly, instead it’s more like there's a four-year gap of extra living in there now, that no one remembers but me anymore. The life that me and The OtherSpecters lived together. That I'll maybe sort of live again with all of you, or it could all end up unfolding completely different. Because after all, it's all going to depend both on big choices that people make and a bunch of little tiny things that have these huge unexpected consequences even when you don't really expect them to.” Ezra snorts very softly to himself. “I try not to think about it all that often if I can possibly help it."

Kanan thinks about all of that for a moment: about the complexity of the parallel lives that Ezra is constantly trying to balance, and then he just sighs and cuddles the teenager in closer - letting the boy's smaller head work as a headrest for his own chin. It's no wonder that the kid is feeling so skin hungry right now, he realizes after a couple seconds of silent contemplation. The entire world has to seem constantly disorienting to Ezra at the moment, and touch when the Kid can manage to get some, at least roots Ezra firmly within in his body, centers his Padawan in the now, for lack of a better way of putting it.

And as it turns out, that same centering effect that he's just noted, probably doubles or triples when Kanan's the one making the contact with Ezra. Because on top of everything else the kid is dealing with right now, their remade bond is still essentially settling and rooting back in. 

Ezra's mind, in particular, keeps poking at the area where the bond lays between the two of them almost obsessively. Which is is probably the psychic equivalent of repeatedly poking at the same area of bruising, Kanan guesses. It’s constantly uncomfortable for him to do so but also something that his Padawan can't consciously stop because it amounts to an ongoing traumatic compulsion.

When he and Ezra touch each other right now, though, it makes Kanan's mind easier for the younger man to sense, allowing the same kind of check in on the bond without the need to poke the bruise, which is still pretty sensitive at the moment. Kanan realizes all of this in the space of one moment, and then feels a little chagrined that he hadn't made the connection before now. Because honestly this is an issue that has a *ridiculously* easy fix.

Relaxing consciously, Kanan draws in a deep breath and gradually but deliberately thins his own shielding around his end of their link. The effect doesn't actually leave him vulnerable to anything right now but more of Ezra's specific mental ‘background chatter,' but the effect that the change has on the teenager in his lap is still hugely gratifying. Ezra blinks, clearly surprised, but then just seems to psychically lean into the effect, in the same visceral sort of way that a normal child might findcomfort in resting their head against a parent's chest when they're feeling lonely in order to soak up the constant sound of a reassuring heartbeat

"Better?" Kanan finally asks the question softly.

"Yeah." Ezra nods, "Though I can't say for sure what it is that you even just did, Kanan." 

Kanan squeezes him a little tighter, "Nothing major, I just, well, made it easier for your subconscious mind to find and track me right now essentially. Which will hurt less for you at the moment. Your mind's still constantly picking at the trauma sight over and over, just like it was before you started the Amalyn...and it tends to slow the healing of the psychic bruising when you do that sort of thing. " 

Ezra groans softly, "I swear that I'm not *trying* to do anything right now, Kanan." 

"I know that Ezra. It was just an observation for the moment, not something that I meant as to be taken as any kind of actual criticism. Though I am starting to think, that before either of us try and enter that temple you definitely need another full round of Amalyn infusions."

Ezra blinks "Uh...why before instead of just afterward, Kanan?"

"Besides the obvious fact that temple trials are generally a tremendous mental and emotional stretch, Ezra and you're still literally and figuratively exhausted at the moment?" 

Ezra sighs deeply, "I'm fine, Master...or I will be soon enough anyway. You worry too much, Kanan..." 

The older Jedi gently cuts the sentence off before Ezra can say anything more on the subject, "That is another lie that you need to stop telling on rote, Kid - both to yourself as well as to me. You are *not* fine, Ezra. You are freaked the kark out and emotionally as vulnerable as kriff at the moment. Which I only made worse last night, albeit with basically noble intentions. I was completely focused when I first caught up with you again on getting you to face up to and release some of the overwhelming pain that I could sense even through the best of your shielding, because I was afraid at the time that it was going to end up genuinely killing you if you didn't. The truth of the matter though, is that I didn't have all of the background information that I really needed to understand the cause of said pain when I did so Ezra, and on top of that I was seriously pissed off and agitated. And then on top of that you just happened to smash down hard right atop one of my current biggest triggers... Which yes, definitely messed up my ability to remain completely objective. It still hurt you either way no matter the causes of my actions at the time and I'm really sorry as I've already said about the way that the truth coming finally happened."

"Yeah about that, Kanan, "Ezra sounds more than a little wryly guilty himself. "I was actually thinking about that myself this morning after I first woke up, while I was meditating, and Kanan, I'm pretty sure that I also owe you a massive apology as well. It wasn't a deliberate move on my part - well not consciously at least - but looking back at it now I'm pretty sure on some level that I knew exactly what I was doing when I told Chopper Rex's designation. I mean, I should have been able to sense your presence by that point in time, Master. Kark some part of me probably did subconsciously and still just chose to do it anyway. I know that now, just not why exactly I was deliberately provoking you in the way I ultimately did, Kanan ..." 

Kanan actually chuckles softly at that admission. "My guess on the subject Ezra? Is that there has always been a part of you in all of this mess that was actually looking for that ass kicking, or at least for some kind of wake up call instead. This may sound strange from the outside, but most of us aren't as blind as we like to pretend that we are…especially when we're in terrible ongoing pain because of our choices. Bluntly stated we all get tired of dealing with our own bullshit eventually."

Ezra harrumphs. "I was certainly itching for a fight by the time that you showed up, yes, Kanan. I mean you guys had all been pissing me off on the regular for better than a week by then. But what I don’t understand is this, Master….a brawl is generally easy to find or provoke in Capital City. But I had to go and pick a fight with the one person on the entire kriffing planet who can regularly literally wipe the floor with me even when I'm using my force gifts or lightsaber? Instead of one of the literal hundreds of people who couldn't? Which means that I basically set myself up to get my own ass kicked, Kanan, at least as far as I can figure. "

"And I repeat - you weren't actually looking for a fight. You were looking for a wake-up call, Ezra. They aren't precisely the same thing, you know. Yeah both are good in the sense that they allow for the venting of some rage, but whether you want to admit or not Kid, when you strip away all the rationalization and the fear that you've been shoveling lately about why the road you were taking yesterday was the right one, that didn't mean that even your own brain was completely prepared to agree with you.”

"So what...you're claiming that my subconscious mind basically attacked me last night? Decided that it had had enough of my excuses and then karking betrayed me?"

"Yes." Kanan answers him bluntly. “Though Chopper also definitely helped along the process as well, if only by aiding and abetting your breakdown until you finally reached that point.”

"Well then my subconscious is a bantha's ass, Kanan. And so is the murderbot while we're on the subject." Ezra grumbles crankily. "He threw out more than half of a perfectly good bottle of liquor, yesterday. Which I actually kriffing paid for. When I see him next I fully intend to retaliate by kicking him." 

"I ...may have encouraged the process along just a teeny tiny bit as well." Kanan informs his Padawan very, very dryly.

"Great. Then my life is full of assholes right now apparently." Ezra snipes back, while also half smirking at him

"But intelligent assholes, Ezra." Kanan shoots right back. "Who have a clearly vested interest in maintaining both your long-term health and your long term sanity."

Ezra sighs deeply. "I really don't like the idea of us having to wait to go into the temple, Kanan" he mutters. "I know that you still think that we should, and I completely understand why, but I'm the one with the extended set of crib notes on what’s ahead in the days to come, and I'm telling you Master, that there are a whole lot of reasons why my initial plan for handling things probably would have been a lot more safe and beneficial for all of you in the long run."

All of 'you' not all of 'us.' Kanan doesn't for even a second miss the importance of Ezra's pronoun choice. He sighs softly, running a hand through the mop of dark hair several more times. And yeah, the kid definitely has a serious touch deficit going on right now, because they've been cuddled up together for quite awhile and Ezra still isn't showing any inclination at all to pull away even though Kanan knows that Ezra can sense him much more clearly at this point. 

His voice is purposely gentle when he finally speaks up again, "Ezra has it even occurred to you, yet, that your crib notes as you charmingly called them, are actually growing more and more useless every day now. I mean, yes, they'll help us anticipate and prepare for some of the coming big moments down the road, but at the same time you also have to know already that this is not just your past four years verbatim. The moment that you first woke up here and started interacting with the world as your new self rather than your old one, Ezra literally everything rapidly started to change. The way it was...who you were before, who we were as well and what’s still coming up ahead, none of that is ever really going to be the same."

"I know that." Ezra mutters very, very softly. "And I’m not going to get a full night's sleep for at least four years, given a lot of what I know is still on coming, but at the same time at least hopefully this time around we both get to live with the price of that particular exchange." His whole body shutters hard. "Which believe me is still preferable to the karking alternative."

Kanan makes a low comforting sound at that, rocking the smaller body in his grip a little tighter. He's really, really starting to have his doubts about the wisdom of them trying to access the Temple right now. Not because he believes the Force to be particularly cruel or unreasoning in its judgement, but simply because Kanan doesn't even like the idea of Ezra trying to cope with something as simple as a fist fight by himself at the moment. Not without a few days more real rest and a hell of a lot more time for their bond to actually settle in first. 

"Ezra." Kanan chooses his next words carefully, not wanting them to be misconstrued as judgment or criticism if he can possibly help it. "We...Look I really don't think that we should be trying to enter the temple right now. We need to postpone our excursion for awhile. This is just... It is not the right time, all right, Kid> We'd be better off packing it in ...for a couple weeks at minimum, at least. Maybe even as much as a month or two. After we’ve both had more time to readjust we can always return to try again."

The body in his lap goes board stiff in a little under half a second. "Kanan..." 

Kanan makes his tone extra firm then. "Ezra, I am dead serious about this at the moment. I am not saying that you don't deserve a lightsaber of your own, or that I don't think that you'll end getting one whenever we eventually come back. But there is such a thing as good timing, Kid, and Ezra, this is not it. Right now trying to access the temple in this state isn't just risk it's outright, stupidly dangerous." 

Ezra tries to scuttle backwards then, clearly defensive and frustated, but Kanan only allows the teenager a set amount of distance. Namely just enough that they can make and keep steady eye contact. "As I said before, Ezra - bonds are incredibly tricky things, Kid, and ours has been in place less than twenty-four hours now. It needs time to stabilize...and your mind needs more time to actually heal. Not to even mention the fact that, well...at the moment at least I really don't think it would go well for either of us to try and undergo temple trials that typically require at the very minimum, individual participant separation."

Ezra curses heartily under his breath but then nods his head... "I should have tried to come out here and get this done before you guys ever arrived back on planet. Karabast."

That thought causes a sharp stab of ice cold dread in Kanan's gut in reaction. "No, Ezra, you shouldn't have." He very carefully replies. Because while no, Kanan doubts that the temple...if he understands the situation correctly, would have let a vulnerable unsupervised minor into the temple for a trial without a master there as well excepting in some very very special circumstances, Kanan's not technically sure if Ezra is a minor as far as the Force is concerned . It is a very thin line in this particular situation. Or at least it had been until Ezra had once again had an active and function training link.

The fact that said bond has reformed so fast and so strongly...along with Ezra's recurrent slips during various moments when he'd called Kanan his Master since that first day up in the Tower have pretty much cemented Kanan's own opinion on whether or not the younger man, regardless of his age, is truly ready to operate on his own at the moment.

But if Ezra hadn't so badly lost his mind when he had first woke up...if he'd come out to the temple on his own immediately instead of waiting until this point, with a soul that had eighteen years of experience at the time? If he had presented himself as someone whose master had died recently and who was now seeking guidance... What if anything might have happened to the kid then?

Kanan frowns a little, feeling a deep chill of cold in his chest. If Ezra had, as he’d first said, come out here with OtherKanan and the two of them had been granted access to the structure together, then it's very clear that the temple had let Kanan in himself that first time around under very similar circumstances. Ezra, odds are, would have been granted access to the temple at that point - if he’d come to the structure alone before the Ghost had arrived on planet. And what would have happened...could have happened at that point to his Padawan is deeply, profoundly unsettling to Kanan.

After all, Ezra is actually stabler now then he'd been when he’d first woken up in this time-stream. He's received at least some measure of healing thanks to the ongoing Amalyn treatments. He's tired as kriff but mostly in his right mind at the moment. If he'd gone into that temple alone initially, though, would the place have helped to heal his fracturing mind, or would it have simply broken him instead, unintentionally, thanks to all the increased stress, creating a different sort of shatter point and an utterly different kind of future spinning the rim and the galaxy into chaos around them?

Kanan is guessing that he knows, or at least has a pretty good suspicion, judging by the way that the hair on the back of his neck feels like it's literally standing on end just imagining that set of circumstances.

Ezra sighs, “Ah well, I guess. It’s not like I didn’t go bladeless at this point in the time -stream the last time around. I’m generally good when I have to at adapting - and there's always my slingshot or maybe some blasters if I can manage to get a hold of a few. Now to just figure out how to deal with my lists in the meantime.”

“Your lists?”

“Yeah…you know, of the things that really mattered the first time around, in terms of the time stream's overall continuity. I'd assumed up until now that I’d be dealing with all of that kind of stuff on my own – but well things have changed a bit, obviously. “

“Deal with what on your own?”

“Just…well, stuff, Kanan," Ezra says, shrugging more than a little bit helplessly.

Kanan frowns, considering everything that Ezra's just said, and his eyes narrow suspiciously. "And where exactly were you planning to go, Ezra, when the Grand Inquisitor arrived here on planet?" Kanan asks him suspiciously. "If you’d managed to get the rest of us ‘safely off Lothal’, I mean?” 

Ezra winces, his eyes dropping abruptly like he already knows exactly how much Kanan is not going to like hearing what he’s got to say, though he makes no attempt to actually deceive. "If I’d had any real say in the matter at all, I wouldn't have stayed in Capitol City for long, Kanan. But, well there's helping Jai and Zare... and stealing that tie fighter that might be necessary for a small rescue mission later, plus saving the Sumars who are important to the Lothalian resistance down the road. And of course there’s that info on Kallus' computer that we'll need – cause we needed it before, and that's all currently at the Imperial Academy.” 

“Ezra…” Kanan’s left temple is starting to throb in frustration, but his Padawan just keeps right on talking. Because the Kid enjoys giving Kanan small cerebral strokes apparently. Because honestly, *seriously?* How many missions exactly had Specter crew ended up running together in the previous timeline which Ezra, before his secret had involuntarily been revealed, had essentially committed to finishing up by himself, regardless of their danger or their apparent complexity?

Ezra meanwhile, is still talking, “...plus *someone* would have had to stay here and get to Tseebo out of my folk’s house on Empire day when the Empire starts up the manhunt for him, Kanan, because the specs in his head are crucial to the resistance's work down the line," Ezra chews his lower lip, before glancing up at him, with an oddly bemused expression. "Hey look, this may sound a little strange Master, but if you and Zeb ever meet a man named Londo Calrissian at a sabaac table just do all of us huge favor and walk the kriff away!”

“Ezra, enough. I repeat, what exactly was your plan to secure *your* safety after the rest of us left Lothol, especially if you knew the Grand Inquisitor was going to be coming?”

“Er…Other than the obvious trip out here?" Ezra shrugs his shoulder again. "Well there was the Rex related plan that we've agreed to avoid talking about full stop anymore because doing so makes your jaw twitch. I really was intending to leave Lothal, Kanan, after I just, err...tied up a couple of small, loose ends."

"Define 'tied up.' Kanan murmurs more than a little bit dangerously. "And loose ends."

Ezra rubs at his neck a little, "Just ah …dealt with things, you know? The kind of basic mission stuff that involves data recovery or prevents a lot of permanent-imprisonment or otherwise dying." 

"Permanent imprisonment..." Kanan's voice drops off sharply suddenly, his eyebrows drawing closer together. Then the older man's jaw drops as his head lifts again and he looks at Ezra incredulously, "Wait a minute. You knew that Zeb was going to ditch you during our initial escape attempt because it's happened to you one time before, and even so you *deliberately* let it happen again!"

Ezra shrugs, "Really wasn't an option to do otherwise, Kanan. When and where exactly do you think that I got the information during my first time around? My memory's good sure – but it's not completely photographic. I had to make certain that I hadn’t forgotten anything important before we went after the Wookies in terms of times, and dates and actual locations. I mean it’s been four years since last timeI heard all those details, Master, and there’s been a lot of details for me to remember since then." 

Kanan is going to kill him. Kanan is *literally* going to kill him. His other self? Was clearly a saint for never having actually broken and ass whupped the hell out of this damn kid.

Ezra, meanwhile, just tilts his his head at Kanan’s expression, and then quirks his lips in a wry little smile that's probably meant to be kriffing ironic. "If it makes you feel any better this time around, Kanan, at least before I came on ship to warn you guys that it was actually a trap, I left the Holocron safely *on the Ghost* instead of taking it with me like I did the first time around. All I really had on me when I boarded the vessel this time was my multi-tool and a bunch of overripe yogan." 

Kanan draws in a couple of very deep, very carefully measured breaths, desperately seeking both his center and his ability to speak without actually yelling. "Ezra." He informs the teenager calmly, "You are grounded. On bread and water. For the rest of eternity." 

"Kanan..." Ezra just sighs, almost bemused, in all too patient reaction. 

Kanan cuts him off with a single pointed finger. "That is a very, very generous offer at the moment. I suggest you accept it. *And quickly,* if you know what's good for you kid."

Ezra's lips actually quirk up a little, but at least he nods silently in response, before speaking softly. "All right, Kanan, I understand." 

Kanan keeps on pointing his finger. Very emphatically. "I'm serious, Ezra. And when I say grounded, I mean *karking grounded, Kid.* Which means no more going back to the tower on your own anymore. No practicing your shoplifting skills in the market. No leaving the ship unaccompanied at all without explicit permission from either myself or Hera before you do so, no disappearing constantly when you get annoyed into the vents of the ship. “ Kanan shakes his head several times, still trying to wrap his mind around the intensity of the recklessness that the teenager had just admitted to – horrified by the way that Ezra risked his life by blindly trusting in the unshakable commonality of a timeline that they’d both just stated several times they knew was diverging.

After all, there had been no guarantee at all that Ghost would have returned for Ezra this time around if anyone’s vote had suddenly changed for some reason or if something happened to the ship mechanically during their escape. Ezra could've been...well pretty much anything basically...

Kanan slams his eyes shut, shaking his head again at the thought, and then he looks over at his Padawan again, “Force Ezra, the first week or so, don’t even expect to be let out of my sight for more than a couple of minutes at a time initially unless you’re either in med-bay with an IV, you’re using the bathroom or you’re meditating." And yes, Kanan admits - that may be a tad bit extreme. Right now though, he really doesn’t much care. His damn nerves are all but shredded at this point, especially after this particular conversation. Ezra’s got some serious ground to cover right now in terms of actually regaining Kanan’s trust before he's going to be fully trusted to look after his own safety again.

Besides, with the bond still so new between them right now, and with them both tending toward emotional strain and overreaction Kanan knows that it's probably wise for them to stay in reasonably close proximity until the link has had a few more days to really settle and finish up rooting in.

Ezra crosses his arms and then tilts his head. Not defiantly, though – more as what looks like part of a conversational habit as the younger Jedi studies his master for a moment or two, before he finally speaks up almost curiously. "You know, you didn't really freak out about our first few months this much my first time around, only now you totally are and it’s kind of weirding the hell out of me, Kanan. Not complaining, just noting that for the record."

Kanan stares right back at him, completely unashamed. "Oh Kid, I definitely freaked out then too. I absolutely guarantee it. Albeit from what little you’ve told me Ezra, I’m guessing that said freaking was done in my quarters at the time, subtly and much more *privately.* For what it's worth, links like the one that we’ve got now tend to take time to evolve to full strength, Ezra…yours and your former master's likely developed slowly over months whereas we,” he gestures between the two of them, “just re-recovered a good part of what probably initially took us years to build in one night, and so now it’s going to take both of us a little time to readjust and get used to the necessary levels of shielding."

Kanan jabs his still extended finger at Ezra, one more time, "But all of that admitted, I'm also assuming at this point that my other self could at least comfort himself with the knowledge that even if you were, as you put it yesterday a ‘handful’ when he was first getting to know you, your younger self almost never did something so ridiculously stupid!"

“It’s wasn’t stupid. Kanan. Just necessary.” Ezra's voice is deadly calm in its rebuttal. 

“Banthashit,” Kanan snaps back without even the slightest hint of yielding. Ezra switches the cross of his arms, shifts his balance from one leg to the other, raises an eloquent eyebrow and then speaks again, with far, far too much karking surety.

"'If the only life you defend is you own, Kanan than your own life counts for nothing.' Now I don’t completely agree with Hera’s philosophy, as you already know, but I also don’t reject the sentiment completely either - Hera was right that time, at least in that particular situation. Yes, I took a calculated risk by letting myself get captured, Kanan but that risk was probably far, far less dangerous than the one I took the first time that I boarded that ship, because at least this time around I actually had a pretty damn good idea what was actually at stake. I knew the possible costs of what I was doing in full when I did what I did the other day, Kanan. I just judged the prize at the time to be absolutely worth it."

Force damn it, Kanan thinks. How many times has he asked Hera to be careful about using that particular phrase so damned indiscriminately? Yes, Kanan acknowledges that the sentiment does have some general merit, but it’s also tone deaf as hell when coming from a person who seems completely unaware that having others who are willing to sacrifice in order to save your life is actually a sign of personal privilege in most cultures, and that for some people at least, fighting for their own lives is actually one of the highest forms of courage in a society that has declared them essentially worthless. His own Padawan is a walking talking example of just that concept, as teenager had rightly pointed out the other night, not that Ezra currently seems to be practicing what he preaches.

"You could have just warned us what was actually coming, Ezra," He points out after another moment or so. “Could have warned us that the information we had wasn't necessarily to be trusted. You did not need to deal with the situation as recklessly as you did.”

Ezra snorts aloud, "And I could have told you guys what exactly? That I somehow knew you were walking into a trap, but I could help you get more accurate information about the wookie's real location if we just flipped their proverbial table and used their own game against them instead? No one in their right mind would have ever believed me, no matter what I'd said, Kanan. Even if I had claimed to have secret ears somewhere inside Vizago's organization. How much trust were you guys going to give a loth -rat who’d you’d just literally scooped up after a speeder chase like some kind of exotic pet who'd you found left out on the street the exact same day who miraculously just started talking? I am not an idiot, all right Kanan, I know my own capacities to convince people to believe me, and doing so in the situation would have been completely beyond my ken. Besides, any temporary personal danger I put myself in during the short period I spent on board that vessel was still minuscule compared to what could have happened to all of us if I’d just stayed home on Lothol and tried to bust you guys out later, much less tried to change things even more than that from their original iteration. Which I at least remembered and had the capacity to use said memories to our mutual benefit. Do you have any idea - any kriffing idea at all how deep in Banthakriff you all would have been at that point in time had I not stepped up in the way that you did? You probably would have ended strapped to another kriffing imperial torture table, Kanan, and let me tell you, Master I don’t currently have the hidden tie fighters or the contacts and weapons available that would have become necessary to launch the required rescue operation!" 

'Currently.' The words register in Kanan's head, just a little bit numbly. He licks his lips in order to wet them, and then he speaks up quietly. "And how old were you when you did first have all the resources to first make that sort of thing happen?” 

Ezra blinks at the question, clearly startled. "Uhm...fifteen and a half? Not that it was really just all me. But that's not really the point at the moment, Kanan. Look, I made a deal with Vizago back then in order to get the info from him that we needed to get you back from Mustafar and then with a little help from our friends in the resistance, we managed to get you out and get us all home again. The point that I am trying to make here is that I am *not* voluntarily going to live through that kind of nightmare again if I don't have to! Not if some reasonably calculated risks on my part mean that I can prevent it from ever happening at all. Because let me tell you Kanan, I preferred you uncaptured and my face unscarred by lightsabers at least for the moment!" 

Oh no… Fifteen years when that had first happened is definitely the point, at least as far as Kanan is concerned right concerning all of this. Well, that and Ezra’s explanation just in general because seriously, what in the karking kriff?! At fifteen and a half years old *Ezra* had been the one who had been dragging *Kanan* off of Imperial torture tables. The one making deals with local arms dealers in order to secure needed information as if that was a totally normal, acceptable thing for a fifteen year old to be doing when his 'parent' disappeared into the hands of the enemy? And apparently, everyone else in the world had simply gone mad and apparently let him?! If they had been working in tandem with the rebellion by that point then surely there should have been some adults around to do…well, the actual adulting!

Kanan draws in a deep breath, "You're right, Ezra." He acknowledges after a moment or so, carefully rising to his own feet to come a little bit closer to the younger Jedi. "By the sound of it from a completely neutral outside perspective, you made a judgment call that you believed was the best one available to you at the time. Because you're absolutely right, Kid, that we didn't know you on that 'first day' from Adam." 

Kanan takes him by the shoulders and shakes him, just once, hard. "But Ezra, guess what, Kid - you are still kriffing grounded, anyway, because even if I didn’t know you at that point, Kid, you karking damn well knew me!”

“What?” Ezra stares at Kanan, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. 

“I...the other version of me, was your Master for four years, Ezra! Before he died the two of you must have had, from what I can see of the wreckage still in your mind right now, a strong and incredibly attuned training link. Kark even now, when it's still at just a quarter of its original size at the time it was first broken, our mental affinity still seems to be so fore-damned strong that I'm betting the Force started literally howling in your head the moment that the Ghost came back into the solar system, regardless of whether or not I was shielding at the time. Am I wrong?"

Ezra drops his gaze down to his feet and very deliberately says nothing.

"How long were we on the planet, Ezra?"

Again Kanan is greeted with total silence.

"How long were we here, Ezra, *before* the day of the robbery?" 

"...about a day and a half." Ezra finally mutters, distinctly unconvincingly.

Kanan reaches out and shakes him gently by the shoulders, "Wrong answer. Don't try and lie to me right now, Kid. I know better. HOW MANY DAYS WERE WE HERE ON LOTHAL, EZRA?!" 

"Almost five okay!? You guys were here almost five, Kanan." Ezra's voice is cracking with strain, and good – because it should be. The kid should be just a little bit afraid and guilty right now because Karabast is the older Jedi is going to allow this situation to just pass unchallenged. 

"Almost five." Kanan agrees, stepping back enough to give Ezra just a fraction more room in which to shift on his feet in reward for his eventual honesty. "Before that ‘first day’ Ezra, we were parked on outskirts of the Capital City, just like we have been the last few weeks. We were reachable by foot with very little effort on your part and we were certainly reachable if you'd chosen to 'borrow' a speeder. So don't just sit there right now acting like you had only one option available and just chose to do 'what you had to do' at that point when the truth of the matter is that there were five days before the actual robbery during which you could have tried to come and find me first so we could find a way to do what was needed without you repeatedly, brazenly risking your life."

Ezra’s breathing ratchets up a notch. His eyes are still locked on his feet, at least for the moment. He draws a deep breath, then lets it out whispering the next words not exactly defiantly. “I still had no way to know for sure at that point that you’d believe me, as I've said, Kanan. If you hadn't and you'd tried to leave me behind thinking I was some kind of security risk to the rest of you...I ...I just wasn't willing to risk it at that time.”

"’My previous master's name was Caleb...But then he never really went by that moniker while I knew him.’" Kanan puts his words in quotes, “Or Hera says that's what you told her when she was poking at you about the subject the other day.” He shakes his head with a small snort, "There was no way in kark that you just threw that name out at random like I originally thought you must have when Hera first told me what you'd said; you were deliberately kriffing with us - try to knock me in particular temporarily off balance because I was pushing you too hard and you were starting to get angry. But still, you know some or all or some of my birth name. What was the name of my own master, Ezra?" 

Silence.

“Ezra!”

"Depa Billaba."

"And what was the name of my Grande Sire?" 

"Mace Windu." 

"Who taught me the smugglers craft in the years after after Order 66." 

"Janus Kasmir. Or at least he claimed that gave you a foundation of the basics" 

“Where and when did I meet Hera, Ezra?” 

“you met her on Gorse.” 

“And what happened there?”

“I don't really remember the details. Something about some kind of lunatic and a moon, Kanan.”

"Yes." Kanan emphasizes the word with another quick shake of Ezra's shoulders. "As I just said - you knew me, Ezra. Whether or not I knew as much personal information about who you were at that point didn't really matter. And you're not stupid Kid - you had to have known that it would have taken you less than *three minutes* after our initial introduction for you to ensure that you had my complete attention, even if I hadn’t initially noticed that we were oth force sensitive! You also knew karkng well at that point that when faced with something so potentially important, I'd have at least stopped to meditate, and that if I had done sothen The Force would have karking well confirmed what you were saying!

Kanan steps forward again then, unerringly shifting the kid to one side and then toward the wall of seats now behind him. "But you didn't want me looking any closer did you, Ezra? Didn't want me poking into the currents. Didn't want me asking any relevant questions. You certainly didn't want me taking the time to stop and meditate because after all, you already had your own plan for how you were going to handle things, right? And that plan hinged on keeping all of the rest of us so karking off balance during that first job that we would end up looking at everything but you! Even if it meant continually repeatedly paying for that choice by damaging your ownmind.”

A firm hand against the teenager’s shoulder doesn’t shake Ezra this time around. Instead, Kanan simply pushes the younger man downward deliberately, forcing Ezra into the seat - the fourteen year impacting against the cushioned bench with a distinct wince of pain. And yeah, judging by Ezra's face the kid most definitely still has some bruising from their conflict last night. Kanan’s going to have to see if he can find Ezra some Bacta Cream once they're finished up here. For now though, Kanan just drops down to his own knees in front of him, lifting the younger man’s chin from where it's tucked into his chest and making certain that they've got real eye contact again before continuing,. "*That's* why you're grounded right now, Ezra." His voice gentle but also absolutely unrelenting. "Because for *five days* you held your tongue when you knew that you were meant to be talking. You risked your own life needlessly, rather than share the burden of responsibility that shouldn’t have been all yours to begin with. You do it again Kid, and you will not like the consequences!" 

Ezra drops his eyes, hands fisting on his lap, "We're clear, Kanan." He finally answers back softly. “I get where you’re coming from, I really do, Master. I just...” His voice cracks sharply. “Kanan, I’m sorry. I was doing what seemed best for all of us at the time, under the circumstances. I just…”

"I know.” Kanan squeezes his shoulder comfortingly, “You allowed yourself to be blinded - by both your guilt and your fear - but you are not alone and you better remember that and start talking instead of trying to play God next time. Because I swear to Force, Kid if I ever catch you trying to pull this kind of kriff again then the next discussion that the two of us have concerning this subject will be a hell of a lot less pleasant. You are not expendable, no matter how much it's easier to pretend otherwise these days, and you need to stop giving me heart attacks by being so needlessly reckless.” 

“I know.” Ezra repeats. “And I’ll try. I really will Master, I promise. I just ... When the stakes get high enough, I get tunnel vision sometimes.”

“I know. Which is why we’re having this talk, and drawing some very cleear lines of in the sand going forward. None of which means that I’m not still proud of you after everything that you’ve survived over the past couple of months. Nor does it mean that anything else I told you yesterday is ever going to change. Yes, I'm mad at you right now, but that doesn't mean that you've permanently lost my respect or that you're not entitled to my protection. I'm just calling out your greatest threat- even if it's sometimes you - at this point.”

Tears well up in Ezra’s eyes, spilling over unwillingly at the words. He nods, silently. Kanan reaches out with one of his hands to gently wrap around the back of the kid's neck and squeeze affectionately. “You going to be all right, Ezra? Need a drink of water or a hug or a snack or something?”

Ezra makes a face at that, wiped his eyes with his shirt again. Kanan really needs to find the kid some kind of kriffing handkerchief. “I’ll be fine. Really I will, Master. Like I said earlier, I’ve just been like a karking faucet ever since I woke up. It’s stupid as kriff. Not to mention annoying.”

“Happens to the worst and the best of us all, Kid. Now is there anything right now that you do either want or need?”

“A less kriffed up brain?”

Kanan smirks in bemusement at that, “That’ll come on its own, Kid. I promise. Just give yourself a few days to adapt in the meantime, and as much as possible cut yourself a break and try to go a little easy.”

Ezra makes a face, “Believe me, right now it feels like I’ve already given way more time than I even like to think about.”

Kanan sighs. “Look, I know that you're feeling raw, Ezra, and that you’re tired right as well as frankly worn out from all the ‘drama’ – but it’s still been less than twenty-four hours since our link finally reformed and your mind started healing. This isn’t an abnormal response on your part at all. The bond’s just settling in, and on top of all of that your mind's still trying to deal with the damage that still needs sorting through after all these weeks. It will be a a little better tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.”

The blue-eyed teenager sighs then, rolling his eyes heavenwards, “Well in that case, couldn’t someone like, just put me in a coma and wake me up in a couple more weeks or something?”

Kanan chuckles softly again: he really, really can’t help it, and the bell like sound makes Ezra’s head come up sharply in response, his blue eyes staring at Kanan and blinking, just a little bit dazed. The older Jedi raises an eyebrow at the younger man's almost bitter expression, the chuckle cutting off. “Are you... Ezra, what is it?”

“Nothing. I...I just..haven’t seen you do that in a while..”

“Laugh?”

Ezra shakes his head a little, “Look me straight in the eyes and smile genuinely.”

“Sounds like I turned into quite a curmudgeon in your original timestream. ” He observes after a moment, “If that’s really the case, Ezra.”

Ezra shakes his head a little. “No. Not at all. Other you was always hopeful, Kanan…if maybe a little bit tireder as a rule. But that's pretty much unescapable given the lives we were all living. Otherkanan - he had a very similar kind of humor to yours.. Life just got, well, harder as time marched on. Yhat's just the nature of wartime, I guess. The work never seemed to end: omeone always wanted or needed our help. Kriff, before I woke up again here in my Tower on Lothal, I don’t think that I’d had…” Ezra voice drops off abruptly...

“You don’t think you'd what?”

“I don’t think I’d had more than one day off in a row for over a two years honestly, Master. There was always just too much to do at any given time.”

Kanan chews that bit of news over for a long moment, considering as he does so what it says about the place that Ezra came from, as well as about the lives that they’d all been willingly embracing, regardless of all of its accompanying responsibilities and privileges.. Somewhere along the way it sounds as if the fourteen-year-old street rat they'd found on the streets of Capitol City had become an eighteen-year-old child soldier, instead. Kanan's not sure how he really feels about that at the moment.

The thought makes Kanan wonder, as he kneels there silently studying the teenager, if maybe a good part of Ezra’s ongoing soul sickness hasn’t been just about OtherKanan’s death, as awful as that had been for the poor Kid to witness. Maybe on top of that, Ezra’s also just plain tired as any soldier becomes in a long ongoing conflict. Such a life doesn't tend to leave those who leave it with many extra mentl or psychological resources.

“Well on the bright side, Kid, we’ve got nothing else on our schedule right now. Unless the coffers get too low anywhat or Hera hears from one of her contacts or gets particularly restless.”

Ezra chuckles. “Which means, historically Kanan, that we’ll be running for our lives sometime in the next couple of days. At least in my experience.”

Kanan snorts. “Yeah, or so you claim you pint sized little cynic.”

Ezra snorts right back, “I much prefer the term 'Realist' Master.”

“Snarky, stubborn, little...”

“Pit Bull? More like kriffing wolf, thank you very much.” Ezra immediately shoots back, and then he pauses, tilting his head to one side and then the other before he raises the pointer finger of one of his hands.. “Wait a minute: are we technically throwing and rebutting personal insults or just involuntary descriptors? Because do not blame the whole time travel on me! I sure as kark do not remember purchasing this ticket to crazyland deliberately.”

Kanan rolls his eyes “You’re not actually outright crazy yet, Ezra.”

“No just teetering on the knives edge at this point, I think.”

Kanan waves his hand, “Nah, you’re a little tested, chronologically speaking is all, Kid.”

The teenager's eyes narrow, “While you? Are an obviously failing amateur comedian these days, Kanan.”

“You wound me, Kid.”

“Yeah, well cry me a karking river....”

“No...I think I'll leave that one to you for now, Ezra, you pull it off better. So... do you need another hug before I get up again?”

“Need no - but I’ll take one anyway if one's currently being offered.” Ezra snorts softly to him, “Kark I think I’ll try anything at the moment that makes me feel less like a kriffing kicked puppy.”

“You do kind of have the face for the role these days, Ezra.”

Ezra's returned pout is dry, “Hardy har har, look Kanan – why don't you go back to working on the jokes for your truly act for awhile, well I ...I don't know, go take a nap or meditate for a couple of hours or something.”

“Hey maybe I’m actually great most of the time for a laugh, Ezra. Maybe you’re actuallly just a lousy audience, you ever consider that particular possibility.?”

Ezra's look is distinctly skeptical, “I find that highly, highly unlikely, Kanan.”

“Why's that?”

“Because I for the most have a great sense of humor, Master Mine. Whereas you? Deal in terrible Dad jokes almost exclusively.”

“That’s a horrible thing for you to say to guy, Kid, you know that?”

“Well what can I say at this point Kanan, other than that OtherYou always advocated honesty in our ongoing relationship...”

“Well OtherMe must have been a real jerk most of the time to be around, then.”

“Wonder who he learned that from,” Ezra mutters back very wryly.

“Probably Zeb,” Kanan replies all but instinctively, smirking right back. And then he pulls the kid back into his arms for one last lingering hug.


	13. Briefings

To say that Ezra is cowed right now, in the wake of their most recent conversation, is to put it kindly a massive sort of understatement. For the last couple of hours the kid has been the quietest that Kanan's seen since the two of them first met. 

(Well in this particular time stream's iteration, anyway. Which for Ezra, Kanan supposes makes this their second week spent finally getting to actually know one another. Which Kanan is now going to stop thinking about now in favor of the actual present before he and Ezra's poor brains both start to steam.) 

Regardless once Kanan finally pulls back from the hug that he’d been giving him, his Padawan barely seems to register, much less protest the way that Kanan wraps up the rest of the ship's usual pre-flight stowaway and then turns the Phantom back toward Capital City. Indeed, by time that the older Jedi gets the ship up and in the air and then finally glances back over his shoulder to check on what the teenager has been up to in the meantime, he finds Ezra still slumped over in the exact same spot on the bench seats. The kid's eyes blurry, his expression is listless and his posture is heavy with what looks a lot to him like sheer exhaustion

Frankly stated the kid looks like the Sith Hells at the moment. Ezra is still clearly overextended even after a full night of real sleep, and that fact doesn’t diminish even after Kanan makes them both mugs of caf and hot instant meals once the cordinates are plugged into the nav system. The fourteen year old honestly reminds Kanan of a slowly deflating balloon at the moment for lack of a better way of describing is, albeit one who’s doing his best to keep his air – or his thoughts in this case – largely silent as they bleed out into the quiet of the room. 

Kanan watches all of this silently for more than two hours, until after a long stretch of essentially staring at the wall blank eyed, Ezra finally rises from his seat, throws his empty trash into the trash compactor. and starts looking for a spot in the center of the cargo area's floor – presumably to either do his daily stretches or more meditation.

Kanan rises and catches him by the arm, very gently. "I think you’d be better off hitting the sack again Kid for a few hours. Work on that sleep deficit of yours and let the bacta and the meds I gave you earlier do their work for the time being."

Ezra blinks at him a moment, a little startle. "I've been awake for less than six hours, Kanan." The younger man finally observes quietly, the tone clearly meant to be inofrmative as opposed to challenging. 

Kanan just shrugs and prods him in the direction of the sleep area. “Which has nothing at all to do with how much downtime your system does or doesn't need right now, Ezra especially after the past couple of weeks. It's been over ten hours now since your last dose of morphine or anything stronger than anti-inflammatories. That in mind, what’s your pain level at, at the moment?” 

“Right now it's probably seven or eight. It started out less when I first woke up and slowly increased over the course of the morning.” 

Considering the course of their conversation so far today? Kanan finds that fact utterly unsurprising. “How’s the state of your shields at the moment, Ezra? Is what I did earlier on my end still helping.” 

“Yes. My shielding definitely still needs some work right now, Kanan, but to be honest I’ve been letting it slide with us all the way out here because it actually hurts less with them mostly relaxed at present. Keeping the as impermeable as I have been recently takes a lot of mental focus, truthfully.”

Kanan figures that makes sense - a least with just the two of them out here for the time being there's not really any point in Ezra overextending himself needlessly. As they get closer to populated areas the kid's natural defenses will start adding on more layers as they're needed just naturally.

“Right now, you’re probably still dealing with some pretty significant blow back from the past couple of days in particular, Ezra. Which is why in addition to your next dose or morphine I think at this point that we’re going to try and start you on a short trial run of a lower dose Amalyn like I mentioned to you earlier this morning. It should help with both the pain and the exhaustion both now much more efficiently then before now that the link's finally actually back in place. It may knock you out but only for a couple of hours. Any objections?” 

A shake of Ezra head’s is the only real answer Kanan needs to see. The teenager doesn't even bother debating the point. “All right. I’ll go hit the head and then make up a bunk again in the rear.” And that complete lack of fight? Is the only real indication that Kanan needs of how drained Ezra must actually be feeling at present. His Padawan doesn’t even attempt to question the gentle given command, just uses the restroom as promised before sitting and waiting for Kanan to return with the supplies as he's promised.

The Phantom's med-pack does have several IV insertion kits and Dextrose bags within when Kanan checks it, in addition to the two or three additional that Kanan had already packed up before departing the Ghost. He could probably dose Ezra as needed for three to four days with what he's got on hand at present. Hera - who had last stocked the Phantom's storage spaces a couple of days ago, had apparently taken Ezr'a collapse after their last encounter with Kallus – as well as the teenager's generalized ongoing medical situation - as an excuse to both reload and revise the standard on ship med kit to a rather amusing level of over-preparation. 

The Twi'lek pilot has already clearly become very proactive when it comes to anticipating their youngest crewman's needs at this point. Acknowledgement of thought makes Kanan smile a little involuntarily, warmed by how much easier that the natural affection that Ezra seems to bring out in all of them will hopefully make the transition over the next couples of days or weeks. Not that this new reality they’ve somehow crash landed in without really evening noticing isn’t also going to require several upcoming complex and involving conversations, but at least the general need to have said talks should ultimately be proverbially swallowed pretty easily. 

Kanan chokes out a sudden laugh at the abrupt thought of how exactly he could try and begin at least one of said conversations: 'Well, the good news is that I finally appear to have reeled your much coveted Specter Six, Hera. But in the the process of doing so I also appear to have netted myself a rather…err… high maintenance, new Padawan. One who as it turns out comes equipped with a slightly mind bending talent for time travel.' 

Hera is – she’s gonna... 'Force.' When Kanan tries to imagine actually sitting down and explaining all of this to his lover in any reasonable sort of manner he immediately starts to get just slightly hysterical. Because initially at least, Kanan’s pretty sure that Hera is probably just going to assume that he and Ezra have lost their minds. Time travel as a reality not a concept is not something he'd ever expectedto encounter in any of their actual conversations. 

Should he maybe just take a cue from Ezra for the time being and not tell any of the others at first while he tries to figure out the best possible way to do so? Kanan considers this particular option for all of half of a second before shuddering in an instinctive, all too knowing ‘don’t be outright suicidal, you fool’ reaction. Because there is such a thing as discretion yes, but there is also almost mind melting stupidity. If he actually hides this all from Hera, for any length of time even remotely successfully, and the Twi’lek pilot finds that out in retrospect then the Ghost's captain will not only object to that decision with extreme prejudice, she'll probably retaliate by hanging him up in the docking bay by his gonads. Quite literally.

There are, in Kanan's experience with Hera, things like keeping a couple major but non - threatening secrets, which is generally fine- and hiding things from her. Which will result in instant dismemberment and death. Not to mention Ezra desperately needs a regular place in his life where he can stop hiding anymore, quite frankly.

This…all of this. Ezra, the training bond, his future knowledge, the Shatterpoint Kanan’s pretty sure he saw occur – all of that is going to require explanation. And Hera isn't going to be any happier about what Ezra's done than Kanan initially was, once she works through her own trains of logic. Though it may take her a little longer to work it all out - to accrue enough understanding to really grasp everything that's happened. Which will only make the resulting storm ten times worse when it finally hits. 

Because if Kanan's not reading the wind wrong - and he really doesn’t think that he is - then it's incredibly likely that Ezra spent four years on the Ghost with the both of them in his other reality. Which made OtherHera and OtherHim both, for lack of a better term, the kid's defacto parents.

What that means in the literal is nothing at all. What that means figuratively however is that - surprise, surprise- Hera Syndulla had/has a son every bit as much as Kanan had/has a padawan. One that Hera's already proven to be almost inordinately fond of after having only known Ezra for about three weeks now. And now Hera's going to learn that three weeks of acquired affection from her side was literally four years worth of the same from Ezra.

All that kept in mind, Kanan somehow strongly doubts that Hera’s going to be able to easily swallow the knowledge that a child whom OtherHer had loved and who had obviously loved OtherHer in return, had then not only found himself cast back in time with no explanation but then preemptively attempted to dump his entire family out of his life ‘for their own good’ less than a day after he'd also allowed himself to be captured deliberately by the enemy in order to make sure that Kanan and Hera got the data that they'd needed for their ongoing Imperial trap/Wookie rescue mission.

Hera is, unless Kanan completely misses his guess, literally going hit the kriffing ceiling.

And Ezra? Is going to be eating a large and varietous amount of crow in the days to come, if his lover’s feeling *generous.* Hera is literally going to put the fear of hellfire into the kid once she figures all this out, it’s all but virtually guaranteed. Even after Kanan makes a point of letting her know that he’s already ‘handled’ the topic of that particular little transgression in terms of disciplinary action. 

Kanan doesn’t have the faintest clue honestly, how it's all going to come out even after he tells her that. Because Hera after all isn't going to be capable of fully appreciating Ezra’s viewpoint or decision making tree just yet. Oh, she’ll at least try to, because yeah she lost her mother young too, but Hera can't quite on a visceral level quiteunderstand Ezra’s grief in the same way that Kanan can right now. She doesn’t know what a psychic bond is like. Has no concept of what it does to a mind when they’re broken. She’ll need to have it explained to her very clearly and gently that passive suicidal ideation and ongoing PTSD probably played just as much of a role as teenage arrogance and recklessness in most of Ezra’s recent mission-related decisions.

At which point once she understands Hera won’t likely yell at Ezra anymore - much anyway, but she’ll definitely ramp up her overall level of monitoring and worry about the general situation.

Kanan, on the other hand, knows EXACTLY why Ezra made the choice he did at first, when he woke up and found himself in this time and this place. He understands how fears for Kanan's safety, Ezra's concerns about his own sanity and the thought of having to live through a link break again could have led Ezra to make such stupid self-destructive choices. Especially when the kid could wrap it all up neatly under the guise of calm, moral, rationalization. Mind you, Kanan doesn't think that Ezra's choices were right in the slightest: note their previous conversation. Still he understands the mindset involved, and even more importantly than that, he knows right now what Ezra needs more than anything else is simply TIME. Time to hear that he’s all right, that this isn’t a dream, that he’s not simply going to wake up one day and once again be alone and in horrible pain.

Ezra needs to hear those things, and he needs time to start actually believing them.

Which is why Ezra, for the next few months at the very least, is going to be getting as much mercy as Kanan can possibly dig out of his own heart. Kanan's going to be practicing both forgiveness and empathy as vigorously and as often as he possibly can. With a few small but notable exceptions of course -again please note their previous conversation. Still, considering that said exceptions thus far have basically included, a) you may not hit me except in self-defense, b) you may not run away to live with clone war troopers and c) you may not needlessly endanger your own life without suffering severely unpleasant consequences for that decision, Kanan's pretty sure he's not doing too badly at this whole Guardian Ad Litum thing. No matter how awkward he'd felt at the beginning of the day thanks to the whole 'to hug or not to hug’ thing. Kanan may have in fact overestimated generally on how badly he's going to suck at all of this.

All this in mind, Kanan carries the IV supplies back to where Ezra is already lying down on his side half asleep, and proceeds to drug the kriff out of his over stimulated, over exhausted, completely overburdened mess of a kid. And then he goes to make a comm call back to the Ghost from the front of the ship.

"Kanan!" The Twi'lek's smile on the com is wide as her head appears on the viewscreen. But the expression quickly fades as Hera leans in to get a slightly better look at him. "I didn’t think that I’d hear from you until after you were done at the temple, and you said that might take a day or two. Kriff...wait a minutet.” Hera squints, “Kanan is your …Love your nose looks like it got broken?"

Oh yes. Kanan had forgotten about that little detail. He sits back a little in his chair shrugging, "Yup." 

"And how did that happen?" 

" Ezra." He replies. Not even blinking.

Hera winces in reply, “And how did all of that go exactly?”

“About as well as could be expected. He had a lot of repressed anger, Hera. I helped him unrepress it by releasing a little anger of my own. We both yelled. He hit me. We tussled. He took an involuntary nap. He woke up again and we talked then ended up tusseling again, and then I handed him his ass in exchange for the broken nose and repeated attempts to unman me." Kanan shrugs a little. "Overall HEra, you could say it was a 'bonding experience.'

"….Some anger of your own." Those words aren't anything but a request for further clarification. 

Kanan calmly steeples his fingers in front of him as he looks at her. "Let’s just say that I expressed some...serious reservations... about the fact that Ezra's apparent 'life plan' after he ditched us involved him leaving Lothal on his own to try and track down a few of his old master's clone trooper buddies." 

Hera's face pales at that announcement. “He was going to what?!” 

“Show up on some GAR Veteran’s doorstep and see if they wanted a pet Padawan essentially.” Kanan sighs heavily. “He shared his plan, involuntarily. I objected to it, things escalated. Rather loudly and swiftly.”

"Is he?"

"He's fine Hera. Not sitting very comfortably right now as a result of some of his poorer life choices, but as he put it ‘bygones.’ We’re fine. Well okay not fine precisely but getting there and definitely on to dealing with bigger issues at the moment."

"You actually...?" Hera shakes her head then, snorting a little. “You actually literally ended up spanking the kid? Cause I have to admit, Kanan, I didn't see that one coming. Some fisticuffs between the two of you yeah, but...”

"It was self-defense for the most part, Hera. I put Ezra on his stomach and tanned his hide after he repeatedly tried to knee me. After which he finally broke and cried for like an hour. And as it turns out for Ezra at least, tears are a whole lot more effective then sparring for provoking general catharsis. Please also note for the record Hera, that this is *not* a complete summary of what actually happened, I'm just reading off the cliff notes basically and will happily extrapolate later to your complete contentment."

"I understand. Keep going." Well at least far Hera's face is concerned si far, things don't look too bad. There's a lot concern there, a little judgement, but mostly just understanding. At least so far,

"We also talked a lot about his former master , Hera - both after and in the middle of all of that, and well after I kicked his ass and he cried he also let me hold him and he finally relaxed enough that I was able to get through his top layer of shielding.” Kanan draws in a sharp breath, because here they go, “Which is when I realized that we already had - have, a very old and active training link, Hera."

“But...but how is that possible?” Hera looks absolutely flabbergasted at the information. “It’s old you say?! You’d never even met him before, Kanan, during the few times that we’ve actually visited this planet!” 

“Yes, I know. But Hera, here’s the kicker...You know how he mentioned that one time that he was with his master slightly more than 4 years? Well, the last date that Ezra currently remembers living in occurs in YOE18.” Kanan informs her calmly. 

"What?!" Hera repeats again. To be fair it currently is only Year of The Emporer 14. 

Kanan shrugs, "You know how you used to always tease me about what you called my time travel book and holovid obsession?" Kanan lets out a distinctly wry little snort. "Well, that just turned out to be ironically relevant, Hera. The Force is pretty clear in its confirmations, Hera. He’s definitely not lying. Which means that I was, I *am* Ezra's old Master, apparently."

Hera stares out through the viewscreen at him for a long, awkward moment completely mute. Kanan draws in a deep breath…"Look Hera - I know okay, and I understand that you have every right, right now, to be skeptical. Why do you think that Ezra didn't say anything to any of us for so long? Death of his OtherMe aside that he had to witness, he knows that it all sounds completely insane and beyond belief. He's a kriffing mess at the moment because he's spent so long trying to cope with the reality of it all by itself. But it's definitely...look the Force is just really clear, Hera, in ways I can’t really even describe. And even if it weren’t he knows things…details that he should have no chance at all of knowing. Unless he’s actually telling the truth.”

Hera softly cuts him off then with a softly murmured. “Cham.”

Kanan blinks at that, “Huh?”

Hera looks up at him from her hands, "He knew what my mom’s name was, Kanan. As well as Cham’s." 

"He did?" Kanan leans forward a little, blinking at this unexpected revelation. 

Hera shrugs her shoulders, "When he was on the Amalyn about a week ago…he asked me at one point when I was sitting with him how long it'd been since I last gotten to visit home – to see Cham. I...I thought he was just babbling, Kanan, stringing thoughts randomly together. Or that maybe he'd been talking to you and you’d told him my Dad’s name just because he was curious about me in general but..." Hera's eyes have been far away as she speaks, but now she looks up and stares at him. "You rarely mention my father Kanan. Ever. Certainly not to someone we don’t know well. And then later on that same day, Sabine brought up the fact that a panel in the hall outside Medbay was making some odd sounds and Ezra mumbled out something under his breath about checking a particular circuit panel to fix it. Which Chopper and I had modified ourselves at one point during some patchwork renovations. There was no way in kriff, Kanan that he should have known how to properly diagnose that problem..."

Hera reaches up to rub at her brow, then, "I was talking to the others about it earlier, and well, Kanan apparently Sabine and Zeb have both been noticing a lot of similar strange little coincidences too. Oddities that Ezra brought up when he was drugged. Little details he just seemed to know about us or the ship that have been making them edgy and or very confused. I thought at first it was lingering guilt on Zeb's part and...well Sabine is tired of being the baby of the crew, Kanan. She may be angry at Ezra right now yes, but she also wants Ezra on board intensely right now reasons she can’t even explain herself. It’s driving her a little bit nuts. But your explanation. If it’s true Kanan than suddenly it all makes a lot more actual sense." 

Kanan nods, Blinks at her a little incredulously. "Wait a minute...are you actually saying that you just outright kriffing believe me?!" 

"Oh I won’t go that far. Not quit yet anyway. I still want blood tests ruling out foreign agents in both of you. And I think I'm coming out now to get you just to be on the safe side since you are acting a bit ‘off’ for me to be particularly comfortable with you flying my ship at the moment. But if the labs come back clear Kanan, then..." She shrugs. "At this point, Love, any coherent explanation - even this one, with the sheer tint of weirdness the world has taken on lately, would almost be a relief..." She shrugs her shoulders, helplessly. "Because I never imagined before he came aboard that I would ever say this, Love, but apparently there can actually be too many complete coincidences in the world..." Hera rubs at a lek then, gives him an awkward smile. "And Congrats, I now sound every bit as crazy as the both of you do."

Sitting there, Kanan honestly doesn’t know whether to laugh right now or cry in literal relief. He reaches out instead and puts a hand on the view screen wishing he could touch her. "If you want to come and get us Hera that'd be great, actually. Ezra's doped to the gills on the Amalyn right now and....honestly? I just want to go and crash on the floor next to him for awhile. I know that it's just the bond settling in but..." He shrugs his shoulders a little helplessly. 

"You're having separation anxiety right now when you’re too far apart aren’t you?" Hera questions softly.

Kanan nods his head, a little embarrassed to acknowledge it. “Yes I think I am.”

"Was it the same way with you and Depa? When the two of you first bonded?" 

"Yes and no, Hera...our link started smaller, and built gradually up over time. And of course our link was never broken like Ezra and I's apparently was until..." Kanan lets the words die off sharply. 

"Until she died." Hera finishes for him.

Kanan nods hs head in response. 

“But it felt at least a little similar and gradually settled over time?” 

“Yeah.” He acknowledges again. “And I assume that’s what’ll eventually happen to Ezra and I as well. Well, assuming the Amalyn works and Ezra finally manages to get some decent rest first.”

Hera gives him an agonizing beautiful smile in reply. "Well then go sit with your Padawan, my emotionally constipated Dear One. I'll comm the Phantom again when we're about 30 minutes out. Oh, and Kanan?"

“Yeah?” 

“If Ezra wakes up before we get there and he lets you, feel free to cuddle the stuffing out of him. Because I absolutely guarantee you that an exhausted fourteen-year-old with lingering psychic damage is no less needy or awkward about trying to cope with all these feelings than you are.”

Kanan chuckles in spite of himself, "He keeps telling me repeatedly that he's technically eighteen now, at least experientially. But frankly Hera I'm having more and more of worries about what those years only he has in his head were actually like."

"In what context, Love?"

"It's just...I get the distinct impression he grew up in an active war zone, pretty much exclusively after we found him. Which yes I know happens. Still," He rubs his forehead. "It's a little bit unnerving, Hera, when you find out your Padawan of less than a day - at least in this iteration anyway, apparently once made a deal with Vizago in order to help pull my other self's ass off an Imperial interrogation table back when he was only fifteen years old. Well, his fifteen anyway. Not ours, since he's already strategizing about how to not to let it happen in this timestream."

Hera blinks at that. "He made a deal with who?!"

"Vizago." Kanan quirks his lips a little - he can't help it, it's automatic even as he tilts his head and shakes it because his eyes because they're starting to blur a little. "He wanted me to pass on that you don’t get to yell at him for it, by the way Hera, when you find out about it. As OtherYou apparently already thoroughly covered that reaction."

"Damn right I did." Hera mutters under her breath. "Or at least I better have. Vizago? Really?! What in kriff was he thinking?!"

"I suggest you try not to think about it, at least not too much for now. I'm the one who wanted him talking, Hera, I'll admit it. But I'm rapidly learning too much too fast down that particular road with Ezra leads only to madness. Kanan yawns deeply. "Okay Hera, unless you need anything else I am officially going to go now and crash."

"That's just fine, Love. Just remember before you do to transmit your current coordinates, okay."

"Sending them right now." He yawns yet again. "Hera - look don't worry if we don't actually reply to that thirty-minute notification, all right? As I said Ezra's literally doped to the gills right now - I have no idea when he'll next wake. And depending on where I am in my sleep cycle when you get here...? It was a rough day yesterday. We're not in any danger at the moment, I promise but we're both pretty drained and draggy at the moment."

"Understood. Do you want me to just not notify you two at all? Let you sleep as long as you possibly can?"

Kanan considers this option for a moment, then shrugs. "It's probably better to at least 'knock' before entering The Phantom, Hera. There's at least a chance Ezra will be awake when you guys get here and he's well... pretty volatile at the moment."

"I hadn't noticed." Hera snorts softly, her eyes crinkling up at the corners as she points to her nose to remind him again that his own is broken.

Kanan just chuckles, then sobers, “Hera, please warn Sabine and Zeb that they’re going to need to go a little easy on Ezra for a while okay? He’s not violent or anything like he was last night, but he’s very very raw right now. And though it horrifies him, he's prone to sudden bouts of crying. As in he actually cried after he dropped the toothpaste this morning, at least according to him."

Hera winces at that confession. “Is that something we need to be seriously worried about Kanan?”

“Only if it continues after the bond finishes repairing itself, HEra. Like I said, it’s been a rough couple weeks. He’s running one hell of sleep and mental resources debt right now. It’ll help I think, now that we both know and he’s not committing so many of his mental resources to constantly hiding and or lying about things.”

“…We’re going to have a ‘discussion’ about that with him, Kanan, you do know that right? I mean, he’s been taking some very very big chances, and running some serious gambits trying to keep us out of the loop. And to be honest? I’m still not entirely sure I understand why he's even doing it. I mean beyond the obvious difficulty I do acknowledge comes with beginning this kind of conversation. I mean I’d have thought that he’d have gone one hundred and eighty degrees in the opposite direction in terms of how he’d cope. I wouldn’t have wanted to let you out of my sight for a moment once we reunited if I’d been force to watch you die. I guess I’m just a little bit baffled by his headspace at the moment.”

Kanan sighs again softly, “We already had the beginning of that particular 'talk' earlier this morning, HEra. After which Ezra was so wiped that I sent him back to his bunk with another dose of Amalyn to help with the blowback of so much emotional stress overloading his circuits all at once.”

“And were you able to figure out what the hell he’s been thinking?” Hera tilts her head, studying him carefully.

“Basically? That if he’s smart enough and tactical enough and sacrificial enough – at least as far as he understands the definition of the concepts, that he can just find a way to stop the majority of the trauma he’s still processing from actually occurring to any of us again. Which to be fair, Hera, is a completely natural survival instinct on his part.”

Hera frown, “Kanan there’s nothing ‘natural’ about any of this. I mean I know it’s amazing what the mind can actually cope with when it has too, but assuming that this is all true – and I’m really leaning toward the fact that it is... how in Kark is he even still sane at the moment? Because I’d be practically out of my mind trying to cope with everything!”

Kanan laughs roughly, “Believe me Hera, Ezra isn’t much better off himself. He tends to fluctuate between random bursts of anger or crying and longer periods of what I think is near emotional disassociation. But I’m also ninety-nine percent certain at this point that it also explains why he’s been hitting the liquor so hard. He hasn’t just been self-medicating the pain from the broken psi-link, Hera. He's using the alcohol to help him cope when it all just becomes too much for him emotionally.”

The pilot scowls at that, “Well he’s going to have to dry out Kanan, and soon. He’s too damn young to be tempting fate quite this hard. He’s going to end up genuinely addicted if he's not careful. If he really needs chemical help to deal with all of this even after we know and can help him process, then we'll damn well figure out how to get him a prescription of something instead.”

“I know, Hera,” Kanan reaches up to rub at his eyebrow. “It’s another topic we’ve already touched on already too. I’m not going to say he’s not going to need some chemical assistance for awhile yet…especially when it comes to pain control issues and trouble sleeping, but he’s already been informed he’s not allowed anything mood altering unless I personally dose it out for him from now on?”

“…and am I going to get added to the list of people he can take meds from, Love?” Hera asks after a moment, her eyebrow raised, 

“Of course you are, especially when he’s done with the Amalyn, which has more side effects to keep track of right now which is why I've been handling it, I’m just….” Kanan rubs at his temple, “I’m just trying to train Ezra deliberately back into actually coming to me when he needs help with things. I mean I assume that he did so pretty regularly when he lived with our other selves on the Ghost, but it’s been a long few months for him and…”

“And there’s been some backsliding.”

Kanan nods, shrugging his shoulders. “I suppose it’s not really surprising. It’s an inherent survival mechanism that’s kept him alive and semi-functional while he was trying to hold it together when he was on his own. Now that reinforcements have arrived though it may take us some time to pry his hands off the wheel at the times it really shouldn’t be there again.”

Hera snorts softly at that observation.

Kanan raises an eyebrow at her. “What is it?”

“Nothing, Kanan - it's just that what you’re essentially saying is that he’s going to need to learn – or to relearn in this case - how to function as part of an actual team again. Which is probably what our other selves were trying to teach him too the last time around if this is right about the time that we first encountered him. History may not be exactly the same, My Love but it doesn’t mean that certain themes aren’t still repeating anyway.”

Hmm. Kanan hadn’t really considered the situation from that particular perspective. “Huh. Well, you’re probably right about that, Hera. It certainly makes for one kark of an interesting philosophical discussion. But not one that I think I’m up to at the moment. As I said Ezra’s not the only one who’s brain fried right now. My own bedroll is definitelycalling.

"Then go, Love. Rest up as much as you can. Mother bear Ezra until we get there. It'll make you both feel better. I'll get us back in the air just as soon as I can track down Sabine and Zeb who are currently getting some supplies in the market. We’ll see you both again just as soon as we possibly can."

"Thanks, Hera. Signing out."

"Be well until we see you again, Love."

"You too, Hera." Kanan smiles and then he cuts the connection, yawning deeply for a final time, as he stretches out his arms directly above his head, hearing his shoulder blades pop in reward for the action.

Then he rises from the pilot's chair and goes to assemble what amounts to his own makeshift bedroll on the floor beside Ezra's. The teenager's rolled onto his back sometime in the last few minutes and looks none too comfortable for the change. His forehead is knotted, his lips pursed in pain, his hands are randomly clenching and unclenching in his sleep.

Kanan takes a moment to lay a hand on the dark head, sending a wash of calm and ease down their link, which seems to help considerably, and then he nudges Ezra gently into rolling over onto his stomach for the time being, sinking down after covering the kid up to simply watch him sleep for a couple of moments while he lies there on his side.

And yes, Kanan knows that Ezra is anything but an actual infant, but he can't help wonder for a moment if this is what regular parents feel like those first few nights home from the hospital when they creep into the nursery to watch their newborns sleep.

It's unspeakably easing when everything's done to just sink down and slowly close his own eyes. Lulled by the rare moment of real peace for the first time in weeks, Kanan doesn't consciously register the moment that he falls into sleep.


	14. Dreaming and Waking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While waiting for pickup from the Ghost, Kanan and Ezra have a final dreamscape conversation.

Kanan’s aware that he’s asleep in that odd sort of way that you sometimes are, when you don’t know exactly how you ended up unconscious, but don’t particularly object to your current dreamscape surroundings either. Though on second thought, Kanan ponders looking around for another moment, maybe it’s less his then Ezra’s actual dream.

They’re clearly on Lothal after all – yes. Just nowhere near anywhere Kanan’s ever personally visited. He’s standing on a large rock outcropping right now, looking out over another absolutely glorious moon marked sunrise or sunset. Ezra, is sitting near the edge of the summit, his legs folded under him in a meditative lotus position. The kid's eyes are closed, his face is peaceful, his body is still in a way Kanan rarely truly sees it….and sufficient to that say right now the kid is looking just a little bit… well, different.

"Force Kid! That haircut makes it look like you've been shorn like a sheep!" Kanan murmurs the comment softly, with no small amount of bemused wonder in his voice even as he sinks down next to the younger man. Reaching out to gingerly touch the close-cut hair almost as he can’t quite resist doing so. Because Force yes but does his present hairstyle make Ezra look like a completely different person. The teen quite simply stated looks older now – but also more pared down to the very barest of essentials, for lack of any better way to describe it. Oh, Ezra's still clearly in his teen years, yes, but without his mad mass of floppy hair to soften the lines of his face, there’s something that seems both less naïve and simultaneously far more vulnerable about him. Like the kid simply has no masks anymore to even try and hide behind.

The teenager simply quirks his lips up, though his eyelids remain shut for the time being. "Shhhh, Kanan. In case you failed to notice it, Master, I'm trying to meditate here."

"Keyword being trying." Kanan says dryly, quirking up his own left eyebrow. “Trying to empty your mind when you’re already unconscious, is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom, Ezra. Which I assume that you already know at this point after more then four years of training. Sleep and mindfulness don’t mix Kid. Well unless you’re deliberately courting subconscious revelation anyway. So - this is what you looked before you ‘woke up here’ in this time stream all those weeks ago then?"

Ezra snorts, his eyes still closed, though his posture does relax completely out of formal lotus before he speaks again, "Yes Kanan. This is what I looked like when I hit age eighteen."

Kanan looks him up and down - noting the lightsaber burn on one cheek, the dusting of whiskers now on his cheeks in the likely fading light of the day. “Wow...You’re pretty tall, Kid. I guess you don’t end up with your mother’s frame after all.”

Ezra snorts softly at the comment. “No, Kanan. I really don’t. And truthfully, Master, I never really expected that I would even when we talked about it before. My mom gave me my eye color, yeah, and a lot of people who knew her personally say that I also have distinct flashes of both her way with words and her normally well leashed temper. From what little I remember of our family photos before the albums were destroyed when the Bucketheads raided our house though, I’m a near-perfect physical match of early photographs of my Dad.”

Kanan nods at that, dropping his hand from Ezra’s head at last. “I have to admit Kid: it’s a little eerie actually hearing you talk when you look this way. I don’t know if I’ll ever completely unsee this version you in any future conversations we have.”

His Padawan opens blue eyes and looks down at his own body for a long moment, and then his lips quirk up ironically. “Tell me about it! I just got used to being back to a smaller size again. I figured it’d be a few years yet before I’d be seeing this partcular me in the mirror again.” He shrugs, “But oh, well, it could always be worse. At least I didn’t get dumped back before puberty. Not only would the wait for you guys have been a whole lot longer in that case, but I literally can’t imagine what’d have been like trying to go from eighteen to seven or nine or something. Talk about a nightmare. I mean yeah now I know that I’ll have to wait to get my height and weight back to where it was before, but it’ll all come in slowly and steadily. Unlike the uneven completely random growth spurs that I had to deal with in the very beginning of my preteens."

Kanan considers this statement, then nods. "Yeah, I can see how you might get weirded out by that idea. Still..." Kanan looks him up and down, “I suppose I can at least be comforted by the fact that even if you’re going to challenge me on height pretty karking quickly, at this age you’re still way scrawnier than I am. Though the more honest description is probably that you're ‘more reedy.’"

Ezra let's out a tiny little huff of laughter at that. “That’s one way to look at it.” He chuckles again,

"What's so funny?" Kanan asks tilting his head.

Ezra waves a hand at him. "Nothing, Master. It’s kind of hard to explain the humor, really."

Kanan raises an eyebrow curious, “Try anyway?”

“All right. Well…appearance wise you and I sort of flip-flopped by the time I turned eighteen, Kanan. At least in some contexts…”

"Well I'm not assuming that I'd gotten any shorter by that point so..."

"No. You definitely didn’t. But at the same time that I close-cut my hair, Kanan you stopped shaving so much and kept on growing out both your hair and your beard. Admittedly probably just because it was easier to maintain it that way in the crazy lives we were living. It’s just…well you got a lot hairier all over just generally speaking, Kanan. To the degree that a squadron I used to fly with on occasion took to teasingly called you Master Grizzly - at least behind your back."

Kanan snorts at that. "I have to admit I really can’t picture that when you describe it. Though I suppose I should be glad to know that after four years of training you, I wasn't left completely bald from stress shedding. Which up until now has seemed a far more likely scenario."

Ezra rolls his eyes. Kanan nudges him with an elbow. " So, what made you ultimately decide to chop all your hair off? Did it just get to be too much work? Or did you get sick of having to deal with the constant maintenance haircuts? I remember I let mine grow out in my twenties for pretty much the same sort of reason."

Ezra shakes his head slightly, and shifts a little uneasily, chewing his lip quietly for a moment, before finally speaking once gain, "My hair went for two reasons actually if I’m completely honest about it Kanan. The first was piloting and the second was penance."

“Penance? For what?” Kanan feels his brow knot up in confusion.

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders, turning to look at the horizon before continuing. "I was responsible for the very serious injury of a very close friend of mine. They didn’t see it that way of course, but it still took me a very, very long time to be able to let go of the guilt I felt about it and it just felt right to cut it," Ezra shrugs, “Cutting off one’s hair as a sign of either contrition or of mourning, it’s a very Lotholian thing to do, Kanan. I can’t really explain the context of it any better than that it’s just...something that we do. And no matter what else I’ve ever been in my life, or will be, Kanan, I have always been Lotholian. "

Kanan nods at that, making a mental note to inquire about the custom a little bit more in depth if he ever meets another native Lotholian who might have some additional insight to offer on the subject. He finds the idea interesting on any number of levels, not the least of which is how such a tradition might interact with other Lotholian traditions involving head coverings. He and Hera have been to this planet a handful of times over the years, but Kanan’s never made all that much of an effort to make an in-depth study of their specific cultural traditions. Which he should probably get around to changing just as soon as possible seeing as how his Padawan had literally spent his first fourteen years immersed up to his neck in them.

“So…your friend? Is it okay for me to ask what eventually happened to him or her? I mean I assume from the way that you phrased it that they lived?”

“Yeah. Thank force. For awhile longer, anyway before falling with several other allies during one of our biggest missions. I…. Look I promise I’ll tell you more about that at some point, Kanan, really I will. I’m just…a bit to wiped right now to dig into it more currently, okay?”

“Fair enough." Kanan agrees, "So..." Kanan looks around him, deliberately changing the subject. "Should I be proud or kind of worried about our schedules in the days still to come if you literally have to dream up time to meditate? "

Ezra snickers again. "Oh, my dreams aren’t always this way. I promise that much, Kanan. It's just..."

"Yes?"

His Padawan shrugs, "Life can be a wild ride sometimes that's all, Kanan. It only seems fair that when you do make it into a bunk for more than a couple of hours of downtime you ought to at least try and multitask while you’re out. Besides, Kanan - this kind of a moment is a rush sometimes, just as much as it’s also relaxing." The boy's smirk turns distinctly whimsical then, "I mean it's not comparable to flying with the Purgil or anything but then," Ezra shrugs. "In my own experience very little else ever has been or will be."

"You've been flying with Purgil?" Kanan blinks in response to that particular confession.

Ezra turns back to Kanan then, his smile positively beaming, "Yeah! And for the record, Master, they're absolutely awesome! I think that if I could have found a way to do it more often I would have done so in a heartbeat...but you can’t exactly keep them as pets. They're seriously the wildest of truly wild things. Just knowledge and passion and instinct all in this inseparable ball of centuries upon centuries of life lived while traveling through space. Way, way smarter than anyone who sees them at first would probably ever first imagine."

“You make it sound like you could understand them…” Kanan observes quietly.

“I could, for a little while, anyway.”

"You must have quite the natural talent for connection then." Kanan murmurs softly, making a mental note to research the Holocron when he next can for information specifically about that Force gift in particular and those in Jedi history who have been particularly talented at it.

"I'm...generally pretty good at it, yeah. Unless the subject in question is Spiders." Ezra shudders. “I admit to being more than slightly arachniphobic.”

“It happens to the best of us." Kanan informs him with a shrugs, "When I was a kid still in training myself back at the Temple I used to find tight spaces triggering. Can’t exactly say why though.”

Ezra nods at that. Then he chews his lip. “Kanan, not that you’re not welcome or anything - at least at the moment. I still have to ask though: how is it that you’re even in my dream? Or at least I assume that that’s what’s literally happening? OtherKanan and I…we couldn’t do this as far as I can remember. Is it just because I’m not shielding as heavily as normal or that you’re not…? I’m not like mad about it or anything, just…”

“You're curious?”

Ezra nods. “And a little bit concerned to be truthful, Kanan. As I said you being here, now, it’s fine. But…well… I don’t always have the calmest or safest of dreams for anyone to just be wandering around in like this.”

Kanan reaches out a hand and squeezes Ezra’s shoulder briefly. “Don’t worry, Kid. I know to keep my eyes open in anyone else’s head. Force in my own head half the time. That said, Ezra, once the link settles in more and we’re both back to more regular levels of shielding it won’t probably happen all that often. You’re just very naturally talented at connection as I was saying earlier Ezra…”

Ezra’s lips quirk up a little wryly at that. “And is that a good or a bad thing?”

“That really depends on who you ask. I’ll say this much though, back in the old days your apparent level of talent - if you can actually communicate meaningfully with Purgil - would have made you seriously tasty prey for recruitment into groups like the Mind Healers, the Creche Staff or the Negotiating Pools.”

Ezra snickers aloud at that particular idea. “As in scientific or political work? Hardly." the teenager snorts, "I’m a pilot, a fighter and a *thief,* Kanan. As well as a decent guard dog just by practical assignment. All three of the other jobs you just mentioned are kind of hugely outside of my purview at the moment.”

Kanan frowns at that claim a little. “No, Ezra. They’re not. Or rather they wouldn’t have been in a world where your primary duty hadn’t just been surviving. You certainly seem to have the innate intelligence Kid, to have studied and succeeded in any of those three jobs at least as far as I can tell. Though I think I know you well enough by now to be fairly sure that you’d also have personally preferred and been happiest in a job that’s both active and hands-on as opposed to largely academic.”

Ezra’s lips quirk, “Look, no offense, but I was literally *born* on Empire Day, Kanan. As the first and only child of two dyed in the wool Lotholian resistance leaders. Even after they were taken, irritating Imperials has always been well, less my hobby then it is my self-appointed calling. My history – well to borrow an old saying, Kanan, it is what it is. I am, I suspect at least, what I was always going to be.” Ezra ducks his head down a little, blushing, ”Though on the other hand, maybe that sounds arrogant when I put it this way and that’s not…. I’m really not trying to blow the idea off. I just…I somehow really doubt that I’d ever have been anything else but what I am already in the universe in which we happen to live. “

“And what are you then, in your own words exactly?”

Ezra shrugs his shoulder a little bit, “I’m a sword or a shield arm to those I meet who need it. A shoulder and a sounding board to my friends and my allies when that's what they need me to be. A sentinel who keeps one eye on the horizon…well, I at least try to when I can actually manage to make sense of my dreams anyway. Mostly I’m just…I don’t know….whatever the Force and those who I care about seem to need me to be at the time.”

Kanan’s lips quirk up, “The word that you’re looking for right now is ‘Jedi’, Ezra.”

Ezra expression twitches just a little, then he shrugs, “Maybe, Master. We’ll have to see.”

Kanan frowns at that pronouncement. “Kid that’s not a recruitment quip, that’s like… better than half of the knight’s pledge you just spouted back to me there...” On complete accident apparently Kanan can't help but note.

“And a centaur is half of a horse, Kanan. Like I already said, Master, we’ll just gonna have to wait and see.”

“I take it you’ve been doubting the path that you’re on these past few years?” Kanan makes a regretful sort of face at that admission. “Kid…after the last few months that’s basically normal. Almost anyone sane who lived through what you just did would be having some doubts about their current life path.”

“It’s not that Kanan…well at least not exactly anyway.”

“Then what to do you mean? And for the record, Ezra, I’m asking completely non-judgmentally. I’m not calling you out on the rug here or anything…I just want to better understand your viewpoint. I mean it’s normal to have questions about the path as we progress further and further on in the journey.”

“It’s not the questions I have, it’s the answers that I keep getting from other people that really worry me, Kanan.”

“Meaning?”

“Just...that so many people I’ve met in recent years act like it’s all so black and white, Kanan. Especially among the resistance. Who yes, I’ve interacted with the most admittedly in the past few years. Still, I’ve been around long enough myself – and seen enough different people and their choices and viewpoints to realize that real life is a kriff of a lot more complex than almost anyone I’ve met so far’s oversimplified personal philosophy. There’s a whole world of grey between what amounts to very thin strips of black and white out there.”

Ezra shrugs one more time, toying with the heel of his left boot, “And look - I know Jedi philosophy, Kanan – I really truly do. Well as much of it as you and your Holocron from Master Billaba could find the time to teach me anyway. And I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or rebellious when I say this. But Kanan? I’m honestly not sure it’s all the right stuff for me. There are...conflicts truthfully. Serious issues that I have with some of the major tenets. Kriff, Kanan on top of that the Temple may not even actually admit me anymore, whenever we do get around to actually trying again. Because let’s be honest Master, I’m *not* the kid who passed a trial and got his first crystal at fourteen anymore, I’m really not. Granted I’m not all that changed either, I don't think. I do know both myself and the world both better than I used to now though and I won’t - I can’t - just give up certain things at this point in my life in good conscience. Not that I’m saying that I’m not willing to listen, or hear other peoples’ perspectives and maybe change my own from time to time as I learn more about life along the way.” Ezra shrugs his shoulders- again something very close to helplessly. “But that admitted I’m not going to walk the path of the Jedi, Kanan. I can’t in good conscience, if the cost of doing so is going to involve having to kill off personal defining parts of what I now am coming to realize make 'me' actually me .”

Ezra lips twitch up again at that, as he glances over at Kanan than back out at the sky again. “And don’t I just sound like a literal cesspool of teenage angst and melodramatic puberty when I say that too. Just to make the whole things ten times worse. At least from my perspective anyway. I swear to kriff I hate puberty, Kanan. Eighteen was hands down easier than fourteen, hormonally.”

Kanan looks at Ezra, then for a very, very long time silently. Then he asks a very simple question, again as non-judgementally as he can currently manage it. ”Ezra, is this…? Was this topic anything you ever really discussed with OtherMe before he died?”

“Sort of. A little. Maybe. Certainly never this explicitly. There was never really the time for it. As I said there was a war on, Kanan – and there was always another mission – another round of necessary duty calling. It just didn't seem important.”

“Ezra look at me.” Kanan’s voice is both gentle and calm.

The teenager obeys, looking a little bit hesitant when he does so as if braced to get yelled at. “Yeah?”

“War or not? Duty or not? As your master? This conversation – dealing with these kind of questions and concerns? *It is* my karking ‘duty.’ And I’ll tell you right now, Kid, if you’d ever pulled him aside and he’d realized how much you’ve apparently knotted yourself up over everything you just said, OtherMe would have said the exact same kriffing thing.”

Ezra shrugs again, “Like I said, we were in the middle of a war Kanan. Seriously! He didn’t need to cope with adolescent melodrama on top of the weight of missions and the threat of constant death that we were all always under. The last thing he needed to put up with was a…”

“Teenager?”

“Yeah.”

Kanan rolls his eyes heavenwards sighing softly, “Yeah well kid, reality check for you here okay?! Whether you are fourteen or eighteen or somewhere in the middle you’re technically still *in* your teens! And Ezra you’re entitled to a few rights of adolescent passage! Worldview testing, self-analysis and some self-redefinition being three of the biggest on that list.”  
Ezra sighs deeply, “…If you say so, Kanan.”

“I do… And as for what you said above about having to have it all figured out to enter a Jedi Temple, much less become a Jedi Padawan? Ezra no one ever said – or they shouldn’t have at least, that to be a Jedi you can’t have doubts or even just have hard questions you need answered. I mean Force, Kid…the primary difference between a cult and a stable belief system is that the later actually encourages and *stands up to* honest testing while the first collapses under the pressure of real examination. Kriff, Ezra, sometimes it’s not even the concept that a person is wrestling with that’s really the problem in most cases but simply the way in which they’ve incorrectly or only partially perceived it. Which can only be resolved ultimately *through* further discussion. Complex or multifaceted issues sometimes take awhile for people to understand. You having these kinds of questions isn’t rebellious at all on your part Ezra, just the opposite really. It’s just sign of greater growth and maturity – proof that your journey on the path is progressing!”

Ezra shrugs, “Maybe so. Still for the record Kanan, I feel as if I ought to tell you that I’m sorry or something for all of this.”

“For what exactly?” Kanan asks, scratching his head – though he has a pretty good hunch he knows where Ezra’s next words are actually going.

The teenager shrugs, “For saddling you with a training link to a Padawan who doesn’t even know for sure if he’s meant to be an actual Jedi anymore, Kanan. You didn’t exactly get the sit-down talk of full disclosure before our bond reforged about my stance on all of this now did you?” The teenager's lips quirked up wryly. “I mean if I’d have gone the route of telling you guys the truth outright, then I’d like to think that I’d have done that much preferably before things couldn’t be undone, so to speak. Because you certainly didn’t ask for a student with my obvious and lingering levels of uncertainty.”

‘And you didn’t ask to watch my OtherSelf die, Ezra, or for the bond to break and shred the inside of your head the way it did. Or to grow up in what looks like a constant war zone.’ Kanan thinks to himself with a sigh before finally verbally replying again, “Look Kid, I have another question for you. When I first offered you training in your originating timeline, did I ever even *once* imply that I was demanding an unshakeable lifetime commitment from you to the Path of the Jedi ? Even if said path went against your personal ethics or instincts down the road?”

Ezra blinks, “No, of course not, Kanan.”

“Good. Because if I had, Ezra then I would have been an asshole, and I hope to kriff that you’d have turned and run a thousand miles an hour the kark away from me! Demanding the surrender of one’s conscience in order to gain more power isn’t a Jedi tenant, Ezra. Just the opposite really - it’s a blatantly *Sith* philosophy! After all, as we both know power without ethical limitations only corrupts you!" 

“Huh.” Ezra blinks at that a moment. “I didn’t really think of it that way.”

“And I apparently never got the chance to point the fact out to you in your originating timestream Era, because I was apparently so focused on other things I was unaware of the conflict you were facing. And you Kid- admittedly for the noblest of stupid ass reasons, never bothered to just simply sit down and ask me. Which for the record, Ezra? For Force sakes, don’t ever do again - especially ‘for my sake’ anyway. As I said coming to me with this kind of stuff’s not being a bother. That’s the description of a Master’s karking job- whether in the middle of war time or in peace. Let me tell you, my own Master Depa certainly didn’t let her stint in the GAR ever stop her from providing the same kind of sounding board to me.”

Ezra side-eyes him quietly for a second or so then, “You’re really not at all upset about what I just admitted then?”

“Upset no. Concerned that you’ve been clearly struggling with the subject all alone, instead of sharing so other people could help you, yes I guess that I am am a little bit. But Ezra, even so I can’t very well get pissed at you for having doubts or asking questions. After all as your teacher, after all, it’s my job show you the path. Or more than just one of them, if there are several moral options available I suppose, and it’s also my responsibility to teach you the skills you need to navigate the road in question as you walk it according to your current level of capability and emotional growth. But it’s you who's ultimately got to be the one who does all the choosing. And just so long as you’re clearly in tune while you’re doing so, and you’re not being blatantly manipulated by anyone or anything, than I have trust that the Force to give you what you need to choose wisely. Because after all kid, your path isn’t meant to be completely identical to mine now is it. It’s just meant to run parallel and hopefully for as long as possible, concurrently.”

“Huh.” Ezra says after a moment of reflection. “I must be really getting better at this philosophy kark or something after all. Because you just sounded a lot like Master Yoda there essentially, Kanan. At least after a fashion. And yet that all still made basic sense to me.” His lips quirk up distinctly wryly then.

“Great, then how about you answer a question for me now?”

“If I can, sure.”

“Why did you have Chopper drive you out to the Temple at all, Ezra, yesterday? I mean if you had these kind of doubts that you’d be allowed in?”

Ezra rolls his eyes heavenward. “Well that’s easy, Master. I know at least some of what’s coming, Kanan, and I miss my lightsaber! Like *a lot.* I’d be stupid to not try to get back at this point, even if I don’t successfully get entrance into the Temple when I do try. Because a) I still intend to help as many people as I possibly can, which I think was a huge part of how I got my original crystal the last time around Kanan. Not to even mention that I am particularly fond - kriffed head or not - of not dying! The Inquisitorius, the ISF, kark most of the force damned universe doesn’t care if I’m technically a Jedi or not at this point Kanan! I’m dead just by association by now. If they know that I’m a force sensitive, then like it or not they’re going to be coming for me – to kill me or better yet co-opt me as their weapon if they can. And since staying hidden was never really an option for me…” Ezra shrugs, “I have to do whatever I can to prevent that from happening.”

“It could have been an option for you Ezra – staying hidden I mean. If you’d just stayed off Imperial radar. If you’d let the rest of us handle rescuing the Wookies and just maintained your current level of personal shielding.” Kanan points this fact out very very softly.

Ezra snorts softly, “Kittwar would be *dead* if I had done that, Kanan! And yeah, while it’s true that I’m fond of not dying that doesn’t mean I’m just going to let some innocent kid who needed my help die in my place instead. If only because I have to live with myself in the aftermath of that decision! Or not live with myself, I suppose possibly, technically speaking.”

“Meaning what?” Kanan narrows his eyes a little bit at that comment.

Ezra shrugs his shoulders a little, “I just mean that the worst might happen, yeah. But that’d be okay from my perspective. Sacrifice and unhinged martyrdom aren’t always the same thing after all Kanan. The former in particular can be done, or at least I’d assume that it can anyway, with the right intent and reasons in play by the person who’s losing their life. So long as it is all done mindfully – with the person dying well aware of everyone’s worth in the specific situation.“ Ezra shrugs a little then, “Or perhaps better stated, as I put it to Hera the other day…”

“All lives have to count, or eventually none of them do.” Kanan paraphrases Ezra’s previous statement softly and the teenager looks over at Kanan, nodding. “Yes. Exactly! My life isn’t worth less than Kittwar’s, Kanan and it certainly isn’t worth more. But Master, if I hadn’t gone along on that mission and saved him then I would have been betraying that particular philosophy in that situation. Because after all as an innocent kid with no fighting experience at all Kittwar didn’t have a chance alone against Kallus and those Storm Troopers. Whereas against the Inquisitorius and ISF with my training, I do stand a chance. Not a good chance maybe no, but hey, as they say it on the street, 'you pays your money, you takes your chances.' No one’s actually forcing me to live by this particular code of honor, so I get to shoulder both the pros and and the cons of my own ethics if the resulting effects are particularly dangerous or stupid.”

Kanan honestly can’t help it then. He starts to laugh – hard enough that he’s practically wheezing. “Hey!” Ezra glares at his master a little insulted in reaction. “I’m sitting and pouring my heart out. And what do you do in return? You sit there and laugh. Like a karking asshole!” The fourteen year old’s look turns distinctly pouty then.

“I’m sorry, Kid.” Kanan manages to get out, between guffaws of laughter. “It’s just well , do you ever stop and, well…*listen to yourself*?! And you claim that you’re not a Jedi!”

"Yup. I listen to myself all the time, Kanan. Muddled Street-rat-ese, I know." Ezra shrugs apparently ignoring the rest of Kanan’s statement at least for the time being. "Which is probably why so few people actually listen to me most of the time if I face up to it honestly. Well except you now of course, and OtherYou and the OtherSpecters in the other timeline. OtherHera once told me that I am plenty wise, once you take the time to get to know me but that I, unfortunately, speak as if I’m pretty badly under-educated. Thanks to my rather scattered academic record I mean. Not that I didn't try and catch up when there was time last time around... Thank kriff for your holocron, and the Rebellion base's audiobook library, Kanan."

Kanan's eyes narrow yet again at that particular admission. "Kid -I've got a question for you?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever get any serious questions about your reading skills - or handwriting or spelling ones for that matter. In the old timeline I mean, from either OtherHera or myself?"

Ezra snorts, rolling his eyes heavenward, "Well Hera got sick of my chicken scratch on a semi-regular basis, yes. And gave me pretty much constant kriff about my spelling in memos. Not to mention that I swear to Force Kanan that she probably threw no less than six different handwriting programs at me over the years. Usually after trying to read my mission reports or as part of an ongoing ‘schooling push’ or punishment regimen. They never helped all much though honestly, no matter how dillgent I was about them. Other you," Ezra shrugs, "...didn’t seem to care so much about what I’d called ‘regular academics’– but then to be fair our day to day lives on the Ghost didn’t exactly require that I take very many tests or write a lot of papers. I could always buy what I needed, fix what broke as necessary, that sort of thing, not to mention always made decent strides in sparring and force skill training. When I needed to give reports Kanan, by the end I of things anyway, I just used my data pad’s text to speech with the autocorrect on or I just reported off orally for someone else to transcribe when that was an option. But like I said we were living in a war zone not at any kind of academy."

Kanan winces in reply to that, because again this is all sounding very very familiar. "Ezra did they ever evaluate you - or have anyone else do it, for something called Dyslexia, that you remember?"

Ezra's brow wrinkles up. "I don't think so, no. But then again Kanan we didn't exactly have a lot of funds for extra medical tests like that. Truthfully life was pretty hard, pretty much hand to mouth when I first came aboard the Ghost, at least initially. Especially when the Inquistorius in particular starting hunting us in earnest and our available job pool shrunk a ton as a result. Later on..." Ezra shrugs again. "If you’re really that worried about it then I can tell you that I had all the basic testing for vision and hearing and a full blood panel once we joined up officially as a squadron with the rebellion as part of my fleet physical.” The teenager frowns then, looking distinctly thoughtful, “Speaking of which, Kanan - we should probably try check into that again next time it's even vaguely fiscally doable if we can. Because I know that I popped hot for a particular illness back when I was sixteen or so last time around and that Hera literally flipped her lid for awhile when she first found out about the results. I mean it wasn’t something that was dangerous to any of the rest of you contagion wise as far as I remember anyway, but she was pissed as kriff that it took so long to get said illness identified and then then to finally get me started on all the recommended treatments."

"Which illness exactly was it, Ezra?" Kanan asks him frowning deeply at this sudden new burst information.

"Um....Hepatitis I think? Or at least I’m pretty sure that's what it was called anyway. It effects the liver I remember that much. I can’t remember for certain though, whether it was strain A, B, or C that I had actually contracted.” The teenager wrinkles his nose, “Just that the meds I took for it once it was diagnosed made me constantly throw up half of what I ate for like a month, and that when we first found out that I had it at all Hera got very quiet for several days and then after that stomped around for weeks while I completed the treatment for it really, really *really* pissy.”

Yes, if Ezra had in fact had Hepatitis for 2 years in their care and they just hadn't noticed? Kanan can well imagine.

“And you, Kanan..."

"And I what?" Kanan arches a brow, curious how his other self had reacted to the news as well.

Ezra actually shrugs, snorting softly. "You actually apologized for some completely nonsensical reason! Like it was your fault I got sick when the scans showed that I'd had it by that point for like...half a decade at least. And as soon as it was discovered, you all made sure that I damn well got any and all treatment needed. Whether I wanted it or not initially." Ezra rolls his eyes heavenward then. "I swear to Force Kanan – during the treatment regimen, I was like two hours late once, taking one of the doses. Like I said they made me gurky, big time at first, so I wasn’t what you’d call a fan of the stuff. And when Sabine found out what I’d done she literally threatened to gut me and hang me up in the cargo bay if I ever did it deliberately again. Which was seriously counterproductive if you ask me, since the whole point of all of it was supposedly just to get me healthy again."

Ezra waves the thought off with a hand, "But anyway. Bygones. It's not like it was actually this world’s Sabine after all. I just figure, you know, that since I already know this time around, maybe if we take care of it earlier, then when Hera inevitably finds out about it she'll be less inclined to have a bantha in response to the information or something."

Uhm no. Kanan can pretty much deny that assumption with about one thousand percent certainty. She’ll be just as angry about the issue, albeit for a group of very different sorts of reasons. But hey on the bright side, Kanan figures, at least in this case Ezra’s time traveler past will help them all avoid a lot of pointless angst and drama about providing unintentionally insufficient medical treatment . Kanan draws in a deep breath, “Well I guess that answers one of the questions that Hera asked me the other day…”

“That question being?”

“Where I want to start looking for new jobs. The answer at this point is clearly, ‘somewhere with a decent medical clinic.’”

Ezra sighs a little at that. “Well that’s probably going to have to wait at least for a little while, Kanan. That kind of care is expensive as Sith Spit here on Lothol. The Imperials jacked up the price of everything, between the increased tariffs and all the extra red tape involved in following all the new imperial medical regulations. Not to even mention that they shut down everyone legitimate who didn’t follow all the regulations absolutely religiously. And as for most of illegitimate options that are left for people like us?” He shudders hard, clearly remembering earlier visits, “They all mostly involve the kind of people, prices and sanitary conditions that I’d frankly prefer to avoid if I’m not literally dying already. Seriously Kanan, I’ll take the Hepatitis over the south side chop shop in this city, any day of the week.”

“Well then our next mission is going to have to be on a different planet then.” Kanan informs him, absolutely unbent by this rush of information.

Ezra frowns, “But there’s still so much stuff here on planet that we need to deal with Kanan, within the next couple of mon…”

Kanan firmly cuts him off, “Most of that ‘stuff’ as you put it is going to have to karking *wait,* Ezra. At least until you’re covered in terms of basic required medical treatment. Kriff, Kid- Hepatitis is noncommunicable yes, if you’ve had the standard galactic series of childhood inoculations, but it's also not anything to mess with if you confirmedly have it. It can seriously damage your liver if left untreated, even under the best of living conditions. Which you haven’t exactly been handing it in recent days, have you Ezra? With all your hit and run binge drinking as of late.”

Thank kriff, Kanan can’t help but think considering this new bit of medical information, that Amalyn filters out through the kidneys just like morphine does. Though he’s also going to have to look up the treatment reccs for Hepatitis in the meantime just to make surethat they’re meeting the treatment standards in terms of adequate hydration and other possible dietary limitations until they can get Ezra looked at more carefully. 

Ezra’s face screws up at this apparent revelation. “Kriff…this is probably going to shove Hera straight back into dietary supplement mode again when she finds that out isn’t it?” The teenager buries his face in his hands, groaning aloud. “Just kill me now Kanan. It’d be kinder. Seriously.”

The look that Kanan tosses Ezra in response to that is dry. Because, yup, that’s definitely the fourteen rather than the eighteen year old in the kid’s tone yet again. “And you accuse me of being melodramatic about things.”

Ezra half glares at his master, “It’s not melodramatic or paranoid on my part, Kanan, if they are in fact out to get you. I’m telling you, Kanan: the Hera in my originating time-stream was on her best of days more than a little obsessive about that sort of thing. Which would have been fine if the trait got spread evenly among the other five of us, I guess. Except for some reason? The only one who she ever really harassed about it was me. For over a year on a near constant basis until she decided I’d hit growth and health standard according to both her and the doctors. Seriously, Master?! Whatever happened to sharing one’s burdens in a family?!”

Ezra’s tone is so disgruntled at that confession that Kanan literally can’t help it - his lips curl upward again in reaction, as he shakes his head and chuckles, reaching out in order to squeeze Ezra’s shoulder gently in reply. “She’ll ease off eventually, Kid, I promise. Just let her get her feet under her Look, Ezra, Hera’s just very pragmatic and practical in the ways that she tries to ‘help’ other people she cares about with their problems. Especially when she’s also actively worried about them. She’s not actually trying to drive you crazy, Ezra, I promise. In fact if anything I’d say it’s probably far more likely that she’s just basically replicating what little ‘doting behavior’ she recalls from her own brief memories of her own childhood with her mother before she passed. I know Hera’s commented that her Mom was a real stickler – unlike her dad – about what she could and couldn’t eat when she was little.”

Ezra blinks at that, cursing softly in reaction to that new bit of information. There’s no heat in the reply really however, instead there’s something much like chagrin on his face and in his tone. “Well knowing that now Kanan, I’m not even going to grump about it without feeling like a jerk anymore, am I? That wasn’t very kind of you, Master.”

“This hasn’t been a week for kindness, really. Or even the month for it, for the matter. Or at least that’s how Hera put it earlier this week.” Kanan informs his Padawan in return, very very dryly.

Ezra nods in agreement at that, his face screwing up in an apologetic grimace. “Yeah I know. And I know that a lot of that was probably on me too. For which I apologize, Kanan.”

“That takedown you gave us all the other day, Ezra - but Hera, Sabine and Zeb in specific. They’re still dealing with some serious psychological bruising from it, Kid. Hera, in particular, is still smarting over the fact that you not only called her on a major personal blind spot, but you also openly called her a zealot. Given some issues she's had with her own dad in her past, I believe she referred to it earlier as the equivalent of getting a philosophical spanking.”

Ezra winces, “Force, Kanan, I really shouldn’t’ve…Kark I’m sorry…”

“Yes. You should have, Ezra." Kanan interrupts, "I actually need to thank you for your little speech earlier, if I’m perfectly honest about it. Look, most people run from the truth because they know it isn’t pleasant after all most of the time, but that doesn’t mean said truth isn’t needed. This may sound counter-intuitive Kid, …but you helped us all in the long run, even if we got a bit bruised up by the initial delivery.”

“How so?” Ezra honestly doesn’t see that he’d dropped any real deep nuggets of truth or insight there. Just actually voiced what retrospective made obvious. At least from his own perspective.

“You made us stop and actually examine our decision through a different lens Ezra, by forcing us to face up to some things we’ve been conveniently avoiding about the ways that we’ve chosen to live or to think. You weren’t wrong at all about the danger of allegiance to causes instead of moral codes and how the former can blind you sometimes. Not to mention that you were absolutely right to call us out in particular on the hypocrisy of our deciding how to respond to Zeb’s betrayal of you by voting instead of just insisting on returning because it was what our own previous action had morally demanded.” Kanan sighs, “As I said what you said was mostly true Ezra. It desperately needed to be said. I just wish that the whole thing wasn’t also going to colored by the fact that your reasons for doing so were actually so manipulative. Because truth - especially partial truth - which we both know yours was- tends to lose a lot its potency when it gets tied to advancing someone else’s personal agendas. As it is right now kid, you spoke the truth, yes, but I still don’t know if the truth that came out of your mouth is going to stick quite as hard in the long run as the reasons why you chose to say it in the first place.”

Ezra expression grows weary, as he shrugs his shoulders, nearly helpless. “Yeah, well it was the last best weapon I could think of at the time, Master. I was more than a little bit desperate, remember. Nothing else I tried was working. I needed a believable reason for why I wanted to detach. If I’d been a slightly different kind of kid the first time around than honestly that’s probably exactly what would have karking happened but at my real fourteen I was actually pretty kriffing desperate. Not to mention smart enough to know that I stood no chance, trust issues or no, on my own against the entire ISF. This time around, though the argument legitimately seemed like my best excuse for blowing all of you guys off because it was an argument that that I figured Hera would have real trouble seriously contradicting, so I just went with it for lack of any better option.” Now the teenager’s snort turns distinctly wry then, “Not that it actually helped me all that much, now did it, Kanan, considering the deal Hera cut with me afterward, and the way that the rest of you spent the week after that basically essentially emotionally torturing me. Though I suppose that it was ultimately Chopper own particular turn at ‘truth-telling’ that finally the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.”

Kanan reaches out a hand then to gently flick his Padawan's forehead. “That would be because truth in its pure form is meant to function as a *light* Ezra, not as a weapon. Though for the records Chopper wasn’t using truth on you so much Ezra, as much as straight up psychological manipulation. Which he and I will be talking about at lenth later on. Also: while you can definitely argue better than most people I’ve met of your age at this point Ezra you clearly haven’t had quite my level of logic courses on how to see through argumentative fallacies yet. “

Ezra nods, “I was just looking for something that I thought would work…as I just said, Kanan. I just needed believable argument. It was mostly just luck that on my first round up up in the Tower I actually found it.”

“That you did. Your words had a profound and likely permanent effect. Though Ezra, just be warned that some point one or more of the rest of us will eventually get around to replying to that ‘speech’ of yours – to rebutting it in certain contexts and or scaffolding off of it for our own purposes. And seeing as how you’re not going anywhere anytime soon now Kid, and that Hera and Zeb and Sabine'll have more time to think as a result, you better be prepared when the day arrives, for one or all of the three of them to eventually turn around and metaphorically hand you back your own ass.”

Ezra’s smile is very wry. “You already managed a plenty good start on that all on your own, Master. Earlier this morning, with your whole justification of grounding; thing. I mean yes, rationally I know karking well that you were right. That I was majorally out of line doing what I did, and that I shouldn’t have done it, it’s just, I don’t know….”

Kanan's smile is sympathetic, “That for you right now, rationality in that particular subject keeps on coming in and out of the building?”

Ezra shrugs clearly embarrassed and then nods yet again. “Yes. And look, I’m fully willing to admit that it’s a problem, Kanan. But I still have no clue at all, how to actually go about stopping it.”

“Admitting it’s a problem at all is a start Ezra, and so is actually giving the ‘why’ of it all a name.”

“Fine. “ Ezra snorts, his tone self derisive, “Then right now I clearly have a growing stupidity problem.”

Kanan elbows him gently in response, his eyes compassionate. “Bzzzt! Sorry Bridger. Wrong answer. Please try again.”

“Then what the kark would you call it, Kanan?” Ezra asks him almost sulkily. Clearly torn between just wanting to pout about the entire situation and actually wanting some kind of coherent explanation.

Kanan looks over at the younger man then, calm and sympathetic, “A trauma based inclination toward unhealthy rationalization? Severe and lingering mental trauma from a kriff-load of ongoing massive psychic damage? Not to even mention probable PTSD from both having to watch OtherMe die and your sudden bout of involuntary time travel with its twin friends severe anxiety and basic depression?”

The look that Ezra shoots him back in response to that is thoroughly unimpressed with all of the above. “I think I prefer to just stick with ‘stupidity.’ If nothing else Kanan, it’s faster.”

Kanan snorts softly yet again, reaching out to squeeze Ezra's shoulder gently again. “Maybe so, Kid, but you’ve got to diagnose the disease properly, not to mention admit to its actual causes and existence if you’re ever going to find the right treatment to actually help you start to cope with things.”

The look that the teenager shoots him is distinctly wry. “I hate to break it to you Master, but I’m pretty Force-damned sure that at this point that there is no cure for what’s actually wrong with my head at this point so much as a serious case of, ‘It’s broke but you still went ahead and bought it.’ To be fair Master, I tried to warn you guys all straight away – albeit subtly, that the stray you were trying to lure back to The Ghost was more than a little bit nuts. Not to mention technically not even up for sale. But then you all had to go and get idealistic and shoplift the little crazy-ass sucker anyway. And now? We all get to live with the consequences of that decision. Which on some days Kanan, I all but guarantee that you’re going to regret.”

“...Ezra,” Kanan sigh.

But Ezra just snorts, and spreads his arms wide continuing, “I mean seriously, just look at me Kanan! When I’m not waxing philosophical about Jedi Philosophy or impulsively hijacking government transports I’m obsessing over spreadsheets of the possible outcomes of various future decisions. Or I'm arguing with Chop about statistical probability chains! Or I’m crying because I dropped the kriffing toothpaste on the floor, or having completely random nervous breakdowns because oversized Jedi bullies act like assholes and randomly sneak-attack pinch me. Seriously, I’m telling you Kanan: trauma is boring! It needs to take a holiday for a couple weeks at least! Or maybeget itself on a Force Bedamned schedule so that it’s less kriffing constantly annoying!”

“It will, Kid.” Kanan soothes the younger man patiently, “With the regular application of sleep, time, and - you’re really going to really hate this one in particular, Ezra - *talk* with people who can actually help you process and cope with the stress that this situation is causing. Because here’s a little secret you may not have realized just yet, Kid...”

Kanan gently pokes Ezra in his sternum, “Your emotional reactions to the situation you’ve found yourself in? Are actually completely normal and healthy!” Kanan shakes his head, "Well minus the way that you’ve been coping with them by lying and running and the drinking anyway. But your responses to what’s happened aren’t ‘kriffed’ at all, Ezra – they’re completely normal human trauma responses.”

The teenager looks over at him in response to that statement doubtfully.

Kanan just snorts softly before he continues, “Ezra seriously: anyone who’s suffered a loss like yours is going to grieve as a result. Anyone who unexpectedly time travelled alone would end up wondering if they’re slowly going crazy. And anyone who is familiar with the reality of actual war who also has good reason to believe that more war is almost directly incoming, is going to be anxious and try and prepare for it as best as they can. You're not crazy Ezra, or reacting in any ways that are all that unexpected under the circumstances, Your mind is just focused on what it always has been, Ezra, and that’s just straight up surviving as best that it can no matter how challenging you current circumstances." 

Ezra’s starting to look thoughtful now, so Kanan continues to speak, his voice still low and hopefully soothing. “If you’re actually truly messed up by anything at all at the moment kid, it’s just too much ongoing stress and a previous lack of \adequate resources, which is thankfully about to change in a big way, now Ezra. Because after all, now that I know and Hera does as well, you won’t be coping with things all alone anymore like you’ve had to up until now. This time when you try and process or prepare you’ll be doing so with the back up of a supportive community...”

“Hey wait a minute! Hera already knows, Kanan?! Since when exactly?!” Ezra gasps out on a tight, high pitched squeak, and then between one breath and the next Kanan is literally booted out of the previously serene mindscape and back into his own body.

For the first microsecond or so Kanan assumes that Ezra literally threw him out. Either out of anger or retribution or maybe even because of the compulsive instinct to hide. But that assumption immediately evaporates the moment Kanan consciously registers the sound of Ezra’s breathing beside him. The teenager is huddled over on his knees right now, curled up on his bench seat, tucked forward in a ball rather like a small, frightened child. His mouth is wide open, his eyes staring straight ahead – the pupils wide an unseeing. The kid is clearly trying to get air in, but he’s just as obviously hyperventilating.

‘Well Sith Spit.’ Full on panic attack in process, then. And Kriff, but Kanan can literally feel the terror rolling down through the link. “Ezra. Ezra? Kid! I’m here. You’re fine. You’re all right. I need you to look at me please...”

“Hera. Knows?!” Ezra gaspingly repeats.

Kanan nods, his voice deliberately soothing and low, “I told her when I checked in, Ezra. Right before I first went to sleep myself.” He closes a hand on the teenager’s shoulder gently and squeezes for a moment. “Kid it’s all right. It’s okay. I’m here and I promise you’re safe, but I need you to try and breathe with me, okay?” Let's take a slow breath in for the count of three together and than out again for seven if you can manage it.”

But it’s already too late, by far. The kid’s chest simply locks up, his blue eyes widening impossibly. He gasps several times, shallowly, trapped in the pattern of too thing breathing. ‘Put…put…me…out!’ Echoes the command/request in Kanan mind.

“Ezra… I can just help talk you down.”

‘Put! Me! Out! Kanan!’ The mental command comes again. ‘Don’t …Want...To Hurt… Someone!’

Kanan’s forehead wrinkles at that, "Ezra, that's not something that is just going to happen randomly."

‘Tell that...to the person.. I put in a coma...for a week, Kanan! The last time…that I had...one of these around…other people!’

"You what Kid?!"

‘Was…Unintentional… Accident…Age seven.” Ezra’s whole chest is heaving, his skin growing progressively paler and paler. His lips are tinted blue. ‘Someone Grabbed Me… In The Dark…Scared me…. Reacted Very Badly.’

"That's your normal for panic attacks, Ezra?!" Kanan blinks back a little bit incredulously.

‘No. Rare…for me…. to have one at all. Normally just hyperventilate…then pass out. But none… anywhere near… other people… since then. Don’t want… to risk...it happening again!’

"Kid, you'll be fine. I promise" Kanan soothes, trying to ease his Padawan's mind a little, “Let’s just try for now to try and slow down your breathing instead."

Ezra breathing only ratchets up even further . 'Are the others? Hera? Sabine. Zeb? Are they all coming out here to get us?’

"Yes."

'You want to test assumption on lives!? They can’t shield! You can. Put! Me! Out! Kanan!'

Kanan complies then, sighing deeply even as he does so, well aware at this point that if he doesn’t then Ezra’s just going to make himself pass out for lack of air anyway. Then he shifts carefully into a seated lotus position again and gently tugs Ezra into a recovery position on his side on the bench seat. Looking down at the deathly pale face, and grimacing at the blue tint that’s still edging the younger man's lips.

‘Well,’ Kanan thinks to himself, a little wryly, as he reviews the past few minutes in his mind, waiting for the kid to regain consciousness, ‘That had been the worst possible kind of 'interesting.'’

Thankfully it's not all that long really - maybe ten minutes or so, before Ezra’s eyelids start twitching again. "Kriiiiiffffffff." He murmurs hoarsely after another moment or so. His eyes are still clenched tight, his voice rough and distressed. "Where's the gundark who decided to play chicken with my karking sternum? Did I kill it at least?"

"No. It's in the cockpit, Kid. Hiding from rumors of possible psychic backlash.” Kanan informs him very dryly, “Do you know where you are right now, Ezra… Do you remember what just happened?"

Ezra's eyes blink open slowly. Then they blink again as he registers his current location more fully. "We were talking in one of my dreams before yes?"

Kanan grimaces and nods. "Yes. Yes we were, Ezra. And then, unfortunately, you took some news that I told you… well, rather badly."

Ezra shudders hard then, his eyes sliding shut again, his knees curling up toward his chest instinctively in protective reaction. "Hera knows too now." He mutters softly. "About the time travel I mean.” Blue eyes slide open again, suspiciously wet looking, “Force just be merciful, okay Master? And next time around try and warn me a little bit first before casually dropping that kind of bombshell on me."

Kanan sighs softly, even as he nods his head, a little bemused. 'And again Kid - now who's actually being seriously over melodramatic?’ 

It takes Kanan a moment longer though, to realize that all supposed melodrama aside, Ezra is literally trembling right now from his head to his toes in what looks a lot like essential tremor in reaction to the knowledge of Hera’s new awareness. Though at least thank Force this time around there seems to be no change in the overall pattern of his breathing. 

"...Ezra?" Kanan murmurs then, deeply concerned, gently tugging the kid off the bench after a moment or so to make sure that the teenager’s not going protest the action – Ezra doesn’t - and then wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller body, sending steady waves of calm and safety toward him down their link as they do. "Ezra serious, What in the kriff...?"

"I knew that it was going to be coming, Kanan." Ezra manages to get out softly after a moment or so. "You two're practically joined at the hip, after all." The younger Jedi exhales very heavily. "Still I really, *really* wasn't ready for it to be quite this soon, that's all. I guess that I just thought that I’d have a little bit longer to prepare myself for it to happen, some time to brace for actual impact. Which is important right now. Kriff this day overall and my seriously karked up brain chemistry at the moment."

Kanan makes a sympathetic sound in reaction to that confession, then makes a mental note to avoid, if at all humanly possible, ever shocking Ezra with the news that he’s been ‘outed’ like this again. Kanan doesn't really understand yet why the particular trigger exists in his Padawan’s head, but he can karking well try at least to respect and guard against ever deliberately reactivating it. His voice is very soft when he finally speaks up again, “Hera - she’s not mad at you or anything, Ezra. If that’s what’s got you tied up in knots like this right now. You're not in any sort of trouble.”

“Yet, Kanan. Give her some time to get over the worst of her shock and then to work her way through all the implications of the past few weeks. Once she does Kanan an epic yell-fest is definitely coming.”

Kanan sighs deeply at that pronouncement, and makes a mental note to try and have Ezra off ship if at all possible for said yell fest if he can’t just diffuse it outright through pre-planned conversations instead. “Kid, right now mostly Hera’s more worried than anything else – about the both of us and how we’re handling all of this really.”

Ezra makes a twisted up, guilty face in reaction to that, “Yeah like that’s supposed to be any more reassuring.”

Kanan sighs yet again, “Look, Ezra - most of the time Hera handles challenges much better when she’s not completely in the dark just waiting for the metaphorical tactical nuke to hit out of one of a dozen directions. I’m not saying that she’s happy with the situation right now, no. Or that she won’t need time to process, but she’ll adapt – really, she will. Kark, Ezra, she’s already adapting.”

Ezra shrugs, “As I just said, Kanan, I knew that it couldn’t indefinitely be avoided. She was going to find out at some point. I would have just really liked a little more time to mentally prepare myself for it to happen first. As it is every time that the truth has come out thus far in this particular timeline I’ve been knocked backward on my ass because of it either literally or metaphorically.”

Kanan sighs nodding, “I understand that, Kid. And I promise to try and keep that in mind for the next time around. Because the very last thing that I want to do at this point, is needlessly heighten your current levels of stress, Ezra. I know it’s hard to get used to the idea of not being the only bouncer at the door in terms of keeping your secret any longer.....” He pushes the teenager back just far enough to meet his eyes, “But now that all three of us are ‘in the know’ it’ll all get so much get easier. Really it will. Just trust me, you’ll see.”

“Four of us, Kanan. You can include Chopper, officially, on your list of those who are now ‘in the know.'”

“Wait… Chopper already knows?! About the time travel I mean?!”

Ezra laughs hoarsely in reply, the sound edging dangerously near to a giggle for moment. “Chopper knew before anyone else did about the time-travel, Kanan! He figured it out quite awhile ago apparently. What's more he only told me that he did know when the two of us went shopping together in town yesterday. The little karking sadist dropped that particular truth bomb on me just as I was stepping off a curb and made me go ass over elbows as aresuly. I still have karking scrapes from it on both of my knees.”

“Chopper *knew?!*” Kanan emphasizes the words again this time distinctly more dangerously.

Ezra side-eyes him for a moment cautiously, before shrugging in a poor faxsimile of true nonchalance. “Ehhh…It’s technically probably more honest to say that Chop strongly *suspected* that I was somehow outside of my own original timeline, Kanan. He actually asked me for confirmation of the nearly ninety-five point something or other percent probability. Which I then confirmed by landing pretty much on my face essentially.”

Kanan bares his teeth then, feeling the heat swell alarmingly in the center of his chest. “I swear to Force that the next time I see him, that useless, over-paid Databank is dead!”

Ezra half laughs, half shudders in response to that, squeezing Kanan’s closer forearm comfortingly. “Oh come on now Master. To be fair, Chopper did help all of you corral me not too long afterward, after helping himself to a couple hours of alcohol-assisted interrogation first.” Ezra shrugs, apparently pretty philosophical about the whole experience, “Granted I bought the booze in question all on my own, Kanan. And I told him outright that he could ask whatever he wanted and I’d answer as long as I thought that it was safe to do so. Which come to think of it is probably the real reason Chopper decided to drive me out to thr Temple himself the way he did. It was his excuse to dig and my excuse to start in on the Brandy early.”

“Dead.” Kanan growls out again, still clearly fuming – at literally everything. “Dead, buried and then he goes to Hera. I am going to kriffing space him. What was he thinking?”

Not like it’ll do Chopper any real harm if he does get spaced. It’ll still make Kanan feel better at least temporarily.

“Ah come on, Master, give Chop a break.” Ezra just does his best to soothe him in return, “To be fair, he was being utterly logical about all of it, Kanan from his perspective.. He’s a heuristic droid after all, and this whole situation is basically unheard of. There aren’t exactly protocols titled ‘dealing safely with time travelers for dummies’ in any of his programs existent.”

Kanan tightens his arms around the teenager tighter, letting a hiss out through his teeth. “No there aren’t, Ezra. Which is why Chopper should have come *directly* to Hera or I if he was really so far past the range of his day to day programming where you were concerned…”

Ezra shrugs his shoulders, still clearly refusing to judge harshly, “From the way he was talking about it constantly, Kanan, I think that Chopper was genuinely concerned about creating possible paradoxes if he did or said the wrong thing, Kanan. Plus, I also get the distinct suspicion that he was genuinely enraptured just by the occurrence of such a novel situation. Not to even mention that I didn’t bother to even attempt to lie to him when he confronted me earlier with the truth. Which he was able to confirm via his biometrics data. I guess he just decided because of all of that, that I was essentially trustworthy as a result.”

“Trustworthy? You were a fourteen karking-year-old street kid with severe psychic trauma! Who’d just broken an oathed accord with Hera, purchased a bottle of booze that you were far too young to be drinking by any standard law on the books! Not to mention you apparently up and announced your intent at some point to rob an karking imperial transport hub!”

Ezra just shrugs one more time, “Don’t ask me to explain his logic tree regarding the subject, Master. The truth of the matter is that *I *officially stopped really giving a kriff about why he was doing any of it at about the same point that he threw a pair of handcrafted heirloom shot glasses at me and offered to take me out to the temple without me having to wait to liquor up. As we’ve both already acknowledged in previous conversations, Kanan it had been one karking hell of a bad week for me at that point. My ‘give a kark’ at that time had been rather seriously busted.”

Kanan can't really come up with an appropriate verbal reply to that: he's too busy spluttering furiously in reaction. Ezra leaves him to it for perhaps a minute or two, before finally reaching out to pat Kanan a little awkwardly on the chest. "Deep breaths all right, Kanan? Getting this pissed off about all of it really can't be any good for your blood pressure, remember? Don’t obsess about it so much. I mean it all worked out in the end now didn't it..."

Now Kanan's look makes room for incredulity along with disbelief and anger. "Ezra do you have any idea at all how *badly* things could have gone for you under just slightly different circumstances? How badly Chopper keeping his own counsel actually risked your life? I’m pretty sure if he’d let you enter that temple alone the stress of a trial could have forced you into a mental breakdown or worse yet left you psychotic!"

Ezra shakes his head, shrugging a little. "No. I didn’t know that. But do I understand waking up to the impossible Kanan, and having no kriffing clue what to do in response to any of it. This situation's nuts as kriff! I figure Chopper has every bit as right to freak out figuring out how to deal with it as I initially had."

But no. That is not enough justification for Kanan. It’s not. Not in the face of what was almost lost.

“No Ezra.” He bites back in reply, “Chopper had no right to a call that important completely alone and unassisted. Not when it could have ended up with you dead or in a thousand mental pieces. For Force sakes, Ezra, you’re only a minor! His top priority shouldn’t have been your safety not kriffing information recognizance!”

Ezra shrugs. "Yeah well it’s not as if Chopper’d really reasoned out those two statistical possibilities, as probable now had he, Kanan? You have to remember, Master that I'm still practically a stranger to him right now. We don’t have four years worth of connections in his memory banks like existed between me and the Chopper from my own timeline. He's not worried about me like he worries about the rest of you just yet." 

The teenage boy's voice is very frank, as he pushed his hair back from his face, "Remember his second major query train - following one to confirm I was a time traveler at all Kanan , was what were my intentions toward the rest of *his* family."

Kanan sighs, huffing in sheer exhausted exasperation, letting the topic shift for now at least. "Yeah, well I have to say I wouldn't mind hearing the answer to that one myself right now, Kid."

Ezra blinks up at the older man, a little dazed, and then he smiles up at his Master, almost tenderly. "Uhm…how much of my conversation with Hera did you guys actually hear when you all were out on the balcony, Kanan? I mean I just assumed that you all were essentially eavesdropping the whole time hat we were talking, and by that point, Kanan, I'd already *told* Hera both my wants as well as my karking 'actual intentions’."

There's a short period of silence then, Kanan's forehead wrinkling for a moment as he thinks back to that moment. Then he softly quotes back all but verbatim... “What is it that you *do* want, Ezra Bridger? Both from us in particular and just for your own life generally speaking?”

And Ezra once again speaks, his voice far more emotional now, if no less candid. "I want to trade up from my past as it was last the time around, Kanan. To something stronger and hopefully less destroyed and bloody. And along the way, Master, if I can then I’d like to save as many of the people that I love as I possibly can."

It's such a simple statement really, if distinctly low on any specifics. On the hows and the whens and the wherefores. But as far as mission statements go, Kanan has to admit that Ezra hadn't been able to get more basic or bluntly honest than that in what he’d told Hera about his goals for the future. "That's it?" He asks the younger man quietly, the anger slowly loosening in his chest.

“That’s it.” Ezra nods, and then he shrugs helplessly, "I don’t really have anything more concrete, so far than that." His lips quirk wryly. "I mean you guys never really stopped harassing me long enough for me to come up with anything more specific, or complex than that did you? And I don’t have quite your genius, Kanan, when it comes to devising heat of the moment stratagems...much long term playbooks or stuff like that. I just…I want to try and make things better than they were =, because it’s hard to imagine I could make them any worse.” 

Ezra whole body shudders hard at whatever memories are now in his head. “Well hard to imagine and frankly more than a little bit terrifying. What they did to all of our lives before the end, Kanan – not to mention and what they eventually did to my kirffing *planet.*” Ezra's voice cracks. “Look, I’ll admit that I don’t know much about temporal physics, Master. I mean kriff, I like math, yes, and I’m good with fixing things that break down and at figuring out mechanical or electrical systems when I come across them. I’m also pretty sure though, that at this point in my life even after working hard to catch up for almost two years that I could *barely* manage right now to pass even basic educational competence exams. “ Ezra snorts softly, shaking his head clearly bemused, “To say nothing of knowing what to make of kriffing chronal variations.”

Kanan sighs very deeply at that particular confession. “What you do know is pretty damn fantastic, Kid, considering just how much actual schooling you never got to have. Your exposure to academia is not the same thing as your innate intelligence Ezra. Don't ever forget that.”

“Maybe so, Kanan. Still, as much as I’m afraid that saying too much about the future or trying to change it might have some consequences, I also can’t just pretend that I can just sit back as a completely passive observer and do only what I did the first time around while watching the entire galaxy steadily fall back into sheer kark all over again. I mean I’d literally go nuts, Kanan! I really, truly would. I can’t unknow what I do know from my previous time stream any more than I can guarantee that any or all of it will actually end up repeating. I just … I don’t know yet where, when or how to...well basically find a balance. I mean in some ways things and people are already so kriffing changed already, Kanan.”

Ezra chuckles then very softly. Almost wetly. Before finally continuing, “I mean…you guys all too… kriff, Kanan, I initially expected that ditching Specter Crew would be *easy!* You’ve all been literally confusing the the kark out of me for the last few weeks...”

“You expected that ditching us would be! easy? Why?!” Kanan’s eyebrow is climbing nearly to his hairline at that confession.

“Because I spent the better part of my first year on the OtherGhost more than half afraid that you all were going to ditch me pretty much the very first moment that Hera finally decided that I’d outlived my overall usefulness! Or at least once you were sure that I was no longer threat to the rest of your safeties initially! I mean seriously, Kanan! OtherZeb hated having to share his room with a roommate. OtherSabine mostly saw me as a perpetual if amusing pest. And though yes, OtherYou did initially offer me the chance to come on board The Ghost for training in the ways of the Force he still dragged his feet initially for weeks in terms of actually teaching me anything! I knew full well those first couple of months aboard the ship, that greater part of why I really got invited aboard was just to guarantee the group as a whole’s greater security. And then later on I got to stay because you all realized that the skill set I had to contribute during missions was pretty handy!” ‘

Ezra shrugs a little, “All that considered I figured when I finally walked at the end of the Wookie mission that you all – and you in particular, Master - would be outright relieved to see me go, just so long as I could also prove to you if you thought it necessary that the Imperials wouldn’t be able to grab or otherwise get any critical information about the rest of you guys out of me.”

“Force, Kid!” Kanan mutters, more than a little bit breathless. Because that whole confession is more than just a little horrifying. Had his other self actually heard about any of this from Ezra the first time around? Probably not, Kanan guesses rather grimly, since Ezra wouldn’t have tried his strategy this time around at all had any of the other Specters learned of and then ‘aggressively corrected’ his initial interpretations of the situation. “We wouldn’t have ever…” 

“Just dumped me like so many others had before you guys?” Ezra sighs softly “Yeah I figured that eventually too, Kanan. But it didn’t mean in at the beginning that I wanted to be a burden on anyone else, or to be kept around because of someone’s fear or worse yet their pity. It took *time,* Master, on the last go-round I mean to really find my confidence and start to feel sure of my place with the team. After all you were all doing fine at least initially without me.”

Kanan opens his mouth again in response to that – prepared to say any number of things. Force, has Ezra really remained that unaware of his actual impact?! But the kid has just continued speaking, “Like I can only assume that it’s going to basically take me all over again, Kanan. I mean I’m not the same person who I was anymore, am I? And neither are any of you anymore. So if I’m going to be staying on the Ghost with all of you, Kanan, then…”

“There is no 'if' involved in this, Ezra.” Kanan informs him abruptly, more than a little bit sternly.

“I know that, Kanan.” Ezra waves the correction off, apparently well past that argument at this stage, “Fine, then since I’m going to be staying on The Ghost then, I’m just saying that it’s probably going to take us all awhile to actually find the right fit again Master, and for me to really get my feet back under me here in this time stream.” The dark haired teenager sighs, “It’ll essentially be just like finding square one and starting all over again.”

“Is that why your panic kicked off so hard when I mentioned Hera knowing earlier, Ezra?” Kanan asks him softly, genuinely curious. Because Ezra’s sudden panic attack had been more, mildly stated, then a little bit troubling. Kanan really doesn't want it happening again.

“Yes. No. Ugh. Maybe. I don’t know, I just….Argh!” Ezra shakes his head, helpless, apparently helpless and without adequate words. He goes silent for a long moment or two then, clearly trying to sort out how to provide any kind of coherent explanation. “Look, Kanan. I don’t really know any other way to explain this but bluntly. Shortly after OtherYou died in battle? OtherHera suffered from an unexpected miscarriage at around twelve weeks or so along. She hadn’t even realized apparently yet that she even *was* pregnant. Still the shock of finding out what had happened to you during that final battle as well as to the rest of us just…” Ezra shudders, “Force that happening on top of everything else, it was just, well it was a lot to try and deal with, okay? Unsurprisingly afterwards all of us were a real mess.” Ezra exhales and inhales several more time then before continuing. “And then to make it ten times harder, once Hera finally came out of her initially shock phase instead of moving on...instead of processing - well at least as far as I could see anyway, Hera just seemed to survive what happened by hyper-focusing on both her never-ending work schedule and worse yet, Kanan – my personal medical situation.” 

Ezra looks away then, his eyes glazing over, his expression going oddly distant. On the very knife'sedge, Kanan, suspects of full emotional disassociation, his mind trying desperately to protect itself from the pain still clearly associated with this conversation and all it’s attached memories. “And yes – I’ll admit that I *wasn’t* in the best state either physically or emotionally at the time, Kanan, and she had a right to be worried. I had some new prosthetic limbs that I needed time to really adapt to and our former link was unsurprisingly raw and broken after how you'd died the way you did. I had no idea about the use of Amalyn for treating broken psi-links either. Master. And neither did anyone else apparently. They mostly just gave me a lot of morphine and sedatives initially. It was bad Kanan - between the psychic damage and all the bad dreams. I was having trouble keep much if any food down, so I was losing some weight as well…probably too much really but…” Ezra shakes his head, “She’d still just lost both you Kanan, and you guys’ *baby*!”

The younger man shudders yet again, before finally looking directly back at Kanan. “And it drove me kriffing nuts, okay?! Because all she seemed to want to talk about when I saw her was how much I ate or slept, or I didn’t. And how I needed to try harder. To deal with things better than I was. Well either that or she'd tell me about whatever mission she and Sabine and Chopper had been assigned to most recently by the fleet. Which I couldn’t even karking help with yet Kanan, because of course medical hadn’t agreed to release me under those circumstance. I ended up just checking out AMA eventually instead. Which didn't exactly make Hera or Sabine any more happy with me. And I know that this Hera isn’t *that* Hera, Kanan, I really do, but I still can’t seem to….” Ezra’s voice cuts off then, his soft voice cracking completely.

And Force. Kark and Sith spit. Ezra still can’t entirely separate the two Hera’s in his own mind. Not effectively anyway.

Which explains so much right now really, about how he’s been treating Hera since they first met him here in this particular time stream. It explains the twi’lek’s alternating status between protected class and someone to be avoided at all costs lest Ezra get her upset or otherwise angry. Hera's right, she isn’t going to like it when she finds out what’s been behind Ezra’s behavior toward her recently. Not in the slightest.

Force, Kanan wonders for a moment, more than a little breathless with all this new knowledge. How in kriff are you supposed to tell the woman that you love that she’s currently being treated like a piece of sharp but fragile glass because of residual guilt and grief Ezra feels over the loss of a child that never even existed in this particular timeline. That her otherselves' natural reaction to Kanan's death had harmed Ezra badly instead of helping him work through his own grieving process in those first most crucial months following Kanan's death.

How is anyone really supposed to react to a truth like that? 

Not to even mention, if Kanan remembers after another moment or so that Ezra had actually said the other night that the last thing he really remembers from his originating timeline was a worried OtherSabine and OtherHera drugging the poor kid unconscious without his permission, probably in order to try and force Era to actually deal with his ongoing sleep deficit.

Because *yes,* he thinks to himself, just a little bit grimy, Kanan *can* more than easily believe that a OtherHera – particularly one locked in her own initial period of grieving and still halfway in denial herself, hiding behind her work and yet also simultaneously *terrified* that she was going to lose her son on top of everything else in the process - would absolutely have done just that sort of thing if she had truly believed that that she could safely get away with it. 

Kriff it’s no wonder that right some part of the Ezra’s mind is reacting to Hera like she’s one part precious paragon of virtue and one part terrible threat. OtherHera’s half of the reason that Ezra’s trapped in this dream that’s not a dream after all. At least from his own subconscious perspective. And that means she can maybe ‘wake him up again’ - tear him out of a world that he doesn't want to leave if he can help it. Krk, the situation’s probably wreaking literal havoc in the poor kid’s already battered subconscious.

And as for Kanan's own Hera? The one who is currently dealing with the fallout of all of this without any real understanding as to why… What if anything is Kanan supposed tell her about all or any of this? Because honestly he doesn’t know at this point if keeping his trap shut about these kind of details from Ezra for any length of time will count as deliberately hiding things from Hera or just as keeping a few secrets.

He's probably going to have to meditate on that one for a bit as soon as humanly possible. Not to mention…not to mention whole miscarriage thing. Because Force, but right now Kanan’s barely evenwrapping his mind around the actual flesh and blood teenager that he’s just finally adopted. The one who's standing in front of him right now. One who Kanan is wise enough to know already is going to require one kark of a lot more than just basic provision food and clothing until he finally reaches his eighteenth majority. To say nothing of the future of any other kids that apparently might possiblycome along.

The average human knight in the Temple after all usually reached that stage between ages twenty two and twenty four. And that generally presupposed that they'd had all the pre-apprenticeship initiate training before they were taken as a Padawan. High potential force sensitives in particular tended to require more training, not less, from their masters. Not for any lack of learning capacity of their parts mind you, but simply because they tended to be far more in need of extensive one on one attention in order to help them learn to cope with their greater statistical amounts of both force visions and empathy both. Knighthood for them unless they were chosen particularly early was usually somewhere closer to twenty five or even twenty six.

Still, Kanan’s mind just keeps circling back around to the baby bit. Because the idea of him: Kanan Jarrus…bane of the creche. Natural arch nemesis of sleeping infants everywhere, who’d actually been banned from the nursery for apparently *smiling at the infants wrong* with a *infant* - well that just sounds like an awful nightmare waiting to happen.

Even if yes, he loves Hera, and that kid would be half Hera, half him.

Kanan quite honestly speaking, at least when he’s actually let himself consider the topic at all, thinks that that he’d be a lot more open to the idea of parenthood in general if they at least issued you a walking, talking actual KID when you decided that you were actually ready to have one. A child who who was potty trained, who had distinct personality already and could for the most part engage in fairly involving conversations. Not to mention, Kanan thinks, kids that are old enough to avoid repeatedly requesting for days on end that the same song or book be partaken of over and Over and OVER again.

Ezra, who's still in Kanan's lap at present, suddenly lets out a helpless manic little giggle.

“What is it?” Kanan who has finally been ripped from his thoughts by the sound of that, glances down a little quizzically at the younger Jedi.

Ezra wheezes with laughter. “I’m sorry, Kanan. it’s just…Force Master, if you could only see your face right now! It's classic look #28 horrified ‘babies!’ expression!”

Kanan shrugs a little in reply to that particular assessement. “I'm...Look…I’m not saying that I object to parenthood as a general rule Ezra. And with Hera, yeah, maybe if she ever really slowed down a little and truly seemed to want it. The truth of the matter though, Ezra, is that I’ve only ever really been comfortable around either teens or older kids.”

Ezra actually snorts in reply to that. “Oh I know that, Kanan, believe me. Who do you think that you kept passing the little squallers off too on a regular basis those rare times when we did get stuck ‘babysitting?!’ I mean you’re not scared of heights or Hera or even Inquisitors half of the time, Kanan Jarrus, but you're karking scared to death of babies!”

“I am too scared of Hera!” Kanan shoots back in automatic, emphatic protest to that claim. “Who the kark wouldn’t be?!”

The fourteen-year-old in his arms starts to laugh even harder at that – until it’s nearly convulsive. When he’s finally calms again, several minutes later he wipes his eyes with his sleeve once again, “And on that note, Kanan. I need to get up, find something to drink and answer the call of nature. How long have we been asleep anyway? Do you know when we’ll be back to Capital City?”

“I’d need to check the chronometer to be certain. In case you haven’t noticed yet though Ezra, we’re not even in the air anymore. The Ghost is coming out here to pick us up instead since Hera judged that you and I were both a little bit too overextended right now for her to really want us flying the Phantom at the moment.”

Ezra's brow wrinkles, “And we couldn’t have just switched on the autopilot for a couple of hours instead while we slept and saved them the trip all the way out here?”

Kanan shrugs, “She’s anxious to have us both of us where she can see us, Ezra. The Ghost can always outpace the Phantom in terms of upper altitude transit, which I’m sure that you’re already aware of. And its not like we both didn’t benefit from the opportunity for more sleep in the meantme.”

Ezra nods at that, glancing toward the door now almost instinctively. “So how long do we have anyway? Before she and the rest of the crew arrive then?”

“Tough to call before seeing a chronometer. Probably only a couple more hours if that, though. Soon enough certainly that Chopper either better either hide really, really well before I get to him or maybe just flat out start running.”

“Kanan…” Ezra sounds very patient and a just little bit exasperatedly. “Seriously, Master. He was doing the best he could so like…when you see him at least try and go a little easy.”

“I get to be pissed at this point, Ezra if he needlessly endangered your safety with his choices. It is totally a Master’s prerogative.”

Ezra heaves one more sigh, resigned. “So, you say. Look Kanan, after I’m done hitting the head and getting myself a drink – and maybe finding myself a snack because I think I’m actually hungry again – then, I think that I’d like to take some time to meditate for awhilr. Unless you have objection for some reason or there other things we need to be doing in the meantime? Cause I’m certainly not going to be able to go back to sleep again after that little panic fueled bout of adrenaline that just clobbered me.”

Kanan looks Ezra up and down critically for a moment, taking silent stalk of both his ‘feel’ and his overall appearance. Compared to how the kid had looked before he’d first fallen asleep, Ezra truly does look considerably better. Less like he’s been recently hit by a kriffing speeder at least. Maybe all he’d really needed was a short nap to recharge and shut down his mind from its worrying for awhile. After all the most common symptom of psychic fatigue is usually physical exhaustion. Perhaps Kanan admits, because it's much harder to overstimulate a mind that's already safely passed out in bed dancing with the sandman.

“You looked pretty awful earlier, Ezra. Though you do look a bit better now. How’s the pain in your head at the moment?”

“Down to a five or a six, Kanan.”

Which is a serious improvement really. Especially after Ezra’s only had a single bollus of Amalyn. It’d taken three days of doses that last time around for Ezra to show that much improvement. Then again, now there’s also no longer ongoing psychic damage occurring doing to an unhealed psi-link.

“Meditation should be just fine, Ezra. Kriff it's probably wise to help you ground yourself before the others get here. But Kid? With that kind of rapid turnover and improvement, you definitely need to go a couple more days on the Amalyn at full strength again. Because this? Is how the meds should have worked for you right from the beginning.” Kanan purses his lips, unhappily, “I ought to have guessed there was something more than just the age of the wound or your level of potential that explained your slow recovery earlier.” Now that he looks back on it all, Kanan’s well aware there had actually been numerous hints that something larger had been going on.

Ezra shrugs, then snorts softly, finally pulling back completely from Kanan’s hug and rising slowly to his feet from out of his Master’s lap. “It wasn't your fault Kanan. You didn’t know.”

“I should have,” Kanan mutters discontent.

Ezra snorts aloud, “How exactly?” He demands. 

“I just should have known.” Kanan grumbles back, “If nothing else, Ezra, I should have been faster at seeing the link. I still can’t figure out why in the kark I actually didn’t.”

“Deflection? Misdirection? Annoying teenagers who liked to distract you with lots of sniping?”

Kanan scowls a little at that pronouncement. “That should have been normal for me, Ezra by at the latest day five or six of you regularly taking the IV Amalyn,”

Ezra snorts at that claim, “Kanan, there is nothing even vaguely normal about our current situation. I mean seriously Master! We could be living out one of those cheesy holodrama time travel sagas of yours that you always used to swear up anddown when I caught you reading them you're not actually a giant geeky fan of.”

Kanan feels his face heat up a little at that. “Ah…so then I take it you already knew about that particular weakness of mine then?”

“Your obsession for trashy pulp fiction? Yes Kanan, I’m more then aware. Kark, Master - I’d probably even share it with you outright if the Rebellion actually had a larger audiobook collection. Unfortunately, though in my case the fare was much more limited– mostly what I can find in the junk stalls, and Hera’s occasional if generally enjoyable gifts - and a literal multitude of boring ass kriff from the Rebellion bases smaller collection that various people keep assuring me I’ll love because they’re supposedly the ‘classics.’”

Kanan snorts, "I take it you've been less than impressed by the results of these recommendations?"

Ezra just shrugs again, "Oh I wouldn't say that entirely, Kanan. A few of them that I've found time to listen to have involved interesting characters or ituations. But I'm pretty kriffing sure that the fact they're from places I've never visited and about cultures I've barely even encountered means that I've missed a kark of a lot in terms of their overalll relevance.”

“But you do enjoy books just on their own merit?”

The teenager makes a face in reply. “Less ‘books’ than ‘learning’ in whatever form I can happen to get it really. I generally prefer vids or other on the go sorts if medium like that so I can take with me. Usually if I’m actually sitting still Kanan during my conscious hours Kanan, I’m either meditating or I'm about to be sleeping.”

Kanan narrows his eyes at that yet again, considering everything that he’s heard in the last few minutes and comparing it with some of the things he’s read, and then he makes a mental note to also get Ezra checked for Dyslexia - definitely, as well Hepatitis the next time that they all visit a clinic. 

Because yes, it seems a little ridiculous to imagine OtherHim and OtherHera could have missed something that big for four years, but still... There had been a war on after all. They had apparently been very, very busy. Ezra has already provably admitted on more than one occasion that he doesn'y like bugging other people with ‘his’ perceived problems. Not to mention that a lot, Kanan figures might have been easy to simply blame on the Kid’s obvious ‘learning by survival,’ ‘Loth-Rat U’ education.

Kanan’ll still feel like a literal moron even so, if they don’t at least attempt to rule out the potentially obvious on a second go round.

After all, yes ge may be Kanan Jarrus, just like Ezra’s old Master had been, but as the teenager has already repeatedly admitted, that doesn’t mean they had to be completely identical people who have the same exact priorities or make the same day to day decisions. 

If Kanan’s otherself had made some mistakes, had displayed a little short sightedness on occasion that his Padawan was now copping to, even if that confession wasn’t exactly deliberate on Ezra's part? Well then ‘Thank you for your mistakes, there, Buddy. I swear I’ll do my best to try and learn from and not repeat any of them.’

So Kanan nods, “Go ahead and do what you need to in the fresher, Ezra. I’ll go and check what’s available in terms of food and drink right now for both of us. You’re not the only one who’s actually hungry again. It’s not like it’s a bad thing to refuel. After that’s done though if you want to go solo and meditate till the others arrive Kid, then no, of course I have no real objection.”

Ezra nods. “I’ll be back out in a just a couple of minutes then.” 

Then Kanan's Padawan turns and heads toward the fresher at a nearly ambling pace, his mindscape at ease. His whole body content and apparently compliant. Apparently at peace quite genuinely in both his quiet and easy obedience.

Kanan wonders, as he watches the younger man go, how long it’s going to take him to not find that behavior in Ezra both unusual and highly, highly suspicious - at least after their initial four weeks together. The thought is enough to makes him chuckle just a little bit wryly in reaction.

‘Don’t be so paranoid, you cranky old grump,’ His own mental critic shoots back at him, then ‘Ever heard of the eye of the storm, Jarrus? This is probably just it. Give the kriffing kid a couple days or weeks to fully recover after everything that's happened and to get a bit more comfortable concerning his place and I practically guarantee you that he’ll eventually go back to giving your heart attacks on a semi regular basis. He is after all, still ultimately him.'

That thought is enough to make Kanan relax and grin just a little bit more broadly. Because after all if this new normal with Ezra isn’t the old normal, for as short as a time as Kanan’d really had to get used to it, he really doesn’t think that he’ll end up complaining that much about the difference. They’ve finally had a meeting of the minds of sorts between the two of them, Thank Force and they’re both now on mostly stable emotional footing. And even if some of the talks still to come with some of the others may turn him grey literally one strand of hair at a time, at least Kanan knows for certain at this point in the time stream that no matter what else happens, he won’t eventually go literally bald thanks to the damn kid.


	15. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghost Crew arrives. Ezra has a personal fan club.

Kanan’s well aware of how nervous Ezra is about reuniting with the others again. Even after the teenager spends over two hours before the rest of the Specters finally arrive in meditation, trying mostly unsuccessfully as far as Kanan can tell, to release that anxiety into the Force instead. After which the teenager wanders out of the Phantom with his daypack still on his back, a bottle of sports drink in one of his hands and his datapad clasped firmly in the other, in order to watch the twin moons unveil the start of another glorious sunset.

He plops down in the grass, leaving his bag a foot or so to his left as he cues on an audiobook, smirking all the while at a litter of nearby tussling feral loth-cat kits. Two of which he’s easily able to lure close enough with a few soft words and a little bit of his gift for connection to sniff at the tips of his fingerstips cautiously for several long seconds. At least until Ezra produces a strip of meat jerky from his daypack, anyway. After which the entire set of fur-balls suddenly rapidly descend, mewling repeatedly and insistently mobbing his suddenly overful lap, all trying to climb over each other in order to get to their fair share of the tasty treat that he’s offering.

Kanan, more than a little bemused by the entire progression of events, comes out to keep him company as well, sItting down for a while and enjoying both the animals themselves as well as the innate humor of their ongoing presences. Ezra meanwhile, ends up flopped out on his back in the grass after several long andlaughter filled minutes, and perhaps because of the soothing nature of his companion’s company once they decide to turn him to their nap cushion, he ends up dozing off after an hour yet again.

Eventually, Kanan hears the low hum of the Ghost’s main engines out in the distance. The older Jedi gently removes a sleeping kitten from his own lap and stretches, rising to his feet to go and greet them. Ezra surprisingly remains soundly asleep, one kit cuddled up in the curve of his neck, another two on his chest, and a fourth curled up posessively by his left hip. The whole lot of them are all dozing now, furiously purring.

When the Ghost’s disembarkation ramp lowers just a couple minutes later, Hera is the first one out of the ship, followed directly by Sabine and then by Chopper, whom Kanan notes with a small dangerous smile is trying – albeit subtlety - to keep his distance. Wise droid, he can’t quite help but think. 

Zeb is the last of the Specter Crew to leave the Ghost, the large Lasat strolling down off of the disembarkation ramp with a kind of casual ease and disinterest that lasts precisely as long as it takes for the older male to notice Ezra and his fan club still stretched out in the grass. At which point he breaks into a near helpless grin and then gestures in Ezra's direction with a thrust of his head. “Looks like Bridger’s got his own little mutual admiration society going on over there at the moment.”

Kanan smiles, his own tone is clearly bemused “Yes. It seems as though Ezra has a quite the natural talent for connection, Zeb. He seems to find his small friends rather calming. And though he’s felling better than he was last week, he’s still recuperating from his psychic injuries, remember. Which means that he’s likely to pass out sporadically on and off for another week or so at the very minimum.”

“I see that during your little ‘talk’ he managed to break your nose, Kanan.” The comment comss from Sabine who is currently looking Kanan critically up and down, as if composing some kind of grievances list.

Kanan shrugs. “Yes Sabine, he did. But he and I have already buried the hatchet concerning that particular subject. As he would put it, we’re already ‘Bygones’ in terms of our ‘conversation’ last night. So please don’t think that if you’re winding up to give Ezra a bunch of kriff about anything that’s happened that you’re doing so either at my bequest or to my benefit.”

Sabine snorts aloud. “So what then? He’s just off the hook for running off the way he did?”

“No, Sabine. There have been and there will be consequences. Some that you’ll no doubt notice in action in the days still to come and some that frankly speaking are none of your kriffing business. But Sabine, for the record you don’t know everything that was driving Ezra, and frankly? Neither did I when I first caught up to him. His choices may have been questionable, yes but his motives have always been genuinely good -he was doing what he honestly thought was the right thing as far as he knew, even if his choices were also short sighted sometimes and more than a little bit personally self-destructive. Given that fact, guys, the word of the month is going to be ‘mercy’ - at least for the time being. Ezra doesn’t need any more ass kicking right now, anything but in fact. He needs a mostly blank slate to at least try and start over again."

The Mandalorian snorts softly. “Okay. Sure. If you say so, Kanan.”

Kanan frowns at her slightly. “I mean it, Sabine, so please take me seriously here. Yes, Ezra screwed up - and he karking well knows it. He’s said so more than once and apologized to me about it all repeatedly. And I’m also guessing that with no prodding from me whatsoever, he’s about to do pretty much the same thing for Hera when he sees her as well because he also knows that he broke his word and he genuinely wants to make amends We’re looking for second chances at this point all right? Not the taking of any more overly onerous pounds of flesh. Ezra’s suffered enough as it is over the past few months without all of us just making it worse by holding unnecessary grudges . Especially since I can now literally *guarantee* you all that he will be staying with us on The Ghost indefinitely. We actually formed a training bond last night you guys, as well as had a meeting of the minds, for lack of a better way to put it.” Kanan turns a small smile toward Hera then. “Congratulations, Captain. You now have yourself a permanent Specter Six.”

“Damn right we do.” Hera smiles back in reply, then she pauses momentarily in thought, her lips twitching thoughtfully. “Look Kanan, I promise you that I won’t yell at him or anything like that but he and I do have a little unfinished business to cover considering his little round of deal breaking…nothing cruel though or anything particularly unfair or unexpected though – that I plan to address when I see him next just to clear the air between us instead of increasining his stress by leaving it hanging. Now otherwise how is he doing just generally mentally and physically for the record?”

“He’s anxious guys. Embarrassed. And despite his best intentions, he still burns out really, really fast right now - especially in emotionally charged situations. That’s actually not abnormal at all – it's a typical side effect of everything he’s just been through as well as the our newly established link. It’ll get better gradually as things settle in further, i promise you but in the meantime," Kanan shrugs his shoulders, “Look I’m not saying that you all can’t have serious talks with him on occasion when it’s situationally appropriate, but at least do your best to try and stagger them and don't draw them out for to long, okay? Don’t gang up on him either or you'll probably push him into collapsing. And for Force’s sake guys, be selective in picking your battles at least for a few weeks. Think of this as him having the psychic equivalent right now of a bunch of broken ribs.”

Sabine purses her lips still looking a bit unhappy at these instructions, but she nods at him in understanding, Hera tilts her own head at him knowingly then – the look in her eyes clearly promising additional coming conversation. Which Kanan had already been expecting: their short chat over the comms earlier this morning had certainly been an important start yes, but it had also been anything but Hera Syndulla’s definition of 'necessarily comprehensive.'

Zeb just snorts softly at Kanan’s advice, with a small shrug of his shoulders, “I hear you Kanan, and it’s not gonna be a problem - at least from my perspective. All of us have needed fresh starts from time to time in our lives. Only seems fair that the kid gets a chance at the same sort of thing. Besides, Ezra’d have’ta voluntarily be in the same room with me on a regular basis right now for me to even try to pick a fight with the kid. If I wanted to. Which I don't. And frankly speaking good luck for any of us in terms of managing that at the moment. I know it’s going to be awkward for awhile well all of us are sorting out just what the new normal around here’s actually going to look like.”

“Good,” Kanan says, genuinely smiling at the larger Lasat as he reaches out to put a grateful hand on the other male’s shoulder. “I’m really glad to hear that. Because Ezra’s willing, more than willing really, to try and start over at this point, Zeb, but he’s still more than a little off balance. And on top of that guys, it also looks like he’s quite possibly also physically sick right now as well and just didn't mention it.” His eyes shift to look over at Hera. “Which is why our first priority after this conversation is over is going to have to be locating a planet off of Lothal with a decent, affordable medical clinic ”

Hera shakes her head. “Wait a minute - he’s actively, physically *sick* now Kanan?” Her eyes widen a little in alarm. “You didn’t mention this to me earlier… What's…”

“He just mentioned the issue to me over the past hour or so, Hera. Don’t panic the issue in question’s actually chronic, and its completely non-contagious. It’s serious yes, but not exactly life-threatening – or at least I’m ninety-nine percent sure at this point that's the case. That doesn’t change the fact though, that Ezra’s still lived on the street for over seven years now without any kind of real proper medical care and that given what he told me he’s going to need to be to have a checkup as soon as we can possibly manage to arrange it." He pauses a moment, uncertain, "Even if it means tapping our emergency fund until I can liquidate some of my own emergency assets from storage in order to make it happen.”

“Of course, Kanan." Hera in quick to reassure him, "We’re actually doing just fine there at the moment. And we can always start taking jobs again right after Ezra gets any kind of needed treatment. Unless you object for some reason I think we should all just head straight for Gorse, because I can think of a couple good places that he can get checked over there, and the work options in that system are always plentiful. So are we all ready to actually get going then?”

Kanan glances back over his shoulder at the teenager who's still asleep in the grass, his lips quirking upward a little bit. “As soon as Ezra wakes up and can extract himself from his fuzzy fanclub, yes, Hera. Which may be more of a challenge than you’d probably suspect. He had meat jerky earlier, so he’s got himself some very, very ardent furry supporters at the moment.”

Zeb snorts aloud. “Well come on then. Let’s go and try and wake ‘em up” He gestures with a hand. “Though actually, it looks to me like Chopper’s going to beat us to that job in particular if we don’t hurry up and join him.” And then he and Sabine walk together toward the dark haired teenager still sprawled out in the grass.

Kanan’s eyes turn briefly to Ezra’s location then, his eyes narrowing slightly as he sees Chopper coming to a stop just at the end of Ezra’s outstretched legs. He hadn’t consciously registered the way in which the droid had snuck past him off of the ramp of the Ghost while he and the others were lost in conversation earlier, unfortunately. He'd hoped to get to Chopper first before Chopper got anywhere near Ezra again. As they say, the best laid plans. He doubts the two will be able to say much to each other right now without risking Zeb or Sabine overhearing anyway, still, , once they all get on board and he’s got Ezra settled somewhere to sleep for the night – probably Medbay again until they can figure out the issue of more permanent quartering - he and Chopper are absolutely due for a very important chat that Hera had also better be a part of. 

He turns his eyes to his lover, then, “Have you had it out with Chopper yet, about everything that’s happened Hera?”

Hera sighs, rubbing at her left lek for a moment, “We’ve started, yes but we definitely haven’t ended that particular little conversation. Why?”

“Because I’m going to be joining the fray in spades pretty much the moment that I can get Ezra set up in Medlab with another bolster of Amalyn I think. He’s going back to taking bolsters at full strenth for a few more days by the way, Hera, because the Amalyn is *finally* working the way its meant to and doing a kriff of a lot more good just in general now that Ezra's not constantly taking new damage from actively resisting the restoration of the training link. That said Hera, I also have some other new information for you now, that Ezra made me aware during one of our most recent conversations that you are definitely going to want to know about in terms of who and what actually catalyzed Ezra's little freak out.”

“What information exactly?”

“The fact that Chopper apparently became aware of a few of the secrets that Ezra’s been keeping well before you or I actually did so Hera. Chopper *knows* Hera. He’s possibly known the truth about Ezra for days or even weeks now.” 

Hera’s eyes widen hugely then narrow again at that particular announcement. “You mean about the…?”

“Yes. And right now if I'm completely honest I am seriously ready in my darker moments to try and space him." 

"...Chopper knows about the time travel," Hera repeats the words yet again, partly in genuine confusion, partly as a request for further clarification.

"Yes Hera. He appparently started suspecting the possibility statistically well before any of the rest of us and he clued Ezra into the fact yesterday afternoon when the two of them went to the electronics market together after Ezra fled the ship. Chopper apparently saw Ezra buy a bottle of Brandy he was so close to flipping out, and so he bought him a pair of matching shot glasses as a gesture of apparent solidarity and then offered to drive Ezra on the way out to the temple after Ezra predictably announced his impulsive intent to carjack in reaction to the gift. Most likely so that while Ezra was intoxicated Chopper could further interrogate him about the specifics of his ongoing situation.”

Hera swears in Ryl, expansively. “Chopper what?!”

“He aided and abetted Ezra’s whole scheme in order to probe him for more information, Hera. Then apparently decided after a few hours of drilling Ezra of the particulars of what he'd epeienced that that he’d finally learned enough about what was going on that and it was time to bring us into the loop as well, for whatever reason. Which is when he ditched the rest of Ezra’s booze out of the side of their transport on the off chance that we wouldn’t find out what he’d actually done and switched back on his locator beacon so that we could finally find the two of them."

Hera curses again, scowl deepening, “Okay then yeah, he just lost a kriff of a lot more than his regular allowance for a while, clearly. He bought Ezra shot glasses in the middle of his emotional meltdown? I swear to the Little Gods Kanan, when I see him next I am going to literally kriffing murder him. Or at least take disable his electro-prod for a few weeks or something.”

Kanan snorts. “Yeah well, you’re going to have to get behind me for that particular privilege at the moment, Hera. You really have no idea how close Ezra came last night to completely mentally shattering under all the stress that he's been lugging around on his own. If I’d had any clue at all before I got there what was truly driving Ezra's behavior I’d have approached the entire situation from an entirely different angle. Force Hera! Just my asking Ezra in jest if he was a time traveler if Chopper had bothered to clue me in would probably have been more than enough to completely push him over the edge, or at least that's what I’m guessing anyway. We would never have needed to wind him up the way we did for so long, much less lay an actual kriffing finger on him!”

Hera sighs softly in response to that admission tiredly, reaching out to squeeze her lover's arm consolingly. “You did the best that you could under the circumstances, Kanan. Don't beat yourself up for what happen...especially Ezra's already forgiven you for the fall out from your fight."

“Yes I did the best I could with what I knew. Which was unnecessarily poor information. Kriff Hera, I’ve even apologized since then to Ezra for what happened, not that he even seems all that upset by it that he'll acknowledge as far as I can tell. Probably because he's just too karking relieved to be able to stop hiding by literally any means at this point to bother sweating the details. The kid’s been through so much already, Hera, it literally blows my brain to pieces just thinking about it. He should not have had to endure me tearing into him like I did. Even if he’s apparently far less angry about how it all went down right now than I am. Now if you’ll excuse me, Hera…” He gestures back over to Ezra and the astromech. “Under the current circumstances, I’m more than a little a bit concerned about leaving those two together even with Sabine and Zeb there to limit their conversation. Ezra may be ready to declare galaxy wide bygones right now where Chopper's behavior is concerned but I’m not feeling anywhere near as generous about things . Chopper’s about to be in the proverbial doghouse for a very long time at least where I am concerned because of everything that happend. Whereas Ezra, for the record, is just temporarily grounded as long as he sticks to following orders as well as he has been so far. ” Kanan snorts softly, “Force he’s not even fighting me on the subject really, Hera. Which probably means that he knows that he deserves it. For now at least anyway. We’ll wait and see in a few more days if he becomes any less compliant or unresisting when he starts feeling better.”

Hera nods. “Noted, Love. Though please make sure to let me know later what the specific terms of that grounding actually are, Kanan. In the meantime, it’s probably about time for me to finally go over there as well and just break the ice again. Now, does he know that *I* know about the who time travel thing yet?”

Kanan winces hard, then nods emphatically. “That would be a definite yes in answer, Hera.”

Her eyes narrow at him. “Is there some kind of problem, Kanan?”

“Sort of – look Hera, when I told him earlier that I'd told you the truth without any kind of pre-warning, the kid had a full-on panic attack.”

Hera winces. “Do you know why exactly, Kanan? Was it something in regards to me specifically knowing, or was it just the effect of too much unresolved stress - too much, too fast essentially I mean?”

“Some of both, truthfully, Hera. Or at least I suspect that's the case anyway. We can talk about the subject more later on tonight if you’re feeling up for it.”

“I should be, I think. Though I may try to to crash for a short nap first.”

“Not a problem. For now, Hera just be aware that in addition to what I already told Sabine and Zeb earlier, Ezra’s not going to be looking for conflicts with any of us if he can possibly avoid it, but he’s still going to bear some careful watching for a couple of weeks. Not because I expect him to openly rebel - he's genuinely relieved to have someone again to lean on and look to. He’s just also prone to occasion moments of severe irrationality right now as he tries to process through everything that he's endured. What he logically knows about what's happened and how he feels about it all are two very, very different animals, and right he can be very unpredictable in terms of whether or not his head or his heart is making the necessary decisions. He's not always particularly rational in his thinking.”

Hera smiles softly, “Isn’t that all true for most adolescents, Kanan?”

“Yes. For the most part anyway. But as we've already just learned the Hera, when Ezra in particular goes off the rails his impulsivity goes up by a factor of at least five of ten and his stubborness also tends to kick in. He doesn't think he just reacts - not always wisely. He's good at rationalizing even insanely stupid things. Especially if he’s under severe pressure or strain at the time and sees no safe way to try and vent."

“Understood. Well come on then, Love, enough forewarnings for now, I'm not saying the information isn't good for me to know, but this probably isn't helping his levels of paranoia either. Let’s go ahead over there and get him.”

Looking over again, Kanan can see that Ezra, Sabine and Zeb are all sitting in the grass now. Zeb with a puffed up dark grey mottled loth kit in front of him, hissing. Sabine with a piece of jerky in one hand, a black loth kitten on one knee and a reluctantly amused expression. Ezra still has a tiny white and grey sleeping loth cat curled up again the curve of his hip. He waves a little at Hera. “Hey,” he murmurs his face a potent mixture of sheepishness and uncertainty. “Long time no see, Hera.”

Hera looks down at him for a long silent moment, her jaw twitching. She looks at him a moment, then rubs the base of her left Lek for a moment, before finally speaking.

“Chopper, Zeb, Sabine, can you please give me, Kanan and Ezra a couple of moments alone?”

Zeb huffs a little grunt at that. “No problem.” He glances at the loth kit still puffed up like an oversized ball of cotton on the ground, “Wasn’t exactly making friends with this one anyway,”

Sabine also nods without real comment, gently setting her new friend on the ground without a word, rising to her feet and walking with Zeb back toward the ship. Chopper for his own part, gives a short collection of whirs and beeps, looking from Hera to Ezra to Kanan, then back to Hera with obvious question – clearly inquiring if he is also to be invited to be in this little conversation. Hera presses her lips together tightly, crosses her arms over her chest and then shakes her head.

“No Chop. This is between me and Ezra and Kanan at the moment. I know that you know the truth as well but your timing on sharing that information has been less than what I’d call convenient. Which we will be talking about in detail later. In the meantime why don’t you help out by going and redocking the Phantom for me please, so we can leave as quickly as possible once we're done with this conversation.”

Ezra doesn’t say anything but from his spot still sitting silently in the grass, Kanan doesn’t miss the way the teenager winces empathetically at the droid’s clear dismissal by his captain.

The astromech, for his own part, beeps out a grumpy objection, but then turns to do as she asks. Hera waits until he’s departed then looks back down at the teenager still in the grass, whose lap is still full of kittens. He doesn’t even attempt to meet Hera's gaze for now – his eyes very deliberately locked firmly on the animals. His hands have started tremoring again, albeit so slightly that most people probably wouldn’t even see it. Hera probably does. Kanan, for his own part, can also feel the storm of mental chaos that is currently building behind the kid's shielding. He flails around for a moment or so, helpless, looking for something to help break the tension.

Hera beats him to it though, - her voice calm but soft when she finally speaks. “Ezra please put down your friends and stand up.”

Ezra immediately complies, gently uprooting his passengers one by one and setting them down in the grass to his right, before rising slowly to his feet, his eyes still deliberately downcast even as he does so. The teenager's lack of eye contact means that his whole body starts in shock when only half a second later Hera steps forward and fiercely hugs him. Hard enough at first in fact, that Ezra actually grunts softly in response. Then Hera’s pulling back from Ezra's personal space again, scowling slightly, her hands coming up to grip on Ezra’s shoulders and to shake him gently, just once. “You broke our deal, Ezra. Not too mentioned that little stunt of you and Chopper's scared the kark out of me.”

“Yes. I did Hera, and I’m sorry about all that.” Ezra shifts on his feet awkwardly, though at least Hera has full eye contact from him now.

Hera puts her hands on her hips, scowl deepening, “You better be, because Twi'lek have infamously long memories. Do that again and you will not like the consequences, Ezra. At all. I have yet to meet anyone who likes a year straight of sanitation system duty.”

Ezra's lips actually twitch up just a little bit ironically at that. “As I already said Hera - I understand. And again, I'm really, really sorry.”

“Well alright then." Hera lets her hands drop back down to her sides before continuing. "Look Ezra, I’m not going to belabor this subject anymore okay,. Because you’re not an idiot and I also know that you and Kanan have been talking all of this pretty extensively ever since he first caught up to you and to Chopper. Not to mention that all three of us know now that there have been some…extenuating circumstances shall we call them, just making everything you've been faced with all that much harder for you to manage. Now that the cat’s finally out of the bag though Ezra, may I also assume that you’re done with any further lies or other games whenever humanly possibly? Though yes, I do understand that there are going to be times when everything is going to get, well complicated, speaking quite frankly. Which is why, Ezra I want you to promise me right now that with absolutely no exceptions ever, you’ll just come and talk to Kanan or I whenever you feel like you;re catch twenty-twoed or it feels like you're cracking under the pressure.”

“Whenever humanly possible yes, Hera. I'll try.”

“Then that’s all I can really ask. Though on the subject of your ‘ditch out’ as I think we should call it for now, Ezra, I really think that it’s only fair under the current circumstance that you still honor all the work that you promise to do for me aboard the Ghost in terms of maintence and cleaning regardless of whether I’m taking you anywhere afterward or not. We'll just consider it the current cancel fee for you earlier bargain breaking..”

“Also agreed,” Ezra answers instantly, his voice still soft but also calm, his face much much more open. “As I've already said, Hera I’m really, really sorry about how its all gone over the past couple of weeks…I just…well it’s been.” He shrugs his shoulder almost helplessly.

“I can well imagine, Ezra. And for the most part you’re already forgiven for everything that has happened. Though that forgiveness doesn’t really change the fact that, for now at least, Ezra your word is very weak currency with me. You’re going to have to work at re-gaining lost trust in the weeks to come, I hope you get that, even under all the extenuating circumstances.”

Ezra shrugs once again. “Like I just said. I understand Hera. I know that I more then have it coming. And it’s not like I’m going to be going anywhere for a while at this point am I, anyway? Which mean that I can take whatever time it requires to earn your confidence back without griping.”

“I’m sure that you eventually will, Ezra." Hera says with a small smile, "Look, as I said before Kanan told me that he and you have already sorted out other kinds consequences for what's happened the last few weeks, which I have no issue with. Other than what I just mentioned about the ship work I’m content from here on out to let the issue be.” She glances at Kanan, “Unless you have any objections Kanan, to Ezra finishing up the tasks he agreed to do for me earlier for some reason and want the issue of his deal breaking handled differently?”

“No objections at all, Hera, just so long as you know and can live with the fact that Ezra will need to prioritize said work for you *after* his regular daily meditation, academic studies and his daily drilling. Oh, and while he's still recovering he can't do any of the above at the sacrifice of needed recouperative sleep. Which means, Hera that said list of chores could take a while yet for him to get through...definitely longer than the two weeks originally agreed to if Ezra's also going to finish healing, get treated on Gorse and also meet his other scheduled commitments.

Hera shrugs. “That’s not a problem, Kanan. Like Ezra said, we’ve got plenty time. I’m even willing to set up a weekly work schedule for him so that it doesn’t take up all of his free time either. There is such a thing as balance after all - especially when you're actively.” She looks back at Ezra, crossing her arms over her chest to study him “Speaking of which - what’s this that Kanan mentioned earlier about you telling him that you're apparently sick, Ezra?”

Ezra winces and draws in a deep breath shooting his Master an almost pleading look. Kanan knows that the skittish teenager had hoped to let Kanan be the one to completely handle this particular topic if possible. He reaches up to rub the back of his neck. 

"Just go with blunt, Ezra." Kanan advises, "It's both easiest and it's fastest." “Uhm...okay then...two years from now Hera or right about that, in my old timeline anyway, I had some bloodwork drawn as part of my flight physical back when I was flying with one of the Rebellion Fighter Squadrons. And the tests when they came back showed that I've apparently contracted one of the local Lothalian strains of Hepatitis. I don’t really remember which variant in particular....” He pauses and then bursts out with more words in a hurried awkward rush. “Though I do know that you don’t have to worry about it all that much right now, Hera…I mean I can’t give it to anyone on board who got the standard set of recommend childhood innoculations as kids which I remember all of you did. And Lasat can't catch this strain at all so you're all safe there too. I mean it shouldn’t really be that big of a pr….”

“Ezra.” Hera cuts the stream of words off almost instantly after the end of the first sentence. “I’m not worried about myself or any of the others right now okay? I’m worried about you. How on Lothol did you end up contracting…?" She tilts her head, chewing her lips for a moment, clearly rethinking the intelligence of the question. "Were you allergic to the inoculations for some reason when you were younger? Or did your folks have religious objection to them? They give most people those shots by age five, and the imperials took your folks at seven.”

Ezra just shrugs his shoulders a little helplessly. “Uhm...I'm really not sure, Hera. I mean I don’t think I was allergic or that we were religiously opposed, anyway. I do know that I was sick for quite a while initially as a baby and then again as a toddler but then I was also pretty premature when I was born and it took me awhile because of that to get healthy enough for that sort of thing. Not only that but I'm pretty sure than there was a vaccine shortage for quite awhile after the Empire first took over Lothol. I remember that my parents were still trying to get me caught up before they were eventually arrested, and after that, well…” He shrugs, distinctly noncommittally. “They didn’t exactly offer childhood booster shots at the under the table places that I visited when i could actually afford it back when I was living on the streets, Hera. And the free clinics that gave them out all always required current IDs.”

“So then it’s been awhile since you’ve had any real basic medical care Ezra? ”

“Other than visiting one of the local chop shop placed when I needed help setting broken bones or couldn’t reach in order to put in needed stitches? No medical stuff at all since before my seventh birthday, truthfully. Other then a guy in downtown I paid to help me pull some screwed up teeth.”

Hera stares at him for a moment, her face horrified and her mouth widely agape, and then she shakes her head and once again resumes speaking.

“Well all right then…that considered, it is definitely decided. We are going to leave Lothal just as soon as we can possibly manage it Ezra, to have you checked over properly by a doctor. – We’ll go to Gorse I think - both to pick up some new jobs in system and more importantly diagnosed and treated. “

“All right.” Ezra nods, then chews his lip for a moment, clearly still thinking.

“Ezra is there anything in your tower right now that you would urgently need to get to take with you when we leave, or things you need to get out tucked of sight?” Kanan asks the teenager softly.

“No. Well, at least not really anyway. Though now that I think about it, I guess that it might be a good idea for us to take my speeder along as well. It needs a couple of basics repairs right now sure, yeah, but I can probably get the parts that I need without much difficulty in just about any electronics market. And once it's fixed up then there'd be no need for any of us to double up riding anymore.”

Hera nods, “All right then. We'll head back to the tower for now then, crash there for the night, grab whatever we need first thing in the morning and hopefully leave orbit tomorrow by lunchtime or mid afternoon at the very latest.”

Ezra opens his mouth then closes it. Opens it again his expression both conflicted and uncertain. 

“Is there a problem, Ezra?” Kanan asks him after a moment. 

“Sort of. Maybe...Look....Guys...Can we… can we be back here to Lothal in another five or six weeks, do you think?”

Hera blinks at him. “Uhm why Ezra, exactly?”

Ezra seems to debate with himself silently for a moment or so before shrugging his shoulders in response and just speaking very frankly. “Because I have a couple of old friends named the Sumars you guys who are going to need some assistance at right around that that point that I helped provide them the last time in my originating timeline. If we don’t come back by then and I don't help them out the same way I did before then they’re probably going to end up arrest and maybe interned in one of the camps on the other side of the planet, and I really really don’t want to have to come back and bust them as an alternative option. For one thing i am guessing that it'd be much, much more time consuming.”

Hera blinks hard several times at this particular announced. “And you know this is going to be an issue for them how again/ Ezra…?”

Ezra raises a brow at her. “Time traveler Hera, remember? Who do you think busted them out of their prison transport when they protested their farm's impoundment the last time around? Well me and Zeb did it together anyway.” Ezra’s eyebrows knot up. “Though admittedly I’m also going to have to figure out an entirely different way to go about doing it this particular time around, since I also seriously doubt that I'll find myself in possession of a stolen tie fighter when it's needed.”

“Possession of a what?!” Hera squeaks out then gaping at Ezra baldly.

The younger Jedi just waves a supremely uncaring hand at her in response to that reaction, “Look don’t worry about it right now, Hera. It’ll inevitably go differently this time around. Just…can we please be back here in about another six weeks? Because I really, *really* don't want to have to plan another jailbreak honestly.”

Hera’s right lek starts twitching in agitation. She glances over at Kanan who can’t help but smile back at her a little helplessly in reply. “Welcome to the ride.’” He murmurs wryly under his breath, “And apparently, to our lives in general from now on now that we know, Hera. Ever since I found out the truth, he’s been dropping these lovely little tidbits of his about his old life at least once or twice a day.”

Ezra looks vaguely affronted at this particular comment. “Hey!” He protests pointing at Hera a little bit accusingly. “She’s the one who just said that I was supposed to come to you both with these sort issues, or did I somehow hear her wrong?!”

“Yes. I did. Ezra” Hera allows, her hand reaching up to rub at the back of her neck, still blinking. “Though admittedly I hadn’t realized at that point quite how far down the rabbit I would shortly be falling in making that request. Look, Ezra, I’m not saying no or yes to you question right now, okay? Because obviously, these people are very important to you…”

“Yes they are. As well as to the growing Lotholian resistance over the next few years, Hera. They help get out some very important tech data and a bunch of other kind of stuff like that that helps a whole bunch of people.”

“Well alright then. All that acknowledged, Ezra, we obviously aren’t going to be doing anything for now without further discussion about *everything* that you remember. ” She eyes him skeptically for a moment or two then. “You and Zeb actually stole an Imperial Tie Fighter at some and used it in a prisoner liberation in your original timestream?”

“Yes. And then we kept it parked somewhere secretly afterwards out on the outskirts until we needed it again. Boy were you - or OtherYou rather, ever pissed about that too when she finally found out what we'd done, but then to be completely fair, Hera, later on the thing became absolutely crucial to all of us saving Kanan’s eventual bacon when he was captured by the Inquisitorius. So, as I like to put it in these kind of circumstances, Bygones?”

Kanan glares at him for a long minute, then crossing his arms over his chest. “You know, Ezra, I’m starting to seriously worry about your particular fondness for using word, Kid.”

Ezra just shrugs spreading his arms wide in reaction. “Hey, I’m just calling it like it will probably be, Kanan, as opposed to how it currently is.” Then he picks up the smallest of the several Loth kits who is currently attempting to scale up his pants leg, still mewling. “So, Hera…I wanted to ask you about something. These guys all appear almost ready to be completely ready to be weaned judging by how they were eating the jerky I had on hand earlier and this one in particular appears to have an active eye infection that looks pretty serious to speak frankly. It's in need of antibiotics quite frankly. I remember that OtherYou mentioned once or twice before that the Ghost has had vermin trouble after stops at some ports on other planets. That fact considered, If I do all the care and clean up until after he’s healed up, what exactly is your standing on temporary ship pets that look like they might be naturally born mousers? I mean just until I can get Squawk here well with the help of some antibiotics from a local vet and then teach him how to hunt for himself out in the wild again?”


	16. Family Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes before you can go forward, you have to go back.

“So let me get this straight,” Sabine scowls down into her cup of caff, clearly disbelieving, “Ezra breaks your nose when you track him down, *after* he runs away from the Ghost in direct violation of a deal that he both made and then *oathed on* with Hera. He is supposedly grounded for this-“

“There is no supposedly about it,” Kanan replies sighing deeply.

The teenage girl snorts at that, “But despite that fact his 'punishment chores' are currently being limited to no more than two hours a day total…in order to make sure that he’s also getting both free time and time for his studies. And that will be shortened even more if you or Hera take a look at the kid at this point and frankly decide that it looks like he’s more in need of a nap...”

“He’s still healing from major psychic trauma right now, Sabine…” 

The Mandalorian just chuffs softly, “And still, despite all of the above, Hera’s apparently decided to reward Ezra's actions over the past couple of days by letting him take onboard not just one but two loth kittens – possibly indefinitely?” Sabine snorts aloud, “Kriff remind me to act up a little bit more often, then. Since it clearly increases some people’s odds of receiving blatant *spoiling.*”

Kanan sighs yet again at the sarcasm, resisting for now the urge to roll his own eyes. Because yes he’ll acknowledge that from a completely uninformed perspective Sabine’s assessment of the situation could be considered mostly right, but Force, right now his Padawan's clearly not the only crew member who’s recently grown progressively more and more salty over the past few weeks.

Because Sabine Wren is clearly working in a sodium chloride ROCK MINE at present.

Across the galley from them, Zeb laughs aloud, as he makes himself a late night snack. Kanan glances over at the older Male’s amused expression and figures with a sigh that he should probably consider himself lucky right now that both Ezra and Hera are soundly asleep.

Ezra because the poor kid would no doubt stress himself out over Sabine’s current reactions – especially given their earlier conversation about the still oncoming readjustment period ahead of them, and Hera because the twi'lek pilot would no doubt take genuine offense to Sabine's digs at present.

To be fair to Hera, that’s probably only because she - unlike Sabine and Zeb - actually has a fairly good grasp on the actual situation where Ezra is currently concerned, and Hera is actively struggling to adapt to that reality even as they all speak. The twi’lek pilot has clearly already started rewriting her own interpretations of the past couple of weeks with frankly terrifying rapidity, much as Kanan initially had after Ezra had told him the truth, and now his lover's eyes have started to take on the beginnings of a very particular, very dangerous sort of gleam. 

Kanan just doesn’t known quite yet if that gleam is aimed at Ezra or at Chopper more for the moment.

‘Well we’ll be finding out soon enough either way.’ Kanan's analogy about standing in the eye of a hurricane earlier may have been profoundly more accurate than he’d really first understood. Ezra may be calm – almost eerily so right now in fact, but that mostly comes down to the teenager's soul deep exhaustion. Whereas Hera is just starting to truly put things *together* – which means judging by some of her most recent thoughtful expressions that they’re probably due any time now for the first of probably several necessary additional discussions.

In the meantime though there is Sabine – who in addition to being salty enough to melt a glacier at the moment, is clearly finding it harder than the rest of them to let go of her lingering resentment toward Ezra and what had happened up at the tower almost a week ago now.

Which means that it’s probably past time for them all to just get to the heart of her issues directly.

So Kanan girds his metaphorical loins, and gets right now down to it. “One, Sabine– Ezra did not ask for a pair of loth kits to keep aboard the Ghost as pets. He asked for Hera's permission to bring one sick kit aboard temporarily in order to get it treated professionally for its ongoing infection– something which he has also explicitly stated that he is willing to pay for out of his own pocket.” “Two –“ He sets down his own mug on the galley table, “Hera was the one who insisted that Ezra choose a second kit as well when she agreed to the arrangement in question, in order to assure that once the animal starts to truly heal they’ll chase each other around the ship and not be nipping at all our heels constantly like a pair of bored fuzzy demons. Three…at this point, there are also numerous outside extenuating circumstances to Hera's final decision. Not the least of which is the fact that our next stop, Gorse? Was one of the place where we actually have picked up rodents before, and the spray that we had to use as a result to kill them off? Made both Zeb and me want to rip out our eyes afterwards because they burned so badly in reaction. A cat – even one allowed on-board just temporarily - is a far friendlier way of dealing with that problem if the same thing happens again then the alternative. And number, four…”

“You and Hera are both apparently horrible saps who are actively spoiling him rotten, Kanan.” 

From across the room, Zeb snorts aloud again, than speaks up before Kanan himself can produce reply. “Hardly, Sabine.” He says bringing his own plate over to the table and sliding into the booth beside Kanan. “Littler one of those two fur-ball’s has got what looks to me like a very, very serious ongoing eye infection right now. It’ll most likely die without some sorta aggressive antibiotic treatment. Without veterinary care at this point it’ll at the very best go blind in one or both of its eyes eventually– leaving it very vulnerable to starvation and a slow, painful inevitable death.” The Lasat takes a bite of his sandwich then, before shrugs mammoth shoulders, “And maybe it’s just me n’ all Sabine, but demanding that a tiny innocent puffball of fuzz that the kid’s obviously grown emotionally attached to over the past couple of hours endure any of the above just cause the kid finally hit an emotional wall after nearly a week of all of us deliberately pushing him there seems a little overly punitive, when you consider that Ezra and Kanan have now apparently officially buried the hatchet.” 

Zeb shrugs his shoulders again, “Not to even mention that I’ll bet you almost anything that even if vermin in question weren’t a real concern right now when we finally do get to Gorse, Hera’s likely banking on the both of the little stalkers being not just good mousers generally speaking but also all around therapeutic for Ezra just in general at this point. At the very least they'll make it a kriff of a lot harder for him to actually try and bolt on us again.“

“Huh?” Sabine blinks at the Lasat in confusion.

The older male just shrugs, “Remember - Kanan said earlier the kid’s got a thing for connection right? That mean’s he’s particularly good with creatures. And Ezra was practically dopey cute earlier today when we found him with his little fan club. It’s pretty clear he finds the little chaos bringers soothing…” Then Zeb shoots the teenager a particularly patient look, “And Firecracker, I don’t exactly remember you complaining when you first came on board the Ghost and Hera got you to admit one day that you really liked to paint and draw....and then responded by showing up a few days later from the market with a bunch of canvas, paint and brushes from the market before pushing Kanan and I into throwing together your first easel for you. So maybe you might want to be, I don’t know, a little less dog in the manger about the whole situation?”

Kanan blinks at Zeb’s words for a moment, because yes, he had been thinking nearly the same thing about why Hera may have consented to let the animals on board. At least in terms of the ethical implications of making Ezra leave the sick animal behind to die at that point as some kind of punishment, but the therapeutic angle on why Hera might have also consented to the arrangement hadn’t actually occurred to him until Zeb had mentioned it. Though admittedly, Zeb is absolutely right, that those would all have been very believable motives on Hera’s part. Ezra, after all, had very respectfully and earnestly asked her for something in the way a wise child would from their parent. And considering that The Ghost does actually have to deal with rodent infestations from time to time thanks to their ongoing port hopping – and considering that he and Zeb’s allergies to the sprays are genuine? Well, Hera saying yes to the Kid’s request had been a simple way for the twi'lek pilot to build up some serious emotional currency with Ezra, as well as hopefully provide him with some desperately needed catharsis under the current circumstances.

All of that acknowledged, Kanan hopes to kark that the duo’s actual names don’t stay simply ‘Squawk’and ‘Squeak’ for the entirety of their adult lives. Because even if the rest of the crew doesn’t get emotionally attached to them as well. (Which is high unlikely: Kanan knows full well that The Ghost has had a cat before, he’d once found a litter box and a small treasure trove of cat toys in storage while they cleaning out the lockers and had been informed by Hera at that point that ‘Old Vin’ had simply died off old age a year or so before he’d first come aboard the ship, having been a resident of the vessel when she’d purchased it, and Zeb likes most living things...well when they aren’t actively attempting to eat him, anyway. Sabine meanwhile, for all her apparent griping about the entire topic at hand, had also rapidly realized on which side each of the two loth kit’s bread was buttered and she had been slipping bits of meat to the larger of the two furry siblings ever since trying to become it’s favorite. So Ezra is not the only one on board who is covetous of cat-snuggle time, quite clearly.)

That admitted, the two loth-kits definitely won’t stay small and manic forever, and in Kanan’s opinion at least, adult cats need dignified names to keep them from morphing into total idiots as they continue to age. Seriously - the stupider an adult cat’s name the stupider the animal in question turns out to be in its maturity, at least in Kanan’s own personal small creature related experience from the creche.

That fact clearly recognized, Kanan should basically *force* Ezra into picking out new less annoying names for the pair of loth- kits as soon as humanly possible. Even if the Ezra does ask him why and then declare his master utterly ridiculous after hearing his actual explanation. Just as well hung for the sheep as the lamb, to speak very frankly at this point in time, Kanan figures.

Because after all, Kanan’s neither naïve or stupid in the face of this situation. He knows full well at this point in time that there’s less than a thirty percent chance even if both kits *are* restored to full health and taught to hunt for themselves once they both reach adulthood like Ezra’s promised, that they’ll actually be released back to the wild by the rest of the crew willingly when the time is right for it. They have all just essentially sold their souls to two mottled, cotton puffed cat beasts. But considering the fact that right now both said demon spawn are currently curled up atop Ezra’s chest in medbay purring at him madly while he sleeps, Kanan is more than ready to accept this turn of events for the time being. Especially he notes, since the smaller of the two kits, literally loathes Chopper for some inexplicable reason and tries to chew him to pieces every time that the astromech tries to get anywhere near Ezra right now. A fact which Kanan currently finds both hilariously funny and deeply, deeply *deeply*personally satisfying.

Not to even mention Kanan knows, after an earlier side discussion with Ezra on the subject - that the original Ghost Crew had apparently never had the time or the patience for anything so normal (well by the lothcat standard, anyway) as a pet. Kanan’s guessing, if he asks the younger man, that the teenager would probably claim that that was because there had never been the time for something as normal and silly and banal as an animal companion. 

Never mind how good such an opportunity could have been for a soft-hearted kid so clearly talented at making connections.

And yes, Kanan knows by now that Ezra is no average teenager – and that they probably have a whole handful of potentially bloody, rough years still lying ahead of all of them. But along the way? The Kid could stand the chance to…well… actually *be a kid* occasionally with something more in his life than oncoming war and all it’s resultant anxiousness. Because yes, Kanan acknowledges, more than a little bit grimly: Ezra’s made it very, very clear at this point in time to Kanan that he feels that it’s literally his calling in life to assist the Rebellion with their ongoing fight against the Empire. And Kanan? Well Kanan can probably even eventually learn to live with that reality, just so long as he’s also karking sure that along the way Ezra Bridger also learns to grasp the concept of life balance. 

Because after all, Kanan’s not deaf – he’s been observing Ezra almost constantly since he'd first learned the truth about his time travel, and frankly, he’s more than a little concerned about a couple of things that he's been both seeing hearing.

Like for instance, this subtle coating of clear self-doubt and self-derision that Ezra wears like a cloak concerning both his innate intelligence and his worthiness of respect regardless of his limited amount of more traditional schooling and upper society ‘polish’ - unlike his presumable Rebellion side friends. The kid clearly already has some budding self image problems in play. And Force if all of that isn’t some seriously sublimated but also deeply unhealthy self-judgmental classist banthakriff. Like kark, Kanan thinks more than a little grimly to himself, are the Kid’s only real options for his future going to be pilot, bodyguard or thief. Not if Kanan has anything to say about it, anyway.

Not that Kanan objects to any of the above jobs in theory mind you. Force, he’s in love with a pilot, has been (and some days still is!) a profession thief as much as he's anything else... and in some senses he'll always be a bodyguard as well to the people around Kanan who happen to need it. But all wars – even the one which Ezra already seems so totally committed to? Eventuallyhave to end. And the people without a plan for what they’ll do with their lives after said war is over? Are usually the first ones buried in the graveyard when the final cannons have sounded.

So Ezra – via Kanan initially – is going to need to develop an actual plan for his future. For a life as more than just a soldier in a never ending war. And if that is actually going to happen then the kid clearly needs the chance to actually grow the kriff up, and to have at least a shadow of a normal kid’s actual life again. The kind of existence that involves at least some (mostly) regular schooling, attentive adult supervision - and yes, though Kanan hadn’t expected Ezra’s request and had in fact been more than a little surprised himself when Hera actually agreed to the arrangement– the opportunity to experience a few normal things along the way, like small and probably demon-possessed pets.

Which is why Kanan draws in a deep breath and looks at directly Sabine, “Ezra deserves the chance, like the rest of us have had at one point or another in our lives, Sabine to experience at least a little bit of normal childhood and adolescence.” Kanan’s voice, when he finally speaks these thoughts aloud is soft but firm as he finally addresses the Mandalorian’s complaints more directly. “And I mean the good parts of growing up too, – not just the order and the structure and the discipline. Because it’s like you said yourself, earlier, when we all first went out to his tower and I told you all what little I'd learned about Ezra’s early years: it wasn’t fair to him at all, that after the way he lost his parents, Ezra's entire childhood was basically right out from under him in the aftermath. But it still happened, Sabine, whether it was fair or no. And now, sometimes in some small ways the rest of us can start to hand bits and pieces of it back to him by consenting to things like this in the strikingly rare moments when he asks for them. If you want to call that me and Hera spoiling him, then I won’t try and stop you, because you are of course entitled to you own feeling and opinions on the subject. But Sabine? Just know for the record that your opinion is just that - a karking opinion. And the rest of us don’t necessarily share it with you at present. And in the meantime, just…be careful okay? That you’re not giving too much of your head space to planting or tending to too many pointless or unhelpful grudges or resentments.”

“I’m not.” Sabine grumbles back. “I don’t even really care about the kits that much in particular if I'm really honest about it, okay? It’s just…well, Kanan do you realize that Ezra hasn’t even actually apologized to me and Zeb for what he said to all of us up in his tower the other day?! You know, back when he first claimed that we were all ‘trying to be good people’ as if that’s not him basically just stating outright that failing miserably at it!” The teenager flails her hands, then clearly more then a little offended, “And I’m just what… supposed to be okay with his attitude right now after everything that just happened with the two of you? Because frankly stated I’m having a little trouble swallowing his sheer hypocrisy at the moment.”

Kanan opens his mouth in order to reply but Zeb actually interjects with more words before he can again. “None of what the kid said the other day was actually petty or inaccurate Sabine. And also for the record, Firecracker? He doesn’t owe any thanks, in my book to any of us at the moment.”

The Mandalorian turns toward Zeb and glares, but the Lasat doesn’t so much blink before he continues speaking. “Be honest here, Firecracker. I did abandon him to the enemy without even trying to really help him first – not just once but twice when I voted not to go back and save him, and how was that but anything but a bad guy move on my part? Now admittedly I did so initially because I thought that they’d go easy on him. I didn’t know what he actually was at the time– which is sort of the point in this case. I refused to see either the kid’s worth or his vulnerability. An’ yeah ...I’ll also admit that happened cause I was seriously pissed by his behavior at the time. But Sabine, that emotion shouldn’t have added or subtracted any value from Bridger’s life when I first made that decision. I didn’t have the right to judge him that way. Well, unless you’re actually saying that it’s okay for any of us to judge a person’s whole life by the hour or day or so that we’ve actually seen of it…Last I checked, no one deserves to be abandoned by someone he's actively trying to help just for being a little age-typically reckless or otherwise irritating.”

Kanan nods at all of this and opens his mouth to interject further thoughts on the topic, but Zeb holds up a hand in order to still him, apparently not quite done speaking his mind on the subject. Which Kanan figures is fine, since the Lasat has clearly been actually doing some serious internal processing over Ezra’s words in the past day or so. “As for the rest of his accusations… the Kid was mostly right there too, Sabine. Because like it or not, we did all vote on whether or not we were willing to go back there and to try and save Ezra him when he’d already proved that he was more than willing to do the same for us in return. Which considering that we were only there on theat ship in the first place in order to try and save a bunch of folks whom we’d never even met? Was more than a little hypocritical frankly speaking. Arguably the only justification that any of us coulda used at that point in time that would’ve been any good at all, was that 'the needs of the many overshadowed the needs of the few in the ongoing situation,' but we can’t even claim that much ended up proving true considering what happened afterwards can we? I mean how many more beings woulda died if the kid hadn’t been recovered and then hadn't chosen to share the information that he'd learned with us? We only completed our mission to save the Wookies *because* of Ezra, Sabine.”

Zeb sighs heavily, his broad body slumping in apparent depression. “The plain, cold truth of the matter is that I just didn’t want to risk that much for the kid at the time. Because as I said he was irritatin'. Not to mention more than a little bit abrasive and reckless and annoyin'. It was painfully easy under the circumstances for me to just say he just wasn’t worth any furthur personal sacrifice – that he’d been more bad then good in our lives up until that point. ” Zeb just simply shakes his head before concluding his thoughts. “And pain in the ass or not, the kid was absolutely right up in his tower when he pointed out that actual people are far, far harder to love than noble causes are. Never mind that causes are Karabast useless when the kind of people that they’re supposedly protecting just end up being used as expendable tools in the process, and you end up starting to look and actjust like the people that you claim are your enemy.”

“I didn’t betray him, Zeb!” Sabine insists, snapping back, “I karking didn’t! Not just by voting no on trying to go back and save him anyway, when it was so statistically unlikely at that point, that we’d succeed in getting Ezra off that ship again without all dying ourselves, in the process! The truth is, I still don’t understand even now how that retrieval went off as well as it did.”

Kanan speaks up then, softly. Well aware that they may have just found the real source of both Sabine’s anger and her ongoing guilt about Ezra’s statements the other day. The Mandalorian teenager doesn’t want to own up to the fact that at least on a subconscious level, she’d been unwilling to risk all of their lives for Ezra's after just that brief period of interaction with him aboard the Ghost. Going back to save him had made no sense at all in terms of her own personal cost benefit.

After all getting Ezra back after Zeb and not Sabine herself had screwed up on that first mission to locate the Wookies, hadn’t been nearly as important in Sabine’s mind as guaranteedly keeping all of the rest of them. Which considering that Ezra had been ready to sacrifice his own life as well if necessary to make sure that the rest of them could be safe and happy , meant that the two teenager's end goals on that day had been pretty much identical. Which is incredibly incredibly ironic. Because Ezra had been prepared to kill *himself* for all of their sakes if needed, due in part because of his terror and grief over the ongoing situation. Whereas Sabine had been prepared to kill Ezra. Which made both of their responses less than healthy in the moment, quite frankly speaking.

“We pulled the rescue off as easily as we did, Sabine,” Kanan finally quietly intones, “Because when we returned to the ship, Ezra was already in the middle of busting himself out – unlike most normal civilians would have done in similar circumstances. He heard over the com of the helmet that he’d stolen that the Ghost was coming back and he stopped what he’d been previously planning and diverted a bunch of storm troopers away from where we were docking The Ghost instead. He helped to save us *again* Sabine, even after what we had done to him, because he decided in the heat of the moment that holding a grudge was less important than saving the lives of the people who needed saving.”

Sabine snorts at the that, tilting her head to stare at him unimpressed. “Yeah well Kanan, I also have to assume that Ezra found our return to the vessel pretty kriffing convenient at the time too. I mean how else was he ever going to get off the ship?”

Kanan raises an eyebrow at that assertion. “You’re assuming that he can’t pilot anything else himself, Sabine – and yes I'll give you the fact that he’s pretty young. But Ezra's also mentioned to me more than one that he can pilot several light craft at this point in his life. not to mention that he’s strong enough in the Force, Sabine, that he probably could have mind tricked someone into getting him off the ship if there had truly been the need. For all we know of things from his viewpoint at the time, Ezra could have just as easily let us just be the distraction in that scenario and stolen a different means of flight entirely and then just messaged us once he was safely away – in a mirror betrayal of earlier betrayal. But he didn’t, Sabine. Because like I said, he’d found the information that *we* were looking for when he was captured and he chose to share it with us instead of hold of grudge. He chose to take a chance in that moment. To forgive us for what we'd done and simply do what he thought was right at the time.”

“Yes! Exactly!” Sabine bursts out then, “You just made my entire karking point, Kanan! I mean it was stupid as kriff tactically for the five of us to go back there for Ezra at all, but you and Hera and Chopper all voted yes to doing so, and then we all did did it anyway. I presume because you guys decided that it was the morally right decision to forgive Ezra's past behaviors and give him another chance despite what had happened! And Zeb and I backed you guys up when that was the choice that you made.. Not that he seems to want to give us any credit at all for that particular decision!” Sabine crosses her arms over her chest as she finishes up, scowling deeply.

Kanan blinks at her a moment and then pauses a moment to carefully consider his wording. “Sabine, did you really just imply that you think that Hera and I both voted to go back for Ezra the way we did because we were trying to be morally superior people in that particular situation?”

Sabine's headed nod is accompanied by an emphatic verbal, “Yes.” 

“Well I’m sorry, Sabine but I’m going to have to have to disagree with you completely there. I voted yes to returning to that ship because we were clearly in the morally inferior position at the time, and we desperately needed to make things right. Because Zeb, Hera and I had all failed the Kid by that point, and we'd done so badly. And once we got him back, frankly speaking Ezra didn’t owe Hera, myself or Zeb a thank you for a single karking thing!”

“Excuse me?! And why the kriff not!?”

“Because he’d been the one who was betrayed and abandoned first, Sabine! And we? Were the one who’d put him in that position to begin with even when he first came aboard the Ghost he was a near stranger, a minor and had neither adequate weaponry nor any training! Until Ezra ultimately told us about the Wookies, Sabine, he was just a passenger on boardThe Ghost– an irritating one yes, but just a street rat that we dragged along for the ride rather than take him home first or to Capital City or leaving him back at Tarkin Town where he probably would have been safer We were the reason he was in danger in the first place to speak very frankly.”

Sabine blinks at him a moment, gape jawed, and Kanan reaches up to rub his forehead wearily. Because clearly they’ve all lost sight of reality regarding the actual complexity of this entire situation. Not that Kanan can really explain that to Sabine or Zeb at the moment. Because after all as he and Hera now know, Ezra HADN’T been acting as civilian from pretty much the first moment that he’d come aboard the Ghost– not really at least. He’d been operating with his own set of goals and priorities at the time – namely to save both them and the Wookies without letting the others realize that was what he was doing so deliberately or otherwise altering the time-stream in the process Not that that fact is currently relevant at all to this particular conversation about Sabine or Zeb's motivations.

Which is why he sighs deeply and continues softly, his voice as gentle and as honestly questioning as he can make it. “Sabine are you honestly angry right now that Ezra isn’t apparently ‘grateful enough’ to all of us for coming back and risking our lives in order to try and rescue him when the only reason that he needed to be saved in the first place was because he’d agreed to put his own life in jeopardy for all of us at Hera's request? Even after we’d clearly made it obvious to Ezra on multiple occasions before that point that we didn’t personally value him so much as see him as a temporary inconvenience to our own ongoing plans and mission objectives?”

Sabine jerks as if she's been slapped at that comment “Kanan, for kriff sakes, you invited him aboard the Ghost even after he dropped right into the middle of our kriffing robbery! How is that not us, as you just put it, 'recognizing his life's greater value?!'”

“We took his prize away in payment for letting him come aboard, Sabine. Even after Ezra’d risked just as much of himself to get it by that point as the rest of us had.” 

Or Kanan figures, with a little bit of hindsight, that’s no doubt technically how Ezra in the first iteration of the time stream had probably seen Kanan and the others’s decision to invite him on-board. The kid had no real comprehension, at that point, of the fact that when Kanan had first made the initial invitation the older Jedi had no clue *at all* that Ezra could get the crate that he’d stolen up and into the ship with him. The older Jedi leans forward then, to emphasize his next sentences slightly.

“We just took his prize back, when we finally let him on board the ship, and we let Zeb intimidate and throw him around with almost no comment when he protested that particular decision, without once paying any serious attention at all at that time to the fact that Ezra openly told us that he'd only taken said crate in first place because he needed to *eat.* We all but mocked the claim. And after that Sabine, we all went to Tarkin Town and we made him help us feed a huge group of equally hungry, completely passive strangers instead!”

Sabine pauses then crossing her arms across her chest, clearly both aghast and a little alarmed at where this conversation seems to be heading. “And how were we supposed to realize how that was going to look to him at the time, Kanan? I mean I just assumed when he made that comment about needing to eat that he was being flippant!”

“’Assumed’ being the word of the day in that particular situation, Sabine. Tell me something...Why is it that the beggar with his hand out pleading for food is somehow more deserving of something to fill his belly then the street rat who’ll fight to fill it instead? Because what else did what we do basically imply when we did that to him, but that his proper response to his own pain should be to plea imdefinitely for mercy from a world that has repeatedly shown him he's unlikely to get it?”

Sabine huffs at that, her jaw twitching uncomfortably in acknowledgement. Then she unfolds her arms and sighs very deeply, letting her hands fall to her side “Kanan, Ezra didn’t exactly come across as someone who was starving at that point in time, okay? Or even as someone who needed anything from anyone!”

“Yes well looks can be deceiving. We all ought to know that better than anyone shouldn’t we?” Kanan sighs heavily, swiping the back of his hand across his forehead. “The kid was fourteen years old when we all first met him, Sabine, and he was homeless. His entire life has been an endless merry go round ride up until that point of being abandoned, overlooked or forgotten by multiple people. And for him, that's just normal every day existance. It wasn’t our leaving him behind on that ship that actually shook Ezra up, Sabine – not even the tiniest bit at the time. It was our coming back for him afterward that literally shocked Ezra initial speech, because after all he had no reason at to expect at the time that would ever happen through the lens of his own previous history.”

“Exactly!” The teenager bursts out again, still clearly exasperated by the ongoing conversation, “And Ezra should have been damn grateful for it at a result! That should have earned us at least a little currency with him – a little bit of trust at the moment! After everything we all risked for him.”

Zeb raises an eyebrow at that particular assertion. “Like the kind you’d give to a dog that the seller reassured you would only bite you hand when reached out to pet it fifty percent of the time? How is that situation any safer really, then what Ezra thinks he's currently facing, huh Sabine?”

Sabine just stares at them both, her mouth agape. “We are people, we are not kriffing dogs, Zeb!”

“Yes. We are people.” Kanan allows, reaching up to rub at the muscles on the back of his neck wearily, “And people…'good people' especially, really ought to know better than to act like animals. Or to treat other people like they're nothing more than tools, Savube. Yet over and over everyone that Ezra’s ever known has done exactly that to him, not just once but repeatedly. And frankly at this point in his life, I’m kriffing relieved to see that the Kid actually sees that banthkriff for what it is and for the most part refuses to accept it.” Kanan’s eyes grow dark for a moment or two, as he takes another drink of caff from his own mug before looking at the Mandalorian again. “Because believe me, Sabine, there’s not all that much distance really, between a tool and a weapon. And as strong as Ezra is in the Force even now with only four years of training its absolutely terrifying to think what could have happened to him...and what could still happen now for that matter, if he didn't recognize both the problem and the difference. The Kid *should be* running like hell from anyone who treats him like he's some kind of tool on any regular sort of basis… which we had done, Sabine when he call us on it up there in his tower. His words sting because he's right that our unaddressed hypocrisies left all of us a serious threat ongoing threat to his well being." Kanan draws in a deep breath then, before letting it out again, "That Ezra and I and Hera have all managed to bury the hatchet since then – that he's allowing us another actual chance - is a literal miracle, and one that is fueled right now by equal parts terror and plain old sheer desperation.” 

He leans forward slightly, sighing “You keep on saying that Ezra owes us special thanks? For *what* exactly Sabine? For Zeb, Hera and I going back to that ship in order to rescue him - to set right the wrongs that we intially all let happen? When we all put him in that position in the first place?”

Sabine rolls her eyes, “It was Zeb’s fault, Kanan! Not yours or Hera's! He's already admitted as much himself!”

“Maybe. From an overly simplistic perspective, Sabine. Because Hera and I were both culpable too each in our own ways- Hera because she sent Ezra in there to save the rest of us like she intially instead of just getting the two of them out of there like she could have while she still could have managed it without to much risk. Which would have been fairer to Ezra at the time honestly, considering that he’d never consented to risk his life for those Wookies like the rest of us had. And then there’s me, Sabine: who also repeated failed Ezra once he was on that ship, by not properly monitoring the situation during our retreat back to the ship like I should have even though I karking well knew at that point that Ezra was actually the most vulnerable of all of us since he’d had none of our group tactically drilling and only that slingshot of his as a weapon. He'd just risked his life for all our sakes, and in return I provided him with terribly inadequate protection on the way out, Sabine.”

“And me, Kanan?” Sabine scowls, “What exactly did I do to Ezra to not deserve recognition of the risk I took when I went on that ship to help save him?” The Mandalorian scowls. “I did nothing to that kid, Kanan…had no part in him getting captured the way he was. Yet I still risked my neck in order to help get him back, and I still get absolutely no karking credit at all! I’m just as bad a person as the rest of you must be, apparently!”

“No you didn’t do anything initially to Ezra, Sabine…well outside of a little bit of guilt by association, maybe. I mean, did you ever explicitly condone Zeb's behavior of him where the kid could see it when he was throwing Ezra around at the start of the journey Sabine? Because if so then yes, you still have some issues with Ezra whether you want to admit it or not. If not? Well we both know guilt by association shouldn’t count. Kriff, I’ll even point that fact out to Ezra for you if you want me to – but only if you’ll first answer me a question absolutely honestly...”

“That being?” Sabine crosses her arms across her chest defensively.

“Why didn’t you stay on the ship with Hera when we went back to get Ezra?”

Sabine gapes at Kanan then, slack jawed, “Excuse me?!”

Kanan leans back in his chair, regarding her candidly, “It’s a very simple question, Sabine. You originally voted no on going back for Ezra at all, and when we got there you could have always stayed behind on The Ghost with Hera. No one was going to force you into coming onto the ship if you didn't think the risk was actually worth it. So why didn’t you stay back on the ship with Hera while the rest of us went to find Ezra and get him free?”

Sabine gapes at them both for a long moment, before responding, clearly incredulous, “Because the rest of you guys were going to need backup, Kanan! if you were really going to insist on doing something that dangerous! Obviously!”

“So then were you really there for Ezra at all at the time, Sabine? Or were you actually there for *us* – and for yourself- because you didn’t want to lose us truthfully?”

Silence fills the room. Kanan leans forward then, his voice gentle but also no nonsense. “Because if it’s the later, Sabine…then this grudge you’ve got going against Ezra at the moment is frankly just you flinging repeated spitballs at the wrong address. And you might want to see about adjusting your actual targeting a little bit. Because Ezra? Is not the person that you’re really mad at here Sabine– or at least he shouldn’t be. Not when it’s me, and Hera, and Zeb who actually screwed up and then had to go back and try and make things right afterward, and not Ezra. We're the ones who put you in the position in the first place when all three of us kriffed up, Sabine. Because Ezra was right, Sabine – the three of us were NOT good people that day, despite our very best intentions. Because none of us are perfect and all of us can get short sighted...”

“Including Ezra. So stop constantly kriffing excusing him.” And yes Zeb is right, Kanan acknowledges more then a little bit wryly, there’s some definite dog in the manger in her tone at the moment. Not that Kanan doesn’t at least on some level understand. the teenager is actually pretty typical in terms of her current source of resentment. Teenagers after all, Kanan knows by this point in his life, are almost innately all about the concepts of balance and fairness, and the perception that either have been denied tends to cause a lot of anger and brooding. Perhaps because it usually takes most adolescents a couple more years of actual adulthood for them to starts to realize that 'fairness' and 'justice' are not often actually the same thing in most actual situations.

“No, Ezra isn’t perfect Sabine,” Another voice speaks up from the doorway then, and Kanan turns to see Hera, who is leaning against the door frame watching their ongoing discussion quietly. "Any more than the rest of us are innately required to be. But right now Ezra's also not the one who's actively avoiding facing up to his own actions. He has apologized for multiple ways now that he screwed up previously."

Kanan's expression turns regretful, then as he pivots in his own seat to face her. “We didn’t mean to wake you up, Hera, we’re sorry if we got too loud with this discussion…”

“You didn’t wake me up, Kanan. I just got up because I'm also hungry.” Hera steps into the room then. Her eyes still locked on the teenage artist as she ambles toward them, taking the cup from in front of Kanan and taking a long drink before accepting the half of Zeb’s sandwich that the Lasat offers her silently. “I want to ask you a question, though Sabine...we can just call it a hypothetical for the moment, okay? Which do you think is the more ethical option just generally speaking...saving those that you love at the guaranteed cost of your own life? Or letting a complete stranger die in order to do it for you instead, willingly?”

Sabine blinks at the seemingly random question, considering it for a long moment, silently. Then she shrugs her shoulder, “I ... I can’t say yet for sure one way or another, at this point Hera. I mean I’d need way more information on the person that I didn’t know – what kind of person are they? What could their loss cost the world overall in terms of contribution over the scope of their lives? Who'd leave more helpless dependants behind at thier death..them or me?”

“And if you didn’t know any of that, Sabine? If you couldn’t know any of it? Who’s life is automatically worth more to you in that kind of situation? The stranger’s or your own for the sake of someone's loved ones on the final balance sheet?”

“…I” Sabine lets the words die off, helpless. “I don’t know, Hera. I can’t know really. Though I suppose my gut instinct is to say that because I don't know for sure whether it'd even been voluntary that I hope in that kind of situation that I'd just instinctively pick me.”

Hera nods, “Ezra knows the answer to that question already, Sabine. For himself anyway at least. Because the other day, Sabine? He answered that question for the sake of all of the rest of us quite literally.” The Twi'lek pilot slides into the seat on the other side of the Mandalorian from Kanan, and then she reaches out to squeeze the teenager’s shoulder, very, very gently, “After all, remember Sabine…Ezra was ready to *voluntarily* sacrifice himself in order to save all the rest of you, when he first went into that ship to warn you it was a trap at my bewuest. He chose in that moment to act despite any previous way that we'd treated him. And he didn't even do it for love. If anything really, he did it for *me* - he conceded out of respect for my love for all of you even at great personal risk to himself in the process, Sabine. Disregarding everything at that moment he did so but our innate value as living sentient beings." Hera draws in a deep breath, "Which means that if we hadn't gone back to that ship again to try to get him back after everything that happened, if Zeb, Kanan and I didn’t at least try and make things right once Ezra had been left behind then I would have all but but involuntarily been sacrificing the ‘stranger’ involuntarily Sabine. And as for you?" Hera shrugs, "You essentially did the exact same thing yourself, when you voted no to going back for Ezra after our initial escape even after seeing such a blatant show of courage on his part for all of our sakes. You chose, at least metaphorically in the heat of that moment, to let the stranger die involuntarily in order to save the rest of us, Sabine.” 

The Twi’lek’s lips curve up then, wryly at the edges, “So I’m sorry, Sabine, but in my opinion at least, Ezra was absolutely right about what he said when he was up there in that tower. I certainly don’t plan to make it a habit of it or anything. I mean, I want to learn and actually change as a result of the experience. But that day at least, I have to agree with Kanan and Zeb that we were all just ‘trying’ to be decent people. Because Ezra was absolutely right: real people are often messed up and complicated ..you have to work at loving them, whereas white washed 'noble causes are deceptively easy to dedicate yourself too. Probably because there’s almost nothing truly three dimensional about them. We thought were being noble in what we were all doing on that day Sabine -risking ourselves for the sake of other beings who we could easily romanticize as much as we wanted for as long as we wanted to. Whereas Ezra? Was *actually* being sacrificial. He put his money where his mouth was, quite literallly. How did he put it again: All lives have to count for something or eventually none of them will. That is probably the most poignant explanation of codes over causes that I have ever heard.'

Sabine blows out a breath, clearly shaken, and speaks again her voice finally cracking with strain. “Fine. So then he was right, Hera, and we were wrong. He’s clearly a better person than the rest of us are by nature then. Whatever...” The Mandalorian crosses her arms stubbornly, and breathes in shakily before exhaling. “Then why by that same standard shouldn’t Ezra also be held to a higher benchmark in terms of his requirement to recognize and forgive those who wrong him when they screw up if that’s what’s ultimately required for them to continue to grow and change. Why shouldn't he be held to a higher standard, concerning giving second chances too?”

Hera’s lips quirk wryly as she looks over at Kanan. “Because, Sabine - 'Moral authority in one part of life does not equate to moral authority in all of it. And I'm betting thag the same goes for moral clarity in this case too.'” The Twi’lek quotes back to the Mandalorian softly, and Kanan barely resists the urge to snort aloud in response, hearing the all too familiar words he’d said to Hera the other night when they’d talked in the kitchen whrn he'd tried to comfort her in the wake of Ezra's trying to show the metaphorical door t o all.of them. 'Some concepts,' Kanan really can’t help but notice, 'just seem to be pulling a bizarre sort of double and triple duty as of late.' But then again like he’d told Ezra just earlier this morning, truth in it’s pure form is meant to function as light. And sometimes the situations called for the lighting of a candle and sometimes you needed to switch on a flood light of self reflection instead.

Zeb, while Kanan considers this fact, speaks up one more time, his voice both very compassionate and also a little gently chiding. “If the Kit had everything sorted out about life then what good would it do him to stick around with the rest of us? Huh Firecracker? Have you ever considered, Sabine, that maybe smart or not, compassionate or not, given the nightmare that he's had to survive over the past fourteen years, Ezra might actually need us every damn bit as much as we damn well need him?” 

Kanan nods agreement, also elbowing the teenager softly. “I mean after all Sabine, who knows better than the five of us really about the need for second chances? Or the power of the chance to actually live them. Ezra kicked our tails the other day on the nature of sacrifice right?” Kanan shrugs his shoulders, “I figure if we kick Ezra's tail in return in regards to the need to learn to.practice forgiveness, then maybe debt wise we'll all actually come out even in the end."

Hera nods her head at that – “Wise words from both of you. I definitely agree." Then the pilots considers all three of them for a long moment, her eyes going suddenly distant as she considers their current circumstances . “Look I still don’t even know what caused this conversation exactly, guys. As I said, I’m here to eat, check up on Ezra and go back to sleep Well assuming Ezra 's furry little hellions haven't take this chance to appropriate me bed...” The pilot snorts almost fondly as she says this - and yes, these are clearly loth-cats of soul stealing. Kanan can tell already. “But since I know that its been a long few weeks for all of us, and we’ve all no doubt still got air that still needs to cleared between all of us, then maybe after we pick up a mission or two on Gorse and come back to Lothal again it’d be a good idea for us to, I don’t know, dig out the tents for a couple days and have a chat with the locals about some good places to go campi…”

The other three cut her off simultaneously before she can get out the word, “Kriff no, Hera! Absolutely no camping!”

The twi’lek frowns at that, crossing her arms at the pronouncement stubbornly. “And why not?” She demands, “ It’s been over two years since we last tried. Why exactly are all of you even afraid of?”

“Other then the flood?”

“The fire…?”

“The roving group of random Gundarks?”

“The that lake you insisted would be good fishing spit, that had nothing in it *at all* that was actually palatable to eat?"

Hera scowls at that particular laundry list, dourly, then spread wise her hands, “Guys seriously! That was on one trip, okay! On an entirely different planet. I really doubt something like that will ever happen to us again.”

“No camping, Hera!” The other three repeat again insistently. Then Zeb snorts “On our last attempt at a picnic there was an appearance of roving wamprats."

"Not to mention that incident with the near skunk the last time we tried hiking just on a day trip…”Sabine interjects.

“Spoil sports.” The Ghost’s captain shoots back all but sulkily in reply to the rapid fire comments.

Sabine snorts. “No, Hera. We’re just possessed of what is known as actual basic survival instincts.”

Hera scoffs aloud at the assertion. “Seriously, the way you three carry on, you act as if I’m literally cursed in that subject specifically.”

Kanan just raises an eloquent eyebrow at his lover in reply.

Hera points a stern finger at him. “Not a single word out of you Kanan Jarrus, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Kayden 8, Hera. Head Sized Mosquitoes.” He shoots back mock sweetly, looking far too innocent even as he does so.

The Ghost’s Pilot responds to that comment by smacking him hard upside the back of his head. “Fine.” She snipes back, taking another bite out of her sandwich. “Though I still you’re all overreacting. Still, once Ezra’s been checked over on Gorse, and we’ve taken a job or two just to nicely pad our pockets, guys, we’re definitely taking at least a few days worth of actual vacation.”


	17. CAD AUish Snippet: Two 'Minor' Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (A tiny little Control Alt Delete AU(ish) Crackfic based on some season 4 Spec that has been floating around fandom. Please not that this is not to be taken as canon in the verse. (Well at least not very likely unless they seriously surprise me.) I just found the idea extremely entertaining to explore and the resulting conversation with some fandom buddies predicatably amusing when I let my muse loose on it.)
> 
> Lynnie you clearly need to stop encouraging this side of me... ;p

“…You’re saying that I’m your maternal Uncle, Ezra?“

Ezra squirms under the older man's gaze. "Uh…maybe? Sort of? The wolves weren’t exactly big before they disappeared on the specifics of our shared lineage, Kanan. And my mom personally never mentioned having any kind of siblings as far as I recall, so I’m kind of guessing right now that its probably more likely that we’re err…cousinish ?”

Kanan just blinks repeatedly in reply to that bit of information. Ezra flails after another moment or so, a little bit compulsively. “I mean I doubt we’ll ever really know – or need to know - without some kind of DNA comparative analysis anyway.”

His Master merely just keeps sitting there and blinking. Because really, Kanan thinks right now, just the sheer irony.

Ezra chews his lip for a moment, apparently growing just the smallest bit worried by the silence as it lingers. “Look Kanan…I only even told you because you essentially pestered me into it, all right. Though I still hold that I wasn’t actually brooding all that much when you came in here. It’s not that big of a deal for you or for me. Or at least it doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be anyhow, all right? I...I know that the Jedi don’t put the same stock in the concept of blood kin as other people do… and from my own perspective Kanan?” Ezra just shrugs his shoulders one more time, more than little bit helpless. “From my perspective the first time around, we were already family long before the loth wolves shared what the new. By mutual decision though, not by any outside arbitrary standard.”

Ezra snorts very softly to himself, “Not to even mention, that when we did both first hear the news the last time around it was like the WORST ever possible timing. It was actually only literal hours before things went to kriff on a scale that just wiped out all other concerns basically. There were like milliseconds to actually process the fact in any meaningful sense. Well that’s how it felt to me initially anyway. Which honestly, makes me a little paranoid now that we both know about this again. Because I’m telling you right now Kanan, if stuff starts literally falling out of the sky in the next twenty-four hours because of your penchant for nosiness concerning these type of things then I’m definitely cussing you out for it when it happens.”

Kanan snorts at that particular warning, albeit softly. "I…I really have no idea at all what to say right now in response to this news, Kid,“ He admits after a moment rubbing at the back of his neck more than a little wryly.

"Tell me about it.” Ezra replies, rolling his own eyes then sighing. “Last time around around I think it was probably the second most awkward discussion that we...well didn’t so much have as mutually agree that we'd just avoid discussing.”

“The second most awkward?” Kanan raises an eyebrow at that disclaimer more than a little bit curiously.

Ezra snorts, making a sweeping gesture in front of himself in response like he’s warding off some kind of bad spirit. 

“Oh no…I’m not telling you about that one, Kanan. Because I figure that with my current karmic balance if I just maybe eat all my vegetables and keep my yap shut I can probably avoid round two entirely concerning the subject.”

Kanan snorts, “Frankly stated, Kid, anything that you’re avoiding discussing quite that aggressively, I'm suspicious of just on principle. It’s kind of like knowing that there are multiple crocs in the water but not knowing which one will eventually end up eating me in the end.”

Ezra snorts at that. "Well fine, Kanan if it’s really going to leave you that kriffing PARANOID. I’m karking Bi, Master. There. Second conversation now completely over with and done.”

Kanan blinks again at that announcement. “And talking about that was a problem at one point, for us Ezra?” He asks the younger man, deeply frowning.

Ezra shrugs, wry and forthright. "For you? No never, not at all, Kanan. But yes, when I was a bit younger it was most definitely an issue for me…for quite a number of reasons. However my own little recent walk on the wild side has kind of put a LOT of previously supposedly world shattering ideas in a much more realistic context. I mean seriously, I’ve watched you die Master, and I’ve karking time traveled. And I figure that if I can say both of those two things with a straight face while I do so, than I can also karking well admit that yes, I think both guys and girls might be pretty much equally hot in most cases for kissing.“ He tilts his head a little to the left, “At least theoretically.”

The teens lips quirk up at the corners, as he looks over at Kanan, "That all acknowledged, Master I’m actually trolling for NEITHER at the moment speaking frankly. I’m slightly more focused right on, you know, us both actually *living* through the course of my puberty this time around. Not to even mention that I’m stuck in a fourteen year old body again which is just…really really kriffing annoying.” The kid waves one hand, dismissive, “But bygones as usual. I figure for now I’ll start actually worrying about that kind of kark at the very, very earliest if we’re both still alive and kicking when I finally make it to the ripe old age of twenty. The way I figure it, six more years to save the galxy at this point is a nice roundish sort number for me.”

Kanan snorts softly at that, “So then you’re claiming that both Hera and I can hold off, on buying the lazer rifles to hang up above the door. You know, for the eventual start of date night season?”

Ezra snorts at that extremely bad joke, “Oh hardly, Master. How do you think that I intend to let any potential suitors down ‘gently?" 'Devotion for the meantime to my ongoing training.' You get to be the metaphorical speed bump that does the dirty work for me in this particular situation.”

Kanan raises a brow at that announcement, crossing his arms across his chest, “So then what…you just expect me to be the bad guy ? Because that seems just a tad presumptious oh Padawan mine…I might just have a date bouncing fee.”

Ezra only shrugs his shoulders. "I have plenty of blackmail if it’s really needed to motivate you concerning the topic, Kanan, but frankly I’m much more a fan of the fair barter system if we can come terms, as you are currently well aware. Or failing that I'll also bend to various forms of other reasonable bribery.”

“So then what you're actually saying at the moment is that you’pay me in cash to scare off any potential suitors.” Kanan says the very last just a little bit dryly.

Ezra halfway waves a hand at him. “Whichever you want to put it will work just fine, Kanan so long as it gets you on board, preferrably with me taking as little banthakriff as possible from you and the other about this particular subject, as they say, afterall, 'Love always comes to the ready in its own proper time.' 

Well, Kanan can hardly argue with the Kid there, can he? He smiles and reaches out to squeeze Ezra's shoulder, "Thank you for your honesty, in regards to both things you've just shared. Give me some more time to process and I'm guessing that we'll end up discussing both subjects in more detail again eventually."

Ezra snorts at that, "Force, okay, just...please don't get like, sappy about it when you bring it up again though, all right? It's hard enough as it is to maintain my will to live on some days already without also having to do touchy feely."

Kanan snorts at that little plea for mercy, swallows down the last of his morning caff, and gets to get dressed for the day. He smirks down at his padawan as he departs. "We'll see."


	18. On the Care and Feeding of Padawans - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (A shortish CAD pre second arc prequel that actually occured in Ezra's originating time stream...)
> 
> Please Note: This story is meant to be a gap filler between the first arc of the series and the second... And involves a closer look at the complex relationship Ezra has/has had with food in the past thanksnto habits picked up while living out.on thr streets.
> 
> There are no trigger warnings for eating disorder because this isn't about anorexia or bulemia or gorging : Ezra LIKES eating just fine in this series...he has just also struggled to know when and how to healthily do so in times of uncertainty or food shortage which had and will have repercussions in some of his ongoing relationships...
> 
> The prompt that spawned this prequel was as follows...
> 
> "In the first weeks aboard the Ghost, Ezra doesn’t really understand that he can take food from the galley and eat it whenever he wants. This ends up leading to some rather serious problems."

Looking back at the entire mess later, Kanan can easily see once they run head long into the resulting crisis point, how it had all essentially grown out of one giant, devestating case of miscommunication. 

When Ezra had first come on board the Ghost after being offered Force instruction by Kanan, Hera had done an on the spot check of all the supplies that the fourteen year old had brought with him onto the ship..- frowning silently to herself at the poor condition of his boots and thenragged comdition of most of his clothes, as we as his clear lack of a properly sized, warm winter jacket. A day or two after that, she'd dragged the kid along with her to the market on her way to.resupply the Ghost, bought him a gently used coat, a new pair of boots, mittens, scarf and a warm hat...then handed him the typical crewman’s cut for the month plus an extra fifteen percent. She'd informed him as she did so that the money she was giving him was to both his ‘regular play money’ as well as that requiree to.secure ‘any other needed supplies and provisions’ that he might need until next time they resupplied the rest of the ship.

Kanan - who’d opted to stay back at the Ghost on that particular afternoon - had simply nodded that same evening at the dinner table as he divided out the food onto five instead of four plates as Sabine and Zeb had both eagerly outlined the details of their latest round of acquisitions…while Ezra had listened with imterest but mostly held his silence about what he himself had chosen to.purchase until Kanan evemtually raised an inquisitive eye at him, wordlesaly voicing the question. 

At that point Ezra had blushed and rapidly pointed out both his new coat and boots with equally quick thanks to Hera. He hadn’t shared anything more than that though-.at least, not until after Zeb had grumpily inquired as to why the rest of them had endes up waiting by the speeder for an extra half an hour while Kanan's padawan spent most of that time sifting rapidly through various boxes and bins in the bazaar's much smaller electronics market.

Ezra had blushed even harder in response to the question, then shrugged, and quoetly imformed the rest of them around the table that whenever he could afford to do so, he liked to buy up, repair and then re-sell broken stuff he found being sold for their parts. It kept him busy and provided extra creds forbthe effort which was useful - especially during Capital.City's coldest part of rainy season.

Hera had immediately nodded then smiled, in response to the confession ... informing him she’d done much the same herself back when she was younger. Turning the fourteen all but beet red as she complimented his industriousness.

After that, the topic round the table had turned to Imperial politics, then to a popular recent holodrama, then finally, just before they all rose to rinse off their dishes, to the discussion of the coming day and it's expected next mission. 

Kanan as result of both that as well of his own compunding before bed chore list, had really only half noticed the small box of unidentified supplies that Ezra had lifted up from next to the door leadung out of the galley and carted back to his bedroom silently with him. 

And after that, Kanan acknowledges ...more then a little bit grimly, the misunderstanding that had started that day out in the west side's central market had only been made worse and worse and worse by what amounted to well worn, well established personal habits. Kanan had always tended to be an early riser by nature…and he always broke fast immediately after rising showering…and when he did so he also tended to.prepare enough breakfast for Hera as well…since she tended to be a bit more blurry in the morning...and would chug a meal.shake or down a meal bar upon rising if not given tastier options. Because of that, when Ezra had already been in the kitchen that first morning after said resupply trip - an already steaming tea mug and an unopened meal clutched loosely in each of his hands, Kanan hadn’t even thought twice about offering as he gathered the needed supplies to prepare an additional portion of ehat he was making for breakfast at the time if Ezra wanted it. He’d figured that the kid hadn't often recently had acess to real home cooking. 

And he’d been right. Ezra had immediately enthusiasticallh accepted. And then, without almost any exception at all short of one time the.kid'd cried migraine and spent a day mostly in his bed, Ezra had been in the kitchen waiting for Kanan when the Jedi entered each morning, always smiling and drinking from the same battered mug. Bhe liked to watch his Master cook and afterwards always cleared and washed the dishes without having to be asked. Which was nice. Since it usually guaranteed Kanan a consistsnt twenty or thirty minutes on those morning to flirt with Hera uninterrupted before seeking Zera out again the kid for either physical practice or instructive meditation. It became a new morning normal that generally speakimg suited all three of them.

At least until that Karabast mission has suddenly gone south, they'd been boxed in and Kanan'd taken a nasty blaster shot to the leg getting them all free again.

The injury hadn't even been all that dangerous until it got infected- though yes it had certainly been painful to near…so much so thay for the better part of two weeks Kanan had shirked his usual devotion to the culinary arts in favor of sticking to his rooms, allowing the rest of the Ghost Crew to bring him various pre-heated entrees to his room when he was actually hungry enough to want something more substantialnthan a meal shake to eat. All which meant, where the proverbial rubber hitnthe road, that Kanan no longer cooked either breakfast for Hera and Ezra nor the ‘personal-favorite-dish, whole family suppers’ that Hera and the others otherwise consistently wheedled out of him three to four days each week.

And absent all those deliberate group gatherings to socialize and break bread in the presence of company, they'd all basically reverted back to eating on the fly whenever they were actually feeling hungry, almost always in distinct, unthinking isolation.

Which is when Ezra had started to look just a little sparse around the edges. Kanan acknowledges, as he nods at the things that the doctor is sharing.

******

“Do you think he’s getting sick or something, Love? Or was sick and just didn't bother to tell us about it.” Hera had murmured the words to Kanan softly about two weeks agao, still.fairly early in the evening, when Ezra had excused himself to go bed…asking just before he did so when they’d next be returning to a planet with an electronics market, after turning down an offered third round of sabaac..

Sabine, who'd been getting better and better at reading Ezra's more subtle cues with practice, had asked The Ghost's youngest crew if he needed more parts for anything in specific- since she too had a small collection of supplies.you used for both repairs and just general engineer's itch types of tinkering. Ezra after a moment or two.of.silence had quietly imformed her that no…everything he’d purchased back in the market on Lothol was already epaired and working just fime. The teenager was just apparently eager to resell what he'd already repaired and buy a few new projects to occupy his mind.

Hera had snorted in reply to that partociular confession, before anouncingbthat if Ezra was still suffering that bad of an unresolved tinkerer's itch then she had two broken power converters she'd gotten along with the ship that were currently taking up room in long term storage, and if Ezra could.by some.miracle get them.working again she'd fladly split the price of their resell 30-70 with him.

Ezra had brightened considerably in response to that offer ...smiling at her broadly and asking their exact location before taking himself off with claims of unusually stubborn tiredness to his bunk. He'd looked pale enough in the dim light as he departed though it had provoked the comment from Hera. Which had made Kanan frown a little, womdering if the teen was in fact getting anemic. He'd made a point then to get up the next morning early and make something high in iron for breakfast.p>

They'd high tailed it to the nearest trustworthy emergency medical facility they could find. Ezra so.sick by the time that they had touched down on Gorse that Kanan had all but run from the ramp to the emergency section of the clinic...increasingly concerned Ezra may in fact be turning septic. The staff had met him practically at the front door...gotten Ezra into a gown, into the scanners, into a overnight room...inserting not one but two IV's in him. Then Hera and the other had show up, having finally found a berth for the Ghost...and Ezra assigned diagnostician had started asking some very uncomfortable, very unexpected too blunt questions…

****

“Does he have diabetes or hypoglycemia?”

“Not as far as we’re aware of…”

“Recent flu or gastroenteritis? Chronic conditions like AIDS or other similar syndromes either immunological.or metabolic?”

“No. *Aids* doctor? He's barely fourteen years old.” Hera's voice is incredulous as her head pivots from where she's been staring almost blankly at the far wall. Mostly since she and the others had arrived and she'd seen EzrA...a mass of tubes and wires in the medbed, Kanan's been the one left to.do all the talking.

The doctor's look is sympathetic but it doesn't stop him from continuing with his questions. “He's showing clear signs of a badly weakened immune system, Captain Syndulla. Hence the leg turning septic. My impression is he's been fostered, yes. Was it right off of the streets? Because exposure to shared needles - or forced. prostitution depending on his age when orohaned or otherwise - is pretty common for homeless kids in this part of space, unfortunately. " The doctor shrugs and then rubs a hand over one eyebrow apologetically... "And his scans and labs are raising certain questions to.speak frankly..."

“Concerning what?" "Why his lab look like they do, quite frankly." Hera's voice is sharp when she speaks up, "And what exactly does that mean?" "The doctor sighs again, clearly consider his words a moment before he speaks up, this time more carefully. "Look...I'm not trying to acuse either of you of anything deliberate...the wound's been properly treated and bandaged. The boy responds to your comfort well even unconscious...he's clearly neat and clean. But I still can’t help right now but note that his ketones are high while his blood sugars are low...far lower than they should be at presentl, when he's actively fighting off infection. "And ketones are?" "A clear imdication that he’s been burning muscle not.food for energy on an ongoing basis…which doesn’t normally just happen in patients Ezra's age without something like diabetes or hypoglycemia actively at play... unless there’s another reason for his acute malnutrition and sepsis than undiagnosed metabolically linked immunodeficiency....”

“MALNUTRITION?!” 

"So then I was right it has progressed to sepsis?"

“Yes. Though thankfully your attentiveness mean you got him here in time. We caught it early. And for the record these kimd of blood results are actually a blessing im disguise right now..as hard as that may be for you to currently believe. These kind of issues are certainly scary to consider but also relatively easily treated. I’m asking you the questions I am.because complete knowledge or.no, you're still more experts on Ezra's past history than I am...and we need to.figure out if the malnourishment's an issue of his diet, his metabolic system.or his digestive track..”

Hera opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. Then her shoulders slump forward a.little. “I see. And I.understand. As for his medical history...I'm sorry he hasn't been with us all that long yet. Just a few.months. And no during that time he's never mentioned any kind of medical issues to me.” Her eyes.pivot toward Kanan... He shakes his head silently. "For now with that as a base what's your suggestion as to treatment?"

“Well I want to keep him overnight for two days at minimum…to give him IV antibiotics for his leg wound of course but also to record his dietary intake and monitor his blood sugar and insulin levels. We'll.also double check his electrolyte, vitamin and hormone levels as well...look for metabolic or digestive syndromes If his issue is chronic and just undiagnosed up.until now then it shouldn't take us all that long to nail.down the identifying the symptoms… If it's not… "

If its not, Kanan thinks to himself with a tight unhappy grimace then he's just the moron who assumed that a fourteen year old pick pocket who'd had to steal on the regular for years in order to eat at all would somehow be miraculously schooled on good nutrition. "....Then you'd all probably benefit from a few visits from our dietician. She's a most helpful, most instructive lady." 

*****

“What the kark is going on Kanan?” Hera practically hisses out the words the moment that the two of them leave the clinic…Kanan had honestly half expected her to go postal even before that... To immediately descend on Ezra's bed again in search of immediate answers, even though right now between the meds and fever Ezra was more unconscious then simply asleep. But no, instead of turning back to the oom where Ezra is sleeping the Twi’lek pilot had immediately exited the building, headed back toward the Ghost with an agitated stride practically the same moment the Doctor had finished up the last of his questions. Though yes, Kanan’s also notes a little wryly...that doesn't mean that they'd left Ezra alone. He's bedside vigil right now includes both Zeb, chopper and Sabine. The former most whom Kanan notes to himself with no little irony, looks to be trying to steal the pudding off Ezra’s waiting food tray before the kid has a chance to waken.

“I’m not sure yet just yet, Hera….” Kanan acknowledges very very reluctantly... even as he follows her up and into the heart of the Ghost, because honestly he’s just flabbergasted. This… all of this makes no sense at all, not as far as as he can see. He feels a little as if he’s staring at a puzzle that is currently missing more then a quarter of its most critical pieces.

“I mean repeatedly returning low blood sugar..he was burning ketones regularly? He must have felt literally awful...all but dead on his feet...but he never once said anything to either of us? For days? Kr worse than that for literal weeks?" She pivots in her pacing, heading back way she"d come. We have a fully stocked medlab for kriff's sake Love. What... Why the kriff didn't he one actually say sometbing.? Was he afraid he'd get charged extra for act med care…I told him that that kind stuff is free just like tbe contents of the pantry. I explained it all like I did when we went clothes shopping and I gave him his first share of crew cut that very first week....! ” Hera freezes then, going abruptly utterly pale...as if recalling something suddenly. And then she curses heartily.and loudly....horrified, in her native Ryl before pivoting on her feet and heading straight toward the supply room attached to the galley.

Kanan follows close behind her in growing alarm… “Hera? What? What?!" To be fair her words as they'd spilled out had been best translated as, "Wait. No. Fuck no. Little Gods. I am.such an.IDIOT..

Bera for her own part just stops right inside the supply area, throwing opening the cupboard doors.then gesturing at the stocked shelves insistantly... "You generally do most of our galley shopping list every month, yes…? And manage the food inventories....”

“Yes….” Because he does almost all of the day to cooking. 

“Then take a look at the supplies ...excluding the stuff that you use when you’re cooking for all of us jointly. Look at the free acess stuff and then tell me what you see.”

Kanan blinks, because the order makes no sense. Until just as rapidly it does, he turns cursing roundly..knowing in that moment, without knowing how what he's going find.

Because yes- all of Kanan’s earlier estimations about the amount of staple ingredients he’d need when cooking for five not four Specters were holding up just fine even after he’d adjusted the needed amounts to reflect for another hungry crewmember. (Well member and a half technically, because Zeb never minds leftovers and he remembers full.well how much Janus had teased him teenage boys wanted and needed to eat.) 

But anything else foodwise that Kanan or Hera hadn’t personally prepared or offered to Ezra themselves…? Any thing that he or the other’s hadn’t explicitly invited the kid to partake of…?

Was stocked well above where it should be at this point in the buying cycle. Markedly.

As if one of the people it had been purchased for Simply. Wasn't. Eating.

“I told him ....the day I bought him his coat in the market that the rest of what I gave him was for ‘provisions’ and maybe a few fun little extras.” Hera speaks again, horrified, her face pale with deep.shock. “But I meant stuff like clothing and toiletries... I didn't give him that many creds....twenty percent above normal post job crew's cut…” I just assumed he knew...I never considered he might have actually thought..."

Hera..and Kanan for that matter... had both just assumed that Ezra would know from the very first day that he joined on as crew.that his spot came with permanent access to their communal 'take it when you need it’ pantry.

Only Ezra? Clearly hadn’t gotten that particular memo during 'orientation', Kanan accepts with growing dread even as he simultaneously pivots - heading out of the galley toward Ezra and Zeb’s room. Hera directly behind him, now hot on his heels. As a thousand mental dominos fall into clearer and clearer plaace...a clicking row of near silent indicators that - damn it!- he should have been able to see. If he'd been even trying to actually pay attention..

Things like as the way which Ezra had never turned down a meal when it offered to him. Ever. Or even just waved off a snack or drink with assurance he wasn't hungry. Even if the food in question was the forced damned curry fhat kana had made no less then five seperate times before Ezra had finally mentioned in a completemy different conversation with Sabine that eating it left him ‘cranky-stomached and sometimes pretty itchy.’ 

Kanan who had listened in on the conversation from the speeder to the left of them in near silence, had all but instantly diagnosed the admission at the time as a mild to modrate allergic reaction to one of the spices or preservatives in his previously favorite seasoning packet ...and tried something different the next time he’s whipped up a meat stew - which had been been met with universal approval. But even before that had happened...even when a meal made him borderline sick, Ezra had always eaten every bite he was offered at group meals without so much as a hint of dksapproval…so incredibly, consistantly grateful for his acess to all of it.

Which makes sense now Kanan acknowledges to himself a little numbly…considering how many credits Hera had likely given the teenage that day. Because even with extra added funds that Hera had included in the stack of cred chits for personal supplies, there hadn't been enough for Ezra to properly resupply for long even before he'd bought those junk.parts of his in the electronics market.. .

Junk parts Kanan now knows, instinctively without any real doubt or guessing, that Ezra had bought expressely to.fix and.sellll in order to try and pad his ridiculously small ship safe and stable food budget.

Which had been pretty damn ingenious of him, actually, Kanan acknowledges, his lips pressed tightly together, and it might have even worked too...if for.example he and Hera had actually registered the silent mounting desperation in the kid who could claim he was bored and wanted something new to.fix but wouldn't or couldn't admit he'd 'failed' at something as simple as procuring enough personal rations to live on for so long with the pathetically limited amount of creds Hera had actually given him..

No wonder the kid had initially looked so grim in the face of Hera's earlier 'three new jobs in a row before we actually head back home,' announcement..

And yeah, Kanan acknowledges, shortly after that point other things had started slowly getting better. Kanan had gradually started cooking on the regular again…one meal a day from the next day on at a minimum minimum …through what he'd actually made had still varied according to the cintents of the larder and his slot increasing energy levels. Ezra had still always shown up to help with prep and help after with the dishes... practically beaming in delight at his recovering master whenever Kanan had offered a warm plate of something to eat.

'There's grateful and unn atureally grateful. Learn to tell the difference. Kanan’d thought at the time that the kid had gotten a little bit spoiled by all his previous exposure to…well…Kanan's actual cooking. Or maybe he'd arrogantly assumed that Ezra had come to miss their easy early morning chats while making breakfast. But no, Kanan knows now thinking back a bit more ciritcallu, his Master's company hadn't been all for which the damn kid was probably hungry.

Finally reaching Ezra's room, Kanan brusquely keys open the currently sealed door lock...his eyes scanning the room immedietely once he's entered for the small lidded box that he’d first seen Ezra carry back here all those long weeks ago after eating diner after the resupplyn trip with the rest of them in the galley He locates it just seconds later... tucked neatly into one of the small shelf spaces at the head of Ezra's sloppily made bed. Kanan tygs it towards him then lifts the lid off setting it down next to Ezra's pillow carefully.

A couple meal bars are currently the only *real* food that's still visible in the shallow box... along with a couple refillable water bottles Kanan's seen in Ezra's day satchel apparently. The bar on the very top of the stack is clearly divided into several neat subsections. Kanan hisses softly umder his teeth in response to that sight, even as he carefully eases back the wrapper... noting the likely caloric value of each of the sections via the information on the wrapper. The kid hadn't been cold.turkey fasting then, with only water, but it certainly hadn't been a feast. Other than that Kanan acknowledges with a soft sigh immediately after, there seem to br just a couple of snack sized bags of crackers they'd been offered once by one of the vendors 8n thr market - as well as a couple of other various snack bars or drinks that Kanan or Hera had casually stuffed into the younger Jedi’s pockets just before the group took up.ositions for various missions. Well that and a generous handful of nearly spoiled looking fruit that Kanan’d seen Ezra buy by the handful from the small corner store that Kanan had dragged the younger man into so.he could use the fresher just the other day..

Then last but not least there's two final items...the first a familiar faded mug, which ezra drinks.from religiously every morning…As well as the box holding whatever kind of tea the Lotholian had been brewing to drink.

Black Cathyia Blend - A herbal blend of Peppermint, chai and vanilla. A herbal dietary supplement advertised a boost to the the immune system as well as aid for sick stomachs. And there was hoodia in there as well. Listed at the very bottom with a small asterik.

*****

“We can’t yell at him - at least not much, you do know that right?” Ten minutes later they’re both in the galley at the table - Kanan with a sandwich and some fruit on a plate, Hera with a steaming mug of caff cradled in her still gloved hands.

“Well then we’ve got a problem love…cause that’s pretty much all I’m going to be tempted to do the next time I see him, at least at the moment. I just..don’t get how we got here. How in the Little God’s we’ve had part of the crew in survival mode like this for as long as he’d had to be and we just didn’t notice.”

“Ezra’s subtle when he needs to be Hera. It was a pretty basic misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding?!” Hera scoffs a little out loud, draws another sip from her mugs and then sighs out more then a little exasperatedly. “A simple ‘misunderstanding’ would have involved him misreading my intent, purchasing some basic supplies - like he apparently did initially - and then mentioning the moment that I first I told him that it would be a week or longer before we’d been on any planet with a market that until that point he’d need to borrow forward from you and I’s well supplied larder in the galley since he’d misunderstood how long we’d be out and and about between re-supplies. If he’d done at least that much then Kanan this whole mess would have been cleared up immediately.

“He didn’t want to get in trouble for taking what he’d seen when he did it as an acceptable gamble. Eat sparse in the short term while he tried to convert some of what you’d given him to an even bigger payout…which depending out how much you actually gave him he probably saw as necessary to get any new gear you indicated he might need, buy himself some food to get him through in the interim and have a littletucked away in case of other emergencies…”

“Love what I gave him as initial cut…it would have been barely enough to reasonably feed a single person for a month…kark probably closer to three weeks even….if you weren’t skipping meals semi regularly. By the end of the first 4-5 weeks out, he karking well should have said something unless he actually though for some reason we were trying to underfeed him deliberately?”

“One…we were inviting him to eat with us semi regularly - at least in the beginning before I got injured. He probably thought in the beginning that’s why he got the amount that he did…that he only had to fill the resultant gaps essentially. Two - even if he didn’t, for Ezra the amount of cash - straight and up front, may of been a little overwhelming for him to deal for up front when making choices about what he thought was such a broad range of necessary provisioning. Remember up until now he probably hasn’t paid much if anything at all for what he needs on a regular basis. What cash he’s acquired in the day to day has probably always been spare and spent on urgent immediate needs. He didn’t want to get yelled at or look like a fool for not knowing how to provision…for not knowing what he’d actually need while on ship, and it’s relative buying hierarchy… he was embarrassed and concerned he’d get punished for both being ignorant and and admitting he hadn't initially admitted it.”

“So his response to what was happening was to quietly surrender himself to a slow march of half rations with no clear end in sight? Kanan that’s outright insanity!”

“No it’s not.” Kanan said a little grimly, “Not from his perspective really. The Ghost offers more than just regular meals after all…stuff like shelter and training in the Force and semi regular pay he was sure he’d figure out how to manage with more practice eventually. Kark you almost have to admire his sheer ingenuity. After all, the stuff he repaired from the junk market should be worth at least double what he bought them for at this point - once he gets the opportunity to trade or sell them back anyway. It was a canny strategy on his part to extend his resources as best as he could while he figured a working system out. Which might have even worked if we’d been hitting planets with markets a little more regularly.”

“None of which changes the fact he was literally letting us starve him slowly over weeks and he repeatedly said nothing Kanan!” Hera sighs, and finally reaches for the other half of Kanan’s mainly nibbled on sandwich. Which yes Kanan had assembled to both of their tastes knowing full well she’d be pilfering half of it by the end.

“Hunger’s not new to him, Hera.” He tells her then, mostly sympathetically. “It clearly can’t be given what he did buy including the tea…it was just another season to survive - to wait out till things got better again essentially.”

“I am going to chuck that damn mug and box of teabags out of the kriffing airlock.” Hera informs him grimly, her cheerless smile showing all of her teeth.

“Look on the bright side…at least we know now thanks to his leg injury.”

“Look on the bright side?! Kanan?!” The twi’lek shoots back incredulously.

“If it had to happen at all, at least we found out pretty quickly - and we now know it’s not metabolic or anything like that. Which means fixing it should be relatively easy.”

“Easy? KANAN?!” The twi’lek pilot looks at him then, outright incredulously.

“What we have here is a basic case of simple miscommunication - that can be easily corrected. While hopefully anyway. We clear up said misunderstanding concerning what you meant by ‘provisions’, Hera and then I make a point to eat with Ezra on an ongoing, regular basis for at least a couple of weeks …though yes we also make him dump out that stuff he’s inhaling by the cup full…he’s going to need to a find himself a new morning vice if he actually likes the taste…because he needs to get back in the habit of actually picking up the hunger signals from his body. Because ignoring that sort of condition signaling is dangerous, Hera…to Jedi using Force skills liberally especially. Which we’ll be covering as part of his on going training and meditation work once he gets back on ship and he regains enough strength for daily training.”

“And the fact that this happened at all Kanan? That doing this is his normal…or more precisely his tolerable, when I’m telling you right here and now that him pulling this kind of thing currently isn’t and won’t ever be even remotely acceptable behavior from you and I’s viewpoints?”

Kanan sighs and shrugs his shoulder, a little helplessly, “I’m still working on how to handle that precisely, Hera,” he admits, feeling suddenly weary. “But like I just said earlier - the one thing we can’t do is yell at him much or shame him for the decision’s he’s been making…because they’ve been wise and rational ones - for the most part anyway, considering the way that he’s had to live up until we found him. All this does is knock us off our high horse of blindly thinking we all have the same experiential perceptions of reality and thus prioritize various things in the exact same ways, when the truth of the matter is that we’ve always lived in our world, while he’s always lived in his.”

“Yeah well…he’s going to have to take a walk on the wild side and try and learn to see through our side of then lens Kanan…because this…none of this is even remotely healthy physically or otherwise.”

Kanan shrugs. “Quite frankly Hera. I at least intend to begin by apologizing.”

The Twi’lek looks up at him startled. “For what exactly Kanan?”

“For starters Hera? For never asking how he was doing on supplies even once after three months if he was supposedly supposed to be feeding himself with the creds he was given…when he asked several tie about when we’d next be hitting a market since you first initially gave him money for provisions. After which I intend to point out gently to Ezra that even if he had understood your initial instructions right that it would have been completely reasonable for him to point out to us how long it’d actually been since he’d been able to do any kind of resupply or food shopping. “

Hera nods, “Little God’s…looking back there were so many little hints…changes in his moods and his energy levels I assumed were just the normal affects of teenager hormone swings. Right now I just feel like a moron…and kind of like a monster if I’m honest. It wasn’t…it was just easier somehow. Less complex to deal with when we took on Zeb and Sabine.”

“For Zeb he’d had paid work aboard various ships for awhile…knew how to ask what his coming aboard would actually cover in terms of both pay and room and board…and Sabine had some savings when we found her - not much but a little…and Mandalorians as a rule tend to eat communally, So of course she’d just help herself to what was available in the larder and ask us how to note what she’d taken so we could deduct what she’d taken from her share from missions initially.”

“Whereas Ezra had no idea at all…until I gave him the cash I did. Which he then misinterpreted - like you said probably because even though I didn't realize it, he’s probably had much less experience in his life then the rest of us dealing in systems based not on theft or barter but on actual credits.”

Hera sighs as Kanan nods and then he reaches on his hands, “The good news is we can definitely keep this from ever happening again fairly easil,y I think, just by being explicit in what’s expected of him as crew….and what he’s always entitled to in return. Since I was clearly an idiot earlier when I first just assumed that he understood all the subtleties involved in my inviting him to be my student. The kid just essentially needs a copy of ‘Being Ghost Crew and a blind Jedi Master’s unlucky padawan for dummies at the moment.”

Hera laughs almost involuntarily, her lips quirking up at that comment. “Why do I think that document is going to eventually need several releases of new editions?”

“Because we’re both actually starting to get to know the kid by this point?” Kanan shoots back very dryly. “It’s not like we both didn’t know by the second time the kid hauled his ass back aboard that he was going to be high maintence. But then you’ve never liked boring.”

“No.” Hera acknowledge back, with a further widening smile…though yes, there is a clearly growing amount of deepening wryness in it… “I really haven’t. So two nights in hospital they said…how bad is that going to cut into the budget?”

“It’ll be a fair chunk.” Kanan acknowledges with a shrug… “But it’s still probably wise under the circumstances..the doctor’s right about IV meds working best, and if he has been eating lean for Force knows how long then its probably wise that the kid is trapped at the moment not only in a bed but also somewhere where they’ll be able to step his body up nutritionally in deliberate stages instead of us trying to just jump him straight back to feast from famine. I have a few things in storage that I can sell if there’s really need that I keep around for just this kind of medical emergency.”

Hera nods,her head a little in reply, “You're probably right, Love. Though now that we’ve confirmed he is basically chronically malnourished - and probably also badly underweight as a result of that - I guess that I really ought to talk to a couple people at the hospital before he's ultimately discharged, in order to explain the basics of how we first ‘acquired’ him as crew- and to find out how to best to address the subject of getting him fed back up to the proper levels a little more… aggressively."

The words make Kanan snort aloud in reaction…if only because their long years together have made him intimately, painfully familiar with that variant of Hera Syndulla’s current expression. 

Judging by the Twi'lek's determined look that poor stupid kid is probably about to land on an actual food plan.  
And though yes, Kanan acknowledges that course is needed and that the results are all but guaranteed, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t still empathetic to Ezra’s all but inevitable oncoming dietary suffering.

Because Hera on a health kick can make a seasoned drill sergeant look like an absolute wussy. And the teenager has no clue what is about to enthusiastically hit him.


End file.
